I said how did the mob get hold of one?
Brandy watched the tail end of the police convoy vanish into the damp gray afternoon.
She turned away from the glass door and sat on the bed.
She said they stole it from the San Diablo Arsenal.
I said wasn’t there any goddam security?
Brandy said yes but the entire Mafia had been working on the project for months and I don’t have to tell you that the Mafia has one helluva sphere of influence.
I said how did you get next to the deal?
Brandy said we pieced oddball clues and tips together but the clincher came when Cool Lips Chericola and his boys sang “America the Beautiful” in the Rattlesnake Café last Sunday evening.
I said where’s the Rattlesnake Café?
Brandy said in San Diablo directly across the street from the arsenal.
She said Admiral Takashita agreed to mastermind the attack providing it would be launched on December 7th.
She said Takashita has always been envious of Yamamoto’s Pearl Harbor design and he intended to go Yamamoto one better.
She said he felt that he deserved his own niche in history.
I shrugged.
I said well I guess that explains everything but why.
Brandy said Purdue Communism is devouring the world and this nation no longer has the guts and leadership to meet a challenge.
She said everybody knows that the Mafia wouldn’t last thirty minutes under Communism and it’s obvious that we’re going to fall to Communism unless somebody does something.
She said the mob chieftains held a big pow-wow in Youngstown Ohio nearly a year ago and that’s when Operation Cannoli was set in motion.
I said Operation what?
Brandy said a cannoli is an Italian pastry.
I said yeah I think I tried one once.
I said it had little green things on it.
I said I didn’t like it.
Brandy said I monitored the Takashita lectures with a compact electronic gadget.
I said I think they put cheese in the damn things.
Brandy said it was a beautifully plotted business.
I said at first I thought it was whipped cream.
Brandy said in a Russian plane with a gun at the pilot’s head they couldn’t have missed.
I said it looked just like whipped cream.
Brandy said oh Jesus Christ Purdue shut up.
There were goose bumps on Brandy’s arms.
I took off my jacket and threw it over her shoulders.
Brandy looked at me with soft eyes.
She said aw that was nice of you Purdue.
She said old Takashita really had them fired up.
I said yeah a bunch of Italians hollering banzai.
I said how fired up can you get?
Brandy said Purdue if I could have been absolutely certain that the blast would have neutralized all of Russia’s long range missiles I honestly believe I would have looked the other way.
I said millions of people would have died.
Brandy nodded.
She said millions will die anyway.
She said better them than us.
I said is that what they say at Langley?
Brandy said no that’s what they say everywhere but in the United States of America.
She said it’s an ethic we forgot long ago.
54
…if there wasn’t no bad news a feller wouldn’t know good news when he heard it…
Monroe D. Underwood
Brandy flipped my jacket from her shoulders.
She seemed nervous.
She sucked on her cigarette as though it would be her very last.
She drummed her fingernails along the rim of the ashtray.
Her expression was grave.
She said Purdue there’s something you must be told.
She shook her head slowly.
She said I’ll be damned if I can find a way to tell you.
I said just tell me.
Brandy said it isn’t that easy.
She said this is goddam terrible news.
I said how goddam terrible?
Brandy said about as goddam terrible as it can get.
I said well for Christ’s sake Brandy what is it?
Brandy looked at me with misery in her liquid brown eyes.
Her face was ashen.
She said it’s so goddam terrible I just can’t believe it.
My throat had gone dry and the palms of my hands were moist.
I said all right Brandy get it over with.
Brandy buried her face in her hands.
She said oh Lord Purdue I’ve fallen in love with you.
I said that’s pretty goddam terrible.
55
…women makes just as many mistakes as men…feller at the marriage license bureau told me that…
Monroe D. Underwood
Brandy plucked at the tiny blue tufts on the bedspread.
She said impossible.
She said just impossible.
She said men have never meant a blessed thing to me.
She said a few have been so-so in bed and it stops right there.
She said I wouldn’t give you a plugged peso for a wagon load of the bastards.
She said they’re lazy and stupid and hopelessly incompetent.
She said they’re vain and heavy-handed.
She said they’re everything I can’t possibly use and I have to go fall in love with one.
She said it just makes me sick.
I shrugged.
I said don’t feel bad Brandy it’s probably just a mistake.
Brandy’s eyes flashed nasty little sparks.
She said mistake?
She said mistake hell.
She said the first time you blundered in here you were six feet tall.
She said now you look like a fugitive from Mt. Rushmore.
She said you have a golden halo twice the size of a mill wheel.
She said the goddam thing just hangs there and shines in my eyes.
She said I get a great big thrill just watching you scratch your ass.
She said when you touch me I light up like a goddam carnival and when you aren’t near me I wish to Christ I was dead and buried.
She said does that sound like a mistake to you?
56
…oncet there was a woman what couldn’t say no…most wonderful speech impediment in history…
Monroe D. Underwood
Brandy was in my arms.
She was trembling.
She said it couldn’t be with a bachelor millionaire.
She said oh certainly not.
She said it had to be with a married private detective.
She said but oh my God it’s so good.
She wiggled her beautiful bare buttocks.
She said wow what a feeling.
She said it’s like a constant orgasm.
I shrugged.
I said well I guess that’s one way of describing it.
There was a long lilac silence.
Brandy held me tightly.
Like a drunk holds the only lamppost on the block.
She said Purdue I’ll never own you but that’s probably much for the best.
She said I don’t believe in people owning people.
She said but I go through Chicago often and I draw assignments here.
She said you’d be so wonderful to look forward to.
She said I want to ask you a question.
She said you can answer it in a word.
She said just be merciful and make it quick.
I sensed the question and I knew what my answer would have to be.
There was no getting around it.
I tilted her head.
Her dark wavy hair flowed over my arm in a soft fragrant torrent.
Her face was wet with tears.
Stars swam in the depths of her liquid brown eyes.
There was a marvelous little-girl lostness about her.
I said shoot.
Brandy took a deep breath and said okay.
She said Purdue may I see you again and again?
She had blurted it out like a six-year-old during a church Christmas program.
I said that’s two questions.
I kissed Brandy on her salty lips.
I squeezed her until the breath rushed out of her.
I said I’ll have to answer them one at a time.
Brandy said wait a second I’m praying.
I said you say when.
Brandy said okay when.
I said yes.
Then I said yes.
Brandy smiled her wonderfully warm smile.
She winked at me and a tear fell.
She said Purdue you got them both right.
57
…I never bit off more than I could chew but there has been times I couldn’t get it swallowed…
Monroe D. Underwood
Dying daylight clawed feebly at the glass door.
The telephone rang.
Until then Brandy’s delicious little murmurs had been the only sounds in the room.
Brandy said oh damn wouldn’t you just know it?
She said Purdue will you grab the phone?
She said this call has to be important.
I said it’s probably for you.
Brandy said Purdue I’m aware of that but I can’t reach the goddam thing.
She said not from this position.
I said Brandy I hate to meddle in anything I’m not supposed to.
Brandy said Purdue goddammit hand me that telephone.
I shrugged.
I handed the phone to Brandy.
She grabbed it and flattened her hand across the mouthpiece.
She said I thought I’d tried everything but I’ve never talked on the phone while this was going on.
She said I’ll only be a second.
She took her hand from the mouthpiece.
She said yes?
She said very good.
She said excellent.
She said yes he’s nearly through here.
She said well just wait where you are.
She said hang on a minute.
She clamped her hand over the mouthpiece.
She said Purdue damn you wait.
She removed her hand from the mouthpiece.
She said of course.
She said sit tight and wait.
Her hand returned to the mouthpiece.
She said Purdue I told you to wait.
She said wait dammit.
She said wait.
Her hand left the mouthpiece and began to claw my shoulder.
She said no don’t wait.
She said get it over with.
She said go.
She said no not you.
She said you wait.
She said no I’m just fine.
She said go.
She said oh my God go.
She said what do you mean make up my mind?
She said you’ve been instructed to wait.
She said can’t you understand English?
She said go go go.
She said how many times do I have to tell you to wait?
She said go.
She threw the telephone to the floor.
She said oh Jesus Christ men make lousy operatives.
58
…the only thing tougher than saying good-bye to your mother is saying hello to your mother-in-law…
Monroe D. Underwood
Brandy had adjusted my tie.
She had said drive very carefully.
She had said that’s an order.
I had said what about Sonia?
Brandy had said don’t worry about Sonia.
She had said Sonia has been in the best of hands all the time.
She had kissed me on the mouth and on the cheek and on the nose and on the throat.
She had said I have to be on a plane to Bolivia in three hours.
She had said but thank God this isn’t the end for us.
She had said it’s only the beginning of the beginning.
She had said I’m not even going to cry you just wait and see.
I had shrugged.
Brandy had closed the door quietly behind me.
I took the elevator down.
I walked through the lobby.
On the broom closet door there was a padlock the size of a small ham.
I passed the desk and Myrtle Grady smiled at me.
She said God bless you Mr. Purdue.
I said thanks Myrtle.
I said thanks for everything.
Myrtle said one hand washes the other.
I walked through the hallway where the fluorescent bulb was going crazy.
The big black cat arched his back and hissed.
I went down the crumbling stairs to the cracked-macadam parking lot.
There was no moon and the night was very dark.
A cold rain rode a sharp wind out of the west.
Traffic made sizzling sounds on Reggis Boulevard.
I picked my way through puddles and crushed beer cans to the Olds.
I heaved my suitcase into the backseat.
The Olds was cranky.
Two days in the rain.
Finally it kicked.
I backed out.
I glanced up at room 306.
Brandy stood on the wrought-iron balcony.
She wore a light robe.
The wind whipped it to her thighs.
Her dark wavy hair flew tangled and free like the mane of a wild horse.
She blew me a kiss.
She waved her handkerchief.
Like when I had put her on the elevator.
I waited for her to laugh.
Brandy bowed her head with her handkerchief covering her face.
She wasn’t laughing.
I pulled onto Reggis Boulevard and drove east.
I turned the tape deck on.
Alte Kameraden filled the car.
Such a sad song.
I brushed the rain from my eyes with the back of my hand.
59
…there is secret agents and insurance agents and real estate agents and all kinds of agents and you can’t trust none of the bastards…
Monroe D. Underwood
I pulled into the little parking lot behind Betsy’s Last Chance.
It was a sharp turn off the alley and I had a tough time squeezing the Olds between a Ford and a Chevy.
I climbed the back stairs to our apartment.
Very slowly.
There was a dull ache in my groin and the rest of me was numb.
I felt like I had been hit by the Wabash Cannonball.
I stepped into the kitchen and dropped my suitcase by the door.
I heard voices in the living room.
I went in.
Betsy was wearing her blue pajamas and a beige robe.
She perched on the arm of our beige chair.
Grogan sat in our blue chair.
Ace Hacker and Harry Jennings sat on our blue couch.
Harry’s stuffed panda sat on our beige coffee table.
I said not another goddam reunion.
Harry said yeah sort of.
He said sit down Chance.
Betsy was pale.
Her eyes blazed tiny blue daggers.
She said Chance I want you to run out and buy a machine gun and shoot these people.
I said what’s the score?
Betsy said good Lord I don’t even know who’s playing.
She glared at Ace and Harry.
She said first these two screwballs came in and hid in a closet.
She frowned at Grogan.
She said then this gorilla came in.
She said then the two screwballs jumped out of the closet and pounced on the gorilla.
She said it’s been like an old-time movie.
I said well if it was so funny how come you aren’t laughing?
Betsy said because I’m so goddam mad I can’t see straight.
Harry said Chance I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce Mr. Leonid K. Groganovitch.
He said Mr. Groganovitch is from Voroshilovgrad and he is employed by an organization known as the KGB.
He said Groganovitch is the best they have but he made a grave error.
He said he tangled with Brandy Alexander who is the best the CIA has.
He said Groganovitch lost.
He said just ask Groganovitch.
Grogan said Brandy Alexander cheats.
I sat on the couch with Ace and Harry.
I said what have you bastards been smoking?
Betsy said the gorilla told me has was going to take me back to Winsocki.
Grogan said Kaleski.
I said what the hell for?
Betsy said I think he wanted a banana.
Grogan said we will bury you.
Betsy said he seems to have the idea my name is Sunny or something.
Grogan said Sonia.
He said Princess Sonia of Kaleski and traitor to the people’s revolution.
He raised his fist and said long live the revolution.
I looked at Harry.
I said Harry I’m tired.
Harry grinned.
He said you ought to be.
I said why don’t you three go downstairs and talk to Old Dad Underwood?
I said he’ll get this all straightened out in a hurry.
Harry said Chance your wife has given you a brief outline.
He said we’ll try to fill you in on the particulars.
He said Kaleski fell to the Communists nearly thirty years ago and Sonia’s collaborationist Uncle Zoono was installed as puppet ruler.
He said then the Kremlin put out an all points bulletin on Sonia.
He said she’s legitimate heir to the throne of Kaleski and she’s a fly in the soup.
Betsy said buzz buzz.
Grogan said capitalist comedienne.
Harry said recently Groganovitch was given the job of getting Sonia and Brandy was given the job of getting Groganovitch.
He said while Groganovitch was passing himself off as a CIA agent to everybody in sight Brandy was passing herself off as a KGB agent to Grogan.
He said it developed into a close-quarters duel between the two best in the business.
The Reggis Arms Caper Page 9