He shoved the door hard and Anna almost instantly found herself lying on her back sprawled out on the bed. Willy flung himself on top of her, tearing at her underwear. Anna tried to fight him. She wanted to kick him in the groin. But he was too strong. He pinned her arms above her head and held her legs down with his knees. Anna struggled uselessly. Anna had always found Charles repulsive. Willy was all that times ten.
Willy held Anna’s two hands with his right hand while his left tore at Anna’s thin knickers. Soon they were little more than threads. He tried unsuccessfully to pull off her bra. “There’s nothing there, anyway. They’re not worth worrying about.” Anna stared at his mismatched eyes as he spoke.
Willy shoved her thighs apart and forced himself inside her. The pain blinded her, the weight of his body almost crushed her. His stinking breath made her gag. She cried out in pained agony.
No one came. She wished herself dead. But she couldn’t die. She had Daniel and the girls and her parents. The girls. He could have molested them. He could have killed them.
She could do nothing. Finally, she let the shock of the assault take her from reality and she hovered in a safe place in her mind.
“I walked ten miles to see you. To ask you for work, nothing more. And you sent me away. You deserve this, you fucking bitch.”
Anna shook her head wordlessly.
Finally Willy finished, sticky fluid coated her thighs as he withdrew. He slapped Anna’s face hard. “There, I’m finished with you. Now get out of my sight.”
Anna was too scared to move. She lay where he left her, choking on her sobs.
The face disappeared from her sight and heavy footsteps echoed in the house, followed by the slamming of the door. The house was empty.
Anna let her anger push back the despair and pain. She willed herself to get off that bed and follow Willy. No one could attack her and get by with it. First, she must find Amber and Crystal. Oh let them be all right.
Without stopping for a coat and still just in bedroom slippers and tattered clothes, she grabbed the rifle from the hook on the wall of the porch. She didn’t stop to see if it was loaded. She simply went after Willy.
She saw him walking down the road. She couldn’t see anything of Amber or Cystal. Should she look for the girls or follow Willy? She would follow Willy. She must frighten him off for good. She’d know from his face if he’d harmed the children.
The gun weighed heavily in her right hand. Daniel kept it in case he needed to kill a coyote who ventured too close to the hen house. Anna had never shot a gun in her life, but she knew how. If Willy didn’t promise to leave her alone, she would kill him, regardless of any legal consequences.
Despite the almost overwhelming pain, Anna moved quickly. She caught up with Willy where the property intersected their neighbours. Anna hoped no one would pass by and witness her bedraggled state, pointing a gun at a man. Fortunately, she remained alone with Willy. She could hear sparrows chirping. The gentle sound made herself and everything around her, surreal.
Almost out of breath, Anna managed to shout, “Where are my children? I’ll kill you if you don’t stop walking. I’ll shoot you dozens of times if you harm my girls or ever try to rape me again.” The gun shook in her hands. She was almost as afraid as she’d been during the rape. Could she pull the trigger? See Willy collapse? See his blood? God would never blame her if she shot Willy. Neither would the law. She’d be acting in self defense.
Anna stood up straight, tall and proud. She would never be a victim again.
Willy’s face was twisted with fear. He reminded her of someone who’d received an electric shock. He hadn’t expected her to follow him. His obvious fear fueled not only Anna’s anger, but also her curiosity.
“I planned to offer you food. I felt sorry for you. You’re evil. It’s wrong to take your frustrations out on someone weaker or smaller.” The gun suddenly felt heavy in her hands, but she continued to point it at Willy. “This gun makes me stronger and I’ll use it.”
Willy looked down at the ground and said nothing.
Anna bellowed, “”Talk to me or die.”
Willy finally spoke; his voice low and forced and filled with fright. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I never saw any kids. What are you talking about?” He held up his hands in surrender.
Anna slowly lowered the gun.
The man took her action as capitulation. “You couldn’t please your man so he deserted you. Desertion isn’t good enough for the likes of you. You deserved a good screwing, so don’t be so uppity.”
Anna raised the gun with renewed anger. She heard the sounds of running feet and heavy breathing. Amber and Crystal followed by Chocolate, who remained wary of Willy, arrived. Anna was so glad to see them she had to stifle a cry of delight. They appeared unharmed. Nonetheless, she shuddered. The timing was bad. Would she be able to protect them?
Both girls were dirty and covered in hay. They carried their dolls dangling by one leg. Anna presumed they’d stopped their game and gone up to the house looking for her. They’d obviously run to the field when they couldn’t find her.
The girls hugged Anna’s legs. Anna hoped she wouldn’t lose her balance or the grip on the rifle. She longed to scoop her daughters into her arms. She knew it was a futile wish. The gun was her lifeline.
Amber was the first to spot Willy. “Mummy, who’s that man? And why do you have the gun out? You’re bleeding and your clothes are torn. What’s the matter?” Tears of anxiety filled her beautiful, hazel eyes.
Anna forced herself to appear calm. She still held the shaking gun, “Yes darling, this man hurt me. But I’m going to be all right.” She stood as tall and straight as possible. She was invincible.
Anna’s voice shook almost as much as her hands. “He’s a bad man. Stay away from him. Not all men are good like your dad. If you see him, run and tell me. I’ll get the gun and shoot him.”
Willy seemed planted on his spot in the field. His eyes widened with fear at her last words. His fear gave Anna renewed confidence.
Amber looked confused as well as frightened. “I thought Dad said we had the gun just for coyotes.”
Anna glared at Willy, “Usually, but we’ll make an exception in this man’s case. Now, go and don’t come back.”
She pointed the gun to the ground. Willy turned away and walked rapidly down the field, and then onto the gravel road.
His worn boots crunched loud on the gravel. Anna hoped he’d get blisters. She knew she’d scared him. She hoped it’d been enough to keep him away.
And she’d thought today would be better than yesterday.
* * *
Anna asked Amber and Crystal if they could please play in their room while Mummy had a bath. They seemed eager to comply. They were rightly frightened by the “bad man.” Amber, particularly, was old enough to reason if he’d hurt Mummy, he might also hurt her and Crystal.
Anna placed a chair in front of the door so Willy wouldn’t be able to gain entrance to her home a second time. Then she prepared to boil water for a bath.
The water warmed. Anna poured it into her small, galvanized tub. She found her Ivory soap and crawled in. She let the water soothe her sores. She washed the memory of the slap off her face. The bath helped. Would she be able to make love to Daniel when he returned? She doubted it. She was too dirty and, by association, evil.
Anna savoured the privacy of her bath, and decided Daniel must never know about the rape. Even though a small part of her wanted Daniel to find Willy, and beat him up. Hurt Willy as much as he had hurt her.
Of course, the bath water eventually grew cold and Anna knew she would have to get out. She grabbed her favorite towel, and realized she was still nervous and frightened. She vowed to secure a lock for her door. The gun aside, Willy might return while she slept.
For the sake of her children Anna knew she would have to act as normal as possible. So she disposed of the bath water and began to efficiently prepare their noon-time dinner, usually their biggest meal
of the day. She forced herself to act as if nothing had happened as she and the girls consumed pork chops, mashed potatoes, and apple sauce.
However, Amber had a long memory. “Why did that bad man come?”
“He came to hurt me. But he won’t be back. I’ll see to it.” Sudden tears filled Anna’s eyes and her knife and fork shook in her hands, “Don’t forget to tell me if the bad man comes back.”
They finished their meal and Anna realized she had eaten very little. Crystal quite predictably wanted to help with the dishes. Anna lifted her onto a chair and let her assist with the drying. “Now, please be careful. You don’t want to break anything.” She said this although many of the dishes were made of metal and unbreakable.
Anna found it relaxing to be around her gentle youngest child. The dish washing was the happiest moment of this most miserable day.
* * *
Time passed and Anna saw no further evidence of Willy. She believed with reasonable certainty she had scared him off. Nonetheless, she was as nervous as a deer in hunting season.
She slept badly. Just before Anna fell into slumber each night she felt his presence. Her heart would pound and she’d find herself sweating. The days were less stressful than the nights because of her extreme busyness. However, she no longer played the radio. She wanted to hear if Willy or some other violent person approached. Consequently, she had no knowledge of current events. She fervently hoped no war had been declared.
At great expense, she’d had a locksmith out and he’d installed the best lock money could buy. Jock Edwards turned out to be a big, strong man who frightened Anna. He had the potential to hurt her even more than Willy. She was so afraid she avoided shaking the hand he offered. Before the rape, she would’ve found him attractive.
Jock sensed her fear. “Mrs. Armstrong, I believe someone has hurt you. I’m sorry it happened. You seem like a nice woman. You might feel safer if you call the police.”
Anna looked at the floor as she mumbled, “I’ll be all right now that I have a good lock.”
Finally, she looked up and met his small but friendly brown eyes. “Thank you very much.” She was still too afraid to shake hands.
Without any further word Jock walked out the door and headed to his car. Anna tested the lock and found it worked perfectly. She relaxed a bit when she heard Jock’s car speed down the gravel driveway.
Nonetheless, as the days passed, Anna continued to experience persistent anxiety. Nothing would relieve it.
Her appetite dwindled to the point where she ate next to nothing. She grew thin everywhere except her belly. She tried to force herself to eat but she found she choked on her food.
She couldn’t help but feel responsible for what had happened. She shouldn’t have so freely opened the door. She should have greeted him with her gun in her hand. The rape had been her fault.
* * *
Anna didn’t know when she realized she must be pregnant but there were many signs. She hadn’t had her period for two months. She was often nauseous in the morning. And, thin as she was, her breasts and stomach expanded. She’d had similar signs with both Amber and Crystal, but they hadn’t been as intense. Willy’s child was sure to be troublesome.
Anna railed at life’s unfairness. She’d had sex with Willy once. Only once and it had been rape.
How she hated the man. He had not only wounded her both physically and psychologically but would also almost certainly ruin her marriage.
She’d never be able to convince Daniel she’d been raped. He’d be certain to think she went looking for it. He would hate her and almost certainly send her back to England in disgrace. And what would Grace and George have to say?
And what if Daniel didn’t allow her to take Amber and Crystal with her? Even more unthinkable, she felt as doomed as an animal caught in a steel trap.
She thought about jumping into the water-filled dugout where the cattle quenched their thirst. She couldn’t swim and would drown. Or perhaps she could use the ladder to climb up to the barn roof and jump off. The fall might not cause death, but it should be enough to cause her to miscarry.
Of course, like with drowning, she might die. Her own life wasn’t worth a farthing, but she had her darling children and all the farm animals dependent on her. She must live this hell.
* * *
The days passed, the weeks passed and Anna felt more and more desperate. As she began to show, she took to wearing her coat even in these warm days of April.
Yet it didn’t help. Her condition revealed itself and she could see herself growing larger daily. It was not lost on her in-laws. Grace, George and Peter arrived at her door early one morning. Not surprisingly, Grace led the charge. There were no pleasantries. Grace looked colder than Siberia. “It’s obvious you’re pregnant. It’s equally obvious Daniel cannot be the father. You’re ungodly.” She pointed her finger as if brandishing a gun. “We hereby excommunicate you from our family. We hope to never see your face again.” The trio turned and piled into George’s Cadillac without a backward glance.
Anna sighed and tears filled her eyes as she went to the barn to do the milking. She asked herself, “What did you expect?” She realized it was exactly what she’d just experienced. She was pleased Jim and Maisy and Lottie hadn’t been a party to what she’d just witnessed. Not all the Armstrong’s were rigid and dogmatic.
She anticipated Daniel’s return with fear and dread. However, she continued to write to him twice a week. She said nothing about the rape or her condition. It wasn’t something she could explain in a letter. Thank God she was the only person who knew Daniel’s address in Vancouver.
Two days later, Anna had just started to clean up the breakfast dishes when Jim called to ask if Maisy could come over this afternoon for a visit. Anna could hear the breath of someone listening in on the party line but she didn’t care about the lack of privacy.
She felt happier than she’d been since she’d realized her predicament. Finally she’d be able to be alone with her dearest friend. Maisy would help her forget her humiliation. Hopefully, she’d also be able to explain. Anna spent the rest of the morning cleaning, something she hadn’t done in over a month. She’d been too busy and too distraught to keep up with all the work. Sometimes she felt as if she could just curl up and sleep until she could sleep no more.
When bedtime came, Anna still couldn’t rest. Despite the lock on the door, she feared intruders. She also imagined Daniel’s angry face when he returned home and found her pregnant with a child that couldn’t be his.
Nonetheless, Anna found the act of cleaning satisfying. For a moment, she had control, even if only over her surroundings. So she swept and washed the floor, wiped down the white cupboards, and scoured the stove and refrigerator. For today, at least, the house felt less like the locked prison she usually saw it as, and more like the house she loved.
Anna washed her hair with Breck shampoo and the result pleased her. Washing her hair seemed almost as emotionally cleansing as having a bath. However, she’d felt vulnerable with her head in the sink. Willy or some other rapist would be able to attack her from behind.
Yet, I have the gun and if necessary, I will use it.
Anna could hear her daughters’ giggles from outside the house. She could tell from the nearby proximity to the sound of laughter that they likely played on the teeter totter just outside the door.
Even now, their laughter made her joyous. However, she hoped Amber wouldn’t stand on the teeter totter instead of sit. She’d fallen off and broken her head open on more than one occasion in the past. Anna didn’t like cleaning up head wounds.
Neither Amber nor Crystal appeared haunted by images of the “bad man” Anna had threatened with the gun. It must be wonderful to be so young and innocent.
* * *
Right on time, to a chorus of barking from Chocolate, Maisy appeared at her doorstep. Anna unlocked the door and reached out and hugged her friend. The human contact felt wonderful. Anna hadn’t seen Maisy in al
most a month, an unusual occurrence as they usually visited frequently. Anna had worn her loose coat whenever Jim dropped off groceries. Lately, she’d avoided going into Lethbridge.
Maisy smelled of Ivory soap and lemon oil. Anna sighed with happiness. Finally, there would be someone to lighten her miserable mood.
Amber and Crystal played outside. Maisy’s boys were in school. She had her friend all to herself.
Maisy, as usual, looked beautiful. As beautiful as the birds outside Anna longed to paint. She wore a pink flowered skirt that emphasized her narrow waist and a soft long-sleeved cream sweater that complemented the colour in her cheeks. Anna felt plain in comparison.
Anna wore a baggy dress. It was not only shapeless, but also in a drab brown colour that did nothing for her complexion. The dress managed to make both her arms and legs look gangly and awkward.
In her previous pregnancies, she’d been told not only by Daniel but also by several acquaintances she’d never looked more beautiful. This was certainly not the case now. Circumstance affected everything.
Maisy seated herself on the sofa.
“I’ve got Earl Grey tea and a packet of chocolate-chip biscuits. I mean cookies.” Anna stopped for a breath. “They’re store bought. I didn’t have time to bake. Would you like one?”
“That would be great and you can call the cookies whatever you like,” Maisy leaned forward. “It’s so good to see you.” Her eyes smiled.
Anna put the kettle on and added loose tea leaves to her Brown Betty teapot. She placed the cookies onto a plate. She used her best cups and saucers and was happier than she’d been since the rape.
Anna seated herself across from Maisy so they could talk. She picked up a cookie but knew better than to try to eat it in Maisy’s presence. She didn’t want her friend to see her choking on her food. Something she now did regularly. Just yesterday, Amber had asked, “Mummy, why do you choke?”
Till The Wind Blows Silent Page 15