by M. B. Feeney
This was the reason he’d come to see her, subconsciously at least. Lisa always knew exactly what to say, and how to deal with his problems. He’d never been particularly close to either of his parents – they were older when they decided to have a family – but he and Lisa were only two years apart, and grew up tight.
“That’s all well and good Lisa, but there are some issues.”
“Like what?”
“We live half a world away from one another. We both have careers that ground us to where we are. That kinda puts a dampener on a relationship, don’t you think?”
“Bullshit.”
My head swivelled to look at her so fast, I cricked my neck and white hot pain shot through it. Lisa never swore beyond the odd ‘crap’ when she was ticked off.
“Excuse me? Who are you, and what have you done with my sister?”
“I’m being serious Will. You say there’s things stopping you two being together if you both want to be, and I say you’re talking out of your ass. You can do your job anywhere; the editing side of it at least. What’s to say you can’t move your base of operations to the UK and then travel for the filming?”
“But… I… the guys…”
“Are big boys and can cope with you travelling rather than being on their doorstep.”
Knowing Sam, he would push for this exact scenario.
“I’ll think about it.” I kissed her cheek, then took myself to bed, but I didn’t sleep. All I could think about was the possibility of seeing Zoe again.
Landing at Heathrow ten days after talking with Lisa was surreal. I’d lost myself for a week in helping her and Mal with some structural work on the farm house before heading back to my apartment where I sat down with Sam and the guys, letting them know what I was planning to do. Each and every one of them was all for me finally getting off my ass and ‘manning up’, especially Sam.
I had made him promise not to phone Zoe to warn her I was flying over; it was something he would have done. They spoke fairly often, and I was glad someone had kept in contact with her. I couldn’t imagine her being completely cut off when we’d all returned home.
It was late on a Tuesday evening, which meant that by the time I arrived at the pub, the majority of the office workers would have left for the night. As I climbed into a cab, giving the driver the address, I tried to prepare myself for what would greet me when I walked in.
My cab pulled up outside the pub. I handed over the fare and got out, standing on the sidewalk looking up at the building in front of me. The lights inside were shining through the leaded windows, and I could hear the dull murmur of voices. Taking a deep breath, I pushed open the door and walked inside.
“Oh. My. God! What the fuck are you doing here?” Gwen jumped up from her seat at the end of the bar where she and Casey had been chatting and ran over to hug me tight.
“Thought I needed a vacation.”
Gwen looked at me, her eyes narrowed. She clearly didn’t believe me, and I wasn’t sure if I blamed her.
“Well, that’s great.” The brightness left her voice as Casey came out from behind the bar to also hug me. They were hiding something from me, or weren’t that pleased to see me after all. I watched Casey as she made her way back behind the bar and pour me a pint of beer. Dropping my backpack on the floor at my feet, I climbed onto one of the empty bar stools and took a long drink of the cold liquid.
“So… what’s the real reason you’ve come back? Are you here to change Zoe’s mind?” Gwen blurted out, avoiding looking at Casey who seemed to be shooting daggers at her from her eyes.
“Change her mind about what?”
“Just…” Gwen’s words faded and the pair of them looked at me, in silence. It was kinda creepy, and my mind was in overdrive.
“Mate, it’s not been great here since you left.” Casey, blunt as ever, began laying the facts out for me. “Zoe’s been fucking miserable, but is still lying to us and to herself. All the ‘it’s casual’ bullshit façade is being maintained, but she’s cracking. It’s been even worse in the time you’ve been gone.”
The thought of Zoe hurting didn’t sit well, but knowing she was still thinking things should be casual between us hurt, and I hated feeling that way.
“I don’t like the sound of that.”
Before I’d left, Gwen had sat me down in the back room and had told me she had noticed how much I cared for Zoe, that she even thought I was in love with her friend. She was positive Zoe felt the same, or was pretty damn close to, and she wanted me to tell Zoe before I left. I’d refused, believing that Zoe still wanted everything to remain casual between us.
“That’s because you’re a twat.”
“Excuse me?” I was shocked, although I had a feeling which direction the insults were heading into.
“I told you to tell her how you felt, feel, whatever, before you left. You were adamant I was wrong and that Zoe was all about the no strings bollocks, that she’d be fine once you’d left, and she’d find someone who could give her time and attention she deserved here in London. Well, you’re the one who was wrong. She’s miserable because you’re not, and can’t be, around because of the fucking Pacific Ocean keeping you apart.”
“The Atlantic-” Casey interrupted Gwen’s rant, correcting her.
“I don’t give a flying fuck which ocean. The point of the matter is that our best mate and the man she loves are separated by a big body of water, and it’s not fair because he’s here, and she isn’t.”
“What? Where is she?”
“She’s gone out of town to visit her parents. She wanted a break from the pub, and to try and make sense of everything going on in her head.” Casey’s voice was soft, a stark comparison to Gwen’s protective and angry tones.
“Fuck. When is she due back?” I’d given myself ten days until my return flight, in the hopes that it would be enough time to sort things out with Zoe, and for the two of us to come to an arrangement for whatever was going to happen.
“She’s due back the day after tomorrow.”
Relief flooded through my entire body.
“Have you got somewhere to stay?” Judging by the look on Gwen’s face as she spoke, it was clear she knew I had hoped I would be offered a place to stay in the apartment upstairs.
“Not yet…”
“Well, I’m flat sitting upstairs. There’s plenty of space for you up there.”
I planted a kiss on Gwen’s cheek before settling down to finish my beer and have a few more, grinning at the two of them.
It was as if I had never left. The regular customers in the pub welcomed me back, asking about my work and life back home. I helped out behind the bar, fine honing my beer pouring skills, and I worked in the kitchen while Casey dealt with everything else in Zoe’s absence. Gwen came in whenever she could after work, and when the day of Zoe’s returned loomed, she called in sick at work, and hovered around me like a bad smell.
“Look, Gwen. I enjoy your company immensely, but if you keep following me around like this, I’ll be asking you to wipe my ass.”
“Ewww, you’re fucking gross.” She screwed her face up, making me laugh.
“Well, give a dude some space.”
Thankfully, she listened and left me alone for the next few hours while I made sure the kitchen was spotless before going for a shower, and to change my clothes in preparation for Zoe coming back. Naturally, by the time I felt I was psyched up enough to see her again and went down into the pub, she’d already arrived.
“Will? What…? How…? When…?”
I’d only known Zoe for a few months, but I’d never once in that time seen her struck dumb. I smiled nervously as she looked at me, her eyes full of shock.
“Yes, it’s me. By airplane, about two days ago.” Keeping my distance, still unsure what her reaction would be once her brain caught up with her eyes, I drank in the sight of her. Her hair was a little longer, and her face and frame thinner, but she looked the same – not surprising as it hadn’t been tha
t long since I’d seen her.
“I guess my next question should be ‘why’?” As she spoke, she moved to the other side of the bar and poured herself a shot of whiskey, mixing it with a splash of soda water. It occurred to me that she may also be placing the bar between us on purpose. I also noticed her eyes flicker in Gwen’s direction, silently accusing her of orchestrating my being in her pub.
“Gwen has nothing to do with me being here. This is all on me, I promise.”
Gwen flashed me a small smile before she and Casey moved away to sit at one of the tables on the other side of the room. I could feel their eyes, and those of the regulars who had quietened down to watch the show.
“Why though? Why now?” Her tone was hard, even though her eyes weren’t.
“Because it took me this long to get my ass kicked hard enough to realise that this is where I needed to be.” I hoped my honesty would endear myself to her.
“Well… whoever did the kicking needs to realise that sometimes action happens too late.”
Stunned, but not completely surprised by her response, I watched as she took her drink off the bar and left the pub to make her way upstairs to the apartment. Rooted to the spot, I didn’t know what to do.
“Oi, idiot. Follow her, talk to her.” Casey hissed at me, taking her place behind the bar once more.
It took me another fifteen minutes to get up the courage to let myself into the apartment to speak to Zoe. I had to force myself to walk up the stairs, and when I reached the front door to the apartment, I paused to take a deep breath. When I finally let myself if, I could hear Zoe in the shower, singing. Smiling, I leaned against the door jam of the lounge, and listened. I’d forgotten what a great voice she had.
I got so caught up listening to her that I didn’t realise that she had finished with her shower until, still singing her heart out, she pulled open the door to the bathroom and emerged wrapped in just a large, bright green bath towel.
“Jesus fucking Christ. What are you doing up here?” She yelped as she pulled the towel tighter around her.
“I came up to… talk, but obviously I timed it all wrong. I’ll leave you to it.”
“How did you even get in? Did Casey let you up?” Zoe’s voice was accusatory once more.
“Erm… no. I’ve actually been staying here for the last couple days.”
I waited for the explosion of temper, the screaming, and the yelling.
“Of course you are. God forbid I want to keep this flat as a private haven rather than it being a doss house.” Zoe muttered to herself as she walked past me and into her bedroom, closing the door firmly behind her.
I had no idea what a ‘doss house’ was, but I arrived at the conclusion it was something to do with me staying at the apartment without her express permission. Quietly, I went into the bedroom I’d been using, gathered up my things, and packed them into my bag. I gave the room a look over to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything, and hadn’t left a mess. Satisfied, I picked the bag up and left the room.
Zoe was stood in the hallway, fully dressed, and seemingly waiting for me to emerge.
“Leaving so soon?” She asked. I couldn’t work out the tone of her voice.
“Yeah, I’m going to find a hotel. I won’t stay where I’m encroaching on anyone’s hospitality.” I could hear the snappy tone to my own voice as I stopped walking along the hallway, dropping the bag at my feet.
For a long, uncomfortable moment, the two of us stood looking at each other. The silence was palpable as we locked eyes.
“Why did you come back?” Zoe asked meekly.
“For you.” Was the simple, honest, and only answer I could give her before taking three steps forward, pulling her into my arms, and crushing my lips to hers.
It was still dark when I woke up, Zoe’s arms and legs wrapped around me like an octopus. Carefully, I untangled myself and walked, naked and barefoot, into the kitchen to get a drink of water.
The bright green numbers on the microwave hurt my eyes in the dark but let me know it had been five hours since Zoe and I had sat down in the living room to talk. Sipping at my drink, I thought back to the conversation we’d needed to have.
Zoe pulled away from me, her chest heaving from the kiss that felt like it lasted for hours rather than minutes.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have grabbed you like that.” I stepped away, almost tripping over my forgotten bag, and tried to catch my own breath, my heart pounding like a marching band.
“It’s… yeah, it’s okay.”
“No, it isn’t. Just because I wanted to kiss you again, it didn’t give me the right to just lay one on you like that.”
With a small smile, Zoe shook her head a little and began walking away. When she got to the doorway of the kitchen, she looked over her shoulder as if to check I was following; I was.
I took a seat at the tiny table pushed against one wall as Zoe pottered around making drinks and sandwiches; neither of us speaking, but it wasn’t uncomfortable which surprised me considering we didn’t seem to be on the best terms.
Once she was finished, Zoe turned and looked at me before leaving the kitchen and walking in the direction of the living room. With a soft sigh, I pushed myself to my feet and followed her once more. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I wanted to try and make sure there was no animosity between us if I could. If I had to leave and find a hotel, or even head back home to the states, then so be it, but it was time for me to be honest with Zoe.
The woman in question was stretched out on the couch, a plate on her lap, watching me as I entered the room. I picked my own plate up off the low table and sat in the armchair I had claimed as my own when I last stayed in the apartment.
“So… you’re back. How long for?” Zoe asked, finally, once she’d finished her food. I looked up to see her cradling her cup of coffee between both hands.
“It depends on many factors, but my booked flight back is in ten days.”
“What depends on many factors?”
“Whether I decide to make a more permanent decision.” I was being deliberately vague, but I didn’t want to pressurise her.
“A permanent decision about what? You’re talking in circles.”
“Sorry, I don’t mean to… I just…” Words failed me. I’d sat on an airplane for thirteen hours to tell Zoe how I felt; to find out how she felt, and all I could do was avoid talking about the entire subject.
“Will. When I asked why you came back, you said for me. What did you mean?” Zoe’s voice sounded strained and tired. It was time to be honest and accept the consequences.
“Exactly what I said. I came back for you, to find out how you feel.” When I paused in an attempt to collect myself, she remained quiet which I was grateful for. I looked down at my hands which were in my lap, holding my own cup of coffee that was going cold. “When I left London, I thought whatever was between us was a simple and casual thing, I was fine with that knowledge; but being back in the States, and away from you, made me realise that, to me at least, it wasn’t,” pausing again, I risked looking up at Zoe. “In fact, I hadn’t even finished travelling before I realised.”
She was watching me intently, a look in her eyes I couldn’t translate. I just hoped I wasn’t making a complete fool out of myself.
“I couldn’t get you out of my head. Everywhere I looked, I saw reminders of you; women with the same colour hair in the local store, the smell of beer whenever Sam brought a six pack over, and the voices of British tourists in downtown L.A. I couldn’t escape you, even if I wanted to.”
Zoe remained silent and I didn’t know if this was good or bad thing. The lack of comments from her was a little unnerving, but I continued talking, wishing I’d prepared a speech rather than going ‘off the cuff’ as it were.
“In all honesty, I didn’t want to leave the last time I was here. I’d known for a couple of weeks how strongly I felt about you, but you insisted that it was a casual thing, a bit of fun, and I didn’t want to p
ush you for more than you wanted or were willing to give.”
“Why didn’t you say anything? You’re not exactly backwards in coming forwards Will.” Finally, she spoke, and I wasn’t particularly surprised at her question. “I mean… if we’re both honest, you did the chasing and pushing in the beginning – not that that’s a bad thing, believe me – and in many ways, you wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
She wasn’t wrong. I was pushy and determined to ‘have’ her. The attraction was instant, and the more I got to know her, the more I wanted her.
“Yes, I did, and I honestly believed I could keep it casual. There were never any plans for me to stay here in London longer than planned, but the more time I spent with you, the less I wanted to go home. I could have done my editing back in the States, but I found it harder to even consider leaving the longer I stayed. It wasn’t catching up with Reece that kept me here, it was you.”
Silence surrounded us. For almost five minutes, judging by the large clock on the wall opposite where I sat, we sat looking at each other. I was starting to feel as if I needed to leave when Zoe stood up and walked over to me.
“You’re a damn idiot; then again, so am I.” She straddled my legs and sat down. “I should have said something too. Before you left, I was fighting feeling more for you than I should. I tried fooling myself that nothing serious could happen between us because you were leaving, and that you wanted to keep things simple between us. Even after you all but moved in here, I kept telling myself it was a fling, a bit of fun, yet it wasn’t.”
Wrapping my arms around her waist, I pulled her in closer to me, my erection straining at the zipper of my jeans.
“I was a nightmare after you left; snapping at Gwen and Casey, hiding away when I wasn’t needed in the pub, and generally being a right misery. Gwen pulled me up on it, having worked out what was wrong with me. She tried to get me to phone you, tell you the truth, but I dug my heels in even more. I was so determined to get over you, to leave you alone because that’s what you wanted. She was adamant that you wanted more as much as I did, but I didn’t listen.”