by Tara Sivec
All I can do is sit here and blink at her with my mouth wide open.
“It’s fine! You only have to say pussy twice and you don’t even have to say moist, because I would never do that to my readers.”
Chapter 16
Heidi’s Discount Erotica, Episode 5
“Welcome to Heidi’s Discount Erotica, do-do-do! I’m just going to be honest with you guys, okay? I’m only recording this podcast right now, because I’m procrastinating in a big way. It’s not that I don’t love pouring my heart out and giving intimate details about my life to complete strangers. Okay, that sounded sarcastic. I promise I wasn’t being sarcastic! Talking to you guys really has been helping. Especially since I can’t see your faces and I can pretend like you’re not really there. But now, I have to put all this podcast/new job stuff to the test and see if it really has helped. Are you guys sitting down? You should probably be sitting down. You can’t see me right now, obviously, but I am coming to you from the floor of my living room. I might be in the fetal position. Who’s to say? I might have also snuck a tiny glass of wine. I know, I know! I promised to do sober podcasts from now on, but don’t worry. It’s just one glass to calm my nerves, nothing crazy. I won’t be drunk-texting anyone or making stupid decisions. I will, however, be asking my neighbor out on a date.
“Oh jeez! I think I might be hyperventilating. Or maybe it’s a heart attack. My left side is getting numb and I’m a little bit lightheaded. That could be because I’m curled up on the floor on my left side, and hardwood floors are super-uncomfortable to lie on, but whatever.
“I should buy a nice, fluffy area rug for in here. Maybe one with some teal accents to go with the really pretty teal vase on my coffee table that my grandma gave me as a housewarming present… the teal vase I knocked over and smashed into a million pieces when I dramatically flung myself onto the floor an hour ago and my foot kicked the table. It was an awesome vase. A Red Wing pottery vase from the 1930s that my grandmother got as a wedding present and gave to me and I ruined it! It was so pretty with scalloped edges at the top and a soft teal glaze, and I broke it. Maybe I should look into a new coffee table as well. Something smaller.
“Uuugh! Focus, Heidi! You can do this. It’s no big deal. He’s just a guy. Just a regular guy who likes lemonade. It’s like some unwritten rule that guys who like lemonade aren’t jerks. I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere. And he is a nice guy. It’s not like he’ll point and laugh at me when I ask him out, right? Right. He won’t. Because he’s sweet and thoughtful and really good-looking.
“Oh no. Now I’m starting to panic again. You guys, he’s so handsome it’s ridiculous. It’s also intimidating. No one should look that good every day. It’s not fair. Maybe I could request that he puts a bag over his head while I talk to him.
“Okay, I need to get serious here. My mom has called me thirty-five times since I started recording this podcast to see if I asked him out yet. Oh, and she knows about this podcast now, so that’s super-fun. That was me being sarcastic. Thankfully, she replied to a text I sent her earlier by posting the answer on her Facebook profile, because she doesn’t understand how technology works. So, I’m guessing the chances of her actually finding this podcast and listening to it are slim to none.
“And that brings me to the romance novel excerpt I’ve been tasked to read today. Just like the other excerpts, I’m going in blind, and I haven’t looked at it yet. Unfortunately, I know what it’s about, but it’s fine. I’m just gonna go for it, and it will be perfect. So, here we go.
“‘Tell me what you want, baby, he says to her in a deep voice filled with need.
His hips jerk forward between her thighs, and she feels his hard… his hard… shefeelshishardcockslideagainsther.
‘I want your mouth on my…’ Um. ‘I want your mouth on my…’ One word, two syllables, starts with the letter P, sort of rhymes with footsie. ‘I need to feel your lips and your tongue between my legs. Please, she begs, as his palm slowly glides up her bare thigh. Make me…’ Opposite of the word go.
“Whew! That was kind of hot. And hey, I said a dirty word! You might have missed it, since I said it really fast, but I did it and I didn’t die! Wow, this is very exciting. I feel like I can do anything right now. You know what? I’m gonna march right over to my neighbor’s house and I am going to ask him out on a date! I’m gonna do it, and I’m not going to be afraid, gosh darnit!
“Okay, wish me luck. This is Heidi’s Discount Erotica, signing off.”
Chapter 17
“YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT? YOU WANT ME TO COME IN HARDER? OH, I CAN COME IN HARDER. OH MY GOD, PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN AND GET OUT OF MY WAY!”
My fist hovers near Brent’s door, when I hear the shouting coming from the other side. Along with a lot of grunting and heavy panting.
“WILL YOU STOP TALKING ALREADY? I CAN’T FOCUS AND GET THIS DONE IF YOU DON’T STOP TALKING!”
More loud grunting and some muffled words I can’t make out come from inside Brent’s house, so I do what any rational woman would do in my position. I move in closer and press my ear against the door. Which is a huge mistake. Brent chooses that moment to start shouting again.
“LEFT TO RIGHT! LEFT TO RIGHT! GOD, YOU SUCK AT THIS! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! MOVE FASTER! I CAN’T FINISH IF YOU DON’T MOVE FASTER! STOP TELLING ME TO PULL OUT!”
I jump back from the door like it’s on fire and just burned the side of my face. Going by how hot my ears are right now from what I heard, I’m assuming my ears really are going up in flames.
“WHAT AM I STUCK ON? OOOH, DOUBLE PUMP IS BACK, BABY!”
Oh my word. What is it that I’m currently listening to? I have to say, I’ve been feeling very empowered lately reading erotic romances novels for my podcast. They’re sexy and have such beautiful love stories woven in between the dirty scenes I’ve grown to love. But this…. I’ve never read anything like what’s happening on the other side of this door. Is Brent into the rough stuff? Is this how that BDSM thing works?
What if he’s with Laura Newberg and he finally decided to take her up on her raincheck offer because I’ve been too much of a chicken to ask him out?
“I NEED SOME WOOD! THERE WE GO! I AM A BEAST!”
My eyes widen so much I’m surprised they don’t pop right out of my head. I quickly glance side-to-side nervously, hoping no one else in the neighborhood can hear what’s going on in Brent’s house. It’s bad enough I can hear what’s going on. Poor Laura.
“Hey, Miss Larson.”
“Holy krikey!” I shout as I whirl around when I hear the quiet murmur of my name.
Not only are my ears on fire; my entire face feels like I just submerged it into a tub of boiling water when I see sixteen-year-old Justin Holcomb standing on the top step of Brent’s front porch. I used to babysit him when I was in high school. I’ve watched him grow into a smart, well-mannered young man who has been mowing my parents’ lawn for the last three years. And he just caught me spying on my neighbor, and most likely heard all the unmentionable things being shouted through the door behind me.
“Oh hey there, Justin! How’s it going? Are you good? You look good! Boy, it’s great to see you. How are your parents? How’s school? It’s a nice night we’re having, isn’t it? I was just standing here on Mr. Miller’s front porch, because he’s got a better view of the… night. That we’re having. Which is nice. Isn’t it nice? We should go and leave Mr. Miller to his… nice, quiet night, where I’m positive he’s having a peaceful evening all by himself.”
“I AM NOT GOING BACK IN THERE! YOU ARE TRASH!” Brent shouts from inside.
Because of course he does. He couldn’t finish his dirty business quietly, could he?
“Okay, well, we should probably go so we don’t bother him!” I chirp, quickly moving forward in the hopes that Justin will turn and run before what’s happening inside that house corrupts either one of us more than it already has. But, Justin doesn’t budge.
“I just gotta deliver Mr. Mil
ler’s pizza he ordered,” Justin informs me, lifting the cardboard box up between us that I didn’t notice he was holding.
Seriously? Pizza? Well, I guess all that grunting and shouting builds up an appetite.
I snatch the box out of Justin’s hand and toss it behind me, hearing it land with a thunk on the porch right in front of the door.
“Pizza’s delivered!” I cheer. “Okay, let’s go.”
As soon as I wrap my hand around Justin’s arm to try to pull him with me down the steps, ignoring the shocked look on his face at what I just did, I hear the unmistakable sound of the lock on the door being disengaged and the creak of it opening.
“Heidi?”
As always, the deep, raspy sound of my name coming from Brent makes my stomach flip-flop. But then I remember what a dirty bird he is and tell my stomach to calm the heck down. I really don’t want to turn around. As much as I’ve imagined seeing him half-dressed—okay, fine, not dressed at all—and sweaty, with his hair all mussed up, now that I know the kind of things he’s into and what led him to look that way, it doesn’t seem so appealing. So, I keep my back to him, because that’s completely normal.
“Hey there, Brent! Nice night we’re having!” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I want to smack my own face. He might be having a nice night, but mine has quickly turned into a dumpster fire. A dumpster fire that no amount of showering will cleanse me from.
I hear him chuckle softly and I roll my eyes.
“Sorry about your pizza, Mr. Miller.” Justin shrugs, pointing around me to where I assume the box landed. “She just grabbed it out of my hand and chucked it on the porch. I’m sure it’s still good.”
Traitor.
All of a sudden, I feel the heat from Brent’s body as he steps out of his doorway and stands right next to me, his shoulder bumping against mine. Out the corner of my eye, I see him lean forward and hand Justin some money. I also see that he is not half-dressed, nor anywhere near naked. He’s wearing a T-shirt and jeans and a baseball cap backward on his head. He looks adorable and not at all like he just gave Laura Newberg the business very loudly and rudely.
“Thanks, man. Have a good evening,” Brent tells Justin.
The two of them share a wave, while Justin looks at me like I’m a crazy person before turning and heading down the walkway to his car parked against the curb.
Brent and I stand next to each other in awkward silence as we watch Justin start up his car and pull away. Not wanting to make things even more awkward by talking, I start to move down off the porch, but Brent gently wraps his hand around my upper arm to halt my progress.
“Hey, look at me,” he requests softly.
I have no choice but to do as he asks. As much as I want to run and flee from the scene of the sex crime, it would be extremely rude. Especially since he probably knows I could hear everything that was going on. People five miles away could probably hear what was going on. When I slowly turn around, I make the mistake of looking right up into his gorgeous blue eyes instead of just some random spot over his shoulder. My legs turn into jelly, and I open my mouth to explain my presence in his yard, but all that comes out is a tiny squeak.
“Oh my God,” he mutters, finally letting go of my arm to scrub his hand down his face, mostly likely trying to rub away the mortification that he knows that I know what he did.
“It’s fine! Everything’s fine! No big deal! I’m totally not judging you! Whatever you’re into is fine with me!”
He lets out a soft, embarrassed laugh and shakes his head at me.
“I swear to you, it’s not what it sounded like. Oh fuck. I can only imagine what you heard. I was… a little into what I was doing, and I kind of lost track of—”
“Nope, don’t wanna know!”
“Seriously, Heidi. I wasn’t…. I’m not…. Here, come with me and I’ll show you.”
I don’t even have time to insist that it’s all good, and if he cares about my mental well-being at all, he’ll just let me run home as fast as I can and forget this ever happened. He grabs one of my hands, laces his fingers through mine, and pulls me across his porch. He scoops up the pizza with his free hand as he moves, stopping when we get a few feet inside his home. I’m so busy calling myself a fool for letting the feel of his hand wrapped around mine make me forget the fact that his sexual appetite is a whole lot dirtier than I ever expected that I barely notice what he’s pointing to when we get inside.
A giant, flat-screened television mounted on the wall in front of his couch, paused on what looks like some kind of video game, with cords coming out of it and hooked up to a PlayStation resting on his coffee table in the middle of the room.
“So, this is where I tell you that I’m a huge dork,” Brent admits softly as I stare at his set-up. “I’m a twenty-nine-year-old man who spends most of his free time playing Fortnite with teenagers. I know, I know, I sounded like a complete jerk, screaming at them like that, but if you could only hear the shit that comes out of their mouths, your head would explode. Those little bastards are vicious. And they beat me every damn time. It’s pathetic.”
Laughter bubbles out of my mouth, and it takes everything in me not to pump my fists in the air and shout, “Thank you, Jesus!” I turn to face him and the butterflies are back, flopping around in my stomach when his hand still wrapped around mine gives me a gentle squeeze. It’s then that I notice he’s got a headset wrapped around his neck, which would explain why his voice was the only one I heard shouting through the door.
“You must think I am such a loser. I swear I don’t spend all my free time arguing with kids. I have other hobbies. I like to read, and I like movies, and I—”
“Go on a date with me,” I blurt.
I gasp when I realize what I just said and how easily it came out of my mouth. But he sounded so embarrassed and sweet, and I couldn’t let him keep going, thinking I was silently making fun of him or judging him or anything. I mean, I was judging him, but that was earlier, when I was younger and more naïve. I really feel like I’ve grown as a person in the last few minutes.
“Okay,” Brent easily replies, with a crooked smile on his face showcasing a dimple in his cheek.
“Okay,” I repeat, with the biggest, goofiest smile on my face. “So, I’ll just go then and let you finish your game and your pizza.”
Even though I want to stand here holding his hand forever, I drop it as I start walking backward, our eyes locked together as I go. I feel like walking this way is starting to get awkward, but I’ve already committed to it, so I feel the need to see it through.
“So, I’ll just call you tomorrow and set up a time for our date then?” Brent asks as I continue to back away from him and out onto the porch.
“You betcha!”
I smartly reach out and hold onto the porch railing as I walk backward down the steps, not wanting to look away from Brent’s smiling face as I go, because I never, ever want to forget one single second of this moment, regardless of how silly I must look, and like I forgot what it’s like to have legs and feet.
“Talk to you tomorrow, Heidi,” Brent states, his eyes never leaving mine as he stands in his doorway and watches me walk backward the entire way back to my house.
I finally turn around when I can no longer see him, practically skipping up my own porch and letting myself into my house.
“Holy shit,” I mutter to myself as I close the door behind me and flop my back against it, feeling the need to use some colorful language during this momentous occasion.
I just asked Brent out, he said yes, and I didn’t die!
“Who knew a little cock would give me so much power?” I exclaim to my empty house.
Wow. That sounded much better in my head.
Chapter 18
Heidi’s Discount Erotica, Episode 6
“Welcome to Heidi’s Discount Erotica, do-do-do! I have a date tonight! I have a date tonight! I asked my neighbor out after a very confusing moment where I threw a pizza and contemplated call
ing the cops. It all worked out, and now I have a bona fide date with the man I’ve been crushing on for months. I feel so free. And so amazing. My entire body is practically buzzing with excitement, and I’m not nervous at all. Is this what it’s like to have confidence? I should have done this years ago. It’s outstanding!
“Okay, on to the good stuff. Buckle up, buttercups.
“‘His mouth is hot and wet on my clit and he continues the motion and pressure of his tongue as it circles me, realizing that if he changes up what he’s doing too quickly, the orgasm that’s hovering right there, waiting for me to fall over the edge into oblivion, will slip out of my reach. He pushes his fingers so deep inside me that I feel his knuckles pressing against the sensitive skin of my inner lips. My hips roll against his mouth, his tongue never slowing its assault on my clit, and I bite my lip to keep from crying out. When the tips of his fingers brush against my G-spot seconds later, the first wave of my orgasm washes over me. I squeeze my eyes closed, my fingers clutching his hair as my legs shake and my hips thrust frantically against his hand. I come against his lips and tongue, and he drinks me in, sucking down every last drop and prolonging my orgasm with little flicks of his tongue until my body feels like jelly.’
“And that, my friends, is how it’s done. Boom! Boo-yah! Mic-drop!”
*Thump, thump, thump
*Static, shuffling
“Sorry! I probably shouldn’t have actually dropped the mic. That was an excerpt from my good friend, Penelope Sharp. You should read her books. They’re hot and awesome.
“Woohoo! Heidi’s Discount Erotica, over and out!”
Chapter 19
“Holy shit!”
I let out a squeak of surprise as I’m removing my headphones, when I hear the shout from behind me. Turning around in my chair at my dining room table where I set up my podcast equipment, I see Aubrey standing in my open doorway with a shocked look on her face.