It must be a while, because Dominic comes into my room.
I don’t see him. I feel him.
The warmth of his body beckons to me.
Without saying a word, he steps behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder.
Tears streak my face and my breathing becomes shallower with each breath I take.
“Allyn,” his deep baritone tone pleads with me, but I shake my head. I’m not ready to turn around and face him.
“I’m right here. I won’t leave you,” he says in a low, confident voice.
“I just want it to end,” I whisper through tears, my voice warbling.
“It’s not going to end. We just have to find a way for you to manage it. To dream beautiful dreams and have sun-filled days, not to let bleak twilight nightmares torment you.”
Letting the feather float to the floor, I bring both hands up to cover my face in frustration and embarrassment.
“What can I do?” I ask Dominic as I turn around and finally look at him.
“For now, you’ll go back to bed, and I’m going to sleep on that chair over there.” He points to the same chair he slept in when I was sick. “When you wake up, you’ll introduce me to your best friend, Faith.” He moves toward my bed and straightens the covers. “And Monday, you and I together will go back to where you were found.”
A chill runs the length of my body. My shoulders stiffen and my stomach contracts at just the thought that I’ll be stepping outside. I can’t even acknowledge that he wants to take me to where that couple found me, where I should have died, but lived.
I continuously shake my head without saying a word.
“This is the step you need to take to give you the ability to escape, Allyn.”
Dominic stands tall before me, his intense eyes breaking through the barriers that I’ve erected around me. His solemn look is not demeaning or pitying, but one of concern, nurturing. He wants to help me, wants me to trust him, and I do.
Unconditionally.
But going back to the place where I was dumped and left to die will surely push me over the edge. Can’t he see that?
Maybe that’s exactly what I need.
To face the past so I can overcome my brokenness.
But…
Can I?
Chapter 16
Opening my eyes, the first thing I see is the chair that Dominic slept in.
But he’s not there.
A folded blanket and a pillow have replaced the man that should be there.
I snuggle further into my blankets, knowing that he’s around here somewhere. He won’t be far away; he never is.
“Are you still sleeping or are you pretending to be? Either is fine with me, ‘cause if you’re sleeping I get to eat your breakfast,” Dominic says as he comes through the door.
I turn my head to see he’s carrying my grandmother’s silver tray with a plate and a cup on it.
“What’s this?” I ask as I sit up in bed and lean against the headboard.
“Don’t get overly excited, it’s just toast with honey and a cup of tea. I couldn’t figure out how to use that machine of yours so I found tea bags instead.” He takes the few steps and places the tray on my lap.
“Thank you so much. I’ve never had anyone make me breakfast and bring it to me in bed.” I lift the teacup and take a sip.
Weak, too weak. But I don’t want to hurt his feelings either, so I drink it.
“Faith is due here in two hours. I’d like to duck home to get a shower and change, then come back. Is that alright with you?”
“Yeah sure,” I say between bites of my toast.
“Would you like to come home with me?”
I stop chewing and look at Dominic who’s now sitting in his chair. A little wave of fear flares up.
“No, I don’t think I can.”
“Tomorrow, we go to the pond where you were found, though, remember? That’s important.”
“I know.” I don’t want to go, but I know I need to see for myself that the place where I was found isn’t evil. It won’t hurt me; it was simply the place I was dumped. I can’t blame the geography for the circumstances. It’s as silly as me hating my favorite author because they killed a main character in their latest book.
It’s just the way it is.
“I know,” I confirm again. “I know,” I say one last time but more for my own benefit than Dominic’s.
“When you finish breakfast, do you want to come downstairs and lock the door behind me?”
I place the tray on my bedside table and get up out of bed. “I’ll do it now, it’ll give you more time and you won’t need to rush.”
Dominic follows behind me down the stairs, and I open the door to let him out.
“I’ll be back before Faith arrives,” he says as he steps out on to the porch.
“Dominic, thank you.”
“You don’t need to thank me; it really is my pleasure.” He takes a step closer to me but stops himself from closing the distance between us. He shakes his head and runs his hand through his hair before silently turning and leaving.
I close and lock the screen door before he reaches his car. Dominic hesitates and looks back toward my home before pulling out onto the street, and I can’t turn from watching him drive away until he’s out of sight.
The doorbell rings and I fly down stairs knowing it’s either Dominic or Faith.
Dominic’s not back yet, but that’s okay because the last two hours I’ve spent tidying up and getting myself ready to see Faith.
The first time she saw me after the attack, she cried. She cried for me, for what I lost, and for what I endured when those beasts brutalized me.
I don’t want her to cry like that for me again, because I don’t want to remember any more than I already do.
No, today is a happy day, a day where the angry, dark clouds are not allowed to show themselves.
I want just the soft, fluffy white pillows and wonderful, cobalt blue jays today.
Looking through the peep-hole, I see Dominic’s standing there holding a bunch of bright, colorful flowers. I turn the alarm off and open the door and can’t help breaking out in a broad smile.
I unlock the mesh door, pushing it open for Dominic to come inside.
“For you,” he says as he hands me the bouquet. I bring them up to my nose and the gentle aroma drifts up before I even get to smell them.
“Thank you so much,” I say as I close the door behind him and lock the screen and wood doors and reset the alarm. “They’re just perfect.”
“I didn’t know your favorite flower, so I got what I thought you’d like.”
We walk into the kitchen and I get out a crystal vase and fill it halfway with water and begin to arrange the flowers in it.
“They really are beautiful, Dominic.”
“Allyn, what do you want to get from today?” Dominic asks.
“I just want to see Faith and see how she’s doing,” I answer as I’m arranging the subtly scented flowers.
“Is that all?”
“I know that it’s time for me to start healing. I’m not sure I’ll ever be like I was before, but I need to stop feeling so dead inside. I need to feel, and I can’t do that if I lock myself away from the world. I’m lonely, and I miss Faith. I’m tired of feeling so ashamed and afraid. I’m tired of hating myself.” I walk over to where Dominic is and place the vase in the center of the table. Sitting down opposite him, I look at him and try to imagine a world where I’m not restricted to my hidey-hole.
“To start, I need to learn to live without fear and shame.” I rest my elbows on the table, close my eyes, and lean my head on my arms.
“Together, we can mend your broken life so you can breathe again.” He squats down beside me and gently puts his hand on my back.
I turn my head and open my eyes to see Dominic looking at me with a smile. “I mean it, Allyn. Soon you’ll be able to breathe freely.” He moves the back of his hand to stroke my cheek, and in anticipation,
I lean into his touch as his warm hand makes contact.
Dominic pulls away and averts his gaze as he stands and clears his throat. I’ve done it again.
“I know,” I say trying to minimize the embarrassment of stupidly misinterpreting the signs of affection I think I see. He doesn’t want me. I’m not ready to fully face that. I may never be. I manufactured that fantasy to bolster my hope. I’m fooling myself.
The doorbell rings and I leap up to answer it. I have to set all the bullshit aside until later. For now, it’s about rebuilding my relationship with Faith, not whatever is happening between Dominic and me.
I walk to the door and take another deep, cleansing breath. Dominic stands beside me and gives me an encouraging smile. “You can do this, and I’ll be right here.”
I turn the alarm off and open the first door. I’m struck by Faith’s beauty. Her long, dark hair is loose, longer than I remember, and her big, brown eyes are smiling at me with so much love. I can’t get the damn screen door open fast enough, I’m so eager to get her inside and just hug her.
She’s excitedly bouncing on the porch. My hands fumble with the lock and I can’t seem to make them work.
“Let me,” Dominic says as he moves my hands away, reassuring me with his calm demeanor and sweet smile.
I step back, and Dominic easily opens the door. Faith doesn’t wait for it to open all the way before she flings it open and runs in, grabs me in a tight hug, and doesn’t let me go.
My happiness is overwhelming. Tears freely fall and I hold on to Faith as if she’s going to disappear the moment I let her go.
“I missed you so much, Ally,” Faith says. She always called me Ally; that was her nickname for me.
“I missed you too.”
We stand in the doorway, holding onto each other for an indeterminate amount of time. It’s Dominic’s deep voice that brings us back to reality. “I’m making fake coffee, ladies. Would you like one?”
I look over at him and roll my eyes.
“Are you Ally’s new doctor?” Faith asks as she hooks her arm around my waist and we walk toward the kitchen.
“I certainly am. Dominic Shriver, pleased to meet you.” He holds his hand out to Faith but she lets go of me and gives him a hug.
“You got her to call me, and for that, I owe you more than a handshake.”
“She did it all herself,” he says as he awkwardly pats her back and pulls away.
“I’ll make us a real coffee.” I walk over to my coffee machine and switch it on. “What have you been doing, Faith?”
“Oh, where to start? First, I’m working for a lawyer’s office downtown as their receptionist. I started dating a really nice guy, Michael Greene. We’ve been together for eighteen months now. He’s a cop and he’s always at work. He asked me to move in last week, but I’m not too sure about that yet. I mean I like coming and going when I want.”
“I’m so happy for you, Faith. It seems like things have been good for you.”
“Oh, they have been. And even better now that my best friend is back in the picture. Maybe Michael and I can come over one night for dinner. I’d love for you to meet him.”
I swing around and search for Dominic. He’s sitting at the table, quietly leaving Faith and I to talk. But I can’t say yes to Faith’s request.
Dominic rises and comes to stand beside me. He takes the coffee cup I’m holding in a suddenly trembling hand and puts it on the counter.
“Are the coffees ready?”
I shake my head to him.
“Do you need the milk?”
Again I shake my head. Faith is looking at me curiously, trying to figure out what’s wrong.
I can’t have her boyfriend here. I’m not ready to allow another man in my own private space. Especially a man I don’t know.
What if he’s bad and just wants to hurt me?
My entire body starts to shake and I can feel the sweat coating my palms.
“Look at me, Allyn.”
I look up into his calm brown eyes searching my own.
“This is about you and Faith. Not anyone else.”
I nod listening to Dominic’s words.
“This is your home. You can control who comes here.” Dominic’s tone lowers and he lays his hands on my shoulders. “Your home,” he says again.
“Okay, this is my home.” I take a deep breath and keep my eyes glued to his. “I’m safe here.”
“You’re safe.”
“I’m safe,” I say again.
“You alright?” he asks me as he continues looking at me.
I find myself less nervous and anxious with Dominic standing in front of me. I nod again.
“I’m alright. Thank you.” I turn to Faith and smile, “I’m sorry about that. But I can’t have Michael here. I’m not ready for that.”
“I’m sorry, Ally, I didn’t even think before I said anything.”
“I have certain triggers. It’s not your fault, Faith. How were you supposed to know?”
Dominic takes his coffee and moves off to the side to allow Faith and me to talk.
The next four hours are spent just talking with my best friend, catching up on what’s been happening during the last three years. Dominic doesn’t really talk much, but he does add some comments to our discussions with his odd sense of humor, making both Faith and me laugh.
When Faith leaves, I lock the doors and look over at Dominic who’s sitting in the family room flicking through his tablet.
“How are you feeling?” he asks without making eye contact.
“It started out a little difficult, but I’m so happy she came over. I’ve really missed her.”
“You did really well.”
I slowly make my way into the family room and sit on the end of the sofa opposite Dominic.
“I don’t know how well I’m going to do tomorrow,” I admit. Truthfully, I’m terrified. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to take those steps out my front door.
“I won’t let you fall, Allyn.”
I’m not so much afraid of falling myself, but I’m petrified that I’ll drag Dominic down with me as he’s trying to save me.
Chapter 17
By 9 p.m., I’m terrified.
All day I’ve been trying to control my fears about tomorrow so I don’t alarm Dominic, but now I can’t ignore them any longer.
I’m pacing nervously. My body is trembling, my heart is racing, and sweat pours off me.
I’m absolutely shitting myself at the thought of going back there, of returning to where I was found.
But I also know that if I can do that, that I’ll be okay. With Dominic by my side, this should be easier to handle.
“You haven’t sat still since dinner,” Dominic says gently, leaning back into the sofa with his arm braced along the back.
“I’m really scared,” I answer as honestly as I can.
“What is it you’re frightened about?”
I stop pacing and can feel my eyebrows knit together as I consider his question.
“Everything. What if I remember more when we get there? What if it sends me backwards? What if it does nothing for me? The only thing I know for sure is that I’m beyond frightened and nervous.”
“Those are normal things to be feeling. It’s a scary thing, what we’re going to do. But I think it will help you move on.”
I comb my fingers through my hair and pull on the roots, just to feel something other than sheer terror.
“Fuck!” I yell out in frustration then start pacing again.
“Don’t do that, Allyn. Making yourself hurt is not the answer.” He stands to come toward me, and when he reaches me he gently cups my shoulders and leans down to look in my eyes. “You have so much inner strength, and you’re blind to it. Your courage simply amazes me.”
“You think I’m courageous?” I ask, baffled. How can he think I’m that strong?
He runs his hands slowly down my arms.
“The bravest person I know.”
I lower my gaze and take a small step closer to him.
“How? I’m hideous, I cry…”
His hands go to my waist and mine instinctively rest on his biceps.
He feels so right.
So warm.
I can see his chest rising and falling quickly.
He smells so nice, so manly.
“Your mind is beautiful, your soul is exquisite, and you’re simply remarkable.”
A tear rolls down my cheek. I don’t lift my head to look into his eyes, because I’m afraid of what I might see.
Dominic pulls me against his body and wraps his arms around me as I lay my head on his chest.
I can hear the rapid thump of his heart as it beats to a quickened pace.
Much like my own.
His hands don’t move beyond the small of my back. I hold on to him tightly, not wanting to let him go.
Dominic moves his head so his face is buried in my hair and I hear him take a deep breath.
“Mmm,” he lets out a small, husky moan.
With my eyes closed, lost in this intimate moment, I turn my head and brush my lips against his chest. It’s a moment of weakness, a moment I wish could go on forever, although in my head, I know it shouldn’t happen at all.
“Allyn,” he breathlessly pants my name.
“Yeah,” I answer dreamily.
“My god, um…” He stops talking. “I don’t think this is a good idea.” He clears his throat and releases me from his warm hold. But I don’t want him to let me go.
“I’m sorry. I did it again didn’t I?” I step back and look up at his beautiful face. Dominic’s eyes are soft and filled with an emotion I’ve only seen once before. Lust.
“Please don’t apologize. It’s me that needs to step back and give you room to heal.”
What?
It’s only because of him that I’m healing, finally starting to move forward. But I understand. He’s just my doctor, and no matter how much more I want him to be, that’s all he is.
“I need to get ready for bed.”
“I’m sleeping here tonight, Allyn. You’ve got a guest room upstairs, and there’s a bed in it, so I’m staying.”
“Why?” I ask as I step away and lean against the back of the sofa.
A Life Less Broken Page 9