“Thank you.” He’d choked that out. And he’d been blaming these kids. Was his own fracking fault.
Plito shook his head. “I’m just sorry.” He sniffed then blinked madly. “She can’t speak and she’s forgotten everything about you, as far as we can tell. We found that out after we got her using the holoscreen and board to talk. I know you two were in love. It’s sad, really sad.”
“Yes.”
While Plito had spoken, he hadn’t been able to stop looking over at her, now and then. She’d calmed and sat down too. What gave him hope most of all, was that whenever their eyes met, neither of them could bear to look away from the other for several seconds. As if they were glued by something, their inner thoughts, their needs, their past she could not recall.
His heart beat fiercely. A connection existed between them still and he would find a way to break through to her again. Whatever it took. Anything.
“My next question. How do I reverse this?”
He hung his head. “If I knew that, I would’ve done it already. I’m sorry, Torgeir. I’m so sorry. We messed up.”
“No you didn’t.” He stood and hauled the boy into a hug. “I’m going to fix this, you’ll see. Then I’m going to find whoever did this and roast them over a fire.”
The afternoon wore on. He stayed there, organizing via comm, making sure the rooms in Horuk were free of everyone. There was enough crew that they could billet the ones who had nowhere else to go. All he had to do was get her home with him.
She would barely talk to him, let alone touch him.
None of the boys had ideas from what he asked of them. The damage might be permanent, or it might not. He watched Ella work, repairing things, doing stuff that the boys thought was amazing. A few customers came in and thanked her for work she’d done for them. It was inexplicable. Somewhere in there her brain was functioning fine. He was proud of her and so sad a spear through his chest would’ve felt better.
She’d been living in Horuk still, but friends had guarded the place for her, or so he was told. At first people had been angry that she’d caused the poisonings but there were many who she’d helped too and they’d rallied and vowed to protect her.
The people here loved her? Ironic when that was him too. To think of what they’d promised each other in the giddiness of love, and now this.
Silence. Fear.
She was scared to come home with him.
Though he didn’t touch her, apart from one, accidental brush of hand and arm that made her flinch and yelp, and he only sat and talked, she began to see him as less a stranger. The boys talked to her also and he could see it was their advice that she heeded when she at last agreed to leave with him. Except Doc was coming too.
“I’ll leave you when we get there,” he whispered as they locked up. “Don’t you worry. I’ll get her to see it’s right. And I have an idea.” He patted his pants pocket.
The long journey up to the room was even longer when Ella was silent and peeking at him furtively. He couldn’t even hold her hand.
Doc was true to his words. While he went out onto the balcony to give her space, Doc spoke to her before coming out to him.
“She’s okay with this now. She understands you’re a good man. That you were in love. It’s just the stranger part she can’t quite get over, the lack of you in her memories. I get the feeling she is still attracted to you, Lord Rakkel.” Doc scratched his beard. “And that has to be good.”
“Torgeir only, thanks. I owe you three for helping her. And yes.” He nodded out at the darkening sky. “That’s good. I’m going to do this, get through to her. I will not fail. I can’t afford to.” He frowned away the reawakening ache behind his eyes. “I can’t. She’s my bondmate, my only true love.”
“I understand that, sir, Torgeir. I feel I should say to be careful. If this painful reaction to your touch happens too often it will be exceptionally difficult for her to get past that. It will become a conditioned response.”
Torgeir looked at the smaller man and that serious expression and he nodded.
“Also.” Doc sucked in a huge breath then rummaged in his pocket. “This.”
In his palm was a thin steel vial.
“What’s that?”
“Nanogeers. Plito would kill me if he knew I suggested this but here’s my logic. These little frackers obey her like she’s their goddess. They’re hers. I can’t see them hurting her. I’ve seen her specifications. She’s cyber like no one else I’ve ever seen, so interconnected. Not by percentage but it’s like they took out bits here, there, everywhere, and replaced them with cyber then wired her together.”
Torgeir shook his head. “I don’t understand.”
“Get her to ingest these, or maybe inject them. I think even in her mouth will work. Know this though, we do not normally do this. At. All. Nanogeers hate the organic and because of that there are dead ends for them in cyborgs. They stop and can’t migrate farther. With Ella, I think there’s a chance if they get into her they will...”
“What?”
“Repair her. All over.” He looked sheepish, his forehead and around his eyes wrinkling as if in disbelief at his own idea.
But he didn’t know for sure.
“They won’t hurt her?” He picked up the vial. “I thought you had to guide them?”
“Look, normally, yes, absolutely. But with Ella, I think it’s worth it. You see I’m also afraid she may be deteriorating. There are things I think she’s lost in the last few days. Memories are disappearing.”
That sent cold etching into him, like cracks of ice fracturing underfoot.
“Okay.” He curled his fist over the vial. “Whatever I do it will be my decision only. My blame if anything goes wrong.” He squeezed Doc’s shoulder.
“Thank you, though... That won’t work. I know I told you about it.”
He grunted, shook his head. Stubborn.
“Good luck, sir.”
He watched as Doc left. Ella had lucked out when she found these three young men.
She stood in the living room looking out at him – a strong, proud woman who had been his, as he had been hers. Where was he to begin?
This was a labyrinth built over a chasm. If he took one wrong step in this dance, if he faltered and pushed when he should pull, or coaxed where he should command, she would fall and be eaten by the monsters waiting beneath. And it would all be on him. It would be his fault for destroying her.
Of all the battles he’d ever fought, this was the most terrible. There had never been anything that he needed to win so dearly.
And if she fell then so would he.
Chapter 23
Patience. He needed that like never before.
He went inside and suggested they eat. After that he asked Ella to sit in the living room. She was like a frightened mouse and that alone was so unlike her. Whatever had happened had affected her deeply. Ella was no warrior queen, not like Nephelle had been, but she was strong. Only the bondmating cravings had let him seduce her before. Her wariness had been as potent as a wall guarded by moats and AI-directed cannons and cyberdogs.
Did she still fear him? He sat on the floor at her feet, on a cushion, only to be pleased when she joined him there after a minute of fidgeting. More than pleased, really.
“You don’t want to sit up there?” He indicated the sofa behind her with his eyes.
*No.* She was adept at one-handed typing while looking at him.
“I know the boys told you about us, or as much as they know.”
She nodded.
“I hope you believe them but...I’m unsure how to defeat this pain response you get when I touch you. I think an enemy of yours has done this. Someone tried to have you captured, twice before. I think it’s the same person.”
Her throat moved as if she swallowed and he couldn’t help seeing the beauty of her neck. Such a simple part of the anatomy, but he loved her neck, loved kissing her there, biting.
Now he couldn’t so much as trail a finger down her skin. He wrenched away his gaze.
Should he say this next part? Yes.
“We were lovers. Did you know that, Ella?”
Her mouth quirked up. She shook her head and looked thoughtful.
Not fear. Good.
She stared at her fingers then she typed. *Tell me more.*
Could simply talking do anything? Not inside her perhaps, not physically, but it could make her realize how much they’d meant to each other. Logically realize. Emotions were a different problem. If she was still attracted to him, even if it wasn’t the deep love of bondmating, could he use that somehow?
He began to talk. He told her how they’d met and everything that had happened since, as well as mentioning the lovemaking – she blushed cutely at that. He smiled and her blush deepened.
How he wanted to kiss her again, to hold her, to spank her even, for being so careless as to endanger her life. He hurt too, with a ferocity that made him whipsaw between wanting to drag her to him and telling himself no.
He told her of the bad things he’d done. Even the slave code. She frowned and drew her legs into a cross-legged position, pulling a thoughtful face for a while, before she nodded and typed, *Thank you for being truthful.*
“Do you believe me?”
She blinked for a moment then nodded. *Yes.*
“Are you still attracted to me?” Watching her eyes widen, he felt himself teeter on the edge of agony. If she said no he might die on the spot.
*I don’t know.*
The ache inside him intensified then lessened. This was almost the old Ella. He was sure she was denying her emotions. Why? Fear again? Maybe it was time to push.
“I won’t touch you but I want you to stay still while I do what I’m going to. It’s not going to hurt you. Okay?”
Heart pounding he waited for her cautious nod then he leaned in. He went up on his knees, moving closer, even closer. Ella leaned away a smidgeon until her head bumped the sofa behind her.
“Stay,” he said softly. “Stay.” He shifted closer until he was within licking distance of her mouth. Their warm breaths mingled; hers halted, then deepened and sped up. So near. He could see the smallest movement of her eyes and eyelids, see the push of her tongue at the inside her cheek.
The very air seemed to fight against what he wanted. He couldn’t touch her.
“I could kiss you, Ella, but I won’t. Try to remember. We’ve kissed many times. I’ve had my tongue inside your mouth.”
Her nostrils flared. Her breaths became soft and jerky. He stared at her lips.
“You’re feeling this too. You’re aroused, Ella.”
She said nothing though her mouth parted as if she might. A small frustrated sound came from her mouth. Her eyes searched his – the green so light colored that it fluctuated in darkness as her irises constricted down then widened.
“I don’t think you’re scared of me. Are you listening, hoping I will say more of what we did?” Still nothing. He whispered the next words, wanting her to have to concentrate to hear. “I’ve had you under me, crying out and moaning while I made you come. You’d get wet just from me being close to you, kissing you, or saying things, the right things, the dirty things I wanted to do.”
He waited then stated the obvious, wondering if it would make anything click for her. Could he change her by talking? “You’re not running away, Ella. We loved each other in so many ways. We were lovers as well as in love.”
Then he slowly sat back onto his heels. There was such wildness in her. He could sense it, see it in the tightness of her muscles. All he needed was the right trigger. But were words enough?
He wanted to ask her if she was wet for him but was afraid. She had the look of someone cornered – someone cornered, turned on, and confused.
He shut his eyes for a few seconds. “Let me tell you about myself. I’ve never done this for you before. Told you this. This is my past.”
That calmed her and she relaxed, putting her legs to one side. *Please,* she typed.
So he began and he said everything that might seem important to her. Partly to relax her, partly so she could know who he was, partly to get her to remain where she was, within reaching distance.
When he wound down, with nothing more to say, with the sky outside dark and the scent of fires and engines smogging up the room, he leaned in and offered his hand. “I want to try this. To see.”
She watched his hand approach, licking her lips, then she reached up also, stretching, and she touched his fingers.
Her scream, how she curled up over her hurt hand, it tore him apart.
“I’m sorry.”
Words didn’t help. Words were useless. He couldn’t hug her. He couldn’t do anything for her. Frustration made him stalk out to the balcony.
He heard her rise and go away from him, into the bedroom. Their bedroom. Once she was gone, he buried his face in his clawed hands and screamed silently for several seconds, his neck muscles and throat straining. He wiped the wetness from his face and he stayed there for another hour, staring into the night and registering little of what went on before his eyes.
When he was finished thinking, he’d come to the conclusion that Doc’s solution was all he had left. It seemed dangerous. No one had ever done this and here he was planning to do it just to, what, get her memories of him back? That would be selfish.
He stood outside the bedroom door, thinking some more, being sure, with his hand around the vial. The hard steel dug at his skin.
Should he endanger her simply to regain something only he consciously wanted?
He opened the door and entered.
She sat on the bed, half-leaning over an unwrapped package. A slip of paper was in her hand, and her head was bowed as if she were reading. When he stepped farther into the room, she looked up.
Perhaps he could leave aside selfish? This should be her decision as much as his, more hers, really.
“I have something that may help you. Doc gave it to me.”
She typed fast. The holoscreen popped up in the air between them. What is it?
He opened his hand. “This. A vial of your nanogeers. He thinks they might repair you but he also said no one has ever used them like this.” His forehead scrunched. “He thought it could be dangerous too but also said these are your nanogeers in a way he’s never seen before.”
*How do I use them?*
“I don’t think he was sure but he suggested injection, or taking them into your mouth and swallowing.”
She put her hand to her throat then bowed her head over the paper crunched under her fingers. *I’ve been reading. This is a note from me to you.*
It was something he’d missed. But he’d barely been in the bedroom today.
It came to him: she would believe this. Whatever it said on that paper. Please let it be something good.
*It says that I loved you and that she...me.* Ella cleared her throat. *It says that she wanted you to do something.*
The way she distanced herself from the note wasn’t promising. “Ella –”
*Wait. Wait.* She massaged her forehead and he waited, impatiently, but he waited. She met his gaze. Desperation seemed to bring her words into bright relief in the air. *The note. Please? Read?* She held it up to him in a shaking hand and he took it, reading quickly.
Torgeir, my love. I bought this for you to use on me. There is no monster in you. I trust you absolutely, to the ends of the universe. Tie me up, make me yours in the way that you do that I can never resist.
Ella.
Seeing these words that had been written when she was herself shocked him. She had written this. The red rope he’d glimpsed beneath the wrapping finally made sense.
Oh gods.
He let his head rock back on his shoulders and rested the side of his fist on the bridge of his nose, stilling a panic that he’d never felt before. Or not since he had been young and reckless.
That was his Ella. Before she had changed.
When he looked down again, she was kneeling on the bed and she was typing.
*I want you to give me the nanogeers with a kiss.*
A kiss? His heart clenched. If only. He reread the airborne words, twice, then shook his head. “That could waste them. They might go anywhere. You won’t be able to sit still long enough for me to transfer them that way. I wish I could. I do.”
Why did she tease him so?
Those rose-red lips should be his. The way they curved and kinked up. The sounds she made with them when she came. His to bite, to torture, to claim.
Words he hadn’t meant to say aloud slipped out, the syllables breaking with tension. “I...need you.”
She slid her hand into the package and pulled it out, clutching an end of the rope. She opened her hand. The rope crossed her palm like a sacrificial token then trailed over her wrist. The stroke of blatant red spoke eloquently to his desires.
He put his hands behind his back, intermeshing his fingers to control himself.
Must. Not. Touch.
Chapter 24
*Tie me up and kiss me.*
The words she’d just typed drifted in the air. They’d be orientated the right way round for whoever saw them, no matter where they stood. He’d be reading them at this very moment, taking in the meaning, thinking about what he might do. She couldn’t look at his eyes.
To ask this...no, to say this, to someone she didn’t know was enough to make her heartbeats sound like the drums of doom. Loud, insistent, and fast.
Cyberella: Preyfinders Universe Page 16