by Talli Roland
‘And he was with someone else,’ Clare said simply, trying not to show how much it had upset her. ‘I saw them in the restaurant where he used to take me. He was feeding her a piece of food and then he took her hand.’ Her throat closed off as she pictured the scene again.
‘Oh, God.’ Ellie’s face dropped and she reached out to touch Clare’s shoulder. ‘I’m sorry. I can only imagine how that must have felt. But I’m so proud you went to him.’ She paused to remove a sleeping Jonas from her breast. ‘You don’t know if they’re together together, though. And even if they are, maybe it’s not that serious. How did they look?’ She plopped the baby on her shoulder and started patting his back.
An image of Edward’s laughing face flashed through her mind. ‘They were definitely together,’ Clare responded firmly, not wanting to give Ellie any wiggle room to protest. ‘Now listen, let me make up a plate of food for you. I’ve got bread, cheese, and some lovely prosciutto from Carluccio’s.’
‘Wait a sec, Clare.’ Ellie put a hand on her arm. ‘Listen, Graham and I have decided we’d like you to be Jonas’s godmother.’
Clare’s mouth fell open. ‘Really?’
‘You’re always here for me when I need you,’ Ellie continued, ‘and that’s the kind of person we want for our son.’
Clare’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I’d be honoured,’ she said, voice husky with emotion. She reached down to kiss the new baby’s cheek, her heart flipping over at the softness of his skin and the warmth of his breath. In half a year, that small seed in her belly would be exactly like this, cosy and safe in her care.
Clare put her arms around Ellie and Jonas. She might not have a partner, but she wasn’t alone. Although she still ached at the thought of Edward, she had plenty of others who loved and supported her, from Dad and Tam to Ellie and maybe—in time—her mum.
This baby wouldn’t be on its own, either. It would have her. The ferocity of determination mixed with overwhelming love was so strong it almost took her breath away.
‘Welcome to my life, baby,’ she whispered, unsure if she was talking to Ellie’s newborn or her own little one. ‘You’re going to be very much loved.’
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Clare hurried up the stairs and into the already packed room of the pub. Laughter and chatter filled her ears and she stood still for a moment, letting the noise wash over her. Despite the slow start, the No-Kids Club was now a major success. More and more people turned up every week, and if things kept going like this, they’d have to find a bigger venue. Several members had approached her, asking if they could form chapters for their parts of London. Clare had been happy to say yes.
The club was taking on a life of its own, she thought proudly, watching members down drinks as they chatted and made introductions. That was a good thing, because tonight would be her last night. Her life was on another track to those around her now—not better, not worse, just different. Poppy had done a great job hosting the week before, and Clare planned to ask her to take over, at least until her circumstances changed.
Funnily enough, the club and its inaugural members had, in some small way, helped her see how much she wanted solid relationships and commitment. Clare shook her head at the irony of a group for the childless convincing her to have a baby. Never in a million years would she have predicted such a turnout.
‘Hiya.’ Poppy appeared at her elbow, clutching a glass of white wine. Clare’s eyebrows rose at the sight of the woman drinking alcohol.
‘Hello.’ She tried to hide her surprise, but she was too late.
‘I know, I know.’ Poppy took a swig of her drink. ‘Crikey, this is good.’ She sipped again, then ran her tongue along her lips. ‘I just wanted to say thanks for our chat a couple of weeks ago.’
Clare tried to remember what they’d talked about, but the recent past was a blur. ‘Our chat?’
Poppy nodded. ‘Yes. You told me how your stepmother was more like a mum than your real mother ever could be. Something twigged in mind, and I realised that I don’t need to keep subjecting myself—and my husband—to failed IVF cycles. We can adopt and have a baby fairly quickly.’ She grinned. ‘I can’t wait.’
Clare put a hand on Poppy’s arm. ‘I’m so pleased you’re happy.’
‘You know what? I really am—for the first time in ages.’ She sipped her drink again. ‘Until I finally decided to stop trying to conceive, I hadn’t understood how much pressure I was putting myself and Alistair through. And for what? Like you said, being a mum is about mothering, not simply giving birth.’
Clare nodded, thinking how right Poppy was. She still felt sad her own mum hadn’t been in the ideal time or place to continue the commitment to mothering, but she was finally able to accept it.
‘Have you guys started the adoption process?’ Clare asked.
Poppy shook her head. ‘Not yet. We want to give ourselves time to recover from the past few years, to get back on an even keel. In a couple of months we’ll start filling in all the paperwork. I’m excited, but you know what? I’m really enjoying just the two of us right now.’ She paused, glancing at Clare’s midsection. ‘How about you, then?’
‘Well . . . ’ Clare smiled. ‘I’ve decided to have the baby.’
Poppy’s face almost split with the force of her grin, and she threw her arms around Clare. ‘That’s fantastic! I’m thrilled for you.’ And despite her struggles to conceive, Clare thought she actually did look happy. ‘So what are you going to do about the club?’ Poppy asked, looking around the packed room. ‘As founder and all, I’m sure people wouldn’t mind you coming to the meetings, but they might find it a little odd with a baby bump.’
‘I’m happy to take a step back,’ Clare said, surveying the crowd. ‘It’s doing so well now, I don’t think it’ll make a difference if I’m here or not. Actually . . . how would you like to take over organising it for a bit?’
Poppy’s eyes lit up. ‘I’d love to! Alistair and I want to get out and meet people, have a regular social night, you know? And the members are all lovely, whether they want kids or not. We’ll have a lot on our plate when we finally get our baby, so we’d best enjoy our freedom while we can.’ She set her glass down on the bar. ‘I’m off for another drink. What can I get you? Water? Juice?’
Clare shook her head. ‘No, that’s okay. Any liquid I have now will be through my bladder in about ten seconds.’ She motioned towards the bar. ‘You’d better get over there fast before the booze is all gone!’
Poppy smiled, then disappeared into the heaving room.
Clare leaned against the wall, glancing down at her stomach. A faint swell was beginning to show beneath her loose top, and she smoothed the fabric to eye its outline. Even now, it was hard to believe she was actually going to have a baby.
She was about to go mingle when a familiar face waved into focus. She blinked, thinking her mind was playing tricks, but the face remained the same. Edward was threading his way through the crowd towards her! Her heart started pumping as she watched him approach. What on earth was he doing here? Hastily, she let the material fall away from her belly and hunched her shoulders forward, trying to appear more concave.
‘Clare!’ His smile grew broader as he reached her side. She scanned the room for signs of the blonde woman he’d been with, but he seemed to have come alone. ‘Hi, there. I was hoping you’d be here.’ His face flushed and he glanced down before looking up again. ‘I mean, of course you would be here, seeing as how you’re the founder and all. I saw you on TV—you did a fantastic job.’
Edward’s nerves made her relax slightly, and she returned his smile. God, it was good to see him. ‘Did you come by yourself?’ The words flew out and she wanted to kick herself. Why not just ask if he had a bloody girlfriend?
‘Um, well, yes.’ Edward’s cheeks went even redder. He took her arm, propelling her over to a quiet corner of the room. ‘Look, I’m sorry
to ambush you, but I really have to talk to you. Clare, I spoke with Ellie last night.’
Clare sucked in her breath, her eyes locked on his as she tried to determine how much he knew. Bloody Ellie—she should have known her friend wouldn’t be able to resist meddling!
‘And?’ she asked finally, not wanting to give away anything.
Edward’s face softened. ‘And she told me about the baby. About our baby.’
Shit. Clare’s heart dropped. She was going to kill Ellie! ‘Don’t worry,’ she said, glancing down to examine the threadbare carpet. ‘I don’t expect you to do anything. The last thing I want is for you to feel obligated, especially if you’re with someone else.’ Just the thought made her heart contract.
‘There’s no one else.’ Edward took her hands, tipping her chin up to meet his gaze. ‘Ever since we broke up, I couldn’t help thinking we made a mistake. I’d always pictured myself with kids, but sharing my life with someone I love is enough to make me happy, too. I guess I should have said that in my email, but when you didn’t reply . . . ’ He shook his head. ‘I went on a few dates, but I couldn’t stop thinking of you. And then when Ellie got in touch, well, I couldn’t believe my ears.’
Clare nodded. ‘It was a bit of a shock for me, too.’
‘I can imagine.’ The corner of Edward’s mouth nudged up in a smile before a serious expression reappeared. ‘Why didn’t you let me know, though? Why did I have to hear it from your friend?’
‘I came to find you last week, to tell you about the baby and that I wanted to be with you, that I miss you.’ Clare swallowed. ‘But then I saw you at our restaurant with another woman.’
Edward’s brow furrowed. ‘Ah.’ He waved a hand in the air. ‘That was just a date.’ He moved in even closer. ‘I don’t want anyone else, Clare. I want you.’ He pulled her towards him and Clare relaxed into his arms, breathing in his scent. Something inside clicked into place, as if a crucial part of her had been missing.
‘So tell me,’ he said, pulling back slightly. ‘How many months are you? Have you seen a doctor yet? Have you had any ultrasounds? Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?’
Clare laughed at the stream of questions and his palpable excitement. Which one to tackle first? But before she could say anything, Edward clasped her hands again, his face shining. ‘I’m so glad I came tonight, Clare. I couldn’t have asked for more. I have a baby, and I have you.’ He gave her a hesitant look. ‘Right?’
She nodded, joy gushing through her. This was it: her chance to have the future she wanted—the family she wanted—without fear or hesitation. ‘Right.’
‘You two okay over here?’ Poppy appeared at her side, holding a huge glass of wine.
‘Perfect,’ Edward said, still gazing into Clare’s eyes. ‘Just perfect.’
Clare drew in a breath as all the confusion and hurt of the past few weeks—and years—fell away. Leaning into Edward’s warm body, she shook her head, smiling at how things had turned out. Life now was the polar opposite of what she’d thought she wanted, but she couldn’t have asked for more.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Five Months Later
Clare leaned back on the banquette at Carluccio’s, trying to get comfortable. Her belly swelled before her, a vast mountain pressing on her ribs and lungs. She ran a hand over it, marvelling at the tautness of her skin. Even after eight months, she found it hard to believe she was pregnant, doing a double-take each time she caught sight of her profile. Edward said he thought pregnancy suited her and that she’d never looked more beautiful, but the whole thing was downright bizarre.
Still, even the strangeness of it all couldn’t diminish the excitement and anticipation of meeting her daughter. With a month to go, Edward had already starting decorating the nursery—Clare’s only stipulation had been no pink. She smiled, thinking how well things were going between them. She’d never realised a relationship could feel so natural—that when you were with the right person, they weren’t a weight that could potentially drag you under if you weren’t vigilant. They’d agreed that keeping their own places was the best bet at the moment, and that Edward would spend as much time as he could with her and baby until they found somewhere that worked for both of them. They were moving at a pace that suited them, despite Ellie’s constant eye-rolling that they should just marry, move in, and get on with it.
Clare took a bite of her carrot cake, reflecting on how wonderful Ellie had been through all of this. Smiling, Clare remembered her friend’s shriek when Clare discovered the baby was a girl, rhapsodising how fantastic it would be when their two kids married. From helping amass supplies to lending Clare maternity clothes, she couldn’t imagine this pregnancy without Ellie.
Despite all her medical knowledge of the human anatomy, there was still so much about babies she had to learn. But with Edward and Ellie—not to mention Tam, who was bursting with excitement at becoming a grandparent—she could just about do it. Having this baby was the definite antidote to wriggling out of attachments, she thought wryly. She’d even had lunch with Mum a few times, although she’d yet to meet the extended family.
‘Hey, there!’ Clare waved as Anna and Poppy came through the glass doors and settled into chairs across the table. She hadn’t seen them for ages, and Poppy had wanted to catch-up on each other’s news. Although they’d never be more than acquaintances, in a strange way, Clare felt like they’d been on a journey together.
‘Wow, look at you!’ Anna raised her eyebrows at Clare—or rather, Clare’s belly. ‘You look fantastic.’
What was it about pregnancy that compelled every woman to extol the virtues of the mother’s beauty, Clare wondered? Especially when that mother looked like the Michelin Man on steroids. ‘Thank you,’ she said, hoping she sounded sincere. ‘But you look great, too.’ She meant it—Anna’s skin was lightly tanned and her whole face glowed. Italy had obviously done her good.
‘Thanks. I’ve been travelling back and forth between Venice for the past few months and I’m really enjoying it. Michael’s been out several times and he loves the city . . . and listening to me speak in Italian.’ She waggled her eyebrows and the women laughed. ‘And of course the club is expanding insanely fast. I never thought Michael would enjoy being the leader of something like that, but I was wrong. He loves it.’
Clare nodded, remembering how surprised she’d been when Michael had offered to take over from Poppy and Alistair, who’d only wanted to run it on a temporary basis. He’d been doing fantastically well, and the organisation now had over two hundred London members and was spreading to other parts of the country. He and Anna were even working to organise a summer festival.
‘And . . . ’ Anna grinned as she removed a brightly wrapped box from her handbag. ‘We had a whip-round at the last meeting, and the club got you a gift.’
‘Really?’ Clare raised an eyebrow. ‘Wow.’
‘They may not follow your lead on pregnancy, but you did bring us all together. They’d love for you to swing by sometime, if you can.’
‘I’ll try to drop in soon,’ Clare said, tearing off the wrapping and lifting the box’s lid. A smile grew on her face as she drew out a miniature sleepsuit sporting the slogan “Sh*t Happens”, and a laugh bubbled out. Shit did happen, but with people she loved around her, she could deal with it.
‘Okay, okay, sorry but I can’t wait any longer,’ Poppy broke in, her cheeks flushed and eyes sparkling. ‘I’ve got news!’
‘Well don’t leave us hanging,’ Anna said, turning towards her. ‘What is it?’
‘We’ve been approved for adoption!’ She pumped the air in excitement. ‘Isn’t that just the best news ever?’ Her grin nearly split her face in two, and Clare smiled in response. She was so pleased for Poppy. If anyone deserved to be a mother, it was her.
‘That’s fantastic, Poppy.’ Anna gave her a quick congratulatory hug. ‘So what’s the next step?’
‘The social worker will match us with a child. I can’t wait!’
Clare leaned across the table as much as her belly would allow and patted Poppy’s hand. ‘Congratulations. You’ll make great parents.’
‘I hope so,’ Poppy said solemnly. ‘I can’t believe I waited this long to get started.’ She shrugged. ‘I guess some things are hard to let go.’
Clare nodded, noticing Anna nodding across the table, too. It was funny: the three of them had come to the No-Kids Club hoping for a quick fix. Instead, they’d uncovered something else, something they’d never have anticipated . . . in her case, something she’d definitely never have expected. But as she glanced from Anna’s glowing face to Poppy’s sparkling eyes—then gazed down at her belly—Clare knew beyond a doubt that although they may not have found what they were looking for, they’d discovered something even better.
THE END
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
So many people helped this book come alive. First and foremost, a huge thank you to India Drummond, Mel Sherratt, and Glynis Smy. Your wonderful feedback and friendship have meant the world to me. Thanks to Emilie Marneur and the Amazon team for their support and encouragement—it’s been fantastic working with such dedicated professionals. Thank you, too, to my agent, Madeleine Milburn, and to all my readers who buy my books, send emails, and offer such kind words.
Above all, thank you to my husband and son. I can imagine many things, but I can’t imagine my world without you.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Talli Roland was born in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. By age 13, she’d finished her first novel and received very encouraging rejections from publishers. Talli put writing on hold to focus on athletics, achieving provincial records and becoming a Canadian university champion in the 4 × 400 meter relay. After getting her BA, she turned to writing again, earning a Masters in Journalism. A few years later, she left Canada behind and settled in London, where she now lives with her husband and their young son.