I called Shelly to have her pick me up and take me to Grady. I couldn't explain anything to her because I didn't know myself. I just know the whole ride there my heart was beating fast and I tried not to think the worst. Lillian told me to meet her on the third floor but she didn't give me a room number. Shelly and I get on the elevator to the third floor. As it began to move I could feel my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach. Seeing the discomfort in my face, Shelly reached over and grabbed my hand. The elevator stopped. We made it. It seemed like it took forever for the doors to open. As we stepped off I looked to the left, and then to the right. I was unsure which way to go, as Lillian refused to give me the correct room number. I just wanted to see him; to let him know that it is ok, I forgive him. I love him. I look ahead and Lillian and Jerod are walking toward us. The look on their face said it all.
“Sage, I know he didn't tell you; but I want you to not dwell on the fact that he didn't tell you and try to understand the why.” she began. I gripped Shelly's hand tighter, attempting to brace myself for whatever was coming next. My lips couldn't move and her voice sounded as if I was listening to her speak from under water. “Ace, had brain cancer.” she continued. My heart fell even further inside me. “He stopped getting treatment and was preparing for whatever the consequences would be. He knew…..” she paused looking back at Jerod. He nodded giving her the ok to continue. “He knew he would eventually die.”
“So what the hell are you saying?” Shelly yelled.
Lillian cut her eyes at Shelly and then back at me; throwing her hands up as if she was through with this conversation and walking back towards the waiting room. I looked at Jerod.
“Please, don’t tell me…..” I said staring Jerod in his eyes. He couldn't bear to look at me as he began to speak.
“He’s gone Sage. He passed away this morning.”
Nothing could have prepared me for this moment. It was like my heart had just been ripped out of my chest repeatedly. I felt my legs collapsed up under me. Before I knew it, I was on the floor; tears flowing like a broken dam. I couldn't catch my breath and my head began throbbing. I could feel Shelly behind me trying to hold me up. I felt robbed; robbed of my happiness, of my love, of my last moments with him. I didn't get to say goodbye.
“I don't understand!” I muffled between my heart wrenching cry. “I want to see him. I need to see him! I want to see my baby……..” I yelled as I scrambled to get to my feet but I could barely feel my legs. “Where is he?” I began to crawl down the hallway. “Where is he?!! I want to know.”
I couldn't see through my locs. Jerod picks me up from the floor. I began to kick for him to put me down. “I want to see him, please just let me see him.” I yelled.
Nobody was listening. My voice began to go horse, I had cried so loud. As Jerod held me, I could see Shelly trying to get the elevator opened as she fought back tears. “I'm not leaving until I see him! Please! Please let me see him.” I begged.
Jerod could no longer hold me. I slid to the floor and he kneeled down beside me rubbing my back. “He’s not here Sage….I’m sorry.” he said trying to soothe me. I could hear the bell of the elevator signaling that it had made it to our floor. Shelly reached for my arm and Jerod grabbed the other pulling me up to my feet and helping me onto the elevator. I was slumped over with my head down. The only thing keeping me up was Shelly and Jerod on either side of me.
“I don't understand... I don't understand... I just don't understand. God please…..Why?” I began to get dizzy. My world had just been turned upside down. How could this be? How could this end so soon. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. He was my everything. I was on an emotional roller coaster with a million unanswered questions.
Eventually, we made it to the car. They put me in the passenger seat and I sat there as Jerod spoke with Shelly for what seemed like forever. The minutes seemed to pass by like hours. Shelly made her way back into the car. Before driving off she reached over; stoking my dreads trying to wipe the tears from my face. I began mumbling through my cries as if I were trying to talk to myself.
“Sage. Hunny, I am so sorry. I am so sorry.” My heart felt heavy. I know she was trying to comfort me but I couldn’t hold my head up to acknowledge her.
“He promised me. He promised me….he would never leave me. He promised me.”
By the time we made it back to my apartment I had cried so much for so long, my eyes had swollen. I couldn't see, and I could barely talk.
“I'm going to spend the night with you. I don't want you by yourself.” she said guiding me up the stairs to my apartment. I dragged myself down the hallway to my room, still whimpering like a lost puppy. I lay down across my bed. Shelly came in behind me, pulling my shoes off and turning off the lights. She didn't say anything. I knew she didn't have the words to say. She lay down next to me, lifting my head into her arms, patting me on my back softly to comfort me. I held on to her crying into her shoulder. I cried for him. I cried for him all night, but he never came.
Chapter 12: Pity Party
I stayed in bed for days. I couldn't eat and barely got up to wash my ass. I had a stench to me, but I didn't care. Nothing mattered to me anymore, except Thias. I didn't want to tell him while he was in Florida. I didn't want to ruin his trip. If he knew I was here alone, he would want to come home and I didn't want that for him. I wanted him happy. Whenever he would call I was sure to lift my spirits so he couldn't tell that anything was bothering me. I wasn't entirely sure how I would break the news to him anyway. I wanted to prolong it as much as possible. I knew I would have to face it sooner than later; but I would rather later than now. He had another month before it was time for him to come back. I, on the other hand, was trying to figure out a way to cope with my extremely unwanted reality. Arsen. He kept so much from me. His mother asked me to understand why. Lord knows I have been trying. I should have been there. I should have been by his side. He should have let me decide, but instead he made that decision for me. He thought he knew what was best for me but he didn't. I should have been there, and now I have to live with the fact that I wasn't., and I never got to say goodbye.
My body was beginning to feel weak. I could tell I was shutting down. I haven’t eaten in days. I've tried to find the energy to get up and cook but I didn’t have it. I even thought about praying, but my pain wouldn’t allow me to do that either. I'm trying not to understand why life is the way it is, because I know it's not for me to know. But I don't know what I believe anymore. I've been through so much, and I was finally happy. I was finally free. I couldn't help but think that it's because of that night; this is my karma, I thought. It has to be. I didn’t know what hurt worst; loosing Arsen or feeling like it's my fault he is gone. I thought God understood. I thought all was forgiven in the universe. I guess not.
My head was buried so far under my covers that I hadn't notice someone knocking on my door. The knocks were relentless. Almost as if whoever knew I was here and was not leaving until I decided to answer the door. I dragged myself from the bed down the hallway to the door, covered in nothing but a robe and musk stemming from my armpits. I unlocked the door. Not even checking to see who was on the other side. Probably Shelly. Most likely coming to check on me because I haven't been answering her calls or anyone else's for that matter. There stood Lillian and Malachi. Shocked I grabbed the ends of my robe, securing the belt around me to cover up. Lillian looked me up and down before stepping in as Malachi followed.
"I bought you this." she said handing me what seemed to be a vase.
"It's an urn. Ace didn't want a funeral he wanted to be cremated. Those were his wishes." she continued with a sign, scoping out my apartment, judging with her eyes. I grabbed the vase holding it not sure where I was supposed to place it.
"If you guys would excuse me." I said taking the vase with Arsen’s ashes into my room. I wasn't back there long when Lillian made her way to my bedroom door.
"Those are very nice paintings, Sage. Yo
u did those yourself?" I looked around my room at all the paintings. Each one representing some type of memory I had shared with Arsen. It seemed like my best work was when I was able to reflect on moments of love and happiness.
"I did." I replied.
"And that one there....." she said pointing at one of my paintings walking further into my room. "Is that Arsen?"
"Yes it is."
"Sage, I came over here to check on you. To make sure you were alright. Ace made it very clear how he felt about you. So his brothers and I will make it a point to make sure you and your son is well. Have you eaten?" she asked.
My face had begun to get pale and my lips dry and cracked over these past few days. All I've been doing is crying and sleeping. My heart wouldn't allow room for anything else.
"No." I replied, sitting down on the edge of my bed.
"I didn't come over here to give you a pity party....." she began. "I came to give you the explanation that I know your heart needs." She sat on the bed beside me placing her hand over my knee. Old people use that same gesture every time they are about to tell you something you might not want to hear. "Ace knew he was dying when he met you. He made the decision that you and your son is who he wanted to spend his last days with. He didn't tell you because he didn't want you to be sad. He didn't want to remember you that way."
"Well doesn't that make him selfish?" I asked. "He took away my option, when he decided not to tell me. Don't I get to choose whether I want to deal with this type of pain or not? Shouldn't I have a say in that? I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together....."
"Oh Sage....." She stood up pacing around my room looking at each picture I had on display. "But you did spend the rest of his life with him.”
Becoming increasingly frustrated with her optimistic attitude about the situation, I stood up with her placing both hands on my hips. "He lied to me! Period! And he left me here to face the truth alone! I fell in love with a man that knew he couldn't spend the rest of his life with me!" My voice began to crack as I tried hard to fight back the tears. "He knew! And yet he promised me everything he couldn’t give me! I didn't get to say good bye! Not at the hospital! Not at a funeral! Hell, not even at a damn ceremony!!! I didn't get to tell him that I love him....." I fell to my knees covering my face with both hands sobbing at my pain. "I didn't know who he was with all his secrets, Lillian. I fell in love with a stranger." "Sometimes Sage that is the best love to fall into." she said slightly smiling. I was sick of her riddles. I couldn't understand how she was so calm.
"And quite honestly, if that is what you were worried about, I promise you will learn all you need to know about Ace through his death. You just have to be patient."
I looked up at her confused. I noticed she liked to talk in circles. Never actually saying what it is she should say.
“Be patient?” I asked. “I'm supposed to be patient. I killed someone trying to protect him and he knew he was going to die anyway!!!” I yelled out of anger.
Shocked that I had just confessed to murder, I placed my hand over my mouth; wishing that I had more control over my emotions in that moment and could take back everything I had just said. Lillian seemed unbothered by my statement, as if she already knew.
“One thing about my son; when he says he is going to handle something, he handles it. Despite what you may be feeling right now Sage, you have no worries.”
She began to walk out my room toward the front door where Malachi stood waiting. He hadn't moved since they got here, almost like he was her bodyguard. I followed behind her hoping she would leave. I couldn't have company right now, and I definitely couldn't entertain someone who wanted so badly for me to understand a reason for this all. Before walking out the door, she turned and looked at me, fiddling with the straps of her purse she was holding. "Sage, death is a beautiful part of life. You have to embrace it. It’s a chance for our soul to get a fresh start. We never really die, you know?" she said. "And please, eat something. Take care of yourself. Don't starve my grandbaby." "Excuse me?" I wasn't sure if she was calling me fat or what; but I had definitely had enough of her mouth at this point. "I'm not pregnant, Lillian." She raised her eyebrows and smiled; patting Malachi on the shoulders as if to signal him to open the door. Without saying another word she walked out, Malachi nodded and followed close behind. I locked the door leaning against it for a second before sliding myself to the floor, trying to absorb the ridiculousness that had just occurred. I'm not sure if I like her much. I'm not sure of anything these days, it seems.
Chapter 13: The Gift
It had only been about three weeks since Arsen's death, and I had been getting sicker by the day. I had been trying to pull myself together as Thias was coming home the following week. I still hadn’t figured out how I would tell him. I know how much he loved Arsen. My house was beginning to look like a dump. I hadn’t washed clothes in weeks or dishes for that matter. I just laid there buried under my pillows and blankets. I could hear Shelly clacking around in the kitchen and living room attempting to clean up a bit. She had been coming over every day to check on me. Eventually, she took my key so she wouldn’t have to stand at the door knocking; waiting for me to let her in. I haven’t been outside since I left the hospital that day. I knew I would have to get it together soon. I have to show Thias that I am strong; although, I question my strength a lot lately. Shelly began tapping on my bedroom door.
“You have to get up, Sage. Put on some clothes.” she demanded.
“What for?”
“Listen, Malachi asked me to have you meet up with Lillian at some lawyer’s office.” “I’m not going.” I said pushing myself deeper under the covers.
She had enough of my behavior at this point. She snatched the covers off me and began raiding my closet for an outfit. She threw a sundress on my bed. It was the same one I had worn to Arsen’s family dinner. Everything reminded me of him.
“I’m not going to let you do this to yourself. I tried to let you work through this your way; but I be damned if I’m going to sit here and watch you kill yourself.” I sat up in the bed using my elbows to hold me up. She was serious. “You have twenty minutes to bathe and put this dress on or I’m coming back here to do it for you.” she demanded with her hands on her hips. She walked out my room slamming the door behind me.
She was right. I couldn’t allow myself to die too. I pushed myself onto my feet and into the shower. The hot water felt good over my body. I could barely stand as my body had been weak. I still haven’t eaten much. I quickly turned the water off and stepped out the shower as I could feel myself no longer able to stand. I sat down on the toilet seat to dry off, glad that I had bathed for the first time in weeks. I didn’t bother staring into the mirror as I usually do. I just slip on my bra, panties, and dressed before walking down the hallway. When Shelly saw me, her eyes lit up. She quickly ran over to hug me.
“You ready?” she asked. Shrugging my shoulders I agreed. She handed me a cup with a banana smoothie she had just whipped up for me in the kitchen. I didn’t want to reject it. I knew she was trying to make me feel better. She opened the front door for me, and as soon as I step out the summer breeze hit my face. I felt like I had been in prison and I was experiencing my first moment as a free woman. My legs were still numb. Shelly had to help me down the stairs and into her car. I stared out the window, wishing that my life was different. At one point, Shelly had gotten lost. I could hear Malachi on the phone trying to give her directions. Finally, we made it to a parking garage off Hurtz street downtown. Shelly drove up a couple of floors until we found a parking space. I had been sipping on that smoothie she gave me and it seemed to give me a bit of energy. She helped me out the car and onto the elevator which opened up to the inside of an office building. As we turned the corner I could see Lillian, Malachi, and Jerod standing there anticipating our arrival. The closer we got to them the more my stomach began to turn. What are we here for? I hope she don’t expect me to confess to a lawyer. Why else woul
d she have me up here like this? I walked up to Lillian.
“What is this about?” I asked scared out of my mind. She smiled, embracing me around my shoulders guiding me into the lawyer’s office.
“I told you Sage, you have no worries.”
This damn woman. Something was off in her mind, it had to be. We continued to walk into what seemed to be a conference room. A very well dressed white man came in behind us with a hand full of vanilla folders. We all took a seat, Lillian being sure to sit next to me. He stood at the head of the table, folding his hands in front of him.
“We are all here today to read the will of Mr. Robison, I presume?” he asked.
Arsen’s brother and his mother shook their head in agreement. Hell. I wasn’t sure what I was doing here. I’m almost positive Arsen left nothing in his will for me and I am even more certain that I didn’t want anything either.
“Really, Ms. Williams is actually the only one who hasn’t given her signature.” he said flipping through one of the folders in front of him. “Ms. WIlliams.” he began. “If you could please hand me your I.D., I just need to make sure your identification matches with what I have on the will.”
I fumbled through my purse. I couldn’t get a good grip of my I.D because my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. Lillian reached over to assist, handing the lawyer my I.D. He looked at it, and then at me, and then back at his folder.
“Ok, Mr. Robinson left to you this…” he said sliding a white envelope across the table with an address on it. I picked it up to examine it. It was sealed and I could feel at least two keys in it. “It must be the keys to his half of the house he shared with his brothers…” I thought to myself. “….If that was even the truth.”
“He also left you……” he continued gathering a few documents stacking them neatly to hand to me. “The funds in his checking account that totals to about five hundred……..thousand dollars.” he said sliding the paperwork over to me.
THE LYIN’ KING Page 10