by G. J. Koch
“Can’t say the same, Nitin. Or would you prefer me to call you de Chance?”
“No idea of what you’re babbling about.” He sounded confident, but the men behind him didn’t look nearly so reassured.
“Charmaine, doll, be a doll and go stand by your brother.”
She sighed but did as I asked. Nitin moved away. Charmaine stepped towards him. He moved again. “This woman is a stranger to me.” They kept up the step-move-step thing until Nitin was stopped by running into another officer.
“Oh, Nigel, you were always such a weasel.” Charmaine sounded disgusted. “You happy? You have everyone in custody. Is that really what was supposed to happen?”
I answered for him. Hoped someone, somewhere, somehow was broadcasting this to the rest of the fleet. “Actually, no. You were supposed to run and Nigel was supposed to follow you, with the might of Herion Military backing him up.”
Nitin twitched. “You’re insane. He’s just trying to focus blame away from himself to try to avoid going to prison for the rest of his life for blowing up the spaceport.”
“It was your attempting to murder me and Lionside that caused the spaceport to blow up, Nitin. And, really, is this all you’ve got? ‘I don’t know the woman who looks just like me’? Didn’t Granddad’s blueprint give you more than this to work from? Oh, sorry, it’s Daddy’s blueprint you’re following. Charmaine’s the one using Granddad’s stuff.”
“What are you talking about?” Charmaine and Nitin got this one out in unison. Maybe I just brought it out in people.
I looked around. “Other than our deep-cover spy here, who’s the highest ranking officer with the fleet?”
“That would be me, Outland.” Crissell’s voice came from behind me. Turned to see him on the block of view screens. Someone had thoughtfully put his face onto every screen.
“Wow, that’s almost nauseating, seeing your face all huge and divided up into thirty different boxes.” He looked vaguely familiar. Hearing his voice this way also rang a faint bell. Was pretty sure he’d been the man in charge when I was running through Herion HQ, right before Tanner and I had “met” for the first time. Looks-wise, he was clearly a Herion native. But there was more to why he looked familiar.
“Deal with it. I’m the highest ranking officer after Major Nitin. What did you want to tell me?”
“Herion Military really gives their majors a lot to do. No Commanders or Admirals or anything?”
“Is this relevant? Or are you just stalling?”
“Just making an observation. Unless that’s suddenly against Herion law.”
“No. Blowing up the reclamation plant, a bathhouse, a nightclub, and the spaceport, causing a variety of riots, and kidnapping two Herion Military officers, on the other hand, are all still considered prison-worthy offenses.”
“Well, that’s good to hear.” I looked at Nitin. “Enjoy prison.”
“Outland, you want to expand on your accusations?” Crissell sounded tired and fed up. I could relate. “I’ll give you right now that the woman looks enough like Nigel to be his sister.”
“I’m his twin,” Charmaine snapped. This was disquieting. I’d had some pleasant twins experiences, forever tainted now by the thought that Nitin was Charmaine’s twin. I’d have to work to get over it. Hopefully Slinkie would be up for the challenge.
“Never seen her before,” Nitin said. No one around us looked like they believed him, but they didn’t look like they believed me, either.
I sent a prayer to all the active gods. “Hulky, can you please show the nice people in the Herion fleet the pictures of Nigel and Charmaine we have?” Then I held my breath.
CHAPTER 87
The gods did love me. The image of Charmaine and Nitin together appeared, in widescreen. “Note that this picture was taken at the same time and they’re standing together. Also note the mountains in the background. Anyone want to guess what planet this picture was taken on?”
“Earth.” Crissell’s voice was icy. “And, it’s clear these two are siblings, and, Nigel, it’s also clear the young woman standing with you is the same one as in this picture and, therefore, your sister.”
Charmaine moved away from Nitin and back by me. “Great. So, now what?”
“Now, I’d like to bring Herion Military up on all that’s going on.” I heard groans. “Oh, it won’t take long. Fifty years ago—”
“Outland! For the sake of the gods, man, get to the point!” Crissell sounded ready to snap.
“Too much caffeine, Crissell? Anyway, fifty years ago, Pierre de Chance and the Chatouilleux Français Armada had a chokehold on the Delta Quadrant, with designs on the entire galaxy. They were pirates, and they had the major solars cut off from all trade, forcing the planetary governments to give them seventy-five percent of all cargo in order to survive. Sound vaguely familiar?”
“Lucky Pierre and the French Tickler Armada? Are you serious?” Crissell sounded just like the rest of us had when we’d heard this name. I heard snickers and outright laughter in the background.
“Very. Lucky Pierre roamed the galaxy and he was apparently popular with the ladies, if you catch my drift.”
“Yes, clearly. I mean, he was advertising. What’s your point? He’d be an ancient man now, and no one in custody is over thirty.”
“Oh, Lucky Pierre’s dead. His operation was infiltrated and he had his head blown off. But that’s ancient history.” And I hoped the ancient historical responsible was doing his job. At least I knew he hadn’t been caught yet. “However, he left a huge number of little de Chances all over the galaxy. The second generation weren’t really into the whole pirate thing for whatever reason. But the third generation think it’s the greatest plan ever.”
The pictures started to flash on the screen. “Note these faces, Crissell. Most if not all of them are in one of your cruisers right now. Led here by the twins. I’d like to suggest something fun. Look for a tattoo of an Ebegorn on the persons of the detainees. Nitin has one over his right pectoral, as a mention.”
Crissell barked some orders. Charmaine gave me a look warring between curiosity and revulsion. “Just how did you know Nigel had a tattoo on his chest?”
“Found it when I knocked him out and stole his stuff. He had a money belt on, had to open up his shirt.”
“I’d heard you liked girls.”
“I do like girls! And if I were going to like boys, your brother wouldn’t be who I’d start with.” She didn’t look convinced. Had to remind myself that proving otherwise would undoubtedly not sit well with Slinkie. And, since Charmaine didn’t have a female twin, there was no way she was going to be worth losing Slinkie over.
“Outland, confirmed that all the prisoners searched so far have the tattoo.” Crissell sounded seriously angry, and not with me. For once.
I looked at the officers around Nitin. “You want to verify the tat on Nitin? Oh, and Charmaine, be a doll and show them yours.”
“No,” she hissed. Looked at her. She was blushing.
“Wow, so it’s on the right pectoral area for everyone?” Tried not to want to see how her tat looked and if I approved.
“No, Outland,” Crissell said. “It’s on the, ah, lower back area on the women.”
I opened my mouth to suggest we make sure it was the same for Charmaine and could feel Slinkie’s vulture-glare hit me. “Ah, is yours in the same place, Charmaine?”
“Yes. And I’m not stripping in front of all these men.”
Managed to keep from suggesting she strip for me. Only just. Felt I deserved a reward. Hoped it would be Slinkie. “Fine. Do you admit you have the family crest tattooed on your body?”
“Yes, and Nigel does too.” She strode over and ripped his shirt open. He looked shocked. Clearly, this wasn’t in his blueprint. It wasn’t in Charmaine’s either, but while he was obviously the military brains, she was the actress. All good actresses learn how to improvise.
“Major Crissell,” I said as formally as I could, “I presen
t Nigel Nitin, also known as Nigel de Chance, grandson of Lucky Pierre. He’s been in deep cover in Herion Military and working with his family to cut off your solar system.”
“We were doing a good job of it, too,” Charmaine said with a bitter laugh. “Until you showed up.”
“Well, see, Herion isn’t the only solar system under attack by the extended de Chance family.”
“Oh? What are you implying, Outland?” Crissell sounded suspicious. I reached into my inner pocket, the hidden one, and pulled out my ace in the hole.
CHAPTER 88
I held up the card Tanner had given me. “Anyone able to identify what this is?”
One of the officers around Nitin nodded. “That’s the crest of the Royal Family of Aviatus. The card is what they give to their highest level operatives.”
I looked at the view screens. Crissell was back on in huge-face form. “You’re a spy?” He sounded shocked.
“I’ve been known to help out the Royal Family of Aviatus now and then.” I always held the door for Slinkie and I was always there if she was cold. Or hot. Or in need of someone to guard her while showering. I figured I could count saving her from the Land League goons as help as well. “Oh, there are more de Chances on Herion. You’ll find them by the tattoo, I’m sure. They’re all part of the Land League.”
Nitin lunged for me. “You space-damned bastard!” Interesting to see what got to him. “You’re no spy! You’re a pirate, just not as good a one as our grandfather, and you never will be!”
I shrugged. “I’m alive, he’s not.”
“You’re going to rot in prison, just like the rest of us.”
“Oh, I won’t be going to prison for anything.”
“Just how is that?”
Put my hand in my pocket, grabbed my backup plan. “Candy?”
Nitin sneered. “Those are defused.”
“Yeah, I figured when I didn’t blow up. But thanks for confirming they were Plastiques—and yours.” I showed them to Crissell. “Took these off Nitin when I discovered his tattoo. I think you’ll find they match up to the same explosives that blew up the Crazy Bear and the bathhouse. Possibly the spaceport as well.”
Crissell barked some orders. The officers around Nitin grabbed him. He fought, pretty well, but they were all Herion-born and really he didn’t have a chance. One of them confiscated the Plastiques. He tried to take the card, but I declined. Figured Tanner would want it back.
“Outland, what happened to our two officers, Captain Almondinger and Major Lionside?” Crissell didn’t sound like he was asking out of concern or curiosity. He sounded like he was asking a leading question.
I took a longer look at him. “Captain Percy Almondinger died in service to Herion Military. He’d identified Nitin’s plan and tried to stop him single-handedly. We got to him just in time, but sadly lost him in the sewer pipe. Not the way he wanted to go, but he died a hero, so the rest of us could survive and save the galaxy from this scourge.”
Crissell nodded solemnly. “I’ll ensure he receives a hero’s plaque, Outland. And Major Lionside?”
“Major Lionside also discovered Nitin’s plan and worked to thwart it. Due to circumstances, he was forced to flee the planet in order to effect the capture of the miscreants.” I missed the Governor at times like this—I was running out of official pompous wording. I also wasn’t sure what Lionside actually wanted me to say. “So, to be clear, your cousin isn’t a traitor in any way, shape or form.”
“Why do you assume he’s my cousin?” Crissell was trying to keep a straight face.
“I recognize the sense of humor.”
“Geoffrey, stop being coy.” Lionside said over the com, sounding amused but annoyed.
Crissell grinned. “Just wanted to hear his story. I’m shocked it matches yours, Bryant.”
“I told you, he’s a spy for the Royal Family. They identified the threat and sent in a team to help us.”
“A team of pirates,” Crissell said with a laugh.
“You set a thief to catch a thief, Geoffrey.” Lionside sighed. “Standard procedure does dictate that Captain Outland be detained for questioning.”
“True.” Crissell didn’t bark orders, but I was being eyed by whatever military weren’t dealing with Nitin.
Charmaine leaned closer. “Now what?” she asked under her breath.
“Good behavior should get you out in about ten years.”
“No, seriously. How are we all getting out of this?” Was she kidding?
I looked at her. Nope, she really was serious. “Um, Charmaine?”
“Yes?”
“There is no ‘we’ that is ‘us’. There is you and your family of wannabes, and there is me and my stellar crew of space pirates. The two don’t really mix.”
She gaped at me. “This is your plan? You’re double-crossing me?”
“I’d have had to have been on your side to begin with to be double-crossing you.”
She lunged at me. However, I’d already seen Nitin do it and was prepared. I grabbed her wrists before she could get me. “You’re a worse weasel than my brother!”
“I prefer to think of myself as a sly alley cat who manages to land on his feet. You’re a cute girl, doll, but I’m more interested in a girl who isn’t all hung up on her family genealogy. You’re a little too ‘the blood of my forefathers’ for me.”
“I’ll get out and hunt you down and kill you. We all will.”
“See, that’s the thing, babe. Some can get out of Herion HQ without issue. And some can’t. I’m just betting you and your massive clan are going to fall into the can’t column. But, you know, if you do get out before we’re ancient old people, feel free to come after me. It’ll keep things interesting.”
“Catch me if you can sort of thing?” Nitin snarled.
“More like try to catch me if you can and then look all stunned when I blow your head off sort of thing, Nitin.”
“You’re being taken in for questioning, too,” Charmaine said.
“Was that part of your plan?”
“Nope.” On cue the ship rocked and alarms went off. “This is.”
CHAPTER 89
“Explosion in the docking bay!” This wasn’t Crissell shouting, but someone else, presumably someone closer to the action. “All personnel, immediate evacuation!”
I shoved Charmaine at the nearest Herion goons, who grabbed her and were thusly occupied.
I’d already judged the drop as a long one, but I’d jumped worse before. You don’t sleep with half the women in the galaxy and not learn how to safely jump out of a high window, after all. And I had all my clothes on, which made it easier.
Leaped the railing and did a rolling dive. Happily, several Herion military were kind enough to break my fall. Rolled off them and ran for the escape pods. Dodged the laser fire—there was too much chaos to have to worry too much about being hit.
Fired the escape pods, all but one. It took a little time, but not too much. I’d kept one of the Plastiques with me. As some of the goons advanced on me I tossed it up. “Plastique in the hold!”
Everyone froze.
I stepped into the last escape pod and gave everyone a salute. “To all of the fine military personnel of the fine planet of Herion, and to the entire cast of the De Chance Family Players, let me say just one thing. Goodbye and good luck.”
Slammed the door of the pod as the laser fire came towards me. The pod blasted free. I breathed a sigh of relief. There had always been the possibility that the gods of irony would have ensured that it malfunctioned.
As I sailed away, I watched the Endeavor. The Governor had set up the damage well. I took it as a given that he’d rigged the two French Tickler ships to blow. But it appeared he’d also set up some other explosions in the lower levels. The old coot could move when he had to. I knew he’d used the matter-shifter to escape before the explosions went off—the Governor truly planned to live forever.
Counted escape ships. No fighters made it, which w
as good. I didn’t want any of them coming after me, since escape pods weren’t set up for much, and evasive maneuvers were well beyond their capacity. If I’d marked them correctly coming in, the last evacuation ship left the Endeavor just before she broke apart. The Governor had really done his job well. Had to admit he probably hadn’t lied about his ability to infiltrate the original Lucky Pierre’s operation—the old man was, point of fact, the gold standard. I just never planned to tell him that.
Noted something mildly disturbing. My escape pod wasn’t heading towards Trennile 7. It made sense—we’d been much closer to Trennile Main when we’d been “captured.” Hadn’t given it any thought until now. But if the atmosphere around Trennile Main was rigged unless you were allowed in, the chances of them allowing me in were slim to none. If they weren’t monitoring, I was an unknown piece of space debris, and if they were monitoring, well, the chances of one or all of them in Trennile Mission Control being de Chance relatives or sympathizers were astronomical.
Found myself wishing I’d kept the matter-shifter. Or agreed to a comlink. Or had taken a fighter instead of an escape pod. Not only did I not want to die, but I didn’t want to die this way, and I really didn’t want to die before ever doing the space mambo with Slinkie. Sure, after, maybe I could die a happy man. But not before.
The air shimmered and I was no longer alone in the escape pod. “Nap, you’re a worse birdbrain than I thought. Hold onto me.”
“Never a problem. Great to see you, Slink. What kept you?”
She rolled her eyes, put the matter-shifter against her forehead and we moved. Far less nauseating to shift while holding Slinkie. Perhaps she did it better. Or having her breasts shoved up against me created enough distraction. Certainly was more distracting than holding the Governor had been.
Exited in the cockpit of the Sixty-Nine. Audrey was in the copilot’s seat, and I could hear the others on the com, discussing things like what we were having for dinner and should we try to fill the order for magma or not. Nice to see my crew focused on the mundane when their leader was at risk of instant death.