by Tara Sivec
“Okay, you betcha!” I shout over-excitedly as I turn away from him and walk faster toward my house.
“And Heidi!” Brent shouts after me, my feet never faltering in their quick escape from him. “I think you’re good lookinger too!”
I practically run the rest of the way up the walk to my house, refusing to let myself think about the fact that Brent is still standing where I left him, watching me the entire time, or what he just shouted to me. I’m sure he just said that to be funny, because I sounded like an idiot when I said it to him. There’s no way he thinks I’m good lookinger.
It really is a blessing I’m no longer molding young minds.
As soon as I get into the safety of my house and close the door, I slump my back against it and let out a weary sigh.
“Why can’t I just be cool and light and flirty without looking and sounding like an idiot?” I mumble to myself, glancing over at my laptop and the podcast equipment still lying all over my kitchen table.
I don’t want to suck anymore.
As soon as that thought pops into my head, I giggle to myself, thinking about my podcast and Brent and the stack of books I’d snuck in my purse from the breakroom at Eden Media when no one was looking. I think about how Dave and Jameson told me I had a great voice after the sound check earlier. Their exact words were “enthusiastic” and “not a complete disaster.” And you know what? I’ll take it. At the end of the day, Jameson even tried to make me feel better by saying I was “spirited.”
I need to stop thinking that being called spirited and enthusiastic are insults. I like who I am for the most part. I don’t want to change into a completely different person. I just need to find a way to be spirited, enthusiastic, and courageous.
With a determined lift of my chin, I march over to my kitchen table, upend my purse, and watch all the books fall to the table in a shower of half-naked men and suggestive titles.
Once I start something, I refuse to quit. I started a podcast, and even though it was a mess, I’m not going to quit until I get it right.
Heidi’s Discount Erotica, here I come.
Chapter 8
Heidi’s Discount Erotica, Episode 2
“Hey, all you… three people who tuned in last time! Welcome to Heidi’s Discount Erotica Podcast, do-do-do!
“I don’t know why I sang that little jingle. I have a vague recollection of doing that in my first podcast, so I’m just gonna go with it. Heidi’s Discount Erotica now has a jingle, yay!
“First of all, I’d like to apologize for my initial podcast. I’m pretty sure you’ve guessed I don’t exactly have experience in this sort of thing. Shout-out to Anonymous for telling me I suck. I did. I do. I can be woman enough to accept that. But please refrain from telling me to eat farts, because that’s just hurtful. Now, I know I need to make some changes so I can finally figure out what makes me happy in life. The first change I’ll be making is doing whatever I can to prove Anonymous wrong. I’m not gonna suck anymore! This podcast is going to be the non-suckiest podcast out of all of them!
“Heh, heh, heh, sorry! I said… suck a lot, didn’t I? It would be funnier if you could see all of the books I’ve got spread out on my kitchen table right next to me. I should take a poll. How many times do you think that word is said in one of these books, not referring to a sweet, delicious lollipop? I’m just gonna flip through one of these and stop on a random page to… oh… oh my. That’s…. There’s… there’s a…. You guys! Oh jeez. There’s a lollipop scene. I can’t… huh. That’s very… inventive. I didn’t know you could put that… there… and then…. Holy jeez.
“Okay, we’ll just put that one aside for now. I was going to give my second apology in regards to my heavy consumption of boxed wine in the last podcast, but what’s the point? It’s quite clear I’m going to need to be a little tipsy to get over this initial hump. I can’t very well continue standing in my yard silently screaming for my neighbor to kiss me and being too afraid to do anything about it. And just so you know, when I say ‘neighbor,’ I could be talking about anyone. It doesn’t have to be the one who lives right next to me. It could very well be someone across the street. Or two blocks down. It could be anyone, really. Just because the one who lives right next to me has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen, a voice that makes me feel all warm and gooey, and smells like sunshine and soapy man doesn’t mean I’m talking about him.
“Now that we’ve gotten that cleared up, I don’t really have much else to say in this episode. If you decided to tune in again after the last one, thank you. I promise this will get better.
“Tomorrow at work, I get to hang out with famous people. I can’t tell you who they are right now, but I can tell you that I might be getting some much-needed advice from them. And since they’re both kind of experts at the whole ‘doing something scary because you know it will be good for you’ thing, I have a great feeling about this. I’m actually excited to go into work tomorrow! And to tell you guys all about it!
“In the meantime, if you have any advice for me, I’ll take it! Have you ever tried to break out of the mold you’ve been in since you were born? Have you spent your entire life making everyone around you happy, and you realized in all that time, you forgot about making yourself happy? This is my conundrum, folks. This is why I hope you’ll stick with me. I don’t know what I’m doing, and this journey will probably involve a lot of wine and stumbles along the way, but it’s happening. I’m taking the leap. I’m doing something scary and crazy, because even though it’s scary and crazy, it’s also pretty darn exciting. I’m doing what I want for a change and not worrying about anyone else.
“But, um, if you happen to know my mother, please, don’t tell her about this. It will be our little secret. And it’s not because I’m already going back on my word and worrying about someone else. Seriously, I fear for my own life if my mother catches wind of this. And I’m just starting to live my life. I don’t want to die before I get to explore… you know… the many uses of… lollipops… with my neighbor. Who could be anyone that lives anywhere on this street.
“I know, I know! I’m giggling. I can’t help it. I’ll work on that. Lollipops… who knew?
“Heidi’s podcast, episode two, over and out.”
Chapter 9
“Well, if it isn’t my favorite niece.”
My feet stutter to a stop right in front of the door to EdenMedia and my head whips up in surprise.
“Aunt Margie, what are you doing here?”
I nervously glance behind her, and she laughs at me.
“Don’t worry; your mom’s not with me. Your deep, dark secret of working for a company who peddles porn is safe with me.”
“What? How did you…? I don’t….”
Aunt Margie shakes her head at me, grabbing the book out of my hand I forgot I had cradled to my chest as I walked into work. I try not to fidget uncomfortably as she flips through the pages.
“Unlike your mother, I know how to Google. I did some research on EdenMedia after she told me about your new job,” she tells me, stopping on a page in the middle and scanning the words. “Oh, hey! Look what they’re doing with a lollipop. Who knew?”
Snatching the book back out of her hands, I shove it into my purse where I should have put it when I left my house this morning. I blame my lack of discretion on the small amount of sleep I got last night. All because of that stupid book. Or maybe I should say, that absolutely amazing, wonderful, intense book that I couldn’t put down until I’d read the last word.
“What are you doing here? I mean, I’m happy to see you and all, but Mom still doesn’t exactly know what goes on here. I’m going to tell her; I just need some time,” I quickly explain.
“Some time? Kiddo, you’re going to need at least thirty years for your mom’s head to stop exploding once she finds out.” Aunt Margie chuckles. “I’m proud of you, if it’s any consolation. You deserve a little excitement in your life. Don’t worry; I won’t say a word.”
&
nbsp; My mom and my aunt are as close as sisters can be, considering they are polar opposites. And even though I don’t have a sister, I do understand the bond they share and how, under normal circumstances, my Aunt Margie’s loyalty would always go to my mom first. If my life was in jeopardy or I was doing something illegal, I know my aunt wouldn’t hesitate to tell my mom everything. But since I’d never get myself into a situation like that, it’s nice to have someone on my side who will keep my secrets. Like that time the summer after my senior year of high school, right before I left for college, when I told my mom I was spending the night at my aunt’s house, and instead, I spent the night with my boyfriend and lost my virginity. That’s a secret I know Aunt Margie will take to her grave. Not just because of the personal and private nature of the situation, but because if my mom knew Margie lied for me to do something like that, we’d both be dead.
“I’m definitely getting plenty of excitement working here,” I tell her. “These books…. I had no idea. I thought they were just about the dirty stuff with no storyline and no plot, but they aren’t. They’re so much more. The women in these books, they take charge of their own lives and learn how to ask for what they want. It’s so empowering.”
After I finished reading the book at four this morning, I lay there in bed, staring up at the ceiling for another hour, feeling like the biggest fool. I made fun of books like this. I scoffed at the covers and rolled my eyes at the summaries. I’ve been embarrassed about telling people what kind of books they record at EdenMedia, because I know they’ll make the same snap judgements. Now, I just want to tell everyone I know to read these stories and see for themselves that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. For the first time since I accepted this job, I’m proud of where I work and the kind of books they record here, and I want everyone to know it.
Everyone except my mother, that is.
“Heidi! You get prettier every time I see you!”
My excitement and courage vanishes like a puff of smoke when Sharleen Donaldson walks up next to my aunt with a huge smile on her face, even though one side is puffy and slightly droopy.
“Did I forget to mention I’m here because I drove Sharleen to the dentist next door to get a root canal?” Aunt Margie muses.
I’ve known Sharleen since birth. She’s one of my mom and aunt’s closest friends, and out all of the people I could possibly run into outside of work, of course it had to be her. I’d almost prefer my mom at this point. Sharleen is a wonderful woman, but she’s also the biggest source of gossip in Waconia. When you go to Sharleen’s house in the summer, nine times out of ten, she’ll be out in her backyard, chatting to a group of neighbors over the fence. If it’s in the dead of winter, her home phone is permanently attached to her ear.
If you want to know who stole Roberta Markum’s famous apple pie recipe and won first place with it at the county fair, ask Sharleen.
If you think your husband is having an affair, Sharleen can tell you the exact date, time, and location of each time he’s been seen in public with someone who isn’t you, along with what the other woman was wearing, her date of birth, and the last three jobs she held.
If you want to know why there was a sheriff’s car parked along the curb of someone’s home last Friday night, Sharleen will know which deputy it was, how long he stayed in the house, and what kind of cookie bars he had in a Tupperware container when he left.
If a stray cow was found walking along County Road 10, Sharleen can tell you how long it’s been walking, if it stopped to eat anything, what farmer it belongs to, which part of the farmer’s fence was missing a few boards, and the reason for the great cow escape.
“Is this where you’re working now? EdenMedia, huh? Your mom told me you got a new job in Eden Prairie, but she didn’t know the name of the company,” Sharleen says with a lopsided smile as she looks at the sign hanging on the building behind me. “My face feels funny. Do you hear bells? Margie, is there a bell ringing somewhere?”
My aunt pats Sharleen on the back and leans toward me, lowering her voice.
“Sharleen had a lot of laughing gas and it hasn’t worn off yet. I doubt she’ll even remember this conversation.” Aunt Margie gives me a wink.
Thank heaven for small favors.
“So, Sharleen, did you hear about—”
“EdenMedia, EdenMedia…” Sharleen mutters to herself, cutting me off, still staring at the company sign behind me. “Wait. I’ve heard of this company. They record books. They record… oh. Oh! Ooohhh!”
I actually see the lightbulb go on in her brain, and no amount of laughing gas will deter the woman at this point. This does not bode well for me.
“Heidi Larson! Does your mother know what they do here?”
She speaks in a loud stage whisper, bringing her hand up to the side of her face and shielding it, refusing to make eye contact with my place of employment now that she’s put two and two together.
I resent that she’s treating me like a child, but even more annoyed that everyone in town seems to know about EdenMedia but me.
“I mean, of course Peggy knows what they do here,” she continues, her hand still blocking her face from the EdenMedia sign, like it will jump down from above the door and rip off all her clothes if she even glances at it. “It’s not like you’d take a brand new job and not tell her all about it. It’s a very… interesting job. Margie, how do you feel about your niece working here?”
Sharleen looks over at my aunt, and the two of us share a smile, because we know exactly what’s going to happen next. Minnesotans are nice, to a fault. Even if they don’t agree with something, they will find the nicest way to state that. If they see a movie, absolutely hated it, and someone asks them what they thought of it, they will use such phrases as “It was… interesting” or “Well, it was… different.” Then, they wait and see what the asker of the question’s opinion is to know whether or not they can word-vomit how they really feel or if they need to continue being diplomatic. They do this so they don’t put their foot in their mouth by saying something that might not be a popular opinion and come back to bite them later on.
“I think it’s wonderful,” Aunt Margie states with a smile. “Heidi’s going to have so much fun working here, and that’s just what she needs.”
“Oh, yes! Working here will definitely be… different for her,” Sharleen says with a nod while I cover up a snort-giggle with a loud cough. “The books they record here are… interesting. I mean, I’ve never read one, of course, but I’ve heard they’re… unique.”
“You should take one out for a test drive, Sharleen. I bet Heidi has a few stashed in that purse of hers she could lend you,” Aunt Margie suggests with a wink in my direction.
I hug my purse tighter to my body as Sharleen stares at it with her droopy, Novocain-filled mouth partially open in shock.
“She’s just kidding!” I reassure Sharleen. “No books here. Nope. None whatsoever. It really is a great job. I’m just working as an administrative assistant at the front desk, so I don’t even know about those books she speaks of. I just sit at my desk with my head down and do my work. I don’t hear anything that goes on in the recording booths. No clue about anything but answering the phones and replying to emails. It’s actually pretty boring. Just your typical office job.”
Oh, jeez. I am the absolute worst. What happened to all that pride and excitement I had when I stepped out of my car just a little bit ago?
“Well, that’s nice. I’m sure this job will be good for you then. I bet you’ll learn a lot of valuable life lessons,” Sharleen says with a nod.
A car door slams in the parking lot and we all turn when we hear the sound of a man’s voice.
I can’t stop the smile that lights up my face when I see Jameson holding his cell phone to his ear as he walks in our direction with his head down. If anything will change Sharleen’s opinion of where I work and possibly put in a good word with my mom, it will be the fact that she can brag to everyone that she met a real-li
fe movie star and it was all because of me.
“I already recorded that chapter yesterday,” Jameson speaks into his phone as he gets closer and closer to us. “Today is the anal sex chapter. I did a quick read-through of it over coffee this morning. I was pleasantly surprised to see the use of lube. And the missionary position. I’ve read way too many scenes where the butt stuff is done doggy-style and the guy just slams his dick right in there without any warning.”
Oh, hey there. Did someone mention valuable life lessons?
Jameson’s head lifts up when he steps onto the sidewalk a few feet away from us, and he gives me a small wave when he sees me before glancing at the women standing next to me.
Sharleen’s eyes are so wide they’re on the verge of popping out of her head, and her hand is pressed tightly to her throat, like she’s clutching an imaginary set of pearls after what she just heard. Aunt Margie is practically panting like a dog as she blatantly looks him up and down, probably taking mental notes about the things that Jameson said and compiling a list of questions for him on the subject. Me? I’m just standing here cringing.
Jameson quickly ends his call and shoves his phone in his back pocket when he gets next to me, giving Sharleen and Aunt Margie a heart-stopping smile as he gently bumps his shoulder against mine in greeting.
“Heidi, why didn’t you tell me you had two gorgeous sisters?” Jameson asks.
Aunt Margie snorts, because she knows he’s full of crap, but Sharleen actually titters with glee, her cheeks blushing as she brings her hands up to her head and tries to neaten her hair with her palms.
I make quick introductions, watching in fascination as Sharleen giggles through her handshake with Jameson, and clearing my throat loudly to get my aunt to let go of his hand after clutching it for an uncomfortable length of time.
“Well, we better get inside. Lots of work to do,” I say with a smile, grabbing Jameson’s elbow and pulling him toward the door of EdenMedia before Aunt Margie thinks it would be a great idea to ask him about the phone conversation we overheard.