by Hazel Kelly
“It’s okay, Zo. I’m not mad.”
“You’re not?”
“I mean, it’s a little awkward.” She held her cheek. “Maybe more than a little if I really start thinking about it.”
I cringed.
“But I suppose it’s no more awkward than trying to ignore the chemistry you guys had when we were dating.”
I leaned forward. “Nothing ever happened between us back then. I never would’ve hurt you like that. I never would’ve-”
“I know,” she said, fixing her eyes on me. “I knew.”
I pressed my lips together, wondering exactly how much she knew, wondering if we all knew on some level that our friendly trio wasn’t as simple as it looked from the outside. Then again, even if we had known, things couldn’t have played out any other way.
Back then, I wasn’t ready for what they were ready for, and my parents were in the process of becoming his legal guardians. Sure, I wished things were different at the time, but in hindsight, I wouldn’t wish away the happiness they found in each other, at least in the beginning. I doubted they would either, even despite the obstacles they faced later on.
“Anyway,” she said. “It doesn’t matter who the guy is as long as you’re happy. Though I suppose if it’s Logan, and he’s happy too, then that’s even better.”
I curled my toes in my boots, trying to contain the rush of relief I felt at her generosity.
“Because I want that for him,” she added sincerely. “He deserves it more than anyone I know.”
“Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me for being supportive,” she said. “What right would I have to come between you guys when you never did that to me?”
“You have no idea what it means to hear you say that.”
“Sure I do,” she said. “And I’m proud of you, Zo. College looks good on you and so does going after what you want. So don’t apologize for it, okay?”
“Okay.”
She slid a hand across the table, and I reached out to take it, smiling when she gave me a gentle squeeze.
“Promise you won’t hide shit from me anymore, though,” she said. “Not now when I’m far away and need you more than ever.”
“I promise.”
She lowered her head but kept her eyes on mine. “It’s okay if you want to spare me the details, though, all things considered.”
“Sure. No details. Got it.”
“And don’t hurt him,” she said. “Don’t hurt him like I did. I regret the way I handled things, the way I treated him in the end. I know I was young and scared and immature, but I was unkind, too, and he deserved better.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be telling me to be careful and to not get hurt?”
“Maybe if it were any other guy,” she said, smiling. “But I know Logan. And I know in my heart he would never hurt you.”
I bit my lip.
“What I don’t know,” she added, “is whether you’re ready for how much he’ll love you if you let him.”
F O R T Y
- Logan -
I couldn’t procrastinate studying for my stats exam anymore, but some idiot had separated the broom and the dustpan, so I couldn’t pick up the pile of sawdust beside my bed and move on with my life either.
Atop the pile was the tiny deer I’d been whittling for the last two hours, or more accurately, attempting to whittle. I thought it might take my mind off the shit day I was having. Unfortunately, it never lived to have a face because I messed up one of its haunches and ended up hacking its whole leg off in a fit of frustration.
So not only was the whole exercise unproductive, but I made an absolute mess and still wasn’t prepared for my test.
“It’s not a good time,” I said when I heard a knock at the door. I leaned the broom against my closet, pulled out my desk chair, and leaned over the passage of my textbook where I got stuck in the first place.
“Logan?”
Fuck.
“It’s Zoey.”
As if she needed to say that, as if every part of my body hadn’t responded to the sound of her voice.
“I just came to grab my key.”
“Yeah, come in,” I said, reaching in my pocket and sliding them to the end of the desk closest to the door.
She entered slowly, her expression seeking permission for the intrusion.
I wasn’t sure how to greet her, though. Twenty-four hours ago I would’ve been delighted to have her drop by, but that was before she gave away the fact that she was just slumming it with me like everybody else.
“Hey.”
I looked away, embarrassed by how hurt I was, by how vividly I’d imagined a future with her. “Your key’s just there,” I said, gesturing towards it.
She closed the door behind her like I was afraid she might. “Am I interrupting?”
“You could say that,” I said, keeping my eyes on my open book even though the text had gone blurry and the charts never made sense to me in the first place.
She came up behind me, slid her hands over my shoulders, and leaned down to hug me. Her hair smelled like the breakfast we never went for.
I stopped breathing and froze when she pressed her cheek against mine. “Sure you don’t have time for a little break?” she sang playfully.
“I thought you came by for your key.”
She pulled her arms back. “I did, yeah, but-”
“But what?” I asked, turning to look at her and doing my best to ignore the way her loose shirt hung on her curves.
“But I wanted to see you, too.”
“Well, you’ve seen me.” I held out my hands to make sure she got a good look before turning back towards my desk.
“Is this about this morning?” she asked. “I know I sort of panicked.”
I scoffed.
“Logan, talk to me. If you’re upset with me-”
“I’m not upset with you,” I said, turning a page to make it look like I wasn’t too angry to study. “I’m upset with myself for misreading the situation.”
“What situation?”
I spun around so fast she startled. “This,” I said, pointing a finger back and forth between us.
She furrowed her brow. “What are you talking about?”
“I really don’t want to get into it,” I said. “I’ve already said way too much, and you said more than enough this morning without saying anything at all.”
“Am I missing something?”
I groaned and tried to spin back around, but she stepped forward and blocked one of my knees with hers. “What did I say?” she asked, searching my eyes. “If I didn’t say anything, I don’t understand how I could’ve upset you so much.”
“You’re ashamed of me, Zo.” I scooted my chair back so we weren’t touching knees anymore. “Maybe you didn’t realize it until this morning. I certainly didn’t. But you are.”
“What? No, I’m not.”
“It’s fine,” I said, raising my palms. “I’m used to it. Joke’s on me for being surprised.”
“I’m not ashamed of you, Logan.” Her big eyes wouldn’t leave me. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it?” I asked. “Because actions speak louder than words, and your actions this morning were pretty fucking loud.”
“That’s not fair.”
I lifted a palm towards the door. “Would you just leave me alone?”
Her eyes flashed with anger before turning glassy.
“You needn’t waste your breath placating my feelings.”
“I’m not ashamed of you,” she said through gritted teeth. “I’m ashamed of the fact that I was willing to hurt my best friend to be with you.”
My chest tightened at the shakiness of her voice.
“I’m ashamed of the fact that I didn’t tell her how I felt about you when I was fourteen. I’m ashamed of the fact that I crushed on you right under her nose for years.”
I clenched my jaw.
“I’m ashamed of the fact that I wish I’d been having sex wi
th you this morning instead of breakfast with her, okay?” she said, her bloodshot eyes looking like they might burst. “That’s what I’m ashamed of. Hurting her anyway after trying not to for so long.”
“You were never going to be able to hide this from her forever.”
“You think I don’t know that?!”
I shrugged.
“I can’t believe you’re acting this way,” she said. “You’re the one who said you wanted us to be a secret!”
I stood and squared up to her, too filled with fire to stay seated any longer. “Well I guess I don’t, okay?”
She looked up at me and closed her parted lips.
“I’ve had secrets my whole life, Zo, and they’ve only ever been bad.” I shoved my chair under my desk. “So, no, I don’t want us to be a secret.”
Zoey clasped her necklace in one hand and blinked the redness from her eyes.
“Especially from Piper,” I said, looking away to get a break from her distressed gaze. “She means too much to both of us, and after this morning, I don’t know.” I lifted my eyes to hers again. “I guess I’m just worried you’ll choose her.”
F O R T Y O N E
- Zoey -
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Worried I’ll choose her? That’s rich coming from someone who did exactly that for years.”
He squeezed the back of his neck. “I already told you I’m not going to apologize for the past.”
“Yet you clearly expect me to apologize for this morning,” I said. “For actions I took when I was half asleep in an attempt to protect someone we both care about.”
“I don’t expect you to apologize at all,” he said, shaking his head. “But I do expect you to leave if I ask you to.”
My mouth fell open. “You seriously want me to leave? To just go? For this to be over?”
“Of course I don’t want this to be over, but I’m not going to play the fool just so you can have your first little college rebellion.”
I groaned and grabbed my hair with both hands. “What?! That’s crazy! This is crazy! Can you even hear yourself?”
“I assume that’s a hypothetical question.”
“This is so fucked up!” I shook my hands in the air. “We shouldn’t be fighting like this already. It’s not right. Something’s not right.”
“You said that like it’s me.”
“I’m not saying it’s you. I’m saying I don’t get how we got here when we’ve tried so hard to keep things simple.”
“Simple?” He looked at me like I was crazy. “Don’t you get that I’ll lose the only family I’ve ever known if this doesn’t work out. Can’t you see what I’m risking by even admitting my feelings for you?”
“I understand that you’re having second thoughts,” I said, curling my hands into tight fists. “I understand that maybe this isn’t what you want.”
“Don’t fucking tell me what I want,” he said, rolling his shoulders back. “I’ve always known what I want.”
“Then maybe it is me,” I said, refusing to back down. “‘Cause I don’t know exactly what I want and I never have.”
He stared at me, his steely expression impossible to read.
“I don’t know what I want to do with my life, with my feelings for you, with the fact that-”
“Yeah, poor you. I feel really bad about the tough time you’re having with all the opportunities and love you’ve been burdened with your whole life.”
“What?!” I was seething so hard I could barely speak. “Are you serious?”
He shrugged.
“Piper told me you were like this.” I shook my head. “I remember now. You used to always do this during fights. Throw it in her face how good she had it. Say she didn’t know what it was like to feel real pain and rejection.”
Logan crossed his arms.
“But she did know. In fact, she still knows what it’s like to feel those things. And so do I.” I could feel myself puffing up like an angry ape, growing more determined by the minute to make him hear me. “Believe it or not, you’re not the only one suffering from the fucking human condition.”
His jaw flexed.
“And you know what else?” I asked, waving my hands in the air. “I told her, okay? I fucking told her about us. So don’t tell me you’re the only one who’s risking anything.”
He grabbed my wrist. “What did you tell her?”
I pulled my hand away and stared at him through eyes that wouldn’t stop watering. “What do you care? Are you worried I made you look bad? Worried she might be hurt?”
“No,” he said, his voice softer than before. “I’m worried about whether you’re okay.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, but my expression collapsed under the weight of my tears.
He fixed his eyes on mine. “What did you tell her?”
“I told her I was falling in love with you.”
His face fell and for a moment he just stared at me.
I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t swim. Not that I was even in water, but it felt like it. Like I was stuck in a rip current I couldn’t fight that was sweeping me into the blue.
“I’m falling in love with you, too.”
I gasped for breath.
Neither of us moved. We just stood there, as if the walls around us were crumbling at our feet.
“Really?” I asked, wiping my eyes.
He nodded. “Really.”
I threw my arms around him, and he hugged me back a little too tight, just like I wanted. Like I needed. The thought even occurred to me that I might never need anything else if he would only be there, ready to hold me, ready to make me feel held. Happy. Safe.
“I’m sorry about this morning,” I said. “I panicked instead of-”
“Shhh,” he said, smoothing my hair down. “It doesn’t matter.”
I curled my head towards his neck and inhaled, the scent of sawdust and soap filling my nose.
“Can you forgive me for acting like a jerk?”
“Of course,” I said. “As long as it will never happen again.”
He laughed, and the rumble in his chest warmed my body. “I’ll do my best.”
I leaned back to look at him. “Your best would be perfect.”
He pushed some hair out of my face.
“She was happy for us, by the way.” My eyes bounced between his. “I know you didn’t ask, but she was happy for us.”
“So am I,” he said, beaming at me with a renewed confidence that put the last scraps of my worries to rest.
I smiled.
He smiled back.
I rose onto my tippy toes and kissed him until my heart felt light. “Please don’t doubt my feelings for you,” I whispered against his lips as I pulled the hair at the back of his head.
“I’ll try not to,” he said. “Though this whole thing seems too good to be true.”
I squeezed my cheek against his so his breath was warm against my ear.
“Then again, you always have been.”
Warmth spread through my chest. “I started taking the pill.”
“What?” he asked, leaning back abruptly.
“Did you really not hear me?”
“I heard you,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “I just… wow, I don’t know. I guess I’m surprised you didn’t talk to me first.”
“What is there to talk about?” I said. “Considering what you went through with Piper, I thought you’d be happy.”
“I am,” he said, his eyes smiling. “I am.”
“So…” I dug the toe of my boot into the floor. “Do you want to hang out tonight or what?”
Pain flashed across his face before he spoke. “I can’t.” He glanced at his book. “If I was even a little prepared for this test I would, but I-”
“I understand,” I said, feeling a little deflated even though his commitment to his education was always something I admired in him. “Maybe tomorrow?” I asked. “After your test?”
He shook his
head. “I have plans.”
“What plans?”
“To go see your dad.”
My stomach dropped. “My dad?”
“He wants to start selling my pieces in his store.”
“What? That’s fantastic!”
“I know,” he said, scratching the back of his head. “Hopefully he’ll still want to after I tell him about us.”
My neck popped forward. “What? Why would you do that?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” he asked. “Don’t you feel better now that Piper knows?”
I nodded. “Of course.”
“So let me do this for us. Let me talk to him.”
“Logan-”
“Please, Zo.”
“Don’t you think he’d rather hear it from me?”
“Absolutely not,” he said. “This is something I have to do.”
“And what if he’s not okay with it?” I asked. “Have you thought about that?”
“Of course I have.”
“And?”
“If he can’t be happy for us, at least we’ll know where we stand.”
“But-”
“It’s better this way, trust me. I’ll say I haven’t told you how I feel yet. That way, you won’t have to talk to him about it if you don’t want to or if you change your mind.”
“I’m not going to change my mind,” I said. “I don’t even care what he thinks.”
He cocked his head. “C’mon, Zo. We both know that’s not true.”
I looked at the floor.
“And I care what he thinks, too,” he said. “Your dad showed me respect before I had any respect for myself. I owe it to him to be a man about this.”
I took a deep breath.
He reached forward and lifted my chin with his fingers. “I got this,” he said. “Trust me.”
I exhaled through my lips as my body tingled with anxiety.
“And no matter what happens,” he said. “You got me.”
F O R T Y T W O
- Logan -
I could barely sit still as Mr. Petersen studied the price list I put together.
“Are all these pieces ready?” he asked.
I pointed to the right column of the stapled page. “The ones on this side are already in your shop,” I said, dragging my finger to the left. “These are the pieces I have on campus.”