by Jennifer Ann
My stomach drops. Falling back against the wall, I drop my backpack on the floor to run my shaking hand through my hair the way I’ve been doing since getting on the plane. Why wouldn’t she tell me he gave up his rights? Did she want me to believe they were still together so I’d leave her alone? She didn't call me again after relaying the results of the paternity test. The few times I attempted to reach out to her, she was irritatingly cordial.
Knowing Theo doesn’t want anything to do with his child changes everything. If she’ll take me back, we could have a chance at being happy without having to worry about shared time between here and Miami. We could be a real family. If only…
Evelyn touches my arm. “You okay?”
“Yeah…I just need a minute.”
“Take your time. I’ll grab Shar and Sof to give you guys some privacy.” She squeezes my shoulder, then lets go and starts for the room.
“Wait!” I meet her confused stare when she spins around, feeling as conflicted as ever. “All this time…she’s been on her own?”
“Not even close.” The corners of Evelyn’s mouth spread with a deep smile. “One of us has been with her every day since she moved up here. Sometimes all of us go to visit her at the same time, including our husbands and children. None of this has been easy for Angie, but at least she hasn’t done it alone. Moving here to be closer to her family was the best decision she’s ever made…for her and the baby.”
When she disappears into the room, I bend over, setting my hands on my knees. My heart pounds hard enough to shake my entire body. I can’t afford to fuck this up.
Within minutes, the three women are standing with me in the hallway. For some damn reason, my eyes burn with the sight of them. They’re each breath-taking in their own way, but knowing they’ve been Angie’s rock the past few months when I wasn’t there is what makes it difficult to breathe as I take in their beautiful faces.
“There you are, love!” Sharlo throws her arms around my neck, kissing my cheek before going in for a hug. “By god you’ve bulked up even more since you were last here! James may finally have his biggest contender!”
I kiss the side of her head, squeezing her. “Good to see you.”
Sofia takes her turn hugging me before Sharlo strokes one of my arms. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
With a wavering smile, I shake my head. “Not especially.”
“The fact you’re here means the world to her,” Sofia tells me, her bright blue eyes filled with kindness. “Whatever your intentions are, be patient. She was in labor all night, and just spent an hour pushing a little human into this world. She’ll be crashing soon from exhaustion.”
“Noted.” I eye each one of them while wetting my lips. “Thank you for helping her through this. I should’ve gotten my head out of my ass months ago to pay her a visit.”
Evelyn appears to be fighting back either a giant smile or a squeal. “After what you’ve been through? Everyone gets why you needed time.”
“You’re most welcome.” Sharlo’s lips press against my jaw. “We’ll be in the waiting room if you need anything.”
I watch them scurry down the hallway, whispering and giggling the entire way. I appreciate the way they held back, even though I could sense they were ready to grill me about my plans. Truth is, I don’t know what will happen at this point. Depending on Angie’s reaction, it could go either way.
Blowing out a slow breath and collecting my backpack off the floor, I briefly knock on the door before pushing inside. Among the smell of hospital and fresh flowers, I’m able to pick up on Angie’s familiar scent before she comes into view.
I’m almost knocked over by the force of my heart jumping into my throat.
Even with rounder cheeks, naturally blond hair in some crazy bun-thing on top of her head, and an ugly-ass hospital gown, she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. The puffy spots beneath her eyes tell the story of a long night laced with pain, but the twinkle in her gaze attests to the joy of becoming a mother.
Her lips quiver with a smile. “Ash.”
I stop myself from running to her when my eyes fall onto the swaddled bundle in her arms. All I can see from where I stand is a little pink hat.
Angie has a daughter.
A little girl that will one day be as beautiful as her momma.
I love this baby already, and I haven’t seen her face.
A thick knot sticks in my throat. What if Angie decides she doesn’t want me in her life anymore? I can’t afford to become too attached.
I’m barely able to choke out, “Congratulations.”
“Do you want to…hold her?” From her wounded expression and the uncertainty in her voice, I’m certain she’s misreading my hesitation.
Too bad simply confessing that I’m still in love with her wouldn’t make everything okay.
I drop my bag before going to her and taking the baby. Although she’s lighter than I expected, I feel the weight of the world when her little eyelids flutter open, and she makes the kind of noise only babies can make. My eyes burn as I watch her twist and turn before lifting a little fist in the air and yawning. It’s easily the most adorable thing I’ve ever witnessed.
“Does she have a name?”
Angie doesn’t answer. I look up to find her watching me a hand held over her mouth, tears streaking her cheeks, shoulders quivering. Every muscle in my body burns with the need to console her when she shakes her head, yet I hesitate.
Holding the baby out between us, I lick my dry lips. “If it’s too much for me to be here right now, I can—”
“Please don’t go!” she blurts in a trembling voice. With a quiet laugh, she wipes at her face. “I mean, I know I have no right asking you that after everything. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. Having you here…seeing you hold her…it’s more than I could’ve hoped for.”
The baby fusses with little hiccuping cries, so I bring her back against my chest, watching in awe when she settles in like it’s where she belongs. Even though she isn’t mine, and there’s a chance I won’t see her ever again. The instinct to kiss her tiny blond head sends a sharp pain cramping through my chest. I don’t dare get attached to this little beauty.
“She’s perfect.” I meet Angie’s teary smile and let out the long breath I’ve been holding since coming into the room. “Why didn’t you tell me Theo gave up his rights?”
She tips her chin, eyes casting down to her hands in her lap. “We both know you would’ve felt obligated to take his place.”
I glance around the room, unable to deny that she’s right, and unable to address the heavy thoughts hanging between us. Large bouquets of flowers and a handful of stuffed animals left behind by visitors assure me that she was well loved even after I wasn’t around.
“How long are you staying in the city?” she asks.
“I have to be back by next Monday.”
It’s a blatant lie. Truth is, I bought a one-way ticket. Since I had no idea how this whole thing would go, I told my boss I was attending to a family emergency, and may end up having to move. As optimistic as that may have been at the time, it would seem a feasible option the way she smiles at me with her bottom lip caught between her teeth.
But I promised myself I’d be smart about this. I can’t get involved with her again until she can prove this is what she wants. That we’re what she wants—a family.
A tense smile passes over Angie’s face. “I wish we had more time. There’s so much I want to tell you. I’ve made even bigger regrets since the last time we were together.”
I grunt in agreement. “Me too.” I hand the baby back, sucking in a sharp breath when my arms brush with hers. The need to hug her claws at my throat like a wild animal as I back away, shoving my hands into my pockets. “I’m gonna head over to James and Sharlo’s…get settled in.”
“This is so not how I pictured things would go,” she confesses, swiping a hand over her wet face while releasing a sad little laugh. “You’re uncomfortab
le, and I already suck at this mom gig. I can’t even choose a name for my child.”
I bite back a chuckle. “That definitely doesn’t mean you suck. Didn’t it take Sofia two days to come up with a name for Lexie?”
“Only because Nolan didn’t like the list of names she had.” Her voice cracks when she gazes down on her daughter. “Nothing I picked out while pregnant with her fits this precious little baby.”
I lower to the edge of the mattress at her side, rubbing one of my temples. Regardless of how this ends up, I can’t stand seeing her upset. “Go with your gut and pick out your favorite.” My fingers wrap around the baby’s little foot hidden beneath the blanket she’s wrapped in. I refuse to touch Angie instead. Any remaining resolution to hold back would shatter. “Choose something that has meaning. Seems to me she won’t always look like this anyway.”
“I want to name her after my mom.”
I meet her teary stare, my lips spreading with a wide smile. “I think ‘Anna’ would be perfect.”
“But does she look like an Anna? Is the name too outdated?” With more tears spilling down her cheeks, her chin quivers. “I don’t want her to get teased when she’s older. It’ll be hard enough on her if I’m still acting, and paparazzi are constantly hounding her.”
My heart drops to the floor with her confession. “Kids can be little assholes. They’ll find a way to tease her no matter what.” I grit through my teeth while collecting her tears with my finger, wanting to erase all of her pain. “Whether or not you give her your mom’s name, chances are she’ll be strong as hell like her grandma and her mother, and she’ll tell those kids where they can go.”
“Most days I don’t feel so strong.” Her fingers wrap around my wrist before I can reclaim my hand. Her gaze locks on mine, swarming with regret. “I wasn’t strong enough to choose you.”
“There’s still time.” I give into the intense pull between us and lean my head against hers, cupping her wet face in my hand. Her cool fingers splay across my jaw as our jerky breaths mingle. “Just…I don’t want to rush this. I think the two of us together could be a really good thing as long as we’re careful this time around.”
“I’m so sorry I hurt you, Ash,” she whispers. “I’d give anything to take it back.”
“I know you would. But then you wouldn’t have this beautiful little girl.” She trembles beneath me with a little cry as I pull back to briefly brush my lips over her forehead. It’d be easy enough to kiss her and tell her that I forgave her long ago. This time, however, I want to do things the right way rather than going the easy route. I want her to fight for me. “I’m gonna go hang with James for awhile. I’ll come back to visit again after lunch.”
I tear myself away, rising from the bed and scooping my backpack off the floor. I don’t turn, knowing her reaction will talk me out of walking away.
“I still love you, Ang…probably always will.”
Her quiet whimper follows me into the hallway.
16
Angelina
Seeing Asher after all this time was the cherry on top of an already perfect day, although his reluctance doesn’t fade when he returns later in the afternoon as promised. It helps when my family’s in and out, breaking up the long bouts of silence between us. He doesn’t offer any information about what responsibilities he’s blowing off in Miami, and I don’t ask. I’m merely grateful he’s here. He told me everything I needed to know when he confessed he’s still in love with me. The fact that he flew to New York proves he’s willing to try again.
I don’t know if he made arrangements with my sisters ahead of time, but he’s the one to bring us home from the hospital, sticking around for hours afterwards to make sure we’re settled in. He’s somber around me, his smiles reserved solely for my daughter. I’m oddly okay with it. By the time he leaves, first making me promise I won’t take Anna anywhere alone, the spark of hope that started when he walked into my hospital room has ignited to a full flame.
The next day he appears with groceries in hand. Later we take Anna for her first walk in the new buggy from Sharlo. I try not to let myself get too excited, even though half the people we pass smile at us like we’re new parents. His silence becomes as comfortable as a soft blanket. I don’t push it, wanting his heart to heal in whatever way he thinks necessary. I’m also grateful to have another adult around. My little girl isn’t on any kind of a schedule, and nursing has been a struggle. I’d like to think with every minute Asher’s with us, it’s another step toward mending our relationship.
He visits us every day without fail, whether or not my family and friends are there for a visit. The first time I catch him changing one of Anna’s diapers, hope swells so thick inside my chest that I’m surprised when I don’t burst like a balloon. Not only that, he’s becoming comfortable in my apartment like it’s his home, doing the dishes and laundry without being asked, and putting things in their proper place. Whenever he’s not with me, he’s either at James and Sharlo’s, or sparring at the gym with James and Nolan.
The day before Anna turns a week old, I leave her in his care to attend my first NA meeting, and come back to find them napping together on my bed. Watching them from the doorway, tears stream down my cheeks as my heart cracks wide open. It’s the first time it hits me that I’m falling in love with Asher Waldorf all over again. If I fuck things up this time, there won’t be any getting over him.
Whether or not he decides to return to Miami, he’s already become the perfect father to my little girl. I don’t think he’s actively trying to play the role, either. Maybe it comes naturally since she’s an extension of the woman he loves. It’s a romantic notion, but one that has helped me survive darker hours when he isn’t with us.
I’m admittedly jealous of the bond he’s forming with Anna. Not only the bond, but the way he smiles at her and holds her, his eyes full of light as he whispers things too quiet for me to hear. He finally hugged me the other day, and seemed reluctant to let me go. I ache for more than that, and would do anything for a chance to feel his lips on mine.
His stay in New York extends from another week into another. Time slips away, becoming two months. We’re as comfortable as two old friends can be without being romantically involved, and we’ve fallen into a pattern of co-parenting. Although I’d give anything for his touch, I take what I can get, too afraid to question his intentions. I know he loves me, and he’s madly in love with my daughter. It’s all that matters.
Soon we’re planning for Anna’s christening at the Lutheran church where I attend NA. Until Asher and I started taking Anna every Sunday, I hadn't been to a service aside from weddings since Mom was alive. We’ve become close with the pastor, and both agreed she should be baptized when he mentioned the idea.
Asher stands alongside me behind the baptismal font as every last one of my siblings watch on from the pews. I made them all godparents, figuring it may take a village to supervise this little girl the way my life has been going, so the pastor suggested only the two of us stand up front for the actual christening. Asher didn’t bat an eye at the idea, and it actually scared me half to death. He’s officially becoming an integral part of my daughter’s life. We all have so much to lose if we can’t find a way to repair the future I threw away.
After the service, we all meet in Brooklyn Heights at Leona’s for another catered meal on the rooftop before the bar opens to the public. It’s an entirely different experience from the last time as summer’s in full swing, all five of my brothers and sisters are accounted for, and my nieces and nephews are everywhere like a colony of ants.
Lately I’ve been a complete mess, often crying myself to sleep at night while Anna peacefully snores at my side. The emotional ups and downs since becoming pregnant with her have begun to wear me down. It feels like I’m pushing my luck with Asher, and I’m terrified I’ll somehow ruin everything. Seeing the man I love along with my entire family gathered to celebrate my daughter’s life proves to be a push over the edge of sanity.
After brunch, while Braden’s holding Anna, Katie stands by with a watchful eye as their twin girls fuss over their new little cousin. Knowing everyone else is distracted, I slip away to the bathroom. Somehow I make it behind the stall door before I let loose, spilling tears all over the lovely pink dress Sharlo and Evelyn created for the occasion. Being as sweet as they are, they designed my daughter’s christening dress using the same material as the sash around my waist.
As I stare down on the trendy maxi dress, my lungs burn for air. I can picture them doing something just as thoughtful with a wedding gown. Something I’ll probably never have. I’ll be single when Anna gets married with her “Uncle Asher” giving her away.
With that thought, I completely lose my shit.
“Angie?” I hear a woman’s voice call out over my blubbering. “Sweetie, what’s going on in there?”
Since I didn’t think to lock the stall before I fell apart, Katie’s able to push her way right in. She throws me a weak smile while offering a deep sigh. “The crazy hormone thing is a bitch to deal with when you’re nursing. Believe me, I get it. But what in the actual hell are you doing in here? Today’s the kind of day you should be happy! Everyone’s up there, celebrating your beautiful little girl!”
“Except I screwed up royally,” I say as she’s handing me a square of toilet paper. “This is not how I wanted my life to go. I should be married to Asher and having his babies. I threw that all away because I thought having a successful career would make me happy!”
“First of all, you’re not the only one who didn’t have a picture-perfect start at motherhood. I got knocked up by the biggest idiot in the state of New York, and Shar wasn’t even dating your brother when she found out she was carrying the first baby they lost. I was a hot mess at first because I was only a teenager, and Shar wasn’t exactly on board at first with the idea of becoming a mother. And secondly, you didn’t throw anything away. If that were true, Asher wouldn’t still be sticking around, proudly showing your daughter off like she’s his. You still have a chance to make this right. From what your sisters tell me, he’s waiting on you to make the choice to be with him.”