His voice was so filled with love that all the doubts which had consumed her suddenly melted away. When his hand moved to her hair and began to stroke it, she nestled against him, loving the feel of his body pressed against her own, so hard and strong and wonderfully reassuring. It struck her then that she had reached a turning point, that never again would she feel scared or ashamed. Telling Jude about the assault had stripped it of its power. Although she would never forget what had happened, she wouldn’t let it destroy her life. And it was all thanks to Jude. He had given her back her future.
The thought unleashed all the feelings that she had tried to keep at bay. Reaching up, she drew his head down, kissing him with a passion she had never expected to feel again. But this was different. This was Jude. And he was the man she loved.
Jude gasped when he tasted the hunger on Claire’s lips. After what she had told him, he had never expected this! However, there was no denying that she was kissing him as though she really meant it. He kissed her back, letting his lips speak for him. He loved her and he wanted her, and what he had learned hadn’t made an iota of difference to any of that. Admittedly, he had been shocked but it hadn’t changed his view of her. She was still the most beautiful woman he had ever met, beautiful inside and out too. Nothing that had happened to her in the past—no matter how appalling—would alter how he felt.
The need to tell her that was too strong to resist. He drew back, framing her face between his hands as he looked deep into her eyes. ‘I love you, my darling, and I want you to know that what you’ve told me hasn’t made any difference to how I feel about you.’
‘Are you sure?’ She bit her lip and he could tell that she was struggling to hold back her tears. ‘I’d understand if you felt differently about me, Jude. It must be hard for any man to cope with what I told you, so please don’t think that you have to stay with me out of kindness...’
‘Kindness has nothing to do with it!’ Jude didn’t let her finish. He kissed her long and hungrily, wanting to erase any foolish ideas she had about why he wanted to be with her. He loved her so much and the thought of being without her was unbearable.
They were both trembling when they drew apart. Jude ran his knuckles over her swollen lips, filled with awe that she wanted him so much. If he was honest, he didn’t feel worthy of her love. He had led such a hedonistic life before they had met, wasted his talents instead of using them to make a difference to people’s lives. Surely he should confess all that and make sure she understood exactly what kind of a man he was before they went any further?
Taking her hand, he led her to the sofa, his heart thumping as they sat down. The thought of how she might react when she found out the truth about him wasn’t easy to deal with, but it wouldn’t be fair to play down his shortcomings after she had been so open with him.
‘There’s something I must tell you, Claire,’ he began.
‘It’s all right,’ she said quickly, her voice catching. ‘I understand if you’re having second thoughts.’
‘I’m not.’ He kissed her softly on the mouth then smiled into her eyes. ‘Oh, I hate what’s happened to you and wish with all my heart that you hadn’t had to go through such a terrible ordeal. But it doesn’t alter the way I feel about you. How could it when it’s part of what has made you the person you are?’
‘Are you sure?’ She gripped his hand and his heart ached when he felt the tremor that ran through her. ‘Sure that it won’t make a difference in the future? I couldn’t bear that, Jude. Really I couldn’t.’
‘I’m sure.’ He kissed her again then forced himself to pull back before temptation got the better of him. However, he couldn’t bear to think that she might regret staying with him if she found out about his not-so-glorious past. The thought filled him with dread but he forced himself to continue. ‘I think it’s only right that you know about my past, Claire. To be honest, I’ve devoted more time to pleasure than I have to my career in the last few years.’
‘That might be true, but you did a brilliant job while you were in Mwuranda,’ she protested. ‘Everyone said so.’
‘Did they? That’s good to know.’ Jude felt strangely heartened by that news and it helped enormously. ‘However, despite those kind words, I know that I could have done an even better job if I hadn’t wasted so much time these past five years. To put it bluntly, I’ve been coasting since I left the NHS.’
‘Why did you leave?’ she asked quietly, twining her fingers through his as though she sensed how difficult he found it to talk about the reason why he had quit.
‘Because I was totally burnt out.’ Raising her hand to his mouth, he gently kissed it. ‘I was based at a hospital in the centre of the city and the workload was horrendous. There was never enough staff and we seemed to spend our time playing catch-up—I can’t count the number of times we had to cancel a scheduled surgery because there weren’t enough qualified staff available. Morale was at rock-bottom, so it wasn’t only me who found it hard to cope.’ He sighed. ‘Despite all that, I probably would have carried on working there if it weren’t for Maddie. Her death was the final straw.’
‘Was she the child you mentioned when we were looking after Bebe?’
‘Yes.’ Jude took a deep breath, feeling the pain sear his insides even after all the time that had passed. ‘Maddie was one of my patients, thirteen years old and born with a congenital heart problem. She had been in and out of hospital all her life yet, despite that, she was one of the pluckiest, bravest kids I’ve ever met.’ He laughed softly. ‘She loved playing tricks on us—you know the sort of thing, whoopee cushions placed on a chair, fake injuries. She just loved having fun.’
‘She sounds lovely,’ Claire said quietly.
‘She was. A lovely, happy child who brought a lot of joy to her family and everyone she came into contact with.’
‘What happened to her?’ Claire squeezed his hand when he hesitated. ‘You don’t have to tell me if it’s too painful.’
‘No, I want to tell you,’ he said slowly, realising it was true. Sharing this with Claire would help him put it into perspective, something he had never quite managed to do. ‘Maddie was on the heart-lung transplant register as it had reached the point where it was the only option open to her. Anyway, we received notification that organs had become available, so we called her into hospital. She was so excited, not scared, just thrilled at the thought that she’d be able to lead a normal life after the operation.
‘Everything was set up and ready, the harvest team was due to arrive and then the unthinkable happened. I had a call from the head of surgery to say that he’d been involved in an RTA on his way in and had broken his wrist. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’d had our senior consultant with him, and he was suffering from concussion.’
‘Oh, no!’ Claire exclaimed. ‘So what did you do?’
‘There was no way we could go ahead with the transplant—we simply didn’t have enough staff. As you probably know, time is of the essence in this type of situation. Organs for transplant soon start to deteriorate, so we couldn’t wait until we managed to draft in enough staff. I had to contact the transplant team and tell them to offer the organs to another patient. Then I had to tell Maddie.’ He lowered his head when he felt tears fill his eyes. ‘She was devastated. I think that’s when she gave up, because she’d lost all hope of getting better. She died three days later and there wasn’t a thing I could do to help her.’
‘It wasn’t your fault, Jude.’ Claire put her arms around him and hugged him. ‘You did everything you could.’
‘But it wasn’t enough to save her.’ He hugged her back, feeling a little better thanks to her closeness. He sighed. ‘I handed in my notice the following month and went into the private sector, where I’ve stayed for the past five years. It’s been the easy option, basically. However, it’s time I thought about doing more with my life.’
‘If it’s what you want to do then I’m all for it. But don’t do it for the wrong reasons, Jude.’ She smiled at him. ‘I’ll admit that I had my doubts at first. You did seem a bit...well, full of yourself. But I soon realised what a superb surgeon you are.’
‘Hmm. That’s a backhanded compliment if ever I heard one. Full of myself indeed!’ He kissed her, taking his time as he lovingly punished her for the comment. Claire sighed when he let her go.
‘Sorry, but I did say you were superb at your job, don’t forget.’ She laughed when he rolled his eyes. ‘Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t feel bad about the choices you’ve made. You needed a break from all the pressure from the sound of it. And as you just told me, your past has made you into the person you are today and I, for one, love every tiny bit of you.’
‘That’s good enough for me.’
He drew her into his arms, kissing her with a hunger he made no attempt to hide. Claire kissed him back, loving the fact that it felt so right. She had never expected to feel this way and it simply reinforced her decision to put the past behind her. When Jude gently set her away from him, she smiled into his eyes.
‘Thank you. I didn’t think I would ever feel this happy.’
‘Neither did I.’ He brushed his lips across her forehead and grimaced. ‘I hate to do this but it’s time I left. It’s late and I’m in Theatre first thing tomorrow morning.’
‘Really? I’d have thought you would take some time off before you went back to work,’ she queried in surprise.
‘I am, but I’m assisting Professor Jackson.’ He grinned at her. ‘He’s agreed to operate on Jeremiah. We managed to get the paperwork all sorted, so we brought him back to England with us.’
‘Oh, that’s wonderful!’ Claire exclaimed.
‘Isn’t it? However, if I’m to be any help at all then I’d better get some sleep.’
He stood up and Claire got up as well. She took a quick breath to contain the ripple of panic that ran through her. This was a huge step but she was determined to focus on the future and forget the past. ‘You don’t have to leave. You can stay here, if you like.’
‘I’d love to but I don’t know if it’s a good idea, Claire,’ Jude said quietly. Taking her hands, he drew her to him and hugged her. ‘I know how difficult it must be for you to think about sleeping with me after what’s happened and I don’t want you to feel under any pressure. We can wait until you’re ready and it doesn’t matter how long it takes.’
‘Thank you.’ She kissed him on the lips, loving him more than ever for being so understanding. ‘But I’ve wasted enough time and now I want to get on with my life, get on with loving you and showing you how much you mean to me.’
‘Then why don’t we take things really slowly?’ He tipped up her chin and dropped a feather-light kiss on her mouth. ‘If I spend the night here, we don’t have to make love. We can simply sleep in one another’s arms. It sounds wonderful to me. How about you?’
‘It sounds wonderful to me too,’ she said softly, her heart swelling with happiness at his thoughtfulness.
Jude kissed her again then helped her turn the sofa into a bed. Claire found the pillows and the duvet then hesitated, wondering if she should go and undress in the tiny bathroom.
‘Here, let me help you.’ Jude took her into his arms and kissed her hungrily before turning his attention to the buttons down the front of her blouse. He worked them free then slipped it off her shoulders and looked at her, studying the ripe curves of her breasts beneath the plain white bra she was wearing. ‘You’re so beautiful,’ he murmured huskily. ‘Even more beautiful than I imagined.’
Claire shuddered, more affected than she could say by the thought of him imagining how she looked. When he slid the straps off her shoulders, she stood proudly in front of him, glorying in the fact that he enjoyed looking at her. He didn’t see her as soiled goods but as a desirable woman. The woman he loved.
He swiftly dispensed with the rest of her clothes and then it was her turn. Claire’s hands were shaking as she grasped the hem of his sweater and drew it over his head. He was naked beneath, his skin deeply tanned underneath a light covering of hair. Reaching out, she ran her palms over the warm strong muscles, savouring the firmness of his flesh, its vitality. She could feel his heart beating beneath her fingertips and closed her eyes, wanting to store away the moment. She didn’t feel afraid, as she might have expected. After all, this was the first time she had been intimate with a man since she had been raped. But touching Jude this way felt right; it was what she wanted to do. She knew then that what had happened in the past could no longer hurt her. Love had taken away its power to rule her life.
Jude could feel his desire building but forced himself to hold back. He didn’t want to rush Claire. She needed time and he would give it to her. Tossing back the quilt, he held out his hand, smiling into her eyes when she immediately placed her hand in his. That she trusted him was plain to see and it meant the world to him. He would never betray her trust, he vowed as he drew her down on the bed. No matter what life threw at them, he would always be there for her, would always protect and cherish her until his dying day. She was his present and his future: she was everything to him.
Drawing her into his arms, he kissed her with heart-melting tenderness, feeling the tears running down his cheeks. He couldn’t recall ever crying like this before but it didn’t matter. He loved her so much that his heart seemed to be brimming over with emotion. When she cupped his face between her hands and began to kiss away his tears, he let her. He wasn’t ashamed of her seeing them. If anyone had the right to know how deeply he felt, it was her.
‘I love you,’ he whispered, holding her close.
‘And I love you too. So very much.’
They held each other close, not needing to do or say anything else. They both knew that from this moment on they would be together, that nothing could part them. They might not make love tonight but Jude knew that they would do so soon and that it would be wonderful too. More wonderful than anything they had ever known. They loved each other too much for it to be anything other than perfect.
EPILOGUE
Three years later...
‘LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, please join me in welcoming our guest of honour this evening, Dr Jude Slater.’
Claire smiled when everyone started to clap. She knew that Jude had been a little nervous about tonight but he needn’t have been. He had become something of a cult figure in the last couple of years as he had expounded his views on poverty in the developing world and what needed to be done about it. A lot of people admired his forthright approach, not least of all her. Jude was making a difference to a lot of people’s lives and he deserved all the plaudits that came his way.
She let her mind drift back over what had happened while she listened to his speech. They had been married shortly after his return from Mwuranda. As Jude had said, there was no reason for them to wait. The service had been held in the church close to her parents’ home in Cheshire. All the Worlds Together team had attended, along with her family and friends. It had been a wonderfully happy occasion. As she and Jude had made their vows they had both known that they meant every word. It was the start of their new life together and they wouldn’t allow anything that had gone on before to ruin their love for one another.
They had gone to Paris for their honeymoon and it had been everything she had dreamt it would be. They had decided to wait until their honeymoon before they made love. It had been Jude’s idea and she had been happy to go along with it, even though she’d had no qualms about how she would feel. In the event, their lovemaking had been everything they had hoped for, the confirmation of their love for one another.
Once they returned to London, she had accepted a senior sister’s post at one of the large teaching hospitals while Jude had given up his job in the private sector and set
about honing his skills by accepting a post with Professor Jackson’s team. His natural talent for surgery had soon made itself apparent and he was much in demand both at home and abroad. However, he had continued to work for Worlds Together and had become a spokesman for them which was what had brought about this invitation to speak at tonight’s dinner. They had both found worthwhile careers, although in her case there were to be some changes shortly.
A burst of applause announced that Jude had come to the end of his speech. Claire laughed as he mopped imaginary perspiration from his brow as he came back to their table and sat down. ‘Phew! Am I glad that’s over!’ he declared, leaning over to drop a kiss on her cheek.
‘Don’t give me that,’ she retorted, thinking how handsome he looked in his dinner jacket. ‘You know you love the adoration of your fans. I mean, just listen to all that applause!’
‘Oh, please!’ He rolled his eyes. ‘They’re clapping because I didn’t go wittering on for too long.’
‘Hmm, if you say so,’ she replied, still smiling. She took a quick breath, feeling excitement bubbling up inside her. She had been waiting for this moment all day and now it had arrived at last. ‘Talking about fans, you’re about to add another one to your club.’
‘Am I?’ he asked, frowning.
‘Yes, you are.’ Clare stood up, suddenly deciding that the crowded dining room was not the best place to continue the conversation. ‘I’ll tell you outside.’
Jude looked puzzled but he got up and followed her from the dining room. She led him across the hotel’s foyer to the reading room, which was empty. Closing the door, she turned to look at him, unable to contain her joy a second longer.
‘I did a test today while you were practising your speech,’ she began, but he cut her off.
Reawakened by the Surgeon's Touch Page 15