by Joe Rhatigan
BIZARRE
HISTORY
Strange Happenings, Stupid Misconceptions,
Distorted Facts and Uncommon Events
JOE RHATIGAN
An Imagine Book
Published by Charlesbridge
85 Main Street, Watertown, MA 02472
(617) 926-0329
www.charlesbridge.com
Text and illustrations copyright © 2011 by Charlesbridge Publishing, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Rhatigan, Joe.
Bizarre history / by Joe Rhatigan.
p. cm.
“An Imagine book”—T.p. verso.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-60734-419-3
1. History—Anecdotes. 2. Biography—Anecdotes. 3. Curiosities and wonders—Anecdotes. I. Title.
D10.R485 2011
909—dc22
2011006295
For information about custom editions, special sales,
premium and corporate purchases, please contact
Charlesbridge Publishing at [email protected]
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
Village Idiots and Foundering Fathers
Thoughts about History
(from people smarter than me)
Our Fearless Leaders
When Things Were Rotten
“History” and Other Lies
War Stories
Historical Moments
Resources
Index
INTRODUCTION
VILLAGE IDIOTS AND FOUNDERING FATHERS
Whenever I contemplate history, I imagine a dusty old guy with whiskers, a pipe, and a long, boring story that I’m going to be forced to listen to … and memorize. In fact, before I started this book, I had little idea of the depth and breadth of history’s personality. History, you see, is actually a scandalous gossip and a born liar, prone to hyperbole and drunken outbursts. History parties hard and says rude things to the neighbors. Perhaps most of all, history is weird, bizarre, and (once you get rid of all the parts that you’re only supposed to know because “it’s good for you”) fascinating!
Think of this book as history’s unauthorized biography (preferably by Kitty Kelley)—all the juicy bits without the historical relevance getting in the way of a good time. I mean, it’s all well and good that the Founding Fathers founded whatever it is they founded; however, it’s tremendous fun reading about how they foundered! Or what about the first balloon flight? It was a truly poignant moment in humankind’s history (blah, blah, blah), but what’s really cool is what happened when the cameras stopped rolling (I know, no cameras back then, but work with me here): The balloon landed miles away in a small village, and the locals, thinking they were being attacked by an airborne monster, tore it to pieces, tied it to the tail of a horse, and paraded the conquered beast up and down the road. Now that’s history one can get excited about! Why? Not because those villagers were idiots (no matter what I call them), but because this totally awesome tidbit doesn’t usually make it into the footnotes of history textbooks. And that’s too bad, because those villagers’ actions tell us just as much about eighteenth century France as the actual balloon launch.
The stories I selected for Bizarre History don’t attempt to make sense of the past, but they do show us how far we’ve come and the long journey we have yet before us.
Just kidding!
But seriously, we can learn from history—even this drunken stepchild of history that revels in our foolish behavior over the thousands of years in which we’ve been taking notes as well as in the silly things we believe to be true today.
THOUGHTS ABOUT HISTORY
(FROM PEOPLE SMARTER THAN ME)
In William Dean Howells’s book My Mark Twain, he recounts a conversation with Twain about history. Howells said, “I wonder why we hate the past so.” Twain responded, “It’s so damned humiliating.”
“The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.”—Mark Twain
“That generations of historians have resorted to what might be called ‘proof by haphazard quotation’ does not make the procedure valid or reliable; it only makes it traditional.”—Lee Benson, social historian
“History is a myth that men agree to believe.”—Napoleon Bonaparte
“History is the distillation of rumour.”—Thomas Carlyle, nineteenth-century Scottish writer
“I don’t believe the truth will ever be known, and I have a great contempt for history.”—George Meade, American philosopher
“Myth, memory, history—these are three alternative ways to capture and account for an elusive past, each with its own persuasive claim.”—Warren I. Susman, historian
“History in general is a collection of crimes, follies, and misfortunes among which we have now and then met with a few virtues, and some happy times.”—Voltaire
“[Some historians hold that history] is just one damned thing after another.”—Arnold Toynbee, twentieth-century historian
“History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren’t there.”—George Santayana, philosopher
“History: An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.”—Ambrose Bierce, writer
“For what is history, but … huge libel on human nature, to which we industriously add page after page, volume after volume, as if we were holding up a monument to the honor, rather than the infamy of our species.”—Washington Irving “The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.”—L. P. Hartley, writer
“History: gossip well told.”—Elbert Hubbard, writer
“God cannot alter the past, though historians can.”—Samuel Butler, nineteenth-century writer
“Most history is guessing, and the rest is prejudice.”—Will and Ariel Durant, writers
OUR FEARLESS LEADERS
“I desire to go to hell and not to heaven. In the former place I shall enjoy the company of popes, kings, and princes, while in the latter are only beggars, monks, and apostles.”—Niccolo Machiavelli’s last words
“Any fool can make history, but it takes a genius to write it.”—Oscar Wilde
Sometimes they were chosen by the people. Other times, by God (or so they say). Or they might have fought their way to the top. However it happened, a handful of people in the history of the world have ended up leading the rest of us. And these kings, queens, dictators, presidents, and more haven’t always acted in the best interests of the people. (Now there’s a resounding understatement!) Sometimes they’re corrupt, demented, or delusional. Or, they’re crazy beyond belief.
In fact, history provides many, many (too many) examples of leaders acting in ways that would not adhere to any societal norms. Now, it’s one thing if our Aunt Ida has a screw loose; that just means we have to keep her away from the expensive china during holidays. It’s a whole other thing if Aunt Ida is a prime minister, president, dictator, senator, queen, etc. Suddenly, her propensity for making her seventeen cats wear miniature hiking boots takes on a new significance. One would think that there were and are systems in place for keeping people like Aunt Ida from running large countries (or even small ones). But if you thought that, you’d be wrong.
So here you have it: the funny, frightening, bizarre, and dysfunctional lives of the people who run the world for us. (God help us all.)
What’s in a Name?
How nice to lead your country well and be bestowed with a nickname for eternity. For all intents and purposes, Catherine was indeed pretty great, and William sure did a lot to earn his moniker of “Conqueror.” But what if you weren’t so great and conque
ring?
Charles the Simple ruled France from 898–922. He was the son of Louis the Stammerer. He succeeded his cousin, Charles the Fat.
Ethelred the Unready (983–1016) gained his name for his inability to protect England from the Vikings, even though he had several years to prepare.
Louis XV ruled France from 1715–1774. At first he was known as the Well Beloved after nearly dying in 1744. However, his ineffective rule, which was a contributing factor to the French Revolution, and penchant for young women (he had affairs with several women, including five sisters) led to his new nickname by the time of his death: Louis the Well Hated.
Grover Cleveland, the only president to serve two nonconsecutive terms, was stubborn, strong-willed, and large—which earned him his nickname, Uncle Jumbo. He was also known as the Beast of Buffalo because of rumors that he beat his wife and mother-in-law (which he didn’t).
Henry IV was known as one of France’s greatest kings … and lovers. With more than fifty mistresses and several children, he was known as the Gay Old Spark.
Bloody Mary, Queen of England from 1553 until her death in 1558, received her nickname honestly. She had a propensity for burning religious dissenters at the stake.
Slick Willie (or Teflon Bill), also known as Bill Clinton, president of the United States from 1992–2000, got his nickname for his ability to dodge the many scandals that rocked his administration.
Old Hickory, Indeed
Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson got his nickname for being tough as old hickory. Well, just how tough was he? By the time he became president of the United States in 1829, he had been in at least seven duels and had the bullets rattling around in his chest to prove it. As a teenager, he and his brother were captured by the British during the Revolutionary War. During his captivity, he received sword wounds on his hand and head for refusing to shine a soldier’s boots. As president, he even survived an assassination attempt. On January 30, 1835, Richard Lawrence, an unemployed and deranged house painter, approached Jackson as he left the Capitol and fired at him. His gun misfired. He then pulled out a second pistol, which also misfired. By this point, Jackson was charging Lawrence. The sixty-seven-year-old president beat the would-be assassin with his cane and had to be restrained by aides.
As badass as all that was, his duel with Charles Dickinson in 1806 was even badder. He let Dickinson shoot first because he knew Dickinson was a better shot anyway. Jackson got hit in the chest, and then took careful aim and killed Dickinson.
SIDE NOTE: At Jackson’s funeral in 1845, his parrot had to be removed from the church because it wouldn’t stop cursing.
Landslide
Charles D. B. King was president of the West African nation of Liberia from 1920–1930. He was challenged in 1927 during one of his reelection bids by Thomas J. R. Faulkner. King beat him by six hundred thousand votes, which is curious since there were only fifteen thousand registered voters at the time. King made the Guinness World Records for most fraudulent election in history.
Jefferson vs. Adams
One might think dirty campaigning a fairly modern invention; however, one of the dirtiest campaigns ever in American politics was the second contested presidential election ever. Thomas Jefferson was opposing John Adams in 1800, and although these two had been friends, by the end of the campaign they were bitter enemies. Adams’s Federalists charged that Jefferson cheated his creditors, robbed a widow of her pension, and acted a coward during the American Revolution. Rumors abounded that Jefferson would burn all the Bibles and tear down all the churches in America if he became president. He would also make marriage illegal and force all women to become prostitutes. One newspaper even wrote that if Jefferson became president, “murder, robbery, rape, adultery, and incest will all be openly taught and practiced. The air will be filled with the cries of the distressed, the soil will be soaked with blood, and the nation black with crimes.” This was not exactly a ringing endorsement.
He are some other whoppers: He made sexual advances on a friend’s wife, had several affairs with married women while in France, and fathered several children with one of his slaves. (His enemies didn’t know that last one was true …) Perhaps worst of all, his opponents planted a story that he was dead. The report ended up in the Baltimore American on June 30: “It was last evening reported that the Man in whom is centered the feelings and happiness of the American people, Thomas Jefferson, is no more.” It took at least a week for Jefferson to get the word out that he was, in fact, quite alive.
Meanwhile, Adams’s camp was fighting off rumors that he was going to marry one of his sons off to one of King George III’s daughters and then turn the United States into a dynasty, with Adams as King John I. Adams was also called “old, querulous, bald, blind, crippled, toothless”—some of which were true! According to “sources,” Adams sent his running mate, General Thomas Pinckney, to Europe to procure four European women for their pleasure. Adams was able to dispel this rumor with a clever retort: “I do declare, if this be true, Pinckney has kept them all for himself, and cheated me out of my two!”
The Emperor of Whoopee Cushions
Varius Avitus Bassianus, also known as Heliogabalus, was Roman Emperor from 218–222 CE. He was only around fifteen when he became emperor, which can perhaps explain some of his indiscretions.
He supposedly entered Rome as emperor upon a chariot drawn by fifty naked slaves.
He replaced the god Jupiter with a god of his own choosing and then married a local vestal virgin, which was a flagrant breach of Roman law.
He liked to get party guests so drunk that they’d pass out. He’d then move them to a room filled with toothless leopards, lions, and bears so his friends would have a surprise waiting for them when they awoke.
He is credited with inventing an early type of whoopee cushion. He would place inflated animal bladders under his guests’ chair cushions at parties.
He married and divorced five women during his short reign, yet he also had time for his chariot driver Hierocles, whom he called his husband.
Needless to say, Heliogabalus was assassinated at the age of eighteen and was erased from all public records. He is remembered today for his “unspeakably disgusting life.”
Dude Looks Like a Lady
Edward Hyde, Viscount Cornbury, third Earl of Clarendon, (1661–1723), had a lot of names as well as a lot of peculiar habits. According to him, all he was trying to do was perform his job as provincial governor of New York and New Jersey. However, he was recalled to England in 1708. Why? His political enemies sent letters back to England that described Cornbury’s shortcomings. Was he an inept leader? Yes. Corrupt? A tad. However, the letters reported something else entirely. One stated that Cornbury had an “unfortunate custom of dressing himself in Womens Cloaths and of exposing himself in that Garb upon the Ramparts to the view of the public.” He would also sometimes lurk “behind trees to pounce, shrieking with laughter, on his victims.” Cornbury also supposedly opened the 1702 New York Assembly clad in a hooped gown with an elaborate headdress and fan—much in the style of Queen Anne. His reply when people remarked upon his attire? “You are all very stupid people not to see the propriety of it all. In this place and occasion, I represent a woman the Queen, and in all respects I ought to represent her as faithfully as I can.” A few twenty-first century historians now question whether Cornbury really dressed this way; however, there is a portrait of him in a dress hanging at the New York Historical Society.
Domestic Affairs
While extramarital affairs seem to be part and parcel of being a leader, John F. Kennedy’s dalliances deserve a special place in history—especially since biographers are still playing the “did he or didn’t he and how often” game. Here’s the latest tally: Marilyn Monroe? Yes, but not as much as we think. Judy Campbell, reputed girlfriend of Mafia boss Sam Giancana? Big, scary yes. Jayne Mansfield? Yes. Angie Dickinson? Most likely, though she’s been coy about it. Mimi Beardsley, nineteen-year-old White House intern (hmm … so
unds familiar)? Yup. How about his wife’s appointment secretary? Of course. Two press aides (at the same time)? Why not?! Ellen Rometsch, prostitute and probable East German spy? Yes—gulp.
Not one to let an international crisis get in the way of a good time (see previous sentence), Kennedy had time for some flirting during the Cuban Missile Crisis. While Kennedy was in the Oval Office with his Chiefs of Staff and Cabinet members nervously awaiting a response from Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev, a woman walked in with some files. Kennedy stopped what he was doing to check her out. As she left the office, Kennedy turned to Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara and asked who she was. McNamara answered, “She’s filling in today.” Kennedy promptly asked him for her name and phone number.
Some researchers contend that Kennedy’s sexual appetite may have been caused in part by the drug he was taking for Addison’s disease, which listed among its side effects “increased virility.”
Kennedy even described what it was like for him to England’s Prime Minister Harold Macmillan: “If I don’t have a woman for three days, I get terrible headaches.”
Poor George
Even though George Washington was a fine general and a highly regarded president, he still had his detractors. It was rumored that he had an illegitimate son, that Alexander Hamilton was his illegitimate son, that he had a British spy mistress, and that he had a romantic relationship with a young women whom he liked to call “pretty little Kate, the washer-woman’s daughter.” A man named George Washington Bowen even claimed to be the son of the father of our country and a prostitute. He wasn’t.
A Slave to Love
Richard Johnson was a hero in the War of 1812, a congressman (1804–1819), and a senator (1819–1829) representing Kentucky. He was also Martin Van Buren’s vice president (1837–1841), and unlike other politicians of the day, he had no problem letting folks know that he was in a romantic relationship with one of his slaves. In fact, he considered Julia Chinn, a light-skinned slave he inherited from his father, his common-law wife. Now, before you begin thinking of Johnson as a brave man who followed the laws of love above the laws of the land (it was illegal for a white person to marry a black person back then), read on. When Chinn died in 1833 of cholera, Johnson took up with another of his slaves. When she left him and ran off with another man, Johnson hired someone to capture her, and then he promptly sold her at auction. Oh, we’re not done. Then he began a relationship with the newly sold slave’s sister.