by G. J. Koch
Well, they were fleeing now that the tank and I were there, but there were a lot more of them than I’d expected. And some of them had guns.
I never liked people shooting at me, but it didn’t bother me too much right now. I was in a tankfloater, and if it had survived Crap Creek, Lake Disgusting, and the Attack Merderians, a couple of laser shots weren’t going to slow it down. However, in order to get into the Sixty-Nine, I was going to have to get out of the tank.
We barreled along towards our docking area, crap, people and anything in our way flying randomly. I had to admit the Hulkinator had been a good choice on Tanner’s part. We had room in the cargo hold, since we had no contraband. Maybe I’d take it along.
“Wanna go into space, big guy?” The tank replied that it was all for space. Good. Never knew when an all-terrain attack vehicle would be necessary.
Reached our docking area about the time we finally ran out of crap. At least, I assumed the sputtering from the rear and the fact I couldn’t see anything spraying out meant the Hulkinator was finally dry. This was good. I didn’t want to take a crap-filled tank onto the Sixty-Nine. She’d never understand.
The doors were locked, and they weren’t double, but I figured in for a planet, in for a solar system, and we rammed the main entry door. Successfully. The tankfloater was really coming into its own.
Rolled in, only to find there were a lot of people here. Far more than I’d expected, particularly since I’d expected none. They all had guns, and they had most of them pointed at the four of my crew who weren’t in the Sixty-Nine or in the Hulkinator. The Sixty-Nine’s ramp was down, but no one was on it.
I chose to be offended. “Audrey, why aren’t you or Randolph shooting at the people who have the others surrounded?”
“We have been hoping you would arrive, Captain.”
“Why?”
Randolph came on the communicator. “Because the sewer gasses make it touchy, Nap. If we hit the wrong thing, the entire spaceport could blow. I figured you’d want all of us out of range if that happened.”
“Good point.” A thought occurred. “Are we infiltrated on board?”
“Um, if we were, how could I tell you that?”
Randolph had another point. We’d tried various codes—they never worked. “You’d sound stressed. Then again, you sound stressed right now.”
“I am stressed. I’ve kept them off the ship by firing at what I can see of them. I’m lying on my stomach, so I can just see their shoes. You know how hard it is to hit shoes?”
“Hard?”
“Hard. I’m terrified I’m going to miss the shoes, have a shot ricochet, and somehow hit a gas pocket and make us go up in flames. Do something, get the others in here, and let’s blow this planet. I thought Knaboor was a bad situation. This is worse.”
“Thanks for the update. Good to see you and Audrey are continuing to make sure I’m feeling the pressure. Keep shooting the unfriendly shoes. Hopefully friendly shoes will be able to run on board soon.”
I turned my attention back to the people surrounding Slinkie. Oh sure, they were surrounding Tanner, the Governor and Lionside, too, but I didn’t want to sleep with any of them. “I think we need to show we’re offended.” The tank agreed.
We kept on rolling, right into the variety of Herion Military who had my crew surrounded. I was unsurprised to see Nitin among them. I aimed for him.
Sadly, he heard me coming, because he turned and tried to grab Slinkie. However, she showed again why I loved her—by kicking him hard in the groin. Lionside and Tanner took this as their signal to start hitting. The Governor took it as his signal to get onto the Sixty-Nine. I hoped the others would follow his lead.
Nitin was doubled over and we kept rolling for him. He managed to stagger out of the way. We followed. I couldn’t go too far, though, because I had to create enough chaos for the others to actually board the ship. I figured this would best be achieved by doing the tank’s favorite thing—spinning madly in the air.
“Let’s see if we can hit Nitin while imitating a whirling dervish, shall we?”
The tank indicated we should. It was my kind of all-terrain vehicle.
CHAPTER 63
The moment we lifted off the ground, I saw Slinkie and the others look horrified. Then they body slammed anyone in their way and ran up the Sixty-Nine’s boarding ramp. I assumed we still had liquid crap remnants they could see. Good, that could be helpful.
I turned our rear away from the Sixty-Nine and started to spin. Sure enough, we still had leftovers. Some of which hit Nitin. I resisted the urge to give a Weshria Cheer or a Zyzzx Whistle. Victory was not yet assured.
“Nap, hurry up!” Slinkie had the com. “We have to get out of here.”
“I want to get the tank into the hold.”
“Are you insane?”
“It’s been useful. More than useful. I don’t want to leave it here.”
“Did you hit your head?”
“No! I just want to take the tank along. Get the hold ready.”
“We don’t have time.” Slinkie cursed. “It’s really hard to hit shoes, even for me.”
“You’re lying on your stomach now?” I started to go to the happy place.
“Yes, and we’re in trouble. They’re bringing in reinforcements.” I looked around. Sure enough, they were.
“Alexander, the Hulkinator has an ejection mechanism for inflight escapes.”
“I don’t want to eject from it, I want to get it onto the ship.”
“Yes, wonderful. Get into the ship, and then, once you’re piloting, we can tractor beam the Hulkinator. But unless you’re on the ship, we’re all going to Herion Military prison, and Major Lionside is indicating that we won’t be given time to say goodbye, let alone escape, before they execute us.”
“Fine. Tell me how to work the ejection. I want the tractor beam warmed up. The Hulkinator is coming with us.”
But before the Governor could speak, I lost control of the tank—the wheel wasn’t responding to me and we weren’t doing what I wanted. The tank set itself down. We slammed against the ground. It was jarring, but I wasn’t too shaken up.
“C’mon, big guy. We’ll get out of here.”
The tank rolled back and forth—it was maneuvering itself, but I couldn’t tell why.
“Nap, what are you doing?”
“Me? Nothing. The tank’s doing something, Slink, not me.”
“I had Audrey activate the Hulkinator’s autopilot program, Alexander.”
“What? Why?”
The tank stopped moving. To shoot the guns I didn’t know it had, apparently. Crud-enhanced laser shots were flying all over, though none went towards the Sixty-Nine. The grid I’d been ignoring for a while now changed patterns. It wasn’t showing schematics—it showed a trajectory.
“Randolph, open the top hatch, and do it fast!”
“On it, Nap.”
The picture changed. It was crude, but it looked like a box giving a salute. I got a bad feeling. “Don’t give up.” The box saluted again. The roof above my head flipped open, and I went flying.
Fortunately I’d been prepared and the tankfloater aimed well. I went up and over, right into the top hatch of the Sixty-Nine. I caught the lip and kept from falling in. This knocked the wind out of me, and, while I hung there, head and upper body still out, I saw what the tank was doing.
It was in the air, spinning again, heading for the larger complement of military personnel, who were being directed by Nitin. Only I could see what some of those personnel were carrying—ground to tank missiles.
“NO! Don’t do it! Come back, you’ll fit in the hold!” Someone yanked me down, hard. “Outland, now isn’t the time for ridiculous sentimentality. Get us out of here.” Lionside flipped me over his shoulder, engaged the locking mechanism on the hatch, ran us to the cockpit, and flung me into my captain’s chair. Herion steroids were quite effective.
“All doors closed, all personnel on board, Captain.” Audrey w
as in the copilot’s seat. “We need to leave now. Estimated time to full spaceport explosion in fifteen seconds.” I heard alarms going off, and figured Audrey had plugged into Herion’s system in order to get as many out as possible.
I didn’t have a choice, and we were out of time. I hit the thrusters and we took off. I turned on the rearview. The Hulkinator was spinning like a champ, heading for Nitin, who was running like a galaxy-class sprinter. The missile hit, and the tank exploded. Which triggered all the gasses Randolph had been worried about.
We made escape velocity just ahead of the fireball.
CHAPTER 64
We were back in space. No Herion Military ships were after us, which, considering we’d helped blow their main spaceport to smithereens, wasn’t a big surprise. Back in space. Just a nasty pirate armada waiting to kill us. It was going to be another great day.
“How soon do you estimate before the pirate armada hits us, Outland?”
“Don’t want to guess, Lionside.” I handed him his communicator. “Go somewhere and see what you can pick up. Somewhere other than here.”
I heard him leave. I didn’t look. “Captain, I will go and see if I can assist Randolph with anything.”
“Thanks, Audrey.” I turned off the rearview.
It was stupid, and I knew it. Getting upset over losing a machine. Only, Audrey was a machine, and I knew without asking that Randolph would be upset if she were blown up. It wasn’t like I’d had a sexual relationship with the Hulkinator. But, it had been my ship on the ground, and it had sacrificed itself to save the rest of us. To save me.
I heard a step behind me. “You okay, Nap?” Slinkie asked softly. “You don’t seem… right.”
I shrugged.
She slid her arms around my chest. My head was nestled against her breasts. I knew I was upset—I didn’t have an overwhelming urge to turn around. Oh, the urge was there, it just wasn’t overwhelming. Slinkie nuzzled the side of my head. “Tell me.”
“The tank… it was… my friend.”
“It died a hero.” I figured she was laughing at me, but I couldn’t hear any humor in her tone.
“Yeah. To save me.”
“It was a Herion Military vehicle. Maybe it wanted you to survive because it knew you were the only one who could stop the pirate armada.”
“Maybe. Maybe it just wanted to go out in a blaze of glory.”
“Which it did. You going to be okay?”
“Yeah.” Maybe. Probably. Had to be. The Hulkinator shouldn’t have given itself up in vain, after all.
“Know what I like best about you, Nap?”
“My good looks?”
“No.”
“Charm?”
“No.”
“Snappy dressing?”
She chuckled. “No. I like that you care. You care about things most others wouldn’t. I know you got attached to that ancient hunk and you’re upset it’s gone. That’s why you’re such a great pilot. And why you’re more of a leader than anyone thinks you are. Because you care when others don’t, and about what others don’t think is important. That’s why I know we’re going to survive whatever this Lucky Pierre’s going to throw at us. Because he won’t care about the right things.”
“You don’t think it’s stupid to have wanted to take the tankfloater with us?”
She kissed my forehead. “No. Any more than I think it’s stupid that we took Tanner and Bryant along with us. Now, stop being upset with yourself. There wasn’t anything you could have done and we’re going to need you at optimum, because we all know the armada’s out there, and close by.”
“You really my girl?”
She hugged me tighter. “I’ve always been your girl, Nap.” She had? Then why had I only scored a total of three actual kisses in all this time? Decided that would be a stupid question to ask aloud. I was mourning a semi-inanimate object, not brain-dead. Slinkie nuzzled my head again. “I’m going to assign Bryant and Tanner their berths and show them their assignment locations.”
“You’re the best, Slink.”
I considered what course to set as Slinkie left the cockpit. Runilio seemed best. If we could get there we could actually fill our magma order. I started the calibrations. Worst case was I was wasting my time. If we could make the jump, though, it might be worthwhile.
As I started programming, I noticed something in the lower part of the Sixty-Nine’s windshield. It was a small grid, concentric circles radiating out, one green dot. As I stared at it, the grid reformed itself into a crude box, saluted, then went back to the circles and dots sequence.
“Thanks for that, babe.” The Sixty-Nine indicated she wasn’t jealous of my affection for the Hulkinator, and that she didn’t mind the company of its programming. I took a closer look at the grid. “Can we bump up the size?”
“Yes, Captain.” Audrey had returned. She seated herself and the grid enlarged. “It’s very crude. It’s running as a separate yet attached program.”
“You want to explain that?”
“I don’t think you can understand it, Captain.”
“Oh, try me. Sometimes I’m not a moron.”
“I don’t feel you won’t understand because you’re not smart enough. I don’t believe I can explain it because your mind is not robotic.”
“Ah. Okay. So, I’m thinking we head for Runilio.” The grid enlarged. “So we can fill that magma order.” The grid enlarged even more. “Audrey, is that you making the grid giant-sized?”
“No, Captain. That would be the program itself. It is an independent autopilot program.”
“So, the Hulkinator wants me to look at the grid, right?”
“That’s my impression, yes, Captain.”
I looked. “I know we’re the green dot. I figure the white, nonmoving dots are the celestial bodies in this solar system, you agree?”
“Yes.”
I stared some more. “There aren’t any other dots.”
“I see none, either, Captain.”
I pondered. The Hulkinator’s sensors had been able to pick up merderians in a lake of thick waste. It couldn’t have been a visual recognition, so it picked up something—thermal, sonar, whatever. That should mean if there was something cloaked out there, it would still see it. “This is sort of like a mini-Ultrasight, isn’t it?”
“I believe so, Captain.”
“Nice. And we’re all alone out here.” A thought waved merrily.
“But, if we’re alone, where’re Lucky Pierre and his French Ticklers?”
CHAPTER 65
I stopped the jump calculations. “I want all crew on the com.”
“Ready, Captain.”
“Okay, gang. I have a couple of interesting announcements. First, the Hulkinator’s autopilot has joined us from the great technological beyond and is doing its best to keep us alive. Next, we seem amazingly un-attacked at the moment. Finally, the Hulkinator is showing me and Audrey the entire solar system. Other than us, there are no other ships out here. At all. Thoughts? And, Lionside, I want your thoughts in particular.”
“Like I told you when you arrived, the entire solar system is essentially locked down, Outland.”
“To the point where they couldn’t do inter-system jumps?”
Lionside was quiet for a few moments. “No. Particularly out Runilio’s way. Ships were getting through to the other planets, just not in or out of Herion.”
“I can’t sense any minds other than those on this ship, Nap. My range can be spotty depending on circumstances, but if there was someone in our solarspace, I should be able to tell.”
“Can you sense minds on Herion?”
“Yes. They’re faint, but there are so many, I can tell.”
“What about the other planets, can you reach any of them?”
“Only if you want me to pass out. They’re too far away.”
“What are you thinking, Alexander?”
“That something’s wrong, Governor. As Lionside just confirmed, there’s been space tra
ffic, at least inter-system. Most inter-quadrant arrivals would jump into Herion’s solar space—it’s just good flying policy. But let’s say you knew the system was having problems. Then you’d go in by Runilio. It may be far out, but it’s a good center of trade.”
“You mean it’s a good center for piracy and smuggling, Outland.”
“Yeah, I like Runilio. And, Lionside? Let’s not play pretend now. You’re on my ship, as part of my crew. Bloodline of kings or not, there’s no way you’re going back to Herion any time soon. Am I right?”
“Yes, you are.” He sounded somewhat regretful, completely resigned, and a little excited. I hoped the excited part was getting to do something out of the Herion Military norm, not because he was going to get to spend quality time with Slinkie or had some great plan to turn on us and turn us in for whatever money he could claim.
“Then, stop whining. Yeah, we’re smugglers. I’ve done piracy without a lot of guilt attached to it. But I’ve never blasted someone’s ship to smithereens or denied them the ability to live to carry good cargo another day. So, stop acting like Herion Military. As of this moment, you’ve retired from active service to join the private sector.”
“Nice spin.” He waited a beat. “Any Herion Bitterroot on board?”
“Bryant, really.”
“I’m thirsty.”
“You’re as obvious as a hatchling.”
“I’m truly thirsty.”
“Tanner?”
“Can’t read him, Nap, sorry.”
“You like him?” I tried not to sound shocked.
“Many people don’t find me offensive, Outland.”
“Name three.”
“Alexander, don’t we have a pirate armada to stop? As I recall, Janz the Butcher wants you doing a job for him.” The Governor’s tone was both peevish and authoritarian. No idea how he managed it, but it was annoying in the extreme. Especially because he really sounded just like my Great-Aunt Clara.