Really, it’s all about story. To be oneself requires a vulnerability that needs love, compassion, forgiveness, and empathy to protect. We know that every single person who dares to come out of the closet does so at great risk. We share the truth about ourselves because we want to be known. We want to be known because we long to love and be loved. How is this anything other than the universal cry of the human heart?
When I reopened my guitar cases back in Australia, I had no idea what road would rise up to me. There was nothing to know except that it was my journey to take. All I could do was my part. I could only be honest about my life, live it, and sing through it. If there would be anyone to walk with me as a fellow weary traveler, I’d be lucky and glad to sing them a song. All I could do was offer the gifts that I had, and let the chips fall where they may.
Like Rainer Maria Rilke suggested in his Letters to a Young Poet, I confessed the truth: I was not whole without music in my life. Hidden away, I was not altogether myself. I was compelled to play even if no one ever listened again.
“Ask yourself in the most silent hour of the night,” prompts Rilke, “must I write?”
My answer, even after Pandora’s Box had opened, was still, “I must.”
I must write. I must sing. I must love. I must have faith. All these things insert themselves into being who I am.
They are such little words: “I am.” Yet their power is immeasurable and the words that follow are life defining.
The entire world could, would, can, and will forever offer its opinions about how to be the best version of yourself that they imagine you should be. Yet none of us will ever be able to live any life other than our own. There comes a point where the only real thing, the only choice we really have, is the choice to be responsible for the journey that is our own.
I gave up on my journey once, and I can’t imagine doing it again.
acknowledgments
With gratitude and a great measure of love, I wish to thank my dear friends and family who have been so important and encouraging in helping me understand the value of what it means to have a story and to share it. Without your kindness, selflessness, and courage I would never have had the strength, clarity, or patience to take on the writing of this book. Each of you has given so much in time, wisdom, love, hot meals, and a little grog, all in perfect measure. You have helped me shape a story out of what seemed like chaos. So, thank you, for everything.
To My Love, how you center me! I am grateful for you in my life. To my family on all continents for blessing me with a lifetime of endless inspiration and support. For those who make “family” a much wider notion than I could have ever imagined: Laura, Andreas, Ellis, and Nikolas Berlind; Mike Kimbrell; Kimble and Chris Bosworth; Ted, Amy, Amber, and Alyssa Gavin; Spike and Lea Mason. Thank you for years of getting me across the line.
Special thanks to Jeff Chu for introducing me to Beth Adams, who would become my intrepid editor. Beth, your upbeat charm and disarming courage got me going, your tough questions helped me suss it all out, and your patience convinced me of the impossible. Thank you.
For every story that is told there are those who inspire it, and for that my deepest appreciation rests with Daneen Akers, Marcy Bain, Keb and Stephanie Barrett, Margaret Becker, Meghann Bowyer, Tristin Burke, Lianna Carrera, Amy Courts, Kevin Cuchia, Jason DeShazo, Carol Dunevant, Joey Elwood, Wyatt Espalin, Chris Ford, Megan Gandy, Jessy Grondin, Ginny Guedes, Carter Harkins, Gareth Higgins, Taylor Hill, John Huie, Justin Lee, Laura Rossbert, Mitchell Solarek, Bonnie Taylor, Dana True, Mark Tidd, Nancy VanReece, Derek Webb, Angela Wilson, and the growing list of churches, leaders, and supporters that have fueled what is now Inside Out Faith.
I cannot fail to mention the Knappsters (pardon the catchall for the many names I will spend a lifetime trying to remember). You are a loyal fan base who held vigil that someday I could write again. You have shared countless stories, inspired, and cried with and sung with me when I thought no one should or would.
Thank you.
Yours, Jennifer.
about the author
Jennifer Knapp is a highly acclaimed singer-songwriter who got her star in Christian Contemporary Music (CCM). Knapp exited CCM in 2002 at the height of her professional music career and seemed to disappear. On her return in 2010, she publicly confirmed that she was gay. Today, she performs and tours extensively and actively engages in advocacy work alongside religious communities and leaders that seek to create an open and affirming spiritual home for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people of faith.
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Copyright © 2014 by Jennifer Knapp
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First Howard Books hardcover edition October 2014
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Interior design by Davina Mock-Maniscalco
Jacket design by Bruce Gore
Front jacket photograph by Fairlight Hubbard for Eye Management
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Knapp, Jennifer.
Facing the music : my story / Jennifer Knapp.
pages cm
1. Knapp, Jennifer, 1974– 2. Rock musicians—United States—Biography. I. Title.
ML420.K64A3 2014
782.42164092—dc23
[B]
2014008731
ISBN 978-1-4767-5947-0
ISBN 978-1-4767-5949-4 (ebook)
Facing the Music Page 26