by Sue Hardesty
Loni blurted out, "Now?"
Lola arched her eyebrows. "Why? You didn't make your bed?"
Shrugging, Loni admitted, "I don't remember. Which bed do you want to see?"
"Describe them and then explain why anybody would live in two places in the teeny, tiny same town. I can't keep up with one." Lola paused. "Come to think of it, I'm not sure I made my bed, either."
"Mostly the bed I use is in a loft apartment above my uncle's office in the airplane hangar. I spend my spare time at the ranch."
"You own a ranch?" Lola arched her eyebrows.
"Well, sort of, but I really feel it belongs to my grandparents. I feel like I've been a visitor since I left for college."
"But it's in your name?"
"It belonged to my dad. He inherited the ranch part, and my uncle inherited land for his airport. My mother died when I was born so my dad talked her parents into coming off the rez to take over the ranch and raise me. Since he was German, he wanted me raised at home, but he hurt too much to stay around. My aunt Mae was too sick to take me. My dad wandered a few years, prospecting, mostly mining. The times he came home were the best days of my life. Just after my fourteenth birthday, we heard he was killed in a mine cave-in."
"Have you been to the mine?"
"Not yet," Loni said.
"Well then, maybe we should do that someday."
Stunned into silence by the "we," Loni turned off Old Highway 85 and onto Wagner Road, pointing at the ranch headquarters in the distance.
They drove up to the main gate, and Loni got out and opened it. She motioned for Lola to drive through. After a bit of arm-waving and head shakings, Lola finally scooted over to the driver's seat and drove forward very slowly. Closing the gate, Loni got back in the driver's seat, and they moved on.
"Why aren't you ranching?"
"Among other reasons, running enough cattle to survive in today's market destroys the desert. I didn't want that."
"You're serious?"
Loni nodded as she pulled into the barnyard under a salt cedar tree. As much as she hated the salt dripping on her truck, getting back into a burning cab was worse.
Lola followed Loni through large double sliding doors into the barn. Tools, tractors, carts, and wagons lined one side of the building with stock pens on the other. In the center, Willie hauled hay out of the loft with a pulley and settled the bales onto a small trailer behind a green John Deere tractor.
"Hey, Willie. You know Lola?" Willie ducked his head with a shy smile. Loni looked around for Flossie. "Where's Flossie?" Her voice rose in panic.
"Out in last corral."
"She's better then?"
Willie leaned on a bale. "Still some sick."
"I'm driving, Willie." Loni climbed onto the tractor. She reached over to pull Lola up beside her. "Fenders make great seats." After Willie climbed up on the hay trailer, Loni slowly pulled through the open back barn doors and drove onto the lane between the cattle pens.
Inching the trailer along the lane between the feed pens, Loni watched Willie break up the bales and toss pats of hay into the troughs. Big cow heads stuck out through the board fence into the troughs, pushing at each other to reach the feed. Shaking the hay, they worried holes through the hay, feeding from the bottom.
Willie talked to the mother cows as he fed them, and Loni explained the process to Lola. "In a good spring, Bahb buys a few half Brahma steers from Old Mexico. Profit's in the weight gain, so he mostly raises his own and sells the steers at two years." Loni could see Lola calculating again. "Desert cows can produce eight to ten calves in their lifetime. In the bunch the Millers took, there were fourteen two-year-old steers ready for market that we didn't get back. Those steers were probably a $12,000 loss. It's money that helps pay the bills through the year. I always sent them something every month to help them get by."
"But you caught the thieves?" Lola asked.
"These are the mother cows they took. But they already sold the steers. Without a brand, they're long gone."
"Why aren't they branded?"
"Bahb won't inflict pain on any living thing unless it's absolutely necessary for its well being."
"What about the loss?" Lola looked worried.
Loni shrugged. "I'll help them deal."
"So, how big is the ranch?"
"The house sits on a section of titled land. Twenty-two sections of Taylor Grazing are attached to that."
"Taylor grazing?"
"In Arizona, most of the land belongs to the government," Loni explained.
"Does the government charge you?"
"I think I heard it's about a dollar and fourteen cents a month now for every cow that grazes the desert."
"That's not much," Lola said.
"Maybe not. But all the little things whittle away."
Lola watched Willie as the cattle tossed and nosed the hay. "Isn't he too old to do that?"
"Does it seem hard for him?"
Lola watched him heave another bale down. "Well no."
Loni stopped in front of a pen filled with cow manure scraped out of the pens and pushed into a pile nearly a story high waiting for spring planting.
Lola gripped Loni's shoulder and started laughing as she pointed to a large black-spotted white bull spread out on the top of the manure pile, flapping large ears as he gazed down on the cows. "Do you suppose he thinks he did that all by himself?"
"Nah. That's Brutus, Bahb's Beefmaster bull. He's surveying his kingdom."
Lola turned and pushed at Loni. "My line was funnier."
The huge bull turned his head and benignly stared down at them. "He may look like he's full of shit," Loni warned Lola, "but don't turn your back on him. He was mistreated when he was young, and he's a mean sucker. Bahb's working to gentle him, but he's not totally turned around yet."
"I've never heard of a Beefmaster. Looks Brahma to me."
"He's a mixture of Hereford and Brahma. This breed can travel further for water and food and gain the most. Really good in droughts."
Across from Brutus, Loni spotted Flossie and climbed down before helping Lola off. "Take the tractor back, okay?" she asked Willie, opening the gate for Lola.
"Walk real slow right behind me," Loni told her. "Don't make any sudden moves." She abruptly stopped, and Lola bumped into her.
"What?"
"Just waiting for her to see us." Loni listened to the cow's mournful bawl.
"Why is she crying like that?"
"She's hurting. The Millers left her in a jumping cactus patch. We've been shaving places and pulling needles for days." Loni slowly walked up to Flossie, talking in a low voice. The cow watched from her good eye and shied a step away as Loni checked her over for festering bumps on her legs and chest. "Much better." She showed Lola the shaved places scattered in the brindle overcoat plugged with black patchwork. Flossie's bad eye had been removed, and a bandage covered the empty socket.
Leading Lola through a solid wood gate bleached grey from the sun, Loni stuck her fingers in her mouth and whistled. Three heads shot up, and three large bodies trotted toward them as if they were shackled together. Untying the baling wire on a bale, Loni spread the hay out.
The three grew bigger with each step, especially Stonewall. Lola started backing to the gate. "My god, he's big! Should we run?"
"Where to? If he wanted, he could jump flat-footed over any fence here."
"Fine then. I'll get behind you so he'll get you first." She clutched the back of Loni's shirt.
"What's that old joke?" Loni laughed at her. "All I have to do is outrun you."
"Not if I beat you to the gate."
"Hey, Stonewall." Loni kept talking as he came, head down, reaching the hay with an abrupt stop, already chewing. The two horses joined Stonewall, and Loni rubbed each head.
Donnie and his little brother Rolfe ran up. Donnie sidled up to Stonewall. "Can I ride him? Please!" he begged.
Loni gave him a leg up while Lola panicked. "Don't put him up there. What if
he gets hurt?"
"This bull's a Brahma," Loni said. "They're the gentlest creatures in the world." Lola hid behind her, watching a laughing Donnie as he climbed all over Stonewall, sat on his hump for a minute, and finally slid down on his tail. With huge eyes, Rolfe hid behind Lola and stared at the bull.
"Is his name really Stonewall?"
Loni glanced at Lola, wondering why she was asking. "Well," she said cautiously, "he's built like a stone wall, and he looks like a stone wall so he must be a stone wall."
"Who named him?"
"I did."
"Really." Lola had a small knowing smirk as she reached out to pet him. Stonewall raised his massive head and Lola jerked her hand back but didn't give ground. Rolfe screamed and held onto Lola's leg as his brother giggled at him.
"Look, Rolfe." Donnie reached up to pat Stonewall's hump.
"Remember to rub, not pat," Loni said to him. "Animals think you're hitting them if you pat. "Feel." She held Rolfe's hand up to the bull's nose. "It's like velvet. They feel through their noses, so let him sniff you."
"No!" Rolfe jerked away from Loni and scooted back behind Lola again.
Loni reached out to Roanie, rubbing his ears. "This ugly thing belongs to me. I really missed him while I was gone."
As Stonewall shook his massive head, his huge ears made a whapping noise, and hay flew everywhere. Rolfe started crying. Lola held onto Rolfe's small body, as he reached out to take Donnie's hand. Rolfe nearly pulled him off his feet as he jerked on Donnie, pulling him back through the gate, and they ran toward home.
Loni's cell phone rang. It was Jenny. "No, I'll take a rain check," Loni said. "Are you okay?" Loni hung up beaming. "My date just cancelled!"
"You sound happy about that."
Loni couldn't make eye contact. "I like where I am."
"It's hard to date again after such a loss." Lola stuffed her hands in her jean pockets and watched Willie turn the tractor around. She waved at Willie as he disappeared down the lane. "Wait a minute. Isn't that our ride?"
"One of them." Loni reached for Stonewall's halter and led him to a wooden fence. "It's time to get out of the sun. We can ride Stonewall back to the barn."
"Oh, goody." Lola watched Loni climb the fence. "I always did want to ride a Brahma bull."
Swinging onto Stonewall, Loni reached her hand down to Lola.
"You ride. I'll walk."
"Come on. Even Donnie gets on him."
"That's because he's young, stupid, and a boy."
"It's better than getting cow shit on those pretty white boots."
Lola winced with dismay. "What the hell." From the top of the fence, she held onto Loni's hand and gingerly slid on behind her. "If this doesn't work out, you owe me your firstborn."
Trying not to laugh, Loni sputtered, "There's no chance of that."
"You don't want children."
"I've never thought it was a good idea," Loni admitted.
"Did your girlfriend want kids?"
"Maria? Thousands. She came from a big family." Loni’s eyes misted just a little.
"So what happened?"
"You're a straight girl. It's a whole lot easier for you."
Lola laughed. "Who said I was straight?"
"Everybody."
"Maybe I go out of town to play."
"They say you like camping," Loni teased.
"In the summer? Are you crazy?"
"They say you have a boyfriend working as a fishing guide in the White Mountains."
"I have a cousin working as a guide and I camp with him as often as I can. It's so beautiful up there."
"So what are you saying?" Loni turned, trying to see into Lola's eyes to see if she was teasing her.
"Just because I don't wrap myself in rainbows like you...."
"What? I don't even have a rainbow on my truck," Loni said in mock anger. "I did stand in a rainbow one time."
"You are so full of it, I never know when to believe you."
"It's true. Really. I was sliding down a sand dune and it was right in front of me. I thought it was going to disappear as I slid into it, but it didn't. The colors almost faded away, but the water shards sparkled all around me like tiny stars." Loni's expression softened with the memory.
"How did it make you feel?"
Loni stared at Lola. "You're the first person who ever asked me that." Loni thought a minute, hunting for words to explain. "Special," she decided. "Very, very special."
"I suppose you've seen the famous green flash from the sun setting on the ocean?"
"Twice." Loni smirked at her.
"You really loved the ocean, huh? Why did you leave?"
Loni sighed. "Following my tail."
Lola patted her shoulder, laughing at her. "Of course you were." At the barn door, Stonewell automatically stopped. "We could have walked back faster than he moved."
"Need help getting off?" Loni was sorry to lose the warmth on her back. I could use more of that, Loni realized, surprised at the tingling down her body. Lola hung on to her leg while she dropped to the ground. Rubbing Stonewall's nose, she thanked him for the ride.
At the screen door, Coco jumped up and tried to lick Lola in the face. "Well, shit," Loni told her. "Coco never greets me that way." Loni led her into the cool kitchen and introduced her to Shiichoo.
"I see where you get your beautiful eyes, now."
"She used to have my hair." Loni reached to pat Shiichoo on the head. “But I was never that skinny."
"Piffle." Shiichoo stuck a potato peeler in her hand. "You best get to peeling and slicing those potatoes," Shiichoo muttered. "Shouldn't fun an old lady."
"Piffle? Is that Apache?"
"Now child!"
For the next hour, Loni mostly stayed out of the way and watched Lola and Shiichoo cook. Ham-stuffed chicken, Apache Indian bread, Gesatho, Apache wojape, and rosemary blue-cheese scalloped potatoes, the last as a concession to Loni.
Lola went to the bathroom before they sat down to eat.
"I can tell you like Lola." Shiichoo smiled at Loni. "So do I. Have you asked her out?"
"She's straight," Loni said sadly.
"Really? She said it right out?"
Confused, Loni couldn't come up with a retort before Bahb and Willie came in and Lola returned. She introduced Lola to Bahb. Everybody was talking at once as they always did before sitting down to eat. Loni breathed deeply and let the warmth flow around her. God, she had missed this. For the first time, Loni felt she had truly come home.
* * *
In the heat of the setting sun, shadows of the saguaros' arms stretched out across the desert like an army in retreat as Loni stopped in front of Lola's house.
"Your grandma is really glad to have you home."
"Not entirely. She knew why I left. She held me often enough while I cried." Loni was quiet for a few minutes. "I asked her one time if I went to the Catholic church, could I be a Mexican. I reasoned since Mexicans were a mix of Indian and Spanish, I was half acceptable. They had friends and lots of fun. If you want to go to church, go, she told me. Bahb will take you. So I went a few Sundays, but I didn't make any friends. I didn't go back."
"Clans are fragile. Let one new person in and someone usually gets resentful. Like a dog pack circling the new one."
"I know what you're saying. They'll either invite you to sit at the table or make you the main course," Loni said harshly.
"I think you should kill this truck and get it out of its misery." Lola struggled with the door.
"It got you there." Loni watched Lola slide down onto the driveway.
Rolling her eyes at Loni, she retorted, "Not without damage."
Glowing inside, Loni waited until the red front door closed behind Lola.
* * *
Wishing she had been brave enough to ask Lola if she was putting her on, Loni's thoughts roamed through the day as she drove home at a snail's pace and got ready for bed at the same speed. She picked up her laptop, thinking writing to Sandi would
slow down her mind from turning like a squirrel in a cage as she thought about Lola. But no matter what, she couldn't stop feeling hope. Bahb was right. Hope changed everything. And somehow she thought Maria would approve.
FROM: Loni Wagner