by Style, Linda
She did the only thing she could. One swift kick in the groin. He went down, holding his crotch. At the same time, a swarm of officers, including the chief of police, poured into the garage, all guns on Englend.
While cuffing the captain, the arresting officer said, “William Englend, you’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent…”
Crista pushed to her feet and removed the wire she’d been wearing. When the officer finished reading Englend his Miranda rights, Crista added, “And there’s a whole long list of other charges to go along with that one. Hanover has a great singing voice.”
“SO HOW’S THE GANG SLAYER?” Pete winked at Crista as he folded himself into the chair across from her.
It was Pete’s first day back and to say she was delighted to see him was an understatement. “You know how I am. All you have to do is read the paper or listen to the six o’clock news.”
“You’re famous.”
“Infamous is more like it. Don’t remind me.”
“I hear you’re getting a commendation.”
She sighed. “Y’know, I wish they wouldn’t bother with all that stuff. I was just doing my job.”
“Sharon and I plan on being there.”
“Thanks. Bring the baby, too.”
“Maybe, if the colic’s over by then.” He flipped on his computer. “So how’d it go with your new partner? Fontanero?”
“I don’t know. He’s been the invisible man since Englend’s arrest.” It had only been a week since the big bust, but everything in the office seemed back to normal. Actually, it was better than normal. They had a new captain, Hector Salazar, a guy she’d worked with a few years ago, Pete was back and with both Englend and Hanover gone, it was a pleasant working environment.
Pete ran a big hand through his blond hair, then leaned forward to whisper, “I heard something else. I heard that you might get that transfer to Special Ops.”
Crista jerked to attention. “Where did you hear that?”
“Can’t say.”
Pete had been with the department for years and had many sources. God, she hoped he was right, but she didn’t want to get her hopes up and have them come crashing down. “I can’t imagine that happening just because I solved a case.”
“I can’t believe you,” he said, his voice rising. “You didn’t just solve a case. You took down the most notorious jail gang in Texas and uncovered police corruption. Give yourself some credit, woman.”
Crista glanced away, a tad self-conscious at the compliment. “Okay,” she said. “Now I have to get back to work.” She pulled out a new case that had come in two days ago.
It felt so good to talk to Pete. She needed a friend.
Though she’d told him most of what had happened while he was gone, she hadn’t told him about her relationship with Alex. He’d more than likely heard via the grapevine, but they didn’t talk about it.
While she’d been busy the past week, she missed Alex. She missed Sam. Every time she thought about never seeing them again, a profound grief settled on her.
She grieved over the loss of their relationship. The loss of hope. Somewhere in her unconscious, she realized, she had hoped she and Alex could work things out. Other people worked out their differences, why couldn’t they?
But she’d seen the piercing hurt and disappointment in Alex’s eyes when he’d learned about her relationship with Trini. She knew it was impossible.
She’d wanted to explain to Alex, tell him that Trini was another lifetime ago. That she was a different person then, a person who’d felt unworthy, a person who’d had to fight for every scrap of affection she’d ever received.
She wanted to tell him she wasn’t that person anymore. She was strong and confident. She believed in herself.
And in realizing that, she also realized the irony.
All her adult life she’d been running from her past, pretending it didn’t exist, when, in reality, it was her past that had shaped her life, made her who she was today.
Alex had given Crista something that would be with her for the rest of her life, something she couldn’t have found on her own. A new appreciation for her heritage. For so long, all she remembered were the reasons she’d wanted to leave it all behind. But with Alex, she’d discovered that what she’d hated was also what she loved the most.
Though tired and emotionally drained, Crista went directly to the gym after work. The workout and a double espresso revived her. Between the exercise and the caffeine, her energy level was over the top. She didn’t feel like going home, so she drove downtown again.
Maybe a little Christmas shopping would get her into the spirit of things. She had to buy presents for Diego, for Pete and Sharon and something for the new baby. And she planned on getting something for Sam, whether Alex let her see the child again or not.
She parked in the closest empty spot and started walking, not sure where she’d go first. The crisp air was scented with pine and evergreen brought in for the season. The trees on the boulevards sparkled with twinkling lights, and the city was alive with shoppers, carolers and corner Santas clanging their bells to help the poor. Decorations in red, green and gold adorned the department store windows and lined the streets. Holiday cheer graced the faces of everyone she passed. She passed families with little children awed by seeing Santas on every corner, teens kissing in doorways and even a few senior citizens holding hands, a testament that love really could last a lifetime.
Everyone loved the holidays.
And there, standing on the streets of Houston, among a sea of smiling faces, Crista felt a piercing loneliness and was overwhelmed by grief.
Everyone was gone. Even Diego was gone. He’d been spirited away into protective custody until the trial, and she was going to be spending her Christmas with Calvin.
She lifted her chin, straightened her shoulders and kept moving. Enough of that pity party. She turned and ducked into the first department store she came to.
An hour later, she came out of the store with three bags of gifts, and with her spirits buoyed, she was ready for another store. The revolving door swished behind her as she stepped outside and stood for a moment in the brisk air deciding which one to hit next.
“Crista. Crista!” a child’s voice called out.
She turned to see Sam running toward her with Alex trailing behind. Oh, Lord. Her heart wrenched as Sam threw herself into Crista’s arms.
“We were shopping,” Sam said, her voice ringing with excitement. “I bought you a present.”
Crista glanced at Alex.
“Sam bought all her presents tonight.”
“Are you coming over for Noche Buena?” Sam’s eyes lit with excitement. “You hafta come because we have presents for you. Isn’t that right, Daddy?”
The surprise on Alex’s face made Crista’s words freeze on her tongue.
“Yes, of course. We’d all like you to come,” Alex said.
She didn’t think so. Alex had probably agreed because he didn’t want to hurt his daughter’s feelings. And because he was a gentleman and didn’t want to put Crista in an awkward situation, either. “Gosh, Sam. Y’know, I think I have to work on Christmas Eve.”
Sam’s face drooped.
Seeing the child’s disappointment, Crista said, “But I’ll check my schedule, and then I’ll call your daddy and tell him. How’s that?”
Sam cheered. “You can call me, too. I answer the phone sometimes now.”
“She’s growing up too fast,” Alex said.
Crista caught his gaze and smiled. “Kids have a tendency to do that, don’t they.”
Sam stood arms akimbo and said to Alex, “I keep telling you that if you got me a sister or a brother, then you’d have another baby to take care of when I’m all growed up.”
Alex coughed. “Uh…I think we better get home now. It’s getting late and your grandmother is waiting with that cocoa.”
Sam gave Crista another hug, and they waved goodbye. A lump formed in Crista’
s throat. Tears welled as she watched the two of them head down the street. She kept watching until they disappeared around the corner and only then did she let the tears fall. Standing like a zombie, a soul-deep sob wrenched from deep inside her.
ALEX TUCKED Sam into bed, said good-night and went to the library for a drink. Seeing Crista had only reminded him of how much he missed her.
Since the shooting, his life had been turned inside out and upside down. But he’d come out of it and was even more determined to clean up the gangs in the barrio.
Taking down the TS didn’t mean that the gangs would disappear. It didn’t mean the Syndicate wouldn’t make a comeback. It was a start. That’s all. It was all he could expect.
Uncovering the corruption in Crista’s department had created a feeding frenzy among the local media, and no one was immune. Captain Englend, Hanover, the Texas Syndicate and the Houston Police Department were under fire. Even though Crista had been the one to uncover the corruption, her life had become an open book, as well.
Prior to reading those stories, Alex had already come to the conclusion that whatever had happened in Crista’s life didn’t matter. He’d fallen in love with her before he knew any of it, and, he realized, knowing it now hadn’t changed his feelings.
He’d been shocked and hurt. But now he understood her reluctance to get emotionally involved. He understood her need to help others. Her independence. But all the understanding in the world on his part didn’t change things between them. They were different, as she’d said. He had Sam to think of, and he had to be sure the decisions he made for his family were the right ones.
But seeing Crista made him want her more, and when Sam had invited her for Noche Buena, he couldn’t think of anything he’d like better. He knew from her answer though, that Crista had no intention of coming, no matter what she’d told Sam.
The next thing Alex knew, he was knocking at Crista’s door. He heard rustling inside and stood where she could see him through the security hole. With a click, the door slowly opened.
“Alex?” she said softly. “Is something wrong?”
She wore gray sweatpants and a black T-shirt with a Kung Fu logo, her hair was messy, and her eyes were pink and a little puffy. “Yes. Everything is wrong. Can I come in?”
She opened the door wider.
He went inside, slipped off his jacket and tossed it on the back of a chair. She motioned to a seat, but he was too agitated to sit. For a week now, he’d been ruminating about everything that had happened and he had to get it off his chest.
She combed a hand through her long hair, flipping it back behind her shoulders and then sat on the couch herself. When she looked up at him, the sadness in her eyes robbed him of words.
“What is it, Alex?”
“Crista…” He stuffed his hands into the front pockets of his jeans, then moved closer. “I don’t know where to start.”
She straightened her shoulders, as if to steel herself, and then said, “Why don’t you let me say a few things first.” Without waiting for his answer, she continued. “I can only imagine how shocking it was to hear about my…past, and I wish I’d been able to tell you about it first. But I didn’t and I feel you deserve an explanation.”
“No, No,” Alex said quickly. “It isn’t necessary. I came here to talk to you, not for you to explain anything.” He crossed over and slipped onto the couch beside her. “If any explanations are necessary, then it’s me who should be making them.”
A frown creased her forehead.
“Yes, I was shocked when I heard about you and that creep. It was a natural jealous response—a carryover from the stone ages or something. And yes, I was hurt and disappointed that you hadn’t felt close enough or trusted me enough to tell me about it. During this past week, I started second-guessing myself about everything. Was I stupid to think I could protect my family? Was it futile to think I could change things in the barrio? Was it unrealistic to think that two people who loved each other could make things work, no matter how different they were?”
He hesitated, not knowing how much to say, how much would be too much. “The one thing I never questioned, regardless of anything that happened recently, is how I feel about you. I was a jerk to stay away. I should have supported you through all this press garbage. I should’ve been there for you because I know the kind of person you are. I love who you are. I love your independence, your integrity and belief in your convictions. I wouldn’t want you to change for me or anyone. I still believe we can have a future together.”
Crista’s heart leaped. Could they get past their differences? Alex might believe love solved everything, but she knew better.
Searching for an escape from her horrible stepfather and her dismal, hopeless life, she’d married Trini. Somewhere in her seventeen-year-old mind she’d thought he’d love her and take her away and she’d be happy for the first time since her father died.
But Trini hadn’t loved her, and no man after him had ever really loved her. After a while she learned it was easier not to get involved. Opening her heart was a recipe for disaster and love was a synonym for pain.
“It still won’t work, Alex. You need someone who can be there for you. For you and Samantha. I’m not that person. I couldn’t leave my job and you couldn’t live with a wife whose life is in danger every time she goes out the door to work. You couldn’t live with the thought that your wife may not come home in the evening. You told me that yourself.”
“That was before I knew you. I fell in love with a cop and I’m just going to have to deal with it.”
“What about Sam? She’s lost one person she loved, you couldn’t put her through that all over again, could you? I’m being realistic, it’s dangerous out there. I could get injured or killed. One slipup. One crazy person. Anything could happen.”
“And I could cross the street and a drunk driver could take me out in a flash. I could slip and fall and hit my head and die. That stuff happens far more often than a cop getting injured or killed. I know. I checked the statistics.”
He’d actually looked up statistics? But of course he would. He had a daughter to consider. He’d look at all the angles.
“And you know what? All the statistics in the world, good or bad, aren’t going to change how I feel about you, Crista. All I know is that I’d rather have you in my life, than not have you at all.”
Tears welled in Crista’s eyes. She loved him, too, but love couldn’t be all that mattered. Could it?
“You’ve made me see more clearly what I want, and what I want is us. I truly believe you want the same things I do, but you won’t let yourself admit it. I don’t blame you for being afraid to take a risk. You’ve been through so much, but if you won’t open yourself to love, we’ll never know what the future holds for us. Don’t run away from me, Crista. Give us a chance.”
Was she running from Alex’s love? Was she using their differences as a buffer against getting hurt again? Was she afraid to take the risk? The answer, she realized was yes.
“I can’t make you love me if you don’t, Crista.”
Crista closed her eyes. She’d worked so hard for everything she had, overcome so many obstacles. And everything she’d done was to feel safe, so that no matter what happened, she could take care of herself.
All her life she’d fought to stay strong enough to never need anyone. Because when you needed someone—loved someone—that person had the power to hurt you in ways no one else could. Giving someone that power meant she’d no longer be in control. She’d worked all her adult life to have control.
Loving someone meant trusting that they wouldn’t hurt her or take advantage of their power over her.
But she trusted Alex. She would trust him with her life if she had to.
Taking Alex’s hand in hers, she said softly, “I do love you, Alex. I love you more than I ever thought possible.”
As she said the words, panic seized her. She pulled her hand away and stood up. God, this was so hard. Admitt
ing she was vulnerable made her feel so exposed. And…he might not like the real Crista Santiago.
Steeling her resolve, she went on. “You’re right. I’m afraid. I was afraid all my life until I took some control over my own destiny. And loving you…” She forced herself to go on. “Loving you makes me feel like I have no control. And I—I don’t know how to deal with that.”
There, she’d said it, but didn’t know what to do next. So she just stood there waiting for him to say something.
He stared at her, thoughtful, and then after a moment he reached out and pulled her back down to sit next to him. Cupping her face in his hands, he said softly, “Love does that, you know. I haven’t felt in control from the minute I met you. But it’s a wonderful and exciting feeling to know that someone can affect me that much.”
Crista wanted to affect him as much as he affected her. And if she was honest with herself, that edgy out-of-control feeling was pretty exciting and wonderful—most of the time. But it was also scarier than going undercover in a drug sting.
She’d never felt more out of control than when she and Alex had made love. She’d forgotten every inhibition she’d ever had and he could’ve done anything, asked anything and she would have complied like a deprived animal. Or was that depraved? Just thinking about their lovemaking made her face hot and her breath short.
He leaned closer and kissed her softly, gently. She wanted to melt into him, become part of him. She kissed him back, and suddenly she felt free, free of the constraints she’d put on herself. “I love you, Alex. I love you so much it hurts.”
He drew back and looked into her eyes. “Thank you. Thank you for loving me and for saying so.” He smiled. And a second later, his smile turned into a big mischievous grin. “So does this mean you’ll spend Christmas with us?”