A Life Less Broken

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “Yeah,” I whisper.

  “I can’t do this,” he says as he lets go of me and steps away.

  “I’m so sorry,” I mumble and turn away to hide my shame.

  I run into the downstairs bathroom and close the door before he can stop me.

  “Allyn, let me in. We need to talk about this.”

  “No we don’t. Just pretend nothing happened.”

  Why would he ever even look at me? My ear’s bitten off; I’m covered in scars; my left eye doesn’t work properly. I’m stupid to think that a man like Dominic would ever regard me as anything more than just his patient. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed.

  How dumb can I be?

  What an idiot. He’s a very good-looking man, and at least fifteen years older than me. I can’t offer him anything more than a broken body and a broken mind.

  “Allyn, please open the door. I’m not leaving until you open the door.”

  “It was stupid, Dominic. Nothing happened, nothing can ever happen, please…” Please what? Please go away, or please stay with me? “Please, just don’t shame me any more than I already am,” I say through the closed, locked door.

  “There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I wanted it too. But I can’t; I’m your doctor.”

  And you’re hideous.

  “I know. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have hugged you,” I say in a small voice.

  “Please open the door.” His voice is so low and serene that it’s difficult not to be coerced by it.

  I’m so broken. I can never have a relationship with a man. Especially not Dominic.

  I take a deep breath and slowly unlock and open the door. He’s leaning up against the wall opposite the bathroom.

  He takes a step toward me but I shake my head and hold up my arm, palm out.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t break that off, Allyn. I’m the one to blame,” he says as he shoves his hands into his jean pockets.

  “Let’s just go have breakfast and forget all about it.”

  “You still have to take your antibiotics to make sure your fever doesn’t come back.”

  “Sure,” I say quietly as I go and sit at the kitchen table.

  Dominic and I eat in silence and I don’t look at him once.

  I’m so scared of what I’ll see in his eyes if I allow myself a glance at him.

  He’s most likely humiliated at having such a disgusting, broken person as me foist myself on him. I probably repulsed him.

  Why would he want me? Why would anyone ever want me?

  I’m beyond repair.

  If I can’t stand looking at myself, how could he possibly tolerate my ugliness?

  Chapter 14

  Dominic

  Fuck.

  I sit in my office and stare at the blank laptop screen blinking back at me.

  How could I be so fucking stupid?

  She hugged me, and from the moment I took her warm body in my arms, I never wanted to let her go.

  Fuck.

  I’m such an idiot. I’ve never been involved with a patient before. What makes Allyn so different?

  I pick the pen up and twirl it around between my fingers, thinking about that damn hug. Her soft, small body pressed against mine, the way her breasts brushed my chest, and those small sexy moans that hummed through her as her hands trailed along my back.

  I close my eyes and relive those precious few moments of us standing together with no roles, no judgment, and no doctor-patient bullshit.

  Her soft, feminine curves, the citrus smell of her shampoo wafting from her hair, and the smooth skin at the nape of her neck.

  My heart accelerates at the memory of how it felt to tangle my hands in her silky strands and how she responded by inching closer to me.

  I feel my cock getting hard, remembering the inviting little noises she made, and the desire I felt to kiss her full, supple lips. Not aggressively, but delicately, tenderly. I wish I’d leaned down and hovered over her lips, waiting for her to signal permission to mark her as mine. I think about brushing my tongue across her beautiful mouth with a feather-light touch, telling her with my kiss that I’d give her anything she wants.

  Knock, knock.

  Fuck.

  I snap my eyes open and notice I’ve been rubbing my cock through my jeans. Now I’m sporting a huge damn hard-on. Fuck.

  “Yeah,” I say as I slide my chair further under the desk so Lauren can’t see the bulge in my pants.

  She opens the door, strolls in, and sits in one of the chairs opposite me.

  “Yes, Lauren, what can I do for you?” I lean my elbows on the desk, concealing my erection even further.

  “I want to talk to you about Allyn,” she starts.

  “There’s nothing really to talk about.”

  “You’ve been dedicating a lot of time to her, which I’m sure is great, because she must be making progress. But it seems as if there’s something more happening between you two.”

  “It’s not…” I start, but she holds her hand up to stop me from saying anything further.

  “Now listen, I’ve been working for you for a while now and not once have you ever looked at a patient that way. But this one, I know there’s something different about her. You beam when you come back from seeing her. You’ve even spent the night at her house. Yes, I know she was sick and you stayed to look after her, but there’s something more to this. I know there is.”

  “Lauren, it’s really…”

  “Oh, no you don’t, Dom. Don’t you try to pull the wool over my eyes,” she says as she points a skinny finger at me. “I’m not an idiot. I can see that you’ve changed. You’re not as stressed out any more, especially after you come back from seeing her.” Lauren stops talking and sits back in the chair, crossing her legs and looking at me, clearly expecting an answer.

  What can I say?

  I don’t even know what’s happening. How am I supposed to explain it to Lauren?

  “After Chelsea and what she did to me,” I begin, but look away from Lauren. I don’t want to see her eyes because I don’t want to see judgment coming from her. She’s never been critical of me before, so it would destroy me if she thinks less of me now. “Chelsea’s betrayal shattered me, Lauren. Pretending she was pregnant, going to extreme measures to fake a belly, not allowing me to touch her or be there at the ultrasound…” I trail off, just trying to gain some composure. “How much of a fucking idiot was I to believe that my wife was three months pregnant, and didn’t want me to go to the ultrasound because she didn’t want me in the room while they did an internal? I’m her husband and a fucking doctor – a psychiatrist, for fuck’s sake – and I didn’t, for one minute, think she was screwing with me.”

  “Because you loved her,” Lauren quietly says.

  “How could I be so stupid? Do you know Allyn asked me if I wanted children, and I fucking lied to her and told her that I never seriously considered having them? How do I tell her that the doctor she’s trusted to help her overcome all her fears is a fucking idiot? How do I tell her that all I want is a child? How do I tell her that my wife fooled me into thinking she was pregnant just so she could continue to live off my money?”

  “You didn’t know what Chelsea was doing. She never gave you a good reason to doubt her before. Love puts blinders on all of us, Dom.”

  I feel so ashamed of myself. Lauren’s sweet, motherly smile says that she doesn’t think I’m a fool, just a man who was in love with his wife.

  “Allyn is so pure, so beautiful and trusting, and pretty much perfect for me.”

  “There’s also a large age gap between the two of you. That by itself is going to have repercussions if you two choose to pursue a relationship.” Lauren points out one of society’s obvious taboos. “Not to mention you’re her doctor and she’s your patient.” And there’s the second taboo topic.

  “I know, and truthfully, I don’t know if Allyn will ever be able to have a normal relationship.”

  “Well, that’s not really your decision to ma
ke for her. You can’t decide for her or tell her what you think she needs.”

  “No I can’t, but she’s not ready to face how I feel about her.”

  “And what do you feel for her?” Lauren asks innocently, but I know what she’s doing. She’s forcing me to face and admit my feelings for Allyn. I’m totally aware of her manipulation, because I do the same thing.

  “It’s too early to say.”

  “Really?” she asks in feigned surprise, almost mocking me. “Because I think you know exactly what you want, Dom.”

  “She’s still got a long way to go.” I shake my head and run my hands through my hair.

  “You both may have a long way to go, but don’t you owe it to yourself and to her to own whatever feelings you do have?”

  “Hmmm,” is all I can say and nod my head in agreement.

  She rises from the chair. “I’m going home early today; Charlie is taking me out on a date. What are your plans for tonight, seeing as it’s Friday?”

  “Oscar and I are going out for dinner and a few drinks. Nothing too interesting,” I tell her.

  “Damn, that brother of yours, ummm-hmmm. If only I was twenty-five years younger. How is he?”

  “He’s great. He’s working on some high-profile case that’s got him all stressed out, which is why we’re going out to dinner tonight.”

  “Just remember, I’m leaving in about two hours to go home and get ready for my date with Charlie.” Lauren walks toward the door. Before she reaches it, she turns around and looks at me, “It’ll all work out. These things have a way of finding their balance,” she says, leaving me with her wise words.

  I rub my hand over my face, then comb my fingers through my hair and go back to looking at my blank computer screen.

  My cock has gone down, but after talking with Lauren, I’m more fucking confused then I was before.

  I won’t have much of a life if I have to keep lying to myself.

  But…

  I know that I want to hold on to whatever Allyn and I have, however delicate it is.

  For now, I’ll keep my feelings to myself.

  Chapter 15

  “Shut that cunt up, will ya, Mick.”

  It hurts. Stop. It hurts. No more. Stop. You’re hurting me.

  Help!

  My head’s under water and I’m being pulled further and further into the black, dark void. Sinking and falling, suffocating as I try and claw my way out of a sinister, demon-filled tunnel.

  My eyes fly open and I take in a huge gulp of air.

  My heart’s beating at a dangerously rapid rate.

  My eyes are blurry from the tears caused by this petrifying nightmare.

  Those gruesome moments replay vividly in my mind, like I’ve only just survived them. The torment continues for hours, days, years.

  Sitting up in bed, I stare at the barren shadows dancing all around me.

  I draw my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. Biting down on the flesh of my knee, I try and hold on to whatever part of me is still alive.

  But I can’t fight the fear.

  Those evil monsters under my bed will always be there.

  Their bloodcurdling voices inside my head scream that I can’t escape; I can’t be saved.

  Why do I try to fight them?

  The phone beside my bed taunts me, encouraging me to call Dominic and talk to him. To let him know that right now, I’m not in a good place.

  I know I’m not okay.

  But what if I could escape, get away from the monsters and their nightmares?

  I wonder if I can fly, like the blue jay.

  If I stretch my arms like the blue jay stretches its wings, and leap from my window, will my arms save me and let me fly away?

  Will the blue jay soar beside me and guide me to another universe?

  Would flying end my sorrow and finally allow me happiness?

  If that were true, even for a moment, I’m willing to take the risk and let my body release its suffering.

  I allow my mind a vision of freedom. Maybe I’ll be fortunate enough to finally get relief from all the misery haunting me.

  Finally, after three hard years, I’m making the decision to free myself from the horror of my past.

  I pick up my phone, resolved to say goodbye to those who matter. To tell them that I’ve found my independence and I’m going somewhere I’ll no longer hurt.

  I dial Dominic first.

  “Allyn,” he answers on the fifth ring. His voice is scratchy, thick with the sleep from which I’ve woken him. “Are you alright?”

  “I’m better than alright, Dominic. I know what I need to do to overcome them and what they did to me. And I just want you to know that I’m fine now. You won’t need to come here again.”

  “What have you done?” His tone lowers and becomes more intense, with no trace of sleep.

  “I haven’t done anything,” I say in a happy tone. “I’m going to fly away tonight. The blue jay will show me the way.”

  “Allyn, I’d really like to say a proper goodbye to you. I’m getting into my car to come to your house. Can you make me a coffee, please? I really would love to have one last latte made by the best barista I know.”

  I hear the beep of his key fob, and then his car starts.

  “I can do that for you, but I’m really anxious to see what my next home looks like. So can you hurry up please? You know I’ll really miss you, Dominic. But I’m sure my new home will be perfect for me.”

  “Aren’t you seeing Faith in a few hours? You don’t want to miss out on that, do you?”

  I get out of bed and turn on the light, finding my jeans and a sweater to wear.

  “I’d love to see Faith, but I think she’ll be happy that I’m happy. She’ll understand.”

  “And your parents, have you called them yet?”

  “No, not yet. I was going to call Mom and Dad after I talked to you.”

  Finally, after almost three years, I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from off my chest. I’m able to breathe more easily now, knowing the blue jay will lead me.

  “What did you have for dinner tonight?”

  Dinner? He’s asking about food? How peculiar, but then, he’s a little strange on his best days.

  “I had grilled cheese tonight, nothing too fancy. What did you have?” I ask as I go downstairs and start the coffee machine.

  “I went out to dinner with my brother, Oscar. We went to this small Italian place in town. It’s run by a Nonna who makes the most delicious lasagna I’ve ever eaten. Her garlic bread is really good, too. I was thinking I could take you there one night. It’s very small and quaint and I think you’d like it.”

  The thought of leaving this house is no longer an issue for me. How can it be? Once Dominic and I have our coffee and I call my parents, I’m going to leave with the blue jay guiding me.

  “Maybe, if I ever come back from Utopia.”

  “When do you think you’ll come back, Allyn?”

  “If Utopia is as blissful as it promises to be, maybe I’ll stay there forever.”

  “Can you open the door for me?”

  There’s a knock at my door and I know that it’s Dominic. I joyfully skip to the entrance and switch the porch light on. Looking through the peep hole I see Dominic standing on the other side of the screen door. I hang up from him and lay the phone on hallway table.

  I turn off the alarm and open the heavy wooden door. Dominic looks simply magnificent in his black jeans and tight, deep gray t-shirt. I unlock the screen door and step aside, waiting for him to come in.

  “I’ve just fired up the coffee machine, I’ll go make us a coffee,” I say as he steps through. I lock the doors and turn the alarm back on.

  “Oh there’s no rush. Just make me the best cup of coffee you can, seeing as I’ll have to wait to get another one from you for who knows how long.” Dominic goes to the kitchen and sits in his chair.

  I go to the coffee machine and start making our drinks.<
br />
  “I think this will do me a world of good, Dominic,” I say brightly, smiling over at him.

  “I can see how carefree you are right now with just the anticipation of leaving, so maybe it’s something you need to do.”

  “Really?” I ask as I turn around and look at him. “You really think it’ll be good for me?”

  “Sure, but first I’d just like to talk a little about why you’re so keen to leave.”

  I bring his latte over to him and turn back to make one for me too.

  “Mmm, this is a damn good coffee, Allyn. You’ve outdone yourself with this one.”

  I feel a sense of pride that I’ve made Dominic happy.

  I’ll never be able to make him happy in any other way.

  I take my latte over and sit in the beige seat I always sit in and take a sip of my coffee.

  He’s right; it’s the best I’ve made.

  “What made you decide to find Utopia?” he asks as he picks his coffee up and takes another sip.

  “I had another nightmare, and when I woke up I finally realized that this is not the life I’m supposed to be living. So much of me died that day, that now there’s nothing but ugliness left behind,” I say matter-of-factly. “I was supposed to move on to the next life, but I didn’t.”

  “What was the dream about?”

  “Oh, the same one I always have. He tells Mick to ‘shut that cunt up’ and keeps brutalizing me as though I’m nothing, not a person, not human at all, like I don’t have a heart or blood that pumps through my veins.” I pick a spot on the table and just focus on it. I really don’t want to relive the nightmare any more.

  “And when you woke up what happened?”

  “I decided that I’m going to fly away. My friend the blue jay will show me how. I have his feather here, look.” I reach into my pocket but the feather’s not there. Shit, I must have forgotten it next to my bed. “Hang on, it’s upstairs.” I jump up and run to get my feather.

  A wave of sorrow hits me as my fingers touch the near-weightless feather that sits on the bedside table.

  I’m not sure how long I stand holding the indigo quill, fascinated by it.