Daring Hearts: Fearless Fourteen Boxed Set

by Box Set

The only thing he can think about is

  You.”

  * * *

  Jacey’s words thaw a cold spot in my heart,

  The one I’ve kept frozen for so long,

  The piece of myself I’d given to Trevor a long time ago.

  * * *

  “If he wanted a girlfriend,

  He could have one,” Jacey continues.

  “I’ve seen the guy when he looks at you,

  When he talks about you.

  Trust me when I say he likes you.”

  * * *

  “But am I likeable?”

  I meet her eye,

  Feeling naked,

  Exposed,

  Without a lens to hide behind.

  * * *

  Jacey draws me into a hug.

  “Of course you are, Livvy.”

  * * *

  “Then why did my mom leave?”

  * * *

  Jacey releases me,

  Her eyes filled with compassion.

  “Because she’s selfish, which

  Has nothing to do with you.

  Remember how you brought me my homework when

  I had pneumonia?

  Or when you made breakfast in bed for Rose when

  She turned nine?

  Or that you used to decorate Trevor’s locker on

  Game days?”

  * * *

  She glances away,

  Focuses on something else in the outdoor mall.

  “You’ve just…lost your way.

  It’s okay;

  You’ve had a rough year.”

  She pins me with a look.

  “We’re just waiting for you to come back.

  We know you will,

  Eventually.”

  * * *

  I nod,

  The only thing I’m able to do unless

  I want to start crying right here in the mall.

  * * *

  Jacey stands up, like

  It’s time to leave—

  This conversation or

  The mall,

  I’m not sure which.

  “Just because you can’t trust your mom

  Doesn’t mean you can’t trust Trevor.”

  108

  I’M SORRY,

  I text Trevor when I get home from the mall

  * * *

  Him: Why?

  * * *

  Me: You know, for being lost.

  * * *

  Him: Wanna shoot tonight?

  * * *

  I love that he doesn’t make me explain more,

  That he doesn’t need further explanation.

  * * *

  Me: It’s too late.

  Tomorrow?

  * * *

  Him: Tomorrow works.

  * * *

  Him, a few minutes later: I will find you.

  109

  “DAD, I’M GOING OUT WITH TREVOR.”

  I stop short when I realize what I’ve said.

  Dad’s eyebrows go up.

  “Wow, that didn’t come out right,” I say.

  “I’m shooting him.”

  I close my eyes and

  Breathe deep.

  “That sounds bad too.

  I’m taking his picture.”

  I hold up my photography pack and

  Flash kit.

  “Be back in a bit.”

  110

  “IT’S REALLY DARK OUT HERE,”

  Trevor comments as he

  Pulls his jacket tighter.

  He peers toward the highway behind us, where

  There are very few cars.

  * * *

  I continue fiddling with the umbrella so

  It won’t blow away in this wicked wind,

  Hoping I can pull off this technique before we

  Freeze to death.

  * * *

  Twenty minutes later,

  I think I’ve got the shot I want, and

  Trevor and I are huddled in my car.

  He was the perfect model this time,

  Doing exactly what I said with his hands and

  Feet and

  Body.

  * * *

  I put the flash behind him, so

  His facial expression didn’t matter.

  * * *

  He’s blowing on his hands;

  I’m sitting on mine;

  The heater is taking forever to warm up.

  * * *

  The radio is on low, and

  We’re done shooting, but

  I don’t want to go home yet.

  Trevor doesn’t seem to be in a hurry either.

  * * *

  “How were midterms?” I ask.

  * * *

  “Fine,” he says.

  He lowers his hands and

  Sits so still.

  The air is charged with tension.

  * * *

  I recognize this feeling,

  This awkward anticipation.

  I’ve felt it before with Trevor.

  Before he asked me out.

  Before he kissed me.

  Before I found out Harris had defaced my locker.

  * * *

  I’ve felt a lot of things with Trevor, and

  I’ve been brushing them away for months—

  Eighteen of them.

  * * *

  But now, I hold onto my feelings,

  Acknowledge them,

  Embrace the spontaneity of them.

  * * *

  Don’t think, just react.

  * * *

  “What’s wrong?”

  I turn toward him, finally relaxing as

  I feel the first inklings of heat from the vents.

  I pull my hands from under my legs and

  Rest them in my lap.

  * * *

  “Nothing.”

  He shifts toward me too, and

  The heat I feel is suddenly coming from him.

  * * *

  It’s dark, but

  I can see the outline of his face.

  I can see his hand as he moves it toward me.

  He fumbles a little bit but

  Manages to wrap his hand around mine.

  * * *

  My first reaction is to sigh and

  Close my eyes,

  Enjoy the warmth of his skin and

  The firmness of his fingers around mine.

  * * *

  Don’t think, just react,

  Jacey had said.

  * * *

  I squeeze his hand—

  My next reaction.

  * * *

  He squeezes back.

  111

  WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME?

  My midnight text gets sent late so

  Trevor might not see it until morning.

  * * *

  My heart jumps when my phone vibrates.

  I smile, though

  I try to hold it back.

  * * *

  Him: Do I need a reason?

  * * *

  Me: Yes.

  I mean, I’m not very nice to you.

  I’ve told you no.

  And—

  * * *

  Him: You don’t act like I’m king of the world.

  * * *

  I stop typing, reading and

  Re-reading his words.

  * * *

  Me: And

  So you like me because I don’t act like

  You’re the hottest boy ever born?

  * * *

  Him: Are you saying I’m the hottest boy ever born?

  * * *

  Me: Haha

  * * *

  Him: Seriously, Wings.

  I like you.

  I don’t really want to qualify it against

  Someone else’s reasons for why.

  * * *

  Me:

  * * *

  Him, only seconds later: I want to be waiting for you when

  You find your way back.

 
* * *

  I brush away the tears threatening to

  Spill out.

  * * *

  Him: That’s why I’ve put up with your attitude.

  ;)

  * * *

  Me: I’m sorry.

  * * *

  Him: Don’t be.

  When I get lost,

  I’ll be counting on you

  To find me.

  112

  “OLIVIA, DARLING, I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.”

  Mom’s voice on the message sounds pleasant,

  Unrushed.

  “Trevor is staying at the house again this weekend.

  His mom got a new job, and

  She’s traveling more than she used to.

  I hope that’s okay.

  Your dad mentioned that you don’t like it when he’s here, and

  I want you to be comfortable.

  Call me, okay?”

  * * *

  I delete the message,

  Marveling that Mom called because

  She…

  Cares how I feel?

  * * *

  I call her back, and

  Tell her it’s fine if Trevor’s there, and

  Ask her what she has planned for the weekend.

  * * *

  She sounds surprised that I’ve asked, and

  A twinge of guilt stabs through me.

  * * *

  “Maybe we could go shopping?” she asks.

  * * *

  I wrinkle my nose and

  Suggest, “Movie instead?

  Maybe pizza after?

  Rose will beg for ice cream too.”

  * * *

  Mom laughs, and

  I can’t remember the last time I’ve heard her do that,

  Especially not because of something I’ve done.

  My chest feels so tight,

  So tight.

  * * *

  “Mom—” I start and

  Find I can’t finish.

  Tears prick behind my eyes and

  I suddenly hate this wall between us.

  * * *

  Mom doesn’t seem to notice that

  I’m on the verge of a break-down, because

  She says, “See you tonight.

  Movie date on Saturday!” and

  Hangs up.

  * * *

  “HEY, WINGS,”

  Trevor says when

  Rose and I arrive at the Youngbloods

  On Friday night.

  * * *

  He’s lounging in the kitchen,

  A plate of food in front of him.

  “My mom sent dinner tonight since

  Our parents have that country club thing.

  You guys hungry?”

  * * *

  Rose looks at me before

  Bounding over to Trevor.

  They’re not best friends or

  Anything, but

  He’s always been nice to her and

  That’s all Rose cares about.

  * * *

  “Mmm, spaghetti,” she says.

  “Does your mom cook every night?

  Livvy cooks for us.”

  * * *

  “I know,” Trevor says.

  “Remember I ate with you guys a couple of weeks ago?”

  He places a piece of garlic bread in front of her and

  Turns to heat up her spaghetti in the microwave.

  * * *

  I lean against the doorway,

  Watching them.

  * * *

  “And my mom hardly ever cooks,” he continues.

  “I’m really good at ordering pizza and

  Going to a drive-through.”

  * * *

  Rose smiles at him and

  Then at me.

  “Come eat, Livvy.”

  * * *

  So I do.

  113

  “BUT MOM IS TAKING US TO A MOVIE TOMORROW,”

  I protest when Rose wants to do

  Movie night tonight.

  * * *

  “I like the stay-home movie night,” she insists.

  “There’s popcorn in the cupboard, and

  I brought a box of hot chocolate from Dad’s.”

  * * *

  I sigh,

  Knowing I won’t win against my sister.

  I can’t stand to see her unhappy, and

  She wants a stay-home movie night complete with

  Popcorn and hot chocolate.

  * * *

  “Fine,” I concede. “What movie?”

  * * *

  “Something we all like,”

  Trevor says as he enters the family room with

  A huge bowl of popcorn.

  He’s carrying two additional bowls and

  A stack of napkins.

  * * *

  “You’re staying here?”

  This night is moving toward something

  I’m not sure I’m ready for.

  * * *

  “I have no other plans.”

  He sets the popcorn down and

  Turns back to the kitchen.

  “Milk or water for your hot chocolate, Rose?”

  * * *

  “Milk,” she says,

  Still searching for the right movie.

  * * *

  Ten minutes later,

  I’ve strategically positioned myself in

  The recliner instead of on

  The sectional with

  Rose and Trevor.

  * * *

  She’s happily slurping her hot chocolate and

  Crunching on popcorn,

  The beginnings of Bridge to Terabithia

  Pouring from the huge TV.

  * * *

  Trevor seems content with his snacks and

  The choice of movie.

  He hasn’t looked at me once,

  Hasn’t acted like he’s anything more than

  My friend.

  * * *

  I clench my fingers around my mug of hot chocolate and

  Try to focus on the movie.

  114

  “LOOKS LIKE SHE’S OUT FOR GOOD.”

  Trevor’s voice interrupts my intense focus on

  The tree house on the TV.

  * * *

  “What?”

  I turn toward him and

  Find Rose fast asleep on the couch.

  My heart simultaneously drops and

  Leaps.

  * * *

  I remember the way Trevor’s hand felt in mine,

  I remember how I slowly drove him home after the shoot,

  Holding his hand for a good fifteen minutes.

  I remember how he’d whispered, “See you later, Wings,” and

  Gotten out of the car without

  Trying anything else, or

  Asking me to go out with him, or

  Anything.

  * * *

  He gets up and

  Gathers his mug and Rose’s.

  “You done?”

  * * *

  “Yeah, sure.”

  I hand him my empty mug and

  Half-empty bowl.

  * * *

  He leaves, and

  I can’t stop the thoughts

  Parading through my head.

  * * *

  I want to sit next to him on the couch.

  I want to hold his hand again.

  * * *

  I jump from the recliner and

  Listen for him to approach.

  When I hear his footsteps,

  I hurry to the built-in closet behind the couch.

  * * *

  “What are you looking for?” he asks.

  * * *

  “A blanket,” I say.

  “I’m cold.”

  * * *

  He opens the door two down from me and

  Pulls out a huge quilt.

  He takes it with him as he moves back to his spot

  On the couch.

  * * *
<
br />   I close the closet door slowly,

  Watching him.

  Is his inviting me to sit next to him?

  Share the blanket with him?

  * * *

  I go to the cabinet where he got the blanket,

  Not sure how to get what I want without

  Admitting

  How I feel.