by Tanith Frost
I want to bask in this for a minute, but I can’t ignore his last comment. And I can’t help thinking of dark vials and soundproof feeding chambers, of crushed consciences and quick acceptance. “Like Trixie?”
His jaw muscles tighten. “She’s one of them, yes. She’s doing just as well as her pre-death assessments indicated she would. She’s finished her training, really. She has a lot to learn, but that will all come with experience. She’s ready. She knows it, I know it. She’s everything a vampire is supposed to be. She’s settled into this existence like she never knew any other, and she has the skills to make her way high in our society. If she wants to hunt rogues, I suspect she’ll be quite good at it.”
I can’t help the envy that twists my stomach. I have mysterious potential. She has everything. “So why did you tell her we’re not ready? Did you include her in that statement to spare my feelings?”
“Aviva, have I ever done anything to spare your feelings?”
I snort. “Not that I’m aware of.”
He looks uncomfortable for a moment, and then his expression shifts back to neutral. Unreadable. “I’m reluctant to let Trixie loose, so I hold on to both of you. There’s just… something. It’s as ineffable as whatever quality drew me to you, but completely different.”
Silence follows, growing uncomfortable as the seconds pass.
“Trixie’s great,” I say, more to break the silence than anything. “She’s not a monster or anything, if that’s what you’re thinking. I mean, not more than you or I. I’m not exactly comfortable with her wanting to taste pain and fear, but she’s allowed to do that if the stock are willing, right? She’s not doing anything wrong.”
But that’s a technicality. I want to defend her, but calling her behaviour anything close to right leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Yes, the humans consent to it, but they do it to get the poison they’re addicted to. Most of them don’t want the type of terror and pain we offer in our little vials. Vampires like Trixie prey on the weak, the used up, the desperate, the ones who will do anything for their fix. Everyone’s getting what they want in the end, but…
Daniel has been watching as I think it through. He’s promised he can’t see our thoughts, but mine are likely written all over my face. “It’s complicated, isn’t it?” He drums his fingers against the stone wall. “But you’re correct. My assessment should have nothing to do with her preferences. Even the people she hurts have it better than they would in other times or places. But it occasionally concerns me how quickly she developed her tastes.”
“It’s not wrong, but it’s not right,” I say softly.
He frowns. “Something like that, but you might want to consider breaking the habit of thinking in those human terms.”
I don’t have an answer for that. I may have mostly accepted what I am, and figured out that what I once thought of as my spiritual place in the universe is no longer even a theoretical possibility… but I’m not prepared to walk away from all of my human morality just because I now belong to darkness, if I belong to anything at all.
“I’m keeping an eye on Trixie,” Daniel says. “But I can’t do it forever. It’s unfair to her, anyway. As you rightly said, she’s… great. She will live as she wishes within the laws of our society.”
I have nothing to say to that. Trixie is my friend. My only friend, really. Daniel is too much of an authority figure for me to think of him that way, no matter how nice he’s being to me right now. Definitely not someone I can go to with my personal problems. I tell him anything that’s relevant to my training, but it’s Trixie who I hang around with, who I share my space with, who I laugh so hard with that we snort drinks out of our noses. Talking about her this way feels like a betrayal.
“But I didn’t come here to talk to you about Trixie,” Daniel says. “What I wanted to say is that I think you might consider forgetting your focus on detachment from the living, at least for the time being. Accept who you are right now and let yourself move forward on other fronts. Seek the great potential I see in you.”
I almost feel like I’m blushing. “Let myself be a shitty vampire in some ways so I can become better in others?”
Daniel tilts his chin upward, biting back a smile. “That’s one way of looking at it, if you’re going to insist on that ridiculous humility that clings to you so unflatteringly.”
Can I do that? All he’s suggesting is that I accept this amazing thing that I am, embracing my power without letting its darker implications hold me back. I was human once, and still hold those emotions and memories, but I’m so much more now. I know that, and feel it to my very core when I feed. Can I embrace that if it means I don’t have to lose myself?
I nod. “Let’s see if just thinking that way makes any difference. Give me a minute, then sneak up on me.”
He rolls his eyes. “Not sure whether it counts if you know I’m coming. Close your eyes. I may or may not be back.”
He stands and drops off the edge of the tower like it was a low garden wall. A loud thwack echoes out as his shoes hit the ground, but any movements that follow are silent. I close my eyes and scent the night air, trying to catch a hint of him, but all I get is the salty air of this place that’s starting to feel like home. My body is perfectly still, without even a heartbeat to distract my ears. The sounds of the city drift across the harbour.
I have no idea where Daniel might be until I hear the sharp rap of a knuckle against a car window. “Leave room for the Holy Spirit, children,” he warns.
I giggle. I’d nearly forgotten about the teenagers below.
So that places Daniel a short jog down a slight slope to my right, downwind. I won’t hear or smell him.
I climb up to the top of the tower and turn my focus inward, ignoring the senses I rely too heavily on. I am more than them. I feel for Daniel with a part of me that runs deeper than my physical being—a part that exists within the black core of my new nature. I let the darkness wash over me. I am still Aviva. I am still me. And I am more. I let my awareness flow out of me.
And I feel something. A dark flame flickering in the night. Daniel.
As soon as I feel it, he’s gone. But it was there.
Fine. If he’s going to play tricks, I’ll use the ones he’s taught me. In the past, he’s asked me to play with the idea of sensing intentions rather than presences. It’s still difficult, especially with someone like Daniel who often seems not to possess them. I’ve never had much luck with it, myself, but I’m willing to give it another try.
Instead of searching for my trainer himself, I search for the part of him that wants to harm me. And instead of the desperate, wild seeking that I usually manage, I start my search from a deeper place. A calmer one. A place that feels ancient, though it’s the newest part of me, and powerful enough that I have been terrified of losing myself in it.
But I won’t be lost. I won’t be changed.
There.
Malicious intent approaches, climbing the wall behind me, clearer than I’ve ever felt anything from another vampire. A hot red desire to see me defeated, torn down, begging for mercy.
Not this time. When he strikes out, I’m ready. I tuck into a tight roll and spring back to my feet just before I go over the edge. He doesn’t pursue, and the malice fades. He’s pleased, but I lose my sense of that when I open my eyes.
I press my lips together, holding back my excitement. This shouldn’t be a huge deal, but for me it is. I’ve never accessed my power like this. Never felt anything beyond my senses so clearly.
“Good,” he says. “Too easy, but good.”
That’s about as open as Daniel ever gets with praise during training, so I’m satisfied. “You’re right, too easy,” I say, flipping my hair back and resting a hand on my hip. “It would be far more challenging if I had a trainer who didn’t actually want to maim and destroy me.”
He smirks. “Aww. Does that hurt your feelings? Chin up. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and all of that.”
�
��Well, Daniel, I’m already dead. Does that make me invincible, or hopelessly weak?”
“Moot point. Let’s do it again. I’ll make it harder for you.”
I chuckle at the unintentional innuendo, and he shoots me a dark glower.
I position myself in the centre of the roof, and he disappears completely. I can’t catch a flicker of him, not even the slightest hint of his irritation.
He’s not going to go easy on me. The thought is thrilling, in a strange way. The fact that he’s willing to hurt me means he knows I’m strong enough to handle it. I retreat deeper into my darkest heart, waiting for what I felt before. Even if he changes his plan of attack, his intention will feel the same, and even if he’s more careful to mask it, I should sense something. Whether he plans to kick, punch, grab me by my hair, throw me over—
Cold lips press against mine, and iron-strong arms pull my shocked body close. Long fingers tangle in my hair.
My mind explodes in confusion. I should pull away, fight him off, but my body betrays me completely. My mouth opens under his, and the most incredible energy washes over me as I rise up on my toes and push myself harder against him. It’s not like the feeling I get from feeding, but another kind of awakening entirely. His venom gives his tongue a sharp flavour that sends desire coursing through me like I haven’t experienced since I was alive, lighting me up from within. The world around us stops moving.
And then he’s gone, pulling back, leaving me to stumble forward into the space where he stood a moment ago.
He’s got a cocky grin plastered across his face as he runs his tongue over his fangs. “Your methods are flawed, dear student. I told you that you assume too much about me.”
“That wasn’t fair!” It’s all I can do not to stomp my foot in a childish fit of confusion and anger. “And pointless for training. No one who wants to hurt me is going to sneak up and kiss me.”
“No?” I barely dodge a kick that would have sent me over the edge of the tower again. “Well, there’s your lesson for tonight.”
“What? Expect the unexpected? That’s original.” Am I sulking? I hope not.
“No. But be open to possibilities outside of your expectations, and look outside of what I’ve taught you.” He thinks for a moment, studying me as his smile fades. “And know that if you give away your methods and your gifts, you invite enemies to find ways around them. I shouldn’t have known how you sensed me. You’re too trusting. Does that lesson suit you better?”
Absolutely nothing suits me better right now, and nothing will until I have time alone to smooth my ruffled feathers. I’m still trying to pick bits of my shattered mind out of the air they’re floating in. I can’t let him see that, though. Maybe he knows anyway. Of course, he seems fine. Cool and unaffected by whatever he tasted in me.
Well, fuck him. Fuck him and his stupid gorgeous body and his ridiculously good kiss.
I straighten my jacket. “That’s fine, thank you. Was there anything else?”
He shoves his hands in his pockets and gives me a slow smile. “No, that should do for tonight. You want to go home?”
“Please.”
We don’t speak on the drive back. At first Daniel seems pleased to have gotten to me, but then I get the feeling he wants to ask whether I’m angry.
I don’t reassure him. Let him be confused for a while. Misery loves company.
10
Trixie shrieks as she flies off the edge of the concrete bunker and lets out a loud “oof” as she hits the gun platform below.
She giggles. “Viva! Look at you!”
I can’t help the wide grin that spreads across my face, even as Daniel shoots Trixie a dark look for her delight over her own defeat. We’re supposed to be acting like this is actual combat, testing my improved perceptions on a dark night at Cape Spear. We’re taking it seriously, but Daniel must be out of his mind if he expects us to take all of this in stride.
We’re dead, after all, not dead.
It’s only been a few days since my last training session with Daniel, but I’ve come far thanks to his permission to stop trying so damn hard. Not that I don’t still have a long way to go, but I’m feeling it. I’m digging deep, accessing a part of myself I was only aware of in the vaguest terms. I’m finding strength that goes deeper than my muscles, sensing things I wouldn’t have noticed a week ago. I’m more than a match for Daniel’s star student now.
If only I could tell her why. That part still hurts. Daniel’s hinted that I should keep anything relating to my feelings toward the living to myself. He hasn’t come right out and said it, but I’ve figured out that to let on I still care about them could be more than social suicide. Daniel didn’t just shut me down at that crime scene because he was embarrassed. He was protecting me.
Vampire culture is built not just on rules, but on appearances, unwritten expectations, and above all, a strict separation from our prey. We can partake of their culture as long as it doesn’t affect us. We can avail ourselves of their technology, as long as it doesn’t harm us or complicate our separation. We can go to the movies or watch TV if we don’t find wearing eye protection too annoying; we can read their books and listen to their music. But we cannot interact with them on a personal level, and we cannot care.
To disobey the unwritten rules of the clan would be to make myself a danger to it. Not in the same way as the rogues are, but…
But I need to watch my ass. Trixie knows I’ve made strides in connecting with my vampiric nature, but she thinks it’s because I’ve taken her advice to heart.
I take a deep breath of the air whipping in from off the ocean, relishing the strength that flows through my aching muscles even as I ignore Daniel’s searching glance.
I’ve been ignoring those since the night he kissed me.
I feel like a goddess, and I haven’t even fed tonight. This is what it’s supposed to be like. My old life is over, but I am still here. I feed on the living, but I was re-born into a world where we don’t have to kill, where we protect our stock. And if our motivations for doing so are selfish, well… maybe doing the right thing for the wrong reasons isn’t so bad. Maybe being a vampire isn’t the worst fate.
I end that train of thought before it enters the deep tunnel that takes me back to the little white church.
That severed spiritual connection is a deep wound, but one I finally feel might heal in time. Becoming a vampire wasn’t my choice, but no angel swooped in to save me from this fate. And tonight, with the wonder of my new being coursing through me, with the cliffs and lighthouse and white picket fences that surround me picked out in stark relief even in the dark, with the stars spilling over me like a glittering blanket that I could wrap around myself if I cared to reach out and embrace it, I feel whole for the first time. Complete in myself and my nighttime world.
The light doesn’t want me now. Perhaps it is time to embrace the darkness. I can live in this world without hurting anyone. I can hunt those who do, help protect the living for my own reasons. No one needs to know what those are.
A double life isn’t ideal, but for now, it’s better than nothing.
I’m about to jump down to help Trixie up when Daniel approaches. “You’re doing well.”
“Thank you. I’m feeling better about a lot of things.”
“Good. About the other—”
His phone rings, cutting him off. He seems about to ignore it, then frowns and flips it open. “Yes?”
He wanders away, not motioning for me to wait for him, but I do. Trixie walks up the side of the grassy hill to stand with me.
“What’s up with you two?” she asks. “Everything’s been weird since you had your breakthrough. He’s not giving you shit for something, is he?”
“No. It’s fine.”
It is fine. It’s not like I’ve been thinking about his kiss the way I usually think about blood. Or like I’m suddenly considering what he’d be like in bed. I haven’t cared much about sex since I died—not as a separate thing from th
e pure joy of feeding, at least. But now I’m wondering whether a guy with no pulse can get it up, whether he fucks like he fights.
I need to get over this. Vampires don’t have relationships. Alliances, yes. Friendships, yeah… as long as they don’t get too mushy or require unrepayable sacrifice. But not romance. And I feel too close to human to trust myself not to get swoony if I let myself want him too badly.
“Viva?”
“It’s fine, Trixie. We talked about some hard stuff, we trained, I had a breakthrough. Maybe it’s just weird because I’m starting to feel like it would be okay to not train under him anymore.”
She purses her lips and nods. “That’s fair. I was starting to wonder whether you might be wanting to do other things under him.”
Daniel is back before I can formulate a response to that. He frowns at us.
“You don’t have to come out for this one.”
Trixie perks up. “Another body?”
“Yes, but not connected to the rogues. One of our stock. Miranda just wants me to check it over to make sure it’s nothing that will be traced back to us.”
My stomach plummets, but I don’t offer a comment. Instead I ask, “How did they die?”
“That’s one of the questions we need to answer before we release her to human authorities. You two keep working here. I’ll be back to pick you up soon.”
But he doesn’t object when we follow him back to the car.
The drive down the long, winding road back to town would be peaceful if I wasn’t feeling my old anxieties creeping back. It’s fine. People die. That’s the only guarantee in life, isn’t it? Our stock aren’t exempt. And this will be a good time to test my reaction to a body now that I’m not fighting with myself. I don’t have to deny my reactions. Just hide them.