by John Hodge
He pours two glasses of vodka. They toast.
To creativity.
Stalin slams down his glass and spools out the sheet of paper. Adds it to a few pages of manuscript.
So here’s where I am. I’ve written another scene in the seminary. Young Joseph is the outsider – poor kid, wrong side of the tracks – who becomes the leader of the rebellion against the oppressive brutality of the priests.
Bulgakov So you want to prefigure the events of the revolution.
Stalin Exactly.
Bulgakov To illustrate your – young Joseph’s – precocity. His talent for organising.
Stalin And inspiring.
Bulgakov Of course. And inspiring.
Enter two Actors with a sack of props and costumes.
Stalin Those bastards! They educated me, but they couldn’t break me!
He hands the manuscript to Bulgakov.
Actor One You bastards! You can educate me but you can never break me!
Exit Bulgakov and Stalin.
Enter Vladimir and Stepan.
Vladimir pulls up a chair and watches the actors.
Stepan lurks behind him, impassive.
Actor Two You dog! How dare you speak to me like that! You think we’ll let you get away with free thought! We’ll beat it out of you, I swear to God we will!
Actor One Never!
Actor Two beats Actor One.
Actor Two There! Now spend some time in the punishment cell, you upstart proletarian! Son of cobbler!
Actor One stands and pulls on a cassock.
Actor One This young Dzughashvili – he’s a tough one.
Actor Two Too tough. He combines righteous fury with piercing intellect.
Actor One I’ve never met anything like him.
Actor Two He’s been reading Marx and converting his fellow students.
Actor One We’ll give him one more chance. If he won’t give in . . .
Actor Two I understand.
Actor One takes off the cassock.
All right, Joseph, this is your last chance. Renounce Marx, conform to our rules and pledge loyalty to the Tsar.
Actor One Never. I cannot ignore the needs of the people. My path has been chosen. It is not an easy one but it is the right one.
Actor Two Get out of here! You are expelled!
Enter Bulgakov. He watches.
Actor One Don’t worry. I’m leaving. And I promise – I’ll never look back.
Exit Actors One and Two.
Vladimir Bulgakov! Did you catch it?
Bulgakov Just the end.
Vladimir It’s fantastic, Mikhail.
Bulgakov You don’t think it’s a little too obviously . . .
Vladimir What?
Bulgakov Uncritical. I wouldn’t want to overdo it.
Vladimir You nailed the guy, Mikhail, you captured him. Every inflection feels so authentic. It’s a work of art.
Bulgakov I must admit, I do feel I’ve made contact with the character.
Vladimir So what was it? I’m curious. What unlocked it for you?
Bulgakov It just started to fall into place, really.
Vladimir Our little chat in the cellars, perhaps?
Bulgakov Perhaps.
Vladimir I wouldn’t like to think it was just that. I mean, I want you and I to have a rich and fruitful creative relationship and I appreciate that in my role as producer/director, I may have overstepped the mark in threatening to shoot your wife.
Bulgakov Don’t worry.
Vladimir I feel bad about it.
Bulgakov It’s your working method.
Vladimir Exactly. That’s all. And for the record, in truth, I would never have shot Yelena.
Bulgakov You wouldn’t?
Vladimir No. A mock execution, perhaps.
Bulgakov Yes.
Vladimir A whole series of bewildering, traumatic mock executions designed to leave her emotionally fractured and psychologically disabled. But never the live round.
Bulgakov That’s all the difference.
Vladimir Isn’t it just!
Bulgakov You’re going soft.
Vladimir I wouldn’t jeopardise the project.
A beat.
Bulgakov hands over the latest pages.
Now come on – I’ll buy you breakfast.
Exit Vladimir with Bulgakov.
Stepan stands for a beat.
Then he follows as Praskovya enters.
She sits at the table.
Enter Vasilly in a bathrobe. Hair still wet. Full of joy.
Vasilly Look at this! Look at me! Fresh from a bath! Hot running water! Gallons of the stuff!
Praskovya It won’t last.
Vasilly I left the tap running just to check – if anything it was getting hotter. Practically a jet of steam –
Praskovya Must be a mistake.
Vasilly Providence, Praskovya! Justice!
He slides open the cupboard door and bellows in to a sleeping Sergei.
Long live the Revolution!
Sergei wakes. Tumbles out and to his feet.
Sergei Is it time for work?
Vasilly It is time for a bath, you unwashed proletarian!
He spins round.
And is it my imagination or is that . . .
Praskovya It’s coffee.
Vasilly Yes!
Enter Bulgakov, carrying a large bunch of roses.
Enter Yelena from the other direction.
Yelena Misha!
Bulgakov My darling. For you.
She takes them.
Yelena But where from?
Bulgakov There was a woman selling them – just around the corner.
Yelena But no one sells roses in Moscow in December!
Bulgakov Smell them and tell me if they’re not real.
They cross towards the bed.
Vasilly Sergei! To the bath, Comrade!
He exits, pulling Sergei with him.
Praskovya I’ll get the soap.
She exits.
Yelena You shouldn’t.
Bulgakov I should.
She kisses him.
Yelena You look better, Misha.
Bulgakov I feel no worse.
Yelena Perhaps it’s not . . .
Bulgakov I’m not thinking about it. Let’s not talk about it. Remember, I’m alive, you’re alive, and so on.
He holds her hand.
They dance a few steps, making the music of their favourite tune.
They kiss.
They sit, then recline, on the bed.
The lights fade to moonlight.
Bulgakov sits up.
He stands and pulls on his coat.
He goes to the front stage.
Exit Yelena.
Bulgakov crosses to the desk.
No sign of Stalin.
Suddenly the cupboard door slides opens and closes very quickly.
Stalin steps forward.
He is clutching a thick pile of files and notes – administrative paperwork.
Stalin I’m late – I know.
Bulgakov It’s all right.
Stalin I have other things to do, you know.
Bulgakov Of course. I didn’t say anything.
Stalin A country to run.
Bulgakov Yes, I know. I’m sorry.
Stalin dumps the paperwork on the desk and sits down at the typewriter.
Stalin Never stops, you know. Always something.
Bulgakov It’s a big responsibility.
Stalin Does anyone think so?
Bulgakov The people are grateful.
Stalin Are they? I’ll take your word on that. Now where was I?
He settles himself in at the desk.
Bulgakov The seminary. You were expelled.
Stalin Yes! Now – here’s what I was thinking. We jump forward one year. The oil town of Batumi. I am now a fully active, full-time Bolshevik revolutionary. Fast becoming the Lenin of south-west Georgia! – Strike the ‘south-west’!
Bulgakov It’s g
ood. You’re keeping it moving.
Stalin Exactly! That’s what I thought. There’s a dynamism in my life –
Bulgakov Reflected in the text.
Stalin You and me, Mikhail – two minds with as but one thought.
Bulgakov So what happens in Batumi?
Stalin I’ve infiltrated the Rothschild oil refinery, spreading the credo of armed insurrection among the workers. On a personal level, I’m living in an apartment. There’s a girl there.
Bulgakov Good.
Stalin And guess what?
Bulgakov She’s in love with you.
Stalin It’s true. And believe me, she wasn’t the only one.
Bulgakov Romance. Always popular.
Stalin OK. Here goes.
He feeds in the paper.
One moment – if I’m doing your job, why don’t you do mine?
Bulgakov Do yours?
Stalin Yeah. See those papers – that’s a summary of the steel output for the entire USSR, broken down into individual republics, regions, provinces, mills, foundries, shifts. What you have to do –
Bulgakov Me!
Stalin – is make a note beside each one, more or less. ‘Increased output required!’ ‘Must work harder!’ ‘More steel needed – increase by 59 per cent in six months!’ Stuff like that.
Bulgakov I can’t do that.
Stalin Of course you can. Go on, Mikhail. Make a note.
He thrusts one of the sheets towards Bulgakov.
Go on. Just try it. Just once . . .
Bulgakov picks up a pen. Hesitates. Then writes in the margin.
Stalin reads over his shoulder.
Stalin ‘More steel or else!’ Oh boy! When you get angry, you really get angry! ‘. . . or else!’ – might use that one myself someday. OK. Now sign. J.S.
Bulgakov J.S.?
Stalin That’s me.
Bulgakov Yes – I know, but . . .
Stalin What’s the problem?
Bulgakov I can’t sign your initials. That’s illegal!
Stalin You’ve done the hard bit, the creative work, but unless you sign it, it isn’t going to work. J . . . S . . . J.S., J for Joseph –
Bulgakov I can’t!
Stalin Go on, Mikhail. Sign it. It’s our little secret. No one will ever know.
Bulgakov No one?
Stalin No one.
Suddenly, with a flourish, Bulgakov signs the order and throws down the pen.
They begin giggling.
Stalin punches Bulgakov affectionately on the shoulder.
Bulgakov punches him back, even harder.
They both giggle even more at Bulgakov’s audacity.
Enter the two Actors, followed by Vladimir and Stepan.
Bulgakov and Stalin exit, giggling like naughty boys.
Actor Two pulls on a dress.
Actor One Good news, Kato, I have secured employment at the Rothschild oil refinery. From within, I can convert workers to Marxism and recruit them to the cause. It’s only a matter of time before we bring the whole edifice of capitalist imperialism crashing to its knees!
Actor Two Oh Joseph, it’s incredible. Only you could have achieved so much so soon.
Actor One It’s nothing.
Actor Two You must be busy.
Actor One Of course.
Actor Two And is there time for anything else in your life?
Actor One My spare time is devoted to my passion.
Actor Two Your passion?
Actor One Reading. Marx mainly. And Lenin, of course.
Actor Two Is that all?
Actor One Oh no. I also write propaganda.
Actor Two OK. Right. And anything else?
Actor One Fund-raising.
Actor Two No! I mean anything else that doesn’t relate to fomenting the overthrow of the Romanov dynasty?
Actor One Sorry?
Actor Two takes the hand of Actor One.
Actor Two Love, Joseph. Is there time in your life for love?
Actor One It will lead only to heartbreak, my dear. For mine is a restless soul. It cannot be tamed, nor held. I am here today and gone tomorrow.
Actor Two Oh, Joseph, I don’t care – then I shall love you today and damn tomorrow!
They kiss.
Enter Grigory carrying a cup.
Vladimir Good kissing. Break for lunch, back in one hour.
Exit Vladimir, Stepan, the two Actors.
Grigory sits at the table and waits.
Enter Bulgakov.
Bulgakov Grigory!
Grigory Hello, Mikhail. Vasilly let me in.
Bulgakov That’s fine. Always good to see you.
Grigory He said I should help myself to some coffee too. It’s very good.
Bulgakov You’re welcome. Surprised he didn’t tell you to have a bath.
Grigory He did. And the heating too . . .
Bulgakov Yes. It’s an improvement.
Grigory So how’s it going?
Bulgakov It’s a hack job. Mindless. But I’m getting through it.
Grigory Is that all?
Bulgakov How else could it be?
Grigory I hear it’s going well. Yelena told Anna. Anna told me. That you’re making progress. And that you’re thriving. Rejuvenated, they said. Mentally and physically.
Bulgakov That’s perhaps going a little too far.
Grigory You certainly look better. Never liked to say before, but there was a tinge – in your skin –
Bulgakov It’s the nephrosclerosis – the pigmentation –
Grigory Really? Because in this light, I can . . . I can hardly see it at all, really.
Bulgakov You must tell me: your work, your situation – how’s it going?
Grigory I’d like to, if you don’t mind – I mean that’s partly why I’m here. My situation.
A knock at the door.
Bulgakov One moment.
Enter the Driver.
Driver Mr Bulgakov?
Bulgakov Yes?
Driver Your car is ready.
Bulgakov My car?
Grigory Your car?
Driver Yes, sir. Your car is ready.
Bulgakov My car? Who arranged that?
Driver I just take orders, sir.
Bulgakov Am I being arrested?
Driver I’m not a policeman, sir. I’m just a driver.
Bulgakov Then where are you taking me?
Driver To work. And then home again. And anywhere else you want to go.
Bulgakov Anywhere else I want to go?
Grigory Tell him you want to go to Paris.
Driver I’ll wait outside, sir.
The Driver exits.
Bulgakov Grigory – please understand – this is something of a surprise to me –
Grigory Nice surprise. Coffee, heating, car – where’s it going to end?
Bulgakov Anyway, tell me: what’s happening?
Grigory You have to go, Mikhail – your car is waiting.
Bulgakov No, forget that – I want to know. Your situation – what’s happened.
Grigory It’s all right. Some other time. Honestly.
Bulgakov You’re sure?
Grigory Yes.
Bulgakov It’s just . . .
Grigory I know. Don’t worry about it. You’re busy. It’s good.
Bulgakov Call round again. Promise?
Grigory Yes!
Bulgakov Let’s meet. Coffee. Dinner. You can tell me all. I’ll look forward to it.
Grigory You’d better go.
A shake of the hands.
Bulgakov exits.
Grigory is left alone.
He sips his coffee.
A beat.
He tips the rest away.
Exit Grigory as the two Actors enter.
They are mock-fighting, One in greatcoat and Stalin moustache, Two in a cossack’s hat with sword and hobby horse.
Vladimir follows closely, directing.
Stepan enters and watches.
Bulgakov ente
rs and sits down.
Vladimir You cut them down with your swords! You pitiless Cossack bastards! Young Joseph – you stand your ground – yield to no man – you witness the senseless slaughter of your comrades but ‘with no thought of self-preservation, he throws himself forward to tend the wounded’. OK, when you’re ready.
He walks back and sits near Bulgakov.
They watch the Actors finding their way through the scene.
Nice suit.
Bulgakov Thanks.
A beat.
Someone arranged a car for me.
Eventually Vladimir responds.
Vladimir A car?
Bulgakov With a driver.
Vladimir Lucky you.
Bulgakov What’s wrong?
Vladimir Nothing.
Bulgakov Then why ‘lucky you’?
Vladimir I just mean you’re lucky, that’s all! Why does everything have to mean something? You’ve got a car. End of story.
Bulgakov And a driver.
Vladimir And a driver. Big fucking deal.
A pause.
Bulgakov Do you like the scene? Are you happy with how it’s going? I mean, I must admit, I was sceptical. You know I was, about the whole project. I couldn’t see it. But now – I think it’s starting to take shape. I actually think it could even be quite . . . you know . . .
Vladimir I used to have one.
Bulgakov What?
Vladimir A car. And a driver. But they took it away. Just a couple of days ago, as it happens. ‘Reallocation of resources’.
Bulgakov Oh. Vladimir – I’m sorry.
Vladimir Not your fault.
Bulgakov No.
Vladimir I didn’t say it was your fault. In fact I’m sure it’s a coincidence. I’m sure the two events of your being given a car and mine being taken away – at exactly the same time – are not in any way whatsoever connected.
A beat.
Unless you want to tell me otherwise?
On the platform. Actor Two rehearses his sabre-swooshing charge.
Actor One Oh God, I’ve been cut! Help! Help!
He is bleeding. He bursts into tears.
Vladimir jumps out of his seat.
Vladimir All right! Stop there! Someone get a bandage – young Joseph’s been wounded!
Exit Vladimir and Stepan and two Actors.
Enter Stalin with a bundle of paperwork.
He sits at the desk. Begins typing. Lost in his own thoughts and story.
Bulgakov also sits. He works his way through the paperwork.
Bulgakov pauses.
Bulgakov Thank you.
Stalin doesn’t stop.
Stalin For what?
Bulgakov The car.
Stalin Nothing to do with me.
He continues to type.
Bulgakov And the hot water.
Stalin I’ll be honest with you, Mikhail – I don’t personally heat the water of every citizen in the Union. I don’t slope off from the Central Committee of an evening to stack your boiler with coal. But if you do have hot water, I might come round for a bath. The plumbing in the Kremlin is not for the faint-hearted.