by Nikki Ash
“If the roles were reversed, you would’ve done the same for me.” I shrug. “I can’t even imagine having been the one to find her. I miss her every day and hate that I stayed away for so long,” I admit.
Cole nods in understanding. “How long are we staying here for?”
“As long as you want. I don’t need to get back for training camp until September.”
Cole nods again. We eat the rest of our meal in silence, and when we’re done, Cole grabs both of our plates and washes the dishes while I get Zoey’s diaper bag ready for our nightly walk.
“Where are you going?” Cole asks, walking into the foyer. Has he really been so out of it he didn’t notice that I leave every night with Zoey for a walk?
“I’ve been taking Zoey for a walk every night when the sun goes down.” I pop the stroller open and, plucking Zoey out of her swing, place her into the stroller and buckle her in. “Do you want to go?”
“Umm...yeah, sure. Let me grab my shoes.”
We head in the direction of the beach. I figured out it’s only a little over a mile walk, so I’ve been making the trek to and from with Zoey every evening. When we get to the beach, Cole heads to the picnic table I usually sit at and sits on top of it. It’s an awesome view, looking out at the Atlantic Ocean.
“Do you want to feed her?” I ask Cole when Zoey starts fussing.
“Sure.” I hand him the pre-made bottle, and he takes Zoey out of her stroller. “Do you think she remembers who I am?” he asks.
“I think at her age she just knows what it feels like to be loved.”
“I hope you’re right.” He gives Zoey the bottle, and she starts sucking it down. “So, the note...” Cole starts but doesn’t finish his sentence.
“She wrote them when she started her treatment. According to Joanne, she wrote them every time she started her treatment, and once she was done, she would take them back and throw them away.”
“I won’t ask you what your note says. I know it’s between you and Delilah. But do you know why you got yours?”
I glance over at Cole. What he really wants to know is how he can get his. “Joanne said it was my coming to help you after Delilah died.” Cole nods. “You weren’t supposed to know about the note, and Joanne wouldn’t tell me how you get yours. I did ask.”
Cole finishes feeding Zoey, and we lay a blanket out on the grass for the three of us. It’s a beautiful night on the Vineyard. The ocean giving us a decent breeze to keep it from being too humid.
“Do you see those stars?” Cole says to Zoey, laying down next to her. “They were your mom’s favorite part of this world. She could look up at them for hours, patiently waiting for a shooting star to come along.” Cole looks over at me. “The world will never be the same with her gone. I don’t even think I know how to live in this world without her.” This isn’t the first time he’s said this to me, and it breaks my heart every time he says it.
“You just take it one day at a time, man, and I’ll be here every step of the way.”
“Until you go back to Houston,” he points out.
“You could always come back with me,” I say before I consider what I’m suggesting.
“Like move in with you?” he clarifies.
“Yeah, you said it yourself. You don’t want to live in the condo where she died. And I’m not sure if you’ve thought about this, but you’re jobless, so you can move anywhere you want.”
“So, we would what...live together as roommates?” Cole asks, and while I want to tell him I would like for us to be more than that, I know that’s not what he wants or needs, especially right now.
“Why not? I have three bedrooms. Mallory doesn’t live in the area, but we can hire another nanny to help out. You can get another teaching job, or just focus on Zoey.”
Cole laughs. “You gonna be my sugar daddy, Xander?” Hell yes, I would be...
“Funny,” I say dryly. I’m about to say something else when my phone rings. Pulling it out of my pocket, I see it’s my agent. “Sorry, it’s my agent. I need to take this.”
“No problem.”
chapter forty-two
Cole
My eyes are stuck on Xander while he talks to his agent. I’m not trying to overhear his conversation but I’m sitting right next to him, so it can’t be helped. But what has me staring at him, isn’t what he’s talking about but how he’s talking. He’s smiling and laughing and joking with the person on the other end of the phone call. I can’t remember the last time Xander and I joked and laughed together. I miss him and our friendship.
“So, if I sign the player extension that will make me contractually bound to Houston for the next five years?” he asks, a grin splayed across his face. “Ha! You know I can’t do that math, that’s why I have you.” He laughs. I don’t know what his agent is saying on the other end, but they’re obviously comfortable with each other, and it hits me that I want that comfort back with Xander.
“I know, but five years at twenty-five million a year is still amazing, and it means I can stay in Houston, which is where I want to be.” Holy shit! I knew Xander got paid well, but damn! While my parents left me a decent trust fund when they passed away that I received when I turned eighteen, it doesn’t even come anywhere near what Zander makes in a fucking month.
Feeling like I shouldn’t be overhearing this conversation, even though he hasn’t made an attempt to walk away himself, I stand and pick up Zoey, walking closer to the water to give Xander some space. There is a huge cluster of rocks along the shore, so I climb up onto the lowest one and sit down with her in my lap. The sky is now pitch-black with only the moon and stars providing any light.
Looking back, I see Xander is still sitting on the blanket talking to his agent, so I take this moment to have my first conversation with Delilah. It seems fitting with us being under the stars. “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to acknowledge your death,” I say, looking up to the sky, and while it should be weird that I’m technically not talking to anyone, it’s not. I’ve never, in all the years that my parents and grandma have been dead, tried to talk to them. But for some reason, being under the stars where Delilah always felt at home, it just feels right, like she’s looking down and listening.
“I’m sorry for being a shitty dad these past several weeks and not putting our little girl first. I promise that’s going to change, though. We’re going to move in with Xander, and I’m going to do everything in my power to raise our daughter to be as good of a person as you were.” I look back, and Xander is still on the phone. “I also need to apologize for something else, Delilah.” I take a deep breath and exhale. “I’m sorry for not loving you the way you deserved. You deserved so much more than I ever gave you. You deserved for someone to put you first, but instead you chose to be with me and accepted me as I was...as I am, even knowing a large part of my heart was with someone else.”
“Who was your heart with?” I turn around to find Xander standing behind me. “I didn’t know you were talking to anyone,” he says.
“I was talking to Delilah,” I admit.
“I figured. I’ve been coming here every night and doing the same thing. With the clear view of the stars, it feels like she’s here with us.” Xander climbs onto the rock next to me and sits down.
“Yeah, it does.”
“So, who has your heart?” Xander asks, not letting me off the hook.
“You,” I say before I can talk myself out of it. “You have a piece of my heart, and I have no fucking clue what to do about it. Delilah knew it, and yet she wouldn’t call me out on it. Even when I...” I pause, shocked I’m about to admit this, knowing once I do, I can never take back the words. “I called out your name while Delilah and I were having sex.” I sneak a glance over to Xander, but his face isn’t giving anything away, so I continue. “She finally had enough and broke up with me. She said she couldn’t be the reason anymore that I continued to lie to myself.” I shake my head, pissed off at how much time I let her waste being wi
th me.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Xander says. “You think you’re a bad person because she was with you all of these years instead of with her soulmate or some shit.”
“Can you blame me? Her dreams were to get married and have a family...fall in love. Instead, she settled for me because I couldn’t handle it when you walked away.”
“She didn’t settle, Cole. She loved you. Don’t you think maybe it was supposed to happen this way? What other guy would’ve been there for her like you were? You’ve been there through all three of her cancer diagnoses. Nobody else would’ve understood what she needed. Her time was limited, but she was loved and cherished, and she even had the opportunity to give birth to this amazing little girl, and was given time with her.”
“Not fucking enough.”
“No, it’s never enough, but we don’t get to decide how long we’re here for. I don’t believe for a second Delilah broke up with you because she didn’t feel loved. She broke up with you because like the selfless woman she was, she wanted you to be with the person you gave your heart to.”
“So, now we’re pretending to know what she was thinking?” I ask more harshly than Xander deserves.
“No.” Xander shakes his head. “I don’t need to pretend. She told me.”
My head whips around to look at him. “What did she say?”
“I made her promise not to bring me up. I wanted you to admit on your own how you felt about me. She hated it, but she agreed.” Now it all makes sense...her refusing to talk about Xander but saying she couldn’t be the reason I denied what I felt any longer.
“So, this whole time...she knew how I felt?”
“How we both felt,” Xander says. “How I still feel. I’ve been in love with you since...fuck, I don’t even know how long. Sometimes it feels like it’s been my entire life.”
“Then why did you leave?” I don’t get it. If he loved me so much, why the fuck would he leave for the NBA a year earlier?
“Because I knew you wouldn’t ever be with me,” he admits. “I saw how torn you were after we were together...how much guilt you felt. You wouldn’t even talk to me.” He’s right. I did feel torn and guilty. I never imagined myself being attracted to another guy, let alone falling in love with him. I was able to live in denial for years, until he wrapped his lips around my cock and sucked me dry, making me come harder than I ever had my entire life. At that point, I knew there was no denying it, so instead I ran away.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him.
“It’s alright, Cole. I’m a big boy.” Xander laughs. “I’ve accepted that we’ll never be anything more than friends.” He smiles softly. “I’m not asking you to move in as anything other than my friend and roommate. Let me help you raise Zoey like Delilah wanted. And when the day comes that you meet the woman who will help you create that dream your mom wanted for you, I’ll be right here as your friend. I shouldn’t have run three years ago, and Delilah’s death has helped me put shit into perspective. I would rather have you as a friend than not at all.”
My mom and her final words to me. Everything she wanted for me. I haven’t thought about what she said in years. Xander’s words come back to me from the night I ran into him in the hotel bar. “Looks like you’re on course for making your mom proud.” I didn’t think about it at the time when he made that comment to me.
“Xander, I...” Xander’s phone rings, halting my words.
“Shit, it’s Ciara, my publicist. Hold that thought, please,” he says, answering the call. “Hey, how’s it going?” Pause. “Yeah, enjoying the quiet, for sure.” Pause. “I’m going to be flying in next week to sign the contract, so it shouldn’t be a problem.” Another pause. “Okay, sounds good.”
Xander hangs up and says to me, “Sorry about that. There’s a charity function Ciara wants me to attend while I’m in town to sign my extension contract. I’ll only be gone for a couple days, and you can stay here. What were you about to say?” With his words, it hits me that I’m in love with an NBA player. I’ve seen him out at several functions. The gossip magazines and social media posts it all. He’s been seen out with several female models and actresses, but never once a guy. And he didn’t ask me if I wanted to go. He said I could stay here while he goes.
“Hey,” he says, breaking me out of my thoughts. “What are you thinking?”
“Those functions you go to...I always see you with women. Are you bisexual?”
Xander’s eyes go wide. “I don’t know what I am to be honest,” he admits. “I was attracted to Delilah, and being with her turned me on, but I’m also really fucking attracted to you.”
“Have you been with anyone besides us?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had the opportunity, but I just couldn’t do it.”
“Yeah, that makes sense. I don’t think there are even any players in the NBA who have openly come out.”
“A couple in the past, but that’s not why,” Xander says. “I would try to imagine being with another guy. A bartender I knew was gay and flirting with me, or some stranger I met in a club when out with some teammates, but I just wasn’t attracted to any of them. I don’t know if I’m gay or straight or bi, and I don’t see why I have to assign a label anyway. I considered being with another woman to see if I could move on, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.” He shrugs. “I know I should’ve moved on, but I just couldn’t stop wanting to be with you.”
“Xander...” I’m not even sure what to say to him. He was right with what he said earlier. For my entire life, I always imagined getting married to a woman and having a family just like my parents did. Nowhere in that dream was I with another man. I don’t know what to think or feel. While I know Delilah would be okay with me being with Xander, would my mom be? And what about Zoey? It’s bad enough she’s lost her mom, but what would it do to her to be raised by two men? One of which is in the NBA, in the spotlight for all the world to judge.
“Hey,” Xander says, “It’s okay. Like I said, I’ve accepted we can’t be anything more than friends. I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable. I just needed you to know the truth.” Xander stands. “You ready to head back?”
I want to stop him. I want to tell him I want more. I want to see what it’s like to be with him, see where things go, but I don’t say a word because I’m scared as hell. Delilah is gone, and Xander is all I have left. I can’t lose him. What if we try for more and it doesn’t work out? Then I’ll have lost them both, and I just can’t take that chance.
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
chapter forty-three
Xander
“Where’s Zoey?” Cole asks, walking out of his room in nothing but his swimsuit that’s hanging low on his hips. I try my best not to stare, but fuck, can’t he wear a shirt? His biceps are rock solid, and his abs are ripped. He’s always been fit but these last three weeks of him swimming has toned his body in a way that has my dick twitching.
“Mallory is laying her down,” I choke out. “She thinks she might be teething because she’s a tad cranky.”
“Oh, okay. I’m going to go for a swim. Want to join?” Cole asks.
“Umm...” Holy shit, this being friends thing is going to be harder than I thought.
“C’mon, I haven’t seen you work out once since we’ve been here. Don’t want to lose that multi-million dollar contract, do you? Who’s going to pay for these trips?” Cole jokes.
“Funny. Sure, let me throw on my board shorts. I’ll be right out there.” Walking down the hall, I stop to check on Zoey and find Mallory sitting in the rocking chair reading one of her novels. “Is she okay?” I ask.
“Yep, she’s asleep. I was just reading.” She holds up her book.
“I’m going to go for a swim with Cole. Let me know if you need anything.”
“Will do.” She grins, and I’m almost positive she knows how I feel about Cole, but she doesn’t say anything. It’s been nice having her around these last few wee
ks. I hope whoever we hire once we’re back in Houston is as nice and caring as she is. I’m tempted to offer to pay for her housing, so she can follow us back and continue to help care for Zoey, but she’s mentioned a couple times that she’s looking forward to her grandchildren coming home in a few months, which means we’ll have to hire someone new anyway.
I throw on my suit, grab a towel from the hall closet, and head out back. Cole is already in the water, swimming laps. I pull my shirt off and throw it onto the lounge chair then join him in the water. Cole stops mid lap and swims over to me.
“Want to race?” he suggests, waggling his eyebrows.
“What are we, ten?” I laugh.
“Afraid I’m going to beat you?” he mocks.
“Are you serious? You might’ve been swimming the last few weeks, but I’ve been working out the last several years. Have you not seen me running up and down the court during games?”
Cole rolls his eyes. “Then you should have no problem beating me.”
“Fine, what are we racing for?” I step closer to him.
“Whoever loses has to cook dinner.”
“Then I lose either way because your ass can’t cook,” I point out.
“Ha ha! What do you want to bet on?”
I think for a moment. I meant what I said about accepting we’re just friends. I know Cole has feelings for me, but I also know he’s grieving over Delilah and wants to make his mom proud. I don’t know what that means for my future, but for now, I’m respecting it. However, I would like to spend some time with him, getting to know each other again, outside of us taking care of Zoey.
“Loser pays for dinner when we go out tonight.”