Brandy said Purdue don’t be a fool.
She said no woman understands.
She said we just aren’t geared that way.
She said tell her and you’ll break something that you’ll never get fixed.
She said men can’t seem to get that through their thick skulls.
She looked at her watch and sat up quickly.
She said Purdue I have to do a bit of eavesdropping.
She said why don’t you go downstairs and look around and I’ll join you for lunch as soon as possible.
We dressed and I shoved my three-cell flashlight under my belt.
Brandy said do you think you’ll need that in broad daylight?
I shrugged.
I said sometimes it comes in handy.
Before I left for the elevator I said Brandy?
She said yes?
I looked down at the shag carpeting and kicked at it.
I shook my head.
I said skip it.
I said I don’t think I know how to say it.
Brandy nodded and smiled.
It was a slow sad smile.
She started to say something and stopped.
She said neither do I.
I went out.
40
…Diogenes was going around carrying a lantern in the daytime…claimed he was looking for a honest man…they throwed his ass in jail…turned out he had stole the lantern…
Monroe D. Underwood
One of the hallway light bulbs had burned out and the hallway was quite dim.
The indicator showed the elevator to be on the main floor.
I pushed the button and waited.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a man come out of the stairway entrance.
When he saw me he stopped and ducked back in.
I lit a cigarette and whistled a chorus of Alte Kameraden.
I acted very unconcerned.
I took the elevator to the second floor.
I dashed to the stairway and tiptoed to the third floor.
There was no one on the landing.
I peeked around the corner.
I saw him crouching by the door of room 306.
He was doing something to the lock.
I came up behind him very quietly.
I hit him on the head with my three-cell flashlight.
He went down like a sack of wet sugar.
He was a big bastard.
I rolled him over.
A key fell out of his hand.
It was Grogan.
I shrugged.
I went back to the elevator and pushed the button.
He should have knocked.
41
…oncet there was a feller what believed in God but wouldn’t go to church…when they asked him how come he said well you can’t do both…
Monroe D. Underwood
The lounge was jammed to the scuppers.
A thick blue layer of tobacco smoke wallowed against the recessed ceiling lights.
A steady drum of voices throbbed through the room punctuated by bursts of drunken laughter and the breaking of cocktail glasses.
I searched the sea of faces.
The pearl-gray fedora bunch was at the bar but I saw others.
A few looked slightly familiar but I couldn’t nail them down.
These were men.
The years had washed the youngsters away.
I saw one woman in the throng.
I looked at her escort.
Captain Roland J. Carver.
That affected apple-polishing fink.
I spotted Harry Jennings.
His panda was tucked securely under one arm and he was talking to a hatchet-faced man at the bar.
I grinned.
Ace Hacker by God.
Ace Hacker the drinkingest woman-chasingest fightingest gold-brickingest AWOLest sonofabitch the United States Army had ever wasted a uniform on.
I had been on a bender or two with Ace.
He was the type that always kept an ear to the ground and he just might have heard something of value.
I headed in that direction.
Harry Jennings slipped from his barstool and went lurching into the crowd.
I occupied Harry’s seat.
I said Ace Hacker you rotten old bastard.
Ace Hacker grabbed my hand and squeezed.
He said hallelujah Brother Purdue.
He said I see that God has seen fit to spare your sinful life.
I chuckled.
I said Ace it’s good to see you again.
Ace said Brother Purdue oft in the dead of the night I have prayed for your prodigal soul.
I said how have you been old buddy?
Ace slapped me on the shoulder.
He clapped his hands.
He said well Brother Purdue let me inform you that there has been a remarkable change in old Ace Hacker.
He said Jesus got a-holt of my life and he won’t let me go.
He said I’ve turned my back on those old dark sinful days.
He said I’m on my way to Canaan’s land.
Ace’s eyes had grown feverish.
He jumped from his barstool.
He said oh glory to God.
He did a little dance step.
He kicked his barstool.
He said yes it’s all behind me now.
He said the old account was settled long ago.
He said I’m on that high road to Heaven.
He kicked my barstool.
He said praise the Lord.
He said I’ve wrapped my sins in the rags of my life and I’ve laid ’em at the blessed cross of Calvary.
He said I’ve been washed in the blood.
He stamped his foot.
He let out a Comanche war whoop.
He jumped up and down a few times.
He kicked Cool Lips Chericola’s barstool.
Cool Lips Chericola said hey kid how you like a pair cementa overshoes?
He said how you like winda up in trunka car inna shopping center?
He said you kicka my stoola wunna more time amma gonna busta you face.
Ace Hacker said I’ve been to the fountain of eternal life.
He said oh thank you Jesus.
Cool Lips Chericola grabbed his drink and started for the other side of the bar.
He said thissa sonofbitch crazy.
He said coulda be dangerous.
Ace Hacker said oh blessed be the tie that binds.
He gave me a card.
Reverend Thurmond Hacker.
Have Bible Will Travel.
42
…any time you think a good man is hard to find just try looking for a good woman…
Monroe D. Underwood
Halfway to the door I bumped into Captain Roland J. Carver.
He said watch it soldier.
He looked me over.
He said well I’ll be damned.
He took his wife by the arm.
She was a good-looking woman even if she was over fifty.
Captain Carver said honey this is one of the finest men it was ever my privilege to command.
I wondered if Captain Carver remembered trying to court-martial me for getting drunk on guard duty.
Apparently Captain Carver was making a lot of money.
Captain Carver said boy I’m sure making a lot of money.
I said doing what?
Captain Carver smiled mysteriously.
He said oh any number of things.
I shrugged.
I said I’m pretty good at that myself only I’m not making a lot of money at it.
Captain Carver said well a man is only as good as he thinks he is.
I said I’m terribly sorry to hear that.
Captain Carver said Sergeant I can’t remember your last name.
I said Purdue.
I said Private Purdue.
I said I was in the radio section.
Captain Carver said oh yes
Private Purdue.
He said you were in the radio section.
He took his wife and hurried away.
43
…oncet I knowed a feller what kept opening wrong doors…it got him shot but he died a millionaire…
Monroe D. Underwood
I heard the grizzled old bartender holler not that door you fool.
He hollered this door you fool.
There was a prolonged rattling and clanging.
Harry Jennings was stretched on the hallway floor.
He was buried under a pile of cleaning equipment.
He dug his way out.
He grabbed his panda and dusted it off.
He glared into the broom closet.
He said thass perfeckly okay.
He said they doan wann my bizniss they doan get my bizniss.
44
…kind of dancing they do these days you got to have a CB radio to keep in touch with your partner…
Monroe D. Underwood
In the Reggis Arms dining room Brandy wore a sleek form-fitting black dress and spike-heeled black patent leather pumps and large golden earrings.
And no half-slip.
I said you look kind of gypsyish.
Brandy smiled over her bacon lettuce and tomato club sandwich.
She said Purdue you can jingle my tambourine any old time.
She said I love the way you fiddle around.
She said how’s the reunion progressing?
I shrugged.
I said listen.
A torrent of sound was billowing out of the lounge.
My old outfit was singing “Christopher Columbo.”
The guys in the pearl-gray fedoras were singing “America the Beautiful.”
I could hear a lone voice singing “Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam.”
Probably Ace Hacker.
Brandy said all they need is a good tenor.
I said it’s like the Battle of San Juan Hill in there.
I said the only woman is Captain Carver’s wife and she’s over fifty.
I said we got us a complete bust-out.
I said Sonia is probably back in Kaleski.
I said wherever that is.
Brandy said it’s on the Czech western border just north of Austria.
She said it’s such a picturesque little country.
She said it has old castles and chestnut trees and sidewalk cafés with zither music.
She said ever so romantic.
Brandy’s liquid brown eyes were dreamy.
She said Kaleski would make the ideal setting for an operetta.
I shrugged.
I said I never heard of it until Tuesday night.
I finished my steak sandwich.
I took a nip of my green chartreuse and a snort of my black coffee.
I said they’re going to hold a dance in the basement tonight.
I said Major General Howard B. Davis will be there.
Brandy said how will they hold a dance without women?
I shrugged.
I said well that may present a challenge.
Brandy said perhaps Sonia will attend the dance.
I said what if she does?
I said I wouldn’t know her if she attacked me with a fire ax.
Brandy said she’s mid-thirtyish and blonde and blue-eyed.
I said Grogan didn’t mention blonde and blue-eyed.
Brandy said Grogan is becoming increasingly forgetful.
She said what’s more he’s drinking on the job.
She said he was holding his head and staggering all over the third floor hallway a little while ago.
She said he fell down the stairs before my very eyes.
I said well maybe he’s entitled to a couple of minor mistakes.
Brandy gave me a steady brown-eyed look.
She said Purdue in this business there are no minor mistakes.
45
…I don’t mind things going from bad to worse but I get a little concerned when they don’t stop there…
Monroe D. Underwood
During my third cup of black coffee Brandy said tomorrow should be a rough day.
She said I have several important calls to make this afternoon.
She said see what you can find out and come up to the room when you’re ready.
I said ready for what?
Brandy said Purdue you have a naughty mind.
I saw her to the elevator.
As the doors closed she blew me a kiss and waved her handkerchief.
She was laughing.
I turned to leave and met Grogan.
He said be careful Purdue.
He said there’s a homicidal maniac running loose in this hotel.
He said he goddam near fractured my skull.
I said what does he look like?
Grogan frowned.
He said well that’s the trouble.
He said nobody has seen him yet.
I excused myself and started prowling around.
I found a few guys from Headquarters Battery.
Nick Wilson was in the used car business in Toledo.
His wife hadn’t come because she wasn’t feeling well.
Larry Collins was working for a fumigator in St. Paul.
Neither had his because she wasn’t either.
Jack Chandler had a gas station in Louisville.
Jack didn’t have a wife.
He said why buy a cow when milk’s so cheap?
I shrugged.
Admiral Yogo Takashita was coming through the lobby.
I introduced myself and told him that I had enjoyed a poem he had written for Kamikaze Veterans’ Digest.
He said ah so.
He walked away with his samurai sword thumping the carpeting.
Nellie Callahan was vacuuming the hallway.
She said how was Bolivia?
I shrugged.
I said compared to what?
Nellie said did you stop at Tampa?
I said we would have but they couldn’t find it.
Nellie said I get off at midnight.
I said I believe you said something about that.
Nellie said 415 is empty and I got a master key.
I said have you ever caught the guy who’s been messing up your broom closet?
Nellie said I’ll get the sonofabitch.
She said it’s only a matter of time.
She said I’ll be in 415 so just knock.
She said shave and a haircut two-bits.
She threw her vacuum cleaner to her shoulder and marched down the hallway looking very much like the entire United States Marine Corps.
I flopped into a chair that commanded a view of the lounge doorway.
In a few minutes I saw Harry Jennings leave the lounge.
He noticed me and came over.
He said hey is hooker in room 307.
He said is Cappun Carver’s wife.
He said not bad for twenny bucks.
A few minutes later Gino Scarletti came out.
So did Grogan.
A short heavyset woman piled out of a corner chair and bore down on the lounge doorway.
There was fire in her eyes.
Mama Rosa.
She didn’t speak to Gino.
She confronted Grogan.
She said so.
She said so you the bad influenza.
She said so you the diavolo who keepa my Gino away from home.
Grogan said who the hell is Gino?
Mama Rosa said don’ta acta dumb sporco bastardo.
She busted Grogan in the solar plexus with a very good short right.
Grogan’s gloomy eyes bulged.
He emitted a great whoosh of air.
He went to his knees.
He regained his feet.
He stumbled across the hallway and fell against the door of Nellie Callahan’s broom closet.
He bounced off and the broom closet door flew open.
T
here was a deluge of brooms and buckets and mops.
Grogan went down again.
Mama Rosa smiled at Gino.
She said you come home now sweetheart.
She said Mama Rosa gonna givva you lotsa nice loving.
Gino blanched.
Mama Rosa led him away.
From far down the hall there came a triumphant screech.
Grogan took one look and clambered to his feet.
He lit out for the staircase like a buffalo on the lam from all the Indians west of the Mississippi.
The tails of his black trench coat made vicious little crackling sounds.
Nellie Callahan hove into view.
Her vacuum cleaner was held at the ready.
From this angle she resembled the Fifth Armored Division.
I yelled hold it Nellie.
I yelled that’s the wrong guy.
Nellie yelled then I’ll just have to do the best I can with what I got.
I started after Nellie.
Grogan leveled off at the third floor.
He thundered down the long hallway.
Nellie Callahan was forty feet off the pace but she was closing the gap.
Grogan threw a frantic key into the door of room 306.
He went right in.
He came right out.
Upside down and airborne.
He crashed into the door of room 307.
Ace Hacker and Mrs. Carver peeked out.
Grogan flopped around the hallway like a beached whale.
Brandy stood over him with her hands on her hips.
She said I told you to knock goddammit.
She said shave and a haircut two-bits.
She said men make lousy operatives.
Nellie Callahan was trying to insert her vacuum cleaner in Grogan’s nose.
Grogan said take it easy for Christ’s sake.
He said I’m with the CIA.
Nellie said well baby so am I.
She said let’s go up to 415 and talk it over.
Brandy pulled me into our room.
She locked the door.
She said apparently it’s happy-time at the Reggis Arms.
She said why should we be different?
She began to strip.
I watched her.
Beyond doubt I was about to hit the hay with the most beautiful brunette on the face of Planet Earth.
46
…inviting a woman to have sex is like inviting Colonel Sanders to a chicken dinner…
The Reggis Arms Caper Page 7