by Tanith Frost
I really am sorry I pushed him away when we finally made progress.
“It was the kiss, yeah. I just…” Something tugs at my cold, still heart. I’m more nervous now than I was heading to that crime scene in Kilbride. “It confused me. I tried not to look at you that way, you know? You’re like a teacher, and I’m a good student.”
The corners of his eyes crinkle as he holds back a smile. “You are that. So you think it was wrong of me to offer that lesson?”
“No. I mean, I still say it was a dirty trick, but I… And you were…” My thoughts are as flustered as they were that night, ready to blow away on the breeze coming in through the half-open window. I clear my throat to give myself a second to pull them together. “Anyway, I didn’t want to tell you that you got to me. Didn’t want to give you the satisfaction. But I guess it was obvious.”
He raises an eyebrow and lets that smile loose. I shift uncomfortably on my hard seat as he steps closer again. “Your response was most gratifying in the moment.” The smile fades. “I did question the decision after, a hundred times. I didn’t mean to confuse you or push you away.” He reaches over to close the window, then pushes his hair back with one hand and lets the strands fall over his eyes. “I can’t train you anymore, Aviva. We’re done.”
“What? Daniel, no. I still respect you, I swear. Nothing has changed.” He can’t kick me out. “I admit that since that night I’ve had thoughts I shouldn’t, and that’s your fault. But it will be fine. I can control myself. Nothing has to change.”
He takes another step closer and rests his hands on the counter on either side of me. “I hope that’s not true.”
He’s close enough that the scent of his skin fills me even if I’m not breathing him in. So unlike a living man. Stronger. Darker. Colder. I grip the edge of the counter hard enough that I feel like the Formica might snap in my grasp, not sure why I feel like I have to fight the desire that washes over me in warm waves. Maybe it’s because I paid a high price for this desire when I was alive, when my questions and my needs ended with me being outcast from my group of friends in a little white church when I needed them the most.
I’m not going to think about my old life. Daniel was right. The rights and wrongs of the living aren’t mine now. Not here. Not tonight. If Daniel wants me and I want him, that’s all there is.
We answer to no one.
He leans in. “Say I’m not your trainer anymore.”
The silence stretches out between us, delicious tension that I want to shatter into a million pieces. I don’t move. I can’t. But I can speak.
“You’re not my trainer anym—”
Daniel’s mouth cuts off my words, pressing harder than the other night, forcing my lips against my teeth. I draw a sharp breath as he pulls back, leaving a hair’s breadth of space between us.
My move.
I don’t hesitate now, reaching for the front of his shirt to pull his body against mine, running my hands over the hard curves and planes hidden beneath the cloth as our lips meet again. His tongue traces my lower lip and I relax my jaw, inviting him in. He tastes as sharp and poisonous as he did before, but now I have time to luxuriate in the sensation of his venom waking me up.
This isn’t the same as the lust I felt when I was alive. This is darker, purer, flawless as a perfect diamond and just as sharp. The temperature of his body matches my own, eliminating the reminder of how other I am.
He twists his right hand through the hair above my neck, tilting my face fully toward his, and I willingly relax in his grip. It’s been too long since I was kissed by anyone whose strength was more than a match for mine. There’s a part of me that wants to fight him, to test him, but not yet.
This is too perfect.
I wrap my legs tight around his waist as he pulls my hips closer with his left arm, forcing me off balance. The fingers that were tangled in my hair trail down my throat, over my collarbone, and trace a circle around the outer curve of my left breast. I groan and twist, trying to catch his touch more fully, and he laughs as he pulls his face away from mine to trail his lips and tongue over my throat.
He’s moving slowly, with a patience he’s developed over a century of life and death, though it’s now quite obvious that he could, in fact, just take me if he wanted to. If only I had the same experience to draw on. My impatience is almost as strong as the desire that burns hot as a furnace through my core. His cool touch is somehow melting me, and he hasn’t so much as slipped a hand up my shirt. Every flicker of his tongue over my skin pushes me closer to throwing him to the floor and tearing his clothes off.
And then he bites me.
Just a nip on my collarbone, a faint spike of pain followed by the caress of his lips. Enough to break my skin, to introduce his venom to my blood. The pleasure of it spreads slowly, fading in seconds, and I finally understand what keeps the living coming back to our little club.
“More,” I whisper, and pull his face up to mine again. I bite his lower lip, and a low growl rises in his throat.
He grabs my wrist, forcing my hand against the surface of the cupboard behind me. He watches me for a moment, leans in and inhales deeply. “We shouldn’t be doing this,” he murmurs into my ear. “But I swear by the void, you’re the most delicious thing I’ve ever set eyes on.”
I don’t ask why we shouldn’t. If this is wrong, I don’t want to know it. I just want him. I want his body, his pain, his poison. Everything.
I break free of his grasp and wrap my arms around his neck. I don’t have the words to tell him that no one has ever made me feel as alive as I do at this moment. Heartbeat or no, something brighter and wilder than the divine spark that once filled me flows through my veins. I want to pull back, to look at him and feast on the perfect lines of his jaw, to lose myself in his eyes, but I can’t. The need to feel him is too strong.
He lifts me from the counter and carries me out of the kitchen and up the stairs as though my muscular frame weighs nothing. By the time we reach the landing, I’ve got his shirt open. I shove it back off his shoulders and let one hand roam over his pale skin as the other holds me close to him.
He’s about to make the turn to go up the next flight when I tug on his arm, directing him to my room.
“Too far,” I whisper, and bite his earlobe.
He doesn’t argue.
It’s still technically dark outside, but dawn is threatening. The faint, murky light that shows between my half-opened curtains is more than enough to bring out all of the details in the room, but all I can see is Daniel. He fills my senses, and I feel his desire reflecting my own, doubling it the way a mirror near a window will make a room brighter. He’s not shielding himself, and for the first time the full force of his dark, raw power becomes real to me.
If Trixie had ever sensed this, she wouldn’t have had the nerve to talk back to him. My mouth goes dry and my chest tightens. I’m afraid of him. I’d be a fool not to be. But it changes nothing.
Daniel and I drop to the bed together. He catches himself on his hands before he crushes me, but the distance between our bodies remains constant, pressed together at the hips, room enough between our upper bodies for our hands to move. I can’t decide whether I want to focus on the sensations of him touching me or the gorgeous feel of his body under my own hands. It’s overwhelming, every bit of it.
He tugs at the bottom of my top, and I arch my back so he can pull it over my head, revealing my bare skin beneath. He groans softly and kisses me again as one hand cups my breast, his thumb finally grazing my nipple and sending a lightning bolt of pleasure directly between my thighs.
One hand. He’s using the other to support himself. I need more. I push his shoulder hard enough that he gets the message, and we roll together to trade positions. I straddle his hips, grinding against him, frustrated by how much clothing we’re still wearing and yet revelling in the delay. We only get this delicious first-time torture once. I know I should draw it out, but his hands are now freely exploring my body, and
his expert touch combined with the seductive weight of his power is driving me mad.
He judges my reactions, adjusting his touch to every shift and moan, offering me pleasure I couldn’t have imagined with a living man. It’s perfect.
I don’t want perfect. I want the Daniel I know, the one who’s bruised me and broken me. The one I need to see made weak by his desire for me.
I lean forward, brushing my tits over his gorgeous chest, and sink my fangs deep into his shoulder.
Vampire blood is weak, and I won’t get any energy from him. But I get what I want. He gasps, then snarls and rolls over, pinning me under him. My fangs tear long, jagged stripes in his flesh as he arches away from me, and pale blood flows down over his chest.
He leans in close again, pressing his own fangs dangerously close to my throat, then brushes his lips against my ear. “Is that how it’s going to be, then?”
My heart’s not beating, but I feel it—the rush of fear washing over my skin, the high tension in my chest. I’m playing with fire, and it’s so fucking hot I can’t stand it. I want to be able to use my body in ways I can’t with fragile living men. I want to fight with Daniel and bring the battle to the conclusion I now understand I’ve always wanted.
I dig my nails into his back and move my hips beneath him. He’s impossibly hard.
“Just fuck me.” It’s hoarse, but I’ve found my voice at last.
He stands and undoes his belt.
Beauty is a nearly worthless currency among vampires, and I’ve been around them long enough that I should be numb to it by now. Daniel, however, is something different tonight. Every curve of muscle stands out in the pre-dawn light, every perfect inch visible as he drops his trousers to the floor and steps toward the bed. His hair falls forward again, shadowing his eyes as a devilish grin reveals fangs I’d kill to feel piercing my skin again.
I’m glad I never let myself imagine this moment before. I never would have got it right.
He bends toward me for long enough to grab my pants and pull them off in one smooth motion, then drops on top of me again, one knee pressing against my inner thigh, pushing my legs open. I’m not going to fight him on that. I ache for him, and it’s all I can do to keep from screaming at him to take me.
My senses are as strong as they’ve ever been, yet everything is a blur. Daniel is touching me, kissing my body, exploring, and every sensation weaves itself into a web of pure pleasure and lust. I’m trying to keep up, running my hands over his body, tearing at him with my nails when he sinks his fangs into the skin below my collarbone, sending another pulse of poison into me.
I wrap my legs around the backs of his thighs, urging him closer. He positions himself over me, and I shudder hard as he slides in.
It was never this good when I was alive. Never this pure. Never this free of guilt and consequence.
Our bodies grow warmer as we move together. I want to draw this out, but I’ve lost any chance at self-control. Pleasure washes over me in waves, and I’m falling into a sea of sunlight that goes on forever. I try to keep my cries quiet enough that the neighbours won’t call the cops, but it’s a battle I can’t win. Daniel buries his face against my neck and groans, shuddering against me, pushing deeper and harder as he reaches the height of his own pleasure, urging me over the edge with him.
And then everything is still save for the quaking of our muscles as we lie tangled up with each other. After a moment, Daniel rolls over, pulling me with him, unwilling to let go.
That’s fine by me. I could lie with him forever, world be damned.
And this, I realize, is the danger of what we’ve just done.
12
We may have spent the day in bed, but we sure as hell didn’t get much sleeping done.
“So let me just make sure I have this a hundred percent right,” I say, trailing my nails gently over Daniel’s chest and down his stomach. He shivers. “We can fuck as much as we want, but no icky relationship stuff? No goopy-schmoopy valentines? No declarations of undying—”
He flips me on my back and plants a deep kiss on me that curls my toes. I had no idea that was a thing that could actually happen. “None of that.” He stretches out on his side, bedsheet draped over his waist just low enough to tease. Not that I haven’t spent the day exploring what’s under there, but I could go for another look. “You knew this.”
It’s almost a question. “I did.” I lean in and nip his shoulder gently. “I was asking for a friend.”
“Hmm.”
“But why?” Before he can answer, I say, “Not that it’s a problem. I mean, you’re a good lay and all, but hardly marriage material. I’m just curious.”
His mouth quirks sideways. “That’s a relief.” He thinks for a minute, staring up at the ceiling. “I think you know the simple answer. And I don’t think you really want more than that.”
The simple answer is that we’re not meant to form alliances. It’s every vampire for him- or herself in our world, even within our strict cooperative social structure. We have our hierarchy. We respect the elders and obey them. We have social relationships. Even friendships. But nothing deep enough that we might be tempted to do anything stupid in the name of affection or loyalty. Ideally, at least.
And I’ve never heard of vampires in a romantic relationship. I’m guessing there’s more sex than I ever suspected, but maybe we grow out of that need in time, too.
There’s more, though. There’s that thing Daniel has hinted at when he’s suggested I leave my past as far behind me as I can.
He looks at me, brow furrowed with concern. “You’re still so close to everything we leave behind. And I…” He reaches out and tucks a loose lock of my hair behind my ear. “I find that appealing. That may be why I haven’t been forcing you forward, and perhaps that’s unfair to you.”
A chill flashes over my bare skin. “I’m ready. I think, in a weird way, being allowed to acknowledge my connection to all of that has helped me understand what it means to be a vampire. The darkness inside of me…” I chew my lip as I pull my thoughts together. “That’s what we have instead of life, isn’t it?”
He nods. “It’s not such a bad thing, right?”
“But?”
His fingers brush over my brow and trail down my face, skimming my eyelashes and my lips. Soft, like the touch of a fairy’s wings. So unlike the Daniel I saw early this morning. “But, dear Aviva. To crave love or anything like it is to chase something that you and I are no longer a part of. When you changed, the light rejected you. Daylight burns you. If you were to enter a church or a mosque or a temple, you would grow weak and feel its atmosphere crushing you to dust.”
“God is love,” I whisper, parroting back the Sunday school lesson I clung to when His people rejected me. Even when I left the church, I held onto that. I was still His. Still loved.
Daniel cups my jaw in his hand, lifting my face so I look at him. “That’s a simple human way of looking at it. You were deep in the light when you lived, Aviva. That’s why you never should have been chosen for this. It makes the transition too hard. But you need to understand this. We are creatures of the void.”
I force a smile. “Not children of the spiky-tailed devil?”
He snorts. “No. But we do belong to darkness, to chaos. To violence. Long ago our elders decided to take control of what they were, to alter our place in the world for our own benefit. But as you saw last night in that apartment, we still affect the world of light. We still bring chaos even when we attempt to remain neutral. To try to be otherwise only brings pain. And not the good kind.”
My chest tightens. I knew all of this on some level, but hearing it laid out like this hurts. I lost so much more than my heartbeat when that gun went off.
“What would happen if we tried? I mean, not we.” I rub my hand over the solid reality of his upper arm to ground myself. “Not you and me. But what if a vampire tried to hold on to the light? Made friends, say with a human, if the vampires wouldn’t…” I trail off.
Daniel clenches his teeth, tightening the muscles of his jaw. “That would unquestionably make that vampire a danger to her species. It would make her a security threat, and it would make a mockery of what we are. A vampire like that would be unsuited to her society, and she would no doubt find herself outcast.”
I lick my lips, but my mouth has gone so dry from hearing that last word that it does me no good. No more clubs. No more approved feedings. There would be no choice but to go rogue, be hunted, and face death.
Or to go into true isolation, I suppose, living a nomadic life, feeding when possible, and hoping not to cause enough of a stir to threaten our secrecy and bring the hunters down. There’s only one punishment for those who become a threat to our world.
I shudder. I might prefer execution over slow starvation if I didn’t know there was nothing for us after. No hell. No heaven. No reincarnation. Nothing.
It does make following the rules and continuing an unlife of glorious feeding and fucking and star-filled night gazing rather appealing.
“I understand. I was just asking.” It hurts. It’s not like I expected to find a great romance after death, but the knowledge that I’ll never truly find the deep, selfless affection I once craved cuts me deep.
“Just remember that you’re here.” His touch becomes more firm as it traces the curves of my body. “You’ve lost a lot, but the darkness gives more if we allow it. Strength. Speed. Perception. The glory of the night over the glare of the sun.” He places a teasing kiss on my shoulder. “The miracle of our bodies obeying our commands with no heartbeat to sustain them. The void is not nothing. It is the mirror of what you once had, but deeper.”
I frown at him. “Keep talking.”
He smiles. “You’ve grazed the surface of it these past few days, but there’s so much more. Imagine that the void, the darkness you feel within you, is a vast ocean reflecting the stars. It’s cold and mysterious in ways that the airy world above will never understand.” His accent has grown thick. Unguarded. “There are dangers in the depths, and wonders. You’re playing in the shallows now. I’m hardly any deeper. But I know there’s more.”