by Tasha Blue
He listened intently to the things she had to say. He honestly cared and it showed plainly on his face.
After explaining to him her past in a short summarized version, she told him about her last visit to her apartment.
He grew dark and somber. His protective nature took hold of him as concern etched his brow. “Why would you hide all this from me?” It was clear he was hurt that she didn’t trust him.
Unable to look him in the eye, she shamefacedly gazed at the floor. “Because I didn’t want you to get involved in my problems.”
He walked over and hugged her. “No, why would you ever think like that? You need to be able to come to me for anything. You can trust me to keep you safe.” He brushed away her tears, which were now trailing down her face. “But I can’t do it with you here. I need you to go back to Bora Bora. You need to be somewhere secluded and tucked away until I can sort this mess out. If you want, you can bring your friends with you. We can have our wedding there since you seemed to like it so much.”
He pulled away and stroked her cheek tenderly. “I need you to be happy. Plan our wedding, enjoy the beach, and I’ll be there when I can. Let me worry about things from now on.”
The words coming out of his lips were almost too perfect.
Suddenly guilt washed over her. She was being so selfish these last couple of weeks. He was the one who needed her and she was too wrapped up in how she felt all the time.
He touched on the subject weighing in her mind. “I’m sorry about our nights together. Sometimes my symptoms flare up and I need time to get over them. I’ve killed a lot of people,” he shamefacedly admitted. His tone was grave as he stared away from her. His body shook with softened tremors. “Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I’ve watched my friends die in front of me, blown to bits that could not be put back together.”
She felt horrible at the revelation. He never spoke about it until now. He was hurting more than she was during those sleepless nights, and she didn’t even stop to think about what exactly he might’ve been through. All she could notice was he had nightmares, which everyone had from time to time. It seemed like no big deal. He would get over it.
“I’m sorry.” It was all she could manage to say. For days now she drowned in her own hurt, upset that he wouldn’t bother to try and mend things. But Sasha was right. She needed to try and understand him. Instead of giving him a hard time about things, she should’ve been the one to help him.
He was obviously perplexed by her apology. “What are you apologizing for?” he asked. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Yes I have,” she rubbed the side of her face. “I haven’t been there for you when you’ve needed me. I haven’t even tried to understand why you’ve left me alone in our bed. I’ve only thought about me and how I feel with everything going on, and that’s not right.”
“No, no, no. It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself for feeling like that.”
“I can’t help it.”
“Then get over it,” he smiled. “I’m sending you away and that’s that. I’ve been going to therapy for sleeping at night ever since that other night… which is part of the reason why I’m gone a lot. My therapist is here in New York. Of course, I’m here on business too.” He threw in the last bit to reassure her that he was trying.
Amber now had a wedding to plan. She wasn’t going to approach the subject with him any further, seeing as he had made up his mind on the route they would take.
Sasha and Melanie would probably be reluctant to go with her since they had jobs, but she was sure she could convince them to if everything was paid for. She needed them to help her plan the wedding of her dreams. These next few weeks would be the most important of her life. But she wasn’t prepared for what happened next…
Chapter13
Crystal clear skies and brilliant sunshine made the day exquisite to behold. Not a blemish in the heavens rained down upon the three girls who sat sunbathing. Their large beach blanket lay bountiful with a cooler and several alcoholic beverages.
Amber thumbed through a bridal magazine. The date was inching closer. Pretty soon she would wake up and find herself all dressed in white walking down the aisle.
Sasha looked at the pretty blush bride on the cover of another magazine. “So have you thought of what dress you want yet?” She posed the question aimed for Amber.
Melanie answered it abruptly with a smirk on her face. “She can’t wear white. We all know she’s no virgin.”
All the girls giggled except for Amber who gave her a look of contempt. “Shut up. I’m still a virgin.”
“Pfft girl, you haven’t been one for a damn long time.” Sasha said, joining in on the prattle while popping open a Raspberrita.
She sipped the chill purple drink, and then put the cold can to her neck. “We need a freakin’ umbrella,” she complained. “It’s too damn hot.”
“Stop being a little baby or go inside. The house is right there,” Melanie retorted while pulling a cold bag of cucumber slices out of the cooler. She reclined on her rolled up towel and placed them delicately on her eyes pre-Madonna style.
“Damn it. I almost ate those.” Sasha snipped.
“Oh, do shut up.”
There was a moment of silence where the breeze washed over the girl’s faces. Then a new subject arose out of the blue.
Of course, Melanie was the one to bring it up. “So, does your man have any single brothers?”
“No,” Amber said, turning to lie on her stomach. “Just a sister.”
She twirled her red hair between delicate fingers. “Just make sure our bridesmaid’s dresses are sexy. I need to look good.” Her vanity was definitely something she wasn’t ashamed of.
The water looked invitingly calm. Amber suddenly wanted to go for a swim.
As she stood up in her peach bathing suit, she began to grow dizzy. She shook her head to clear her thoughts but her stomach began to protest.
Sasha noticed and cast a concerned glance. “Are you okay, love?”
She nodded. “I’ll be fine.” But she was lying. She wanted to retch everywhere, the feeling growing in her until she could barely keep it down.
Rushing towards the bungalow, with her hand on her mouth, she aimed straight for the sliding glass door. Slamming it opened, she barely made it to the bathroom before puking all over the toilet bowl.
Her innards felt like they were being wrenched together. She was so nauseous she couldn’t stand. Leaning on her knees she hugged the toilet just as Sasha and Melanie came rushing in.
Melanie ran to the kitchen and rattled some cups in the cabinet while Sasha grabbed her hair. She tied Amber’s hair in a make shift ponytail as she waiting for the vomiting spell to be over.
Within a few minutes, Amber could breathe again. She sniffed, her nose runny and her body suddenly exhausted.
“I’m okay,” she took the cup of alka seltzer that Melanie appeared with. It was bubbling almost to the surface.
Staring at it wryly, she downed it.
“What happened? Did you eat something weird today?” Melanie looked at her with the same concern plastered all over Sasha’s face. ” I don’t know. I just stood up and everything felt dizzy.” She shook her head. “I’m just as clueless as you are.”
“Well let’s get you in bed. Maybe you just need rest, my love,” Sasha suggested.
She came around to assist Amber to the bed. “I can walk okay, thank you. But I would like a fresh change of clothes,” she said, motioning to her bathing suit that was slightly covered in barf.
Melanie wrinkled her face. “Aww, gross girl.” Turning around, she headed towards the large bureau in the adjoining bedroom which contained most of Amber’s night clothes.
She rummaged through things until settling on something comfy. She held up a pink tank top and fuzzy long pants. “These okay?”
Sasha walked over and grabbed them. “Who cares? These will be fine.”
With the assistance of
her two friends, Amber changed into the pajamas and lay in bed. “I think I’ll be fine in a bit.”
Both girls began to whisper together and then inched out of the room. The whole place lay in silence except for the fan above her stirring the air vigorously. She stared up at it, her stomach still roiling uncomfortably, threatening to flare up again. She had to avert her attention to something else that wasn’t quite moving.
She looked at the door with its delicate silver handles and the shiny floorboards that led out into a much bigger living room.
She drifted in and out of sleep as the hours traversed. There were times she felt the sun fall on her face, only to wake up to the shadow of palm trees touching her skin.
Then somewhere in her fitful dreams she heard the rattling of keys. They were so far in the background that she couldn’t quite place what reality she was in.
“Baby…” There was this voice. It was deep and comforting, but she couldn’t respond. Sleep hugged onto her so tightly that she didn’t fight it. She just let the soft whispers sing sweet lullabies to her.
Day turned into night, and that was when she awoke. She saw Charles’ arm protectively hugging her waist. It made her smile and feel warm to have him so close.
Reaching down she kissed his cheek. He apparently had fallen asleep with her, which was surprising seeing as he never did that anymore.
After stroking his hair she sat up against the bed, cracking her neck from the stiffness of sleep. Looking at the door with the silver handle, she saw a slit of light illuminating the living room. Apparently Sasha and Melanie had stayed up to amuse themselves on their vacation.
She stood up awkwardly, still a little faint feeling. Shuffling towards the door she opened it, careful not to make it squeak and disturb Charles’ deepened slumber. Both girls were sitting at the soft couches with a bunch of snack food spread before them and something cooking on the stove. It smelled of pork, causing Amber to wrinkle her nose. She fanned the air to dissipate the smell, but it didn’t work. God it smelled awful. “Took you damn long,” Melanie was the first to look up. “You look better.” But after studying her further she shook her head. “Do I stink?” She began to smell herself, lightly sniffing her arm pits. Hurriedly she brushed her off, waltzing to the slow cooker with steam coming out. “Oh God this is nasty. What the hell are you making?“
Both girls looked at her oddly, but Sasha was the one to get up. “Your favorite, slow roasted pork with potato and onions.” She flashed a grin before proceeding to grab a spoon. “It should be done soon.”
“I’m good,” Amber backed away as the steam poured out when Sash lifted the lid. The stench filled her nostrils until she wanted to vomit. She couldn’t stand the smell. She needed fresh air so she walked outside with Sasha at her heels. “Babe,” she called out, circling around to face her. “What’s wrong with me?” Amber asked, aghast at how odd she felt. Contemplating for a second, her friend crossed her arms. “When was your last period?” she questioned. “I know this is a long shot but you’re demonstrating some of the symptoms of pregnancy all of a sudden.” Amber scoffed. “I doubt that’s what is going on.” She didn’t want to think it was an option, but the longer she thought about it, the more she realized that she wasn’t quite on schedule with her body. She had been so busy she didn’t have time to notice. “When was it?” she kept insisting. “Look, I’m not pregnant. I don’t feel like it so let’s drop the subject.” She didn’t want to have a baby, not yet. She still had to get married. She wanted to fit in her wedding gown all trim and beautiful.
Sasha uncrossed her arms and gave her a hug. “Having a baby isn’t a bad thing. But if you think you’re not then I’ll leave it alone. Just make sure you’re alright.”
Amber waited for Sasha to go back inside before touching her breasts. They were sore but this was normal. The female body was a mystery even to her. It wasn’t unusual for her to be off by a few days once in a while.
She heard footsteps and then Charles voice permeated the night air. “Mm, baby, the way you touch yourself is just…” He walked behind her and gave her a hug, sucking softly on her neck.
She froze with her fingers still clutching her breasts. When she tried to move them, he held them in place.
“Babe please,” she protested, trying to move her hands from his steel grip. “It’s not a good time right now.” Her feet were planted solidly in the ground and she stiffened her body. She didn’t want him to think she was relaxed and comfortable to mess around. Tonight there would be none of that. She couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that she might be pregnant. The idea weighed heavily on her and she hated every second of it. What if she was? What would she do about it?
“I’m tired,” she lied. “I think I’ll go back to bed. Maybe I’ll feel better in the morning.”
Rejected and obviously disappointed, he backed away from her and let her walk back inside. There would be no sleep for her tonight but he didn’t need to know that. Perhaps tomorrow she would feel herself again.
Charles nicely tucked her in bed, kissed her on the forehead, and then went to join her friends who were laughing loudly about something.
Baby Abel began to cry and immediately the other sounds came to a halt. Even though the quiet surrounded her, Amber felt like she needed something to knock her out. Quickly she walked to the bathroom and flipped on the light. She was hoping there’d be a bottle of Nyquil for her to down.
As she rummaged through the cabinet she came across two things. One, obviously someone had placed pregnancy tests conveniently there for her to find. She had a sneaking suspicion of who it might be. And two, there was a bottle of Nyquil just waiting for her.
But as she reached to grab the Nyquil, a sense of guilt overcame her. Shoving it aside she untwisted the cap and filled it up to the little line that marked a usual dose. Lifting it to her lips she could smell the mint cherry scent travel up her nose. Surprisingly she liked the smell of this particular medicine. Everyone at some point in time would look at her crazy, wondering how she could stand it. Seconds passed by as she struggled to drink it down. She let the liquid pour into her mouth without swallowing. She let the tingle of it fill her mouth until the guilt became insurmountable. She couldn’t stand it. Deep inside she knew this was a bad idea. If she were pregnant, then she shouldn’t be taking anything like this. Nothing with a label of alcohol she would let pass her lips if she knew what was good for her.
Sighing, she spit out the deep red syrup in to the sink and stared at herself in the mirror. She looked so sad. Her eyes were puffy and she felt exhausted. The reflection looking back at her was merely a mirror of how she felt. “Great,” she uttered to herself. No one was around to listen. “What should I do..?”
Her hand wandered to the pregnancy test sitting before her, the instructions on the back clear and easy to understand. She picked it up and read them aloud. Sasha most definitely had a hand in this. She was the one with baby experience and perhaps she felt that it was a good idea to keep them around.
Thinking against it, she put the box down and washed her hands. “Whatever,” she sighed.
Drying her hands and walking towards the bathroom exit, she couldn’t make herself leave. Seconds later, she backtracked to the box, opened it, and stared at the little colorful device. “All you have to do is pee on it,” she convinced herself. “And nothing bad will happen. It will just confirm what you already know.”
Taking a deep breath, she walked to the toilet and took the cap off the tip of the tester. Nonchalantly, she sat down and held it in her stream of urine, waiting the good long seconds before removing it. She waited in horror as the soaked tip traveled through to the middle of the tester, praying silently that there would be a single negative line. Who knew pregnancy tests took this long?
When the negative line began to form, she drew a sigh of relief. Just as she was about to breathe again, another little line finished the tiny symbol. It was positive. She stared in horror.
There was a ch
ance of it being false. She had heard of it happening before. So she dove for the second test and went the last remaining drops on it. She waited; sweat beading her brow for those last few seconds.
Never had time seemed to slow down as quickly as it did now. The seconds turned into minutes and hours until her heart began to race in her chest. If this test proved positive, her entire world would change. What was she going to tell Charles? What if he didn’t want to have a baby just yet? How would she fit in her wedding dress with a baby bump? His mother…oh God his mother. She would say “I told you so” and look upon her as a disgrace to the family. Not that it would make much of a difference seeing as she already did.
Someone knocked on the door. “You okay in there?” It was Charles who must’ve come back to bed while she was in there. “Do you need anything?”
“I’m fine,” she croaked, while wrapping up the soiled pregnancy tests in toilet paper. She tossed them in the waste bin next to her. They would look like tampons for now until she figured out how to tell him.
She stared into the distance at nothing in particular as she washed her hands. She flushed the toilet in hopes that he wouldn’t ask about how long she had taken in there. “Everything will be okay,” she coaxed herself in the mirror, smoothing out her hair.
Joining her fiancé in bed, he reached an arm around her waist. His hand fell on her womb and she tensed. It felt weird having him touch her there.
“Are you sleeping in here all night?”
“I can if you want,” he said, while nuzzling the back of her neck. He liked to spoon. It was his favorite position to sleep in at night.
“What about your dreams at night?”
“I’m working on it. My therapist told me it’d be better to work through them together with you. So I’m willing to try if you don’t mind.”
Great, she thought. The one night she wanted to sleep alone he had to be all loving and devoted. But she didn’t tell him that. Instead, she encouraged him, knowing that if she didn’t she would feel bad for it later. “I think you should,” she stroked his hand. “We need to get through this together.”