by Rosie Clarke
‘It matters to me if someone is trying to harm you.’ Sebastian frowned at her. ‘If it’s not your business that’s worrying you – what is it?’
‘It’s shocking and goes back to when I was fourteen…you might not like it, Sebastian.’
He bent over her, gazing deeply into her eyes. ‘I love you, Lizzie, and if something hurts you I need to know.’
Lizzie took a deep breath and told him from the start. She told him what had happened when she went to fetch her uncle some cigarettes, how she’d been beaten, raped and left for dead.
‘I miscarried a child in the infirmary and I was ill for months, and afterwards I couldn’t remember anything that had happened to me…I couldn’t even remember my own name, until my uncle paid for me to go to a private sanatorium…’
‘Lizzie darling,’ he said and wrapped his arms about her holding her close, his mouth against her hair, his body firm and strong against hers. ‘I’m sorry, my love, so sorry for what happened to you. I had no idea how much you’d been hurt…’
‘It doesn’t make you feel disgust of me?’
‘It makes me want to kill whoever hurt you,’ he said fiercely. ‘Why should you think it might disgust me?’
‘Harry felt like that…’ Lizzie’s voice broke. ‘He left me on our honeymoon and I came back to the flat alone…he could never forgive me…’
‘Forgive you? The bloody fool!’ Sebastian reacted so angrily that Lizzie’s eyes filled with tears. ‘Didn’t he understand what it had done to you? My poor little love, what a thing to happen on your wedding night…’
‘It was because I didn’t tell him before we married…’
Lizzie explained how she’d been told on the morning of her wedding, how she’d not known what to do and Sebastian drew her into his arms as the tears came. He stroked her hair, holding her and kissing her until she’d finished her story, finishing with Bert Oliver’s accusations and the way he’d told her he wanted nothing more to do with her.
Lizzie smiled up at him, relief washing through her as she saw nothing but love and concern for her in his eyes. ‘It hasn’t changed how you feel?’
‘I just want to love and protect you for the rest of our lives, my darling. I wish I could take all the pain away…’
Lizzie pressed closer. ‘You already have,’ she whispered, breathing in the scent of him so that he would always be imprinted into her senses.
‘I wish I never had to leave you again, my love…’ He held her tightly. ‘But you know I must go…’
‘I know…’she whispered against his chest. ‘For a long time I had nightmares but they’ve almost gone – but I did have a dream about you. I saw you lying hurt, Sebastian, and I felt you called to me.’
‘I did, over and over again,’ he admitted and drew her closer. ‘I hated the thought of dying and never having had you in my arms like this, never having had the chance to show you how much I love you.’ He held her closer, his lips against her brow. ‘You don’t know how much I love you – how much I need you in my life.’
Lizzie looked at him, because there was underlying pain in his voice Was there something he hadn’t told her? She would wait until he was ready to share it with her, because he would when he was ready, and for now all she wanted was to be held like this and to know she was loved.
‘Marry me, Lizzie? Marry me now…’
‘Oh yes, my darling. Just as soon as we can…’
‘We only have a few days before I leave…’
‘Then we shall just have to make the most of what we have, shan’t we?’ She lifted her face for his kiss. His lips set her tingling and she felt the slow burn of desire spreading up from deep down inside her and laughed up at him as he rolled her back in the bed and set to work with his lips and tongue to bring her to a state of perfect bliss.
They moved in harmony, their bodies fitting together as if they were two halves of the same being, rising and falling as they sought to please and be pleased. Lizzie panted and moaned as the glorious feeling surged inside her, pooling low in her belly and sending heat all over her, making her feel as if she were dissolving with ecstasy and dispersing like spray on the seashore. She felt so light, so free, and so much in love, as Sebastian lavished her body with caresses and kisses. It was heaven as she let herself give everything, holding nothing back and screaming with her release as he came in her.
Afterwards, bathed in their own sweat, they lay side by side, just holding each other as if they would never let go, but in the end they decided they must bathe, dress and find some breakfast – and then start to plan the rest of their lives.
They were going straight back to London to arrange things, because it would have to be a quick modest affair with only a few friends invited. In times like these, there was no point in waiting, even though Lizzie knew that she was risking more heartbreak. Sebastian’s work was dangerous and she might be a widow again before she’d got used to being a wife, but there was something precious in knowing you belonged to someone and she was willing to take that risk.
Sebastian had told her that he was going to make a will that would leave his house and business to her and when she shook her head, a little embarrassed, he smiled.
‘What else would I do with it, Lizzie? You and Betty are my family now, and the children I hope we’ll have one day, my love.’
‘Oh yes, I want several children,’ Lizzie said… perhaps even now she was carrying Sebastian’s child. The thought made her mouth curve in a smile and she looked up into those wonderful blue eyes. He was so attractive, the little forest of silver hairs at his temples making him even more distinguished and handsome. She loved him far more than she’d loved Harry, with a deep needing, aching wanting that would leave her empty when he left.
‘I know you may not want to live at my house, especially if I don’t come back. If you hate the idea when it comes to it, we’ll find somewhere else, perhaps nearer to where you work, Lizzie. I’ve held on to the house because it belonged to my family, but I can live anywhere.’
‘Let’s leave that until the time comes,’ Lizzie said and kissed him, wanting to block out the possibility that he might not return. ‘I don’t want to think about the future – I just want to enjoy what we have now, Sebastian.’
She was greedy for every minute with him, savouring every second they spent together, walking, dancing, sitting in the theatre laughing at one of the comedians who were doing their best to lighten the atmosphere of war-torn Britain, because she knew that all too soon Sebastian would have to leave, and this time he would leave a huge hole in her life.
*
‘You spoil me,’ Lizzie said as he slipped the beautiful sapphire and diamond ring on her finger, it was not new but an antique, something that had been in his family for generations. ‘I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. I’m not sure I shall dare to wear it.’
‘You mustn’t worry, it will be insured,’ Sebastian laughed and swept Betty up from her playpen to show her Mummy’s ring. The child laughed with delight and patted his face. ‘You’ve had to struggle for years, Lizzie. You see, I know more about your family than you realize, my love. Now you are mine, I want to spoil you and this little lady – give you both all the things you’ve never had. There are other pieces in the bank that match the ring, and they belong to you now, but I know you won’t wear them, because they’re old-fashioned and ostentatious. One day we’ll have them reset in a simpler fashion just for you.’ He shifted Betty into one arm and touched the end of Lizzie’s nose with one finger. ‘You’re a special woman, Lizzie Larch. I’m not sure you realize it yet, but you have it in you to be successful and to be much admired – and you’ll do it alone, whether I’m there to cheer you on or not, but remember, even if you can’t see or touch me, I’ll always be there for you, my darling.’
‘Oh, Sebastian, don’t. I need you so much.’
‘I need you more. You may not believe that, Lizzie, because you don’t know your own strength yet – but I want you to love me and I promise
I’ll never stop loving you. Now, I’ve got another surprise for you…’
‘Not more presents, Sebastian. I don’t need them – all I want is you.’
‘Ah, but this is something for Betty – a pretty doll with a china face, the sort you can’t buy these days. It’s not new, of course, but I think she will like it.’ He kissed the child and put her back in her playpen as she struggled to be free.
‘I’m sure she will. How could I say no to a gift for her?’ Lizzie kissed him and felt the passion of his embrace in return.
Lizzie smiled, because it was nice being spoiled. From somewhere Sebastian had obtained several extra clothing coupons, which she was able to use to buy a nice suit for her wedding and she’d bought some pretty summer dresses and sun bonnets for Betty too. This spring of 1941 was Betty’s first taste of the sunshine, the second spring of the war that was still making itself known across the country.
Lizzie asked if the coupons were black market, but Sebastian shook his head.
‘Don’t worry, they’re legal. I was owed them,’ he told her with a grin that set her heart racing. Lizzie suspected a ruthless streak in him, but something told her she could trust him and she did, because she knew that without him life would seem dull, almost pointless.
‘That’s all right then,’ she said and smiled at him as he leaned down and kissed her. ‘I love you so much, Sebastian.’
‘Good, because I’m crazy about you, Lizzie. I can’t wait to get my wedding ring on your finger – and I want to get to know Betty too. She’s your daughter and she’ll be mine too. This time we’ll take her to the sea with us, because you can’t be parted from her again… and I want you to be happy, darling. You mean the world to me…’
‘Thank you for caring for her too, Sebastian –I love you more than I ever thought possible…’ Lizzie felt the ache of desire inside as he kissed her and held her tight. What was she going to do when he left her, as she knew he must?
No, she wasn’t going to think about that; she would think about the wedding and the happiness yet to come.
Chapter 10
‘I’m so glad for you, Lizzie,’ Beth said as she looked at her, dressed for her wedding to Sebastian. ‘It’s time you were looked after and I know he cares for you – you can see it in the way his eyes follow you wherever you go.’
‘And you’re sure you can manage at the showroom until I come back? We’re only having four days away and this time we’re taking Betty with us. Sebastian says he’s looking forward to discovering what family life is like, but he’s told me I should employ a housekeeper or a nurse to look after her when we’re back to normal.’
‘Are you going to live in his house?’
‘No, not until he comes home,’ Lizzie said. ‘He’s let it out for the time being as some sort of private office for a member of the War Department, a friend of his I understand. I shall continue to live here for the time being – but I shall take his advice and look for a housekeeper to care for the children and keep things straight here. After all, we couldn’t expect your mum to do it for ever.’
‘No – and I shan’t be here much once you’re back to work…’ Beth drew a deep breath as Lizzie stared. ‘I’m going to marry Bernie. I shall stay on for a while and give you time to replace me, Lizzie – and I’ll visit often, but it’s best this way.’
‘Are you sure, Beth?’ Lizzie asked.
‘I made up my mind while you were away,’ Beth said. ‘I’ve told Bernie I’ll be his wife, so I can’t change my mind – and I’m fed up with trying to manage on my own. I know you let me live here and share everything, but I feel I shouldn’t let you give me so much – especially now…’ She stopped short of saying that she felt in the way now that Sebastian was sharing Lizzie’s bedroom. ‘We’ll always be best friends – but I think this is the right thing.’
Beth had felt she was contributing when Lizzie was in the same boat as her, but now it would be different. Lizzie was marrying a wealthy man. Even if he didn’t come back, she would be taken care of for the rest of her life; Beth would have felt like a hanger-on and she would rather marry again. Bernie seemed generous and kind and she believed that he sincerely loved her and the twins. It made sense to marry him – didn’t it?
‘Well, if you’re certain,’ Lizzie said. She was tempted to change her mind, to tell Lizzie that she didn’t really want to be Bernie’s wife, but then her mother entered the room to tell them the taxi was waiting and the moment was lost.
After that it was all excitement and laughter as they piled into the cars that took them to the Registry Office where the marriage was to take place. Lizzie was wearing a pale blue suit that she’d managed to buy with Sebastian’s coupons; it was the regulation style with an almost straight skirt and a fitted waist to the jacket, but although it wasn’t what Lizzie would have chosen for her wedding if there were more choice in the shops; it looked wonderful over a lovely French white silk blouse Sebastian had given her and teamed with the stylish hat she’d made herself, she looked beautiful.
Sebastian certainly thought so. Standing beside Lizzie as they were showered with confetti after the short service, he looked very handsome, much like one of the Hollywood stars they liked to watch at the flicks. Beth felt a twist of envy as she looked at Bernie. He was as tall as Sebastian but thicker set and his face was very… well, ordinary, she thought. Bernie wasn’t good-looking, neither was he ugly – just boring: the traitorous thought shocked Beth, because she realized it was wrong to feel that way about the man she’d promised to wed. It wasn’t fair to Bernie, but she just didn’t fancy him – she didn’t feel anything much for him, except gratitude. He’d been so good to her. She would try to be a good wife to him. She had to, because she didn’t know what else she could do.
Beth had given her heart twice now and in both cases she’d been hurt – Tony had seemed to be more interested in setting up his shop than courting her; they’d quarrelled and stopped seeing each other and then she’d fallen for Mark, her handsome Merchant Navy officer. Beth knew that if he’d lived, Mark would have married her – even if his family disapproved and she was sure they would have – but they never got the chance.
No one but Lizzie knew that she’d written to Mark Allen’s parents after his death. She’d received no reply to her letter and guessed that they either thought she was lying about having Mark’s children or didn’t want to know her. Marrying Bernie was the way forward. It might not be what she truly wanted, but at least the twins would have a father and a home of their own.
‘They’re leaving now, Beth,’ her mother gave her a little nudge after the cake had been cut and everyone had drunk a toast to the bride and groom. Despite the rationing, Sebastian had somehow managed to provide an excellent buffet lunch and a cake that was a huge delicious sponge filled with jam and fresh cream, and dusted with icing sugar and the traditional figures on top. ‘Give Lizzie the horseshoe for good luck, love.’
Brought back to herself, Beth rushed to give Lizzie the horseshoe they’d got for her; it was tied up with blue ribbons and rosettes. They kissed and embraced and then everyone went outside, and all at once Lizzie was getting into the back of the large sleek car with Betty’s carrycot beside her and then Sebastian was following her.
Beth waved like mad as the car drove off, feeling empty as it disappeared round the corner. She felt as if she’d lost something precious, as if a part of her life was over, and she was unsure about the years to come…
‘Come on, Beth love, I’ll take you home.’ Bernie’s hand on her arm made Beth jump. She felt coldness at her nape, and for a moment she wanted to pull away; she wanted to tell him she couldn’t marry him, but when she looked at him and saw the way he was smiling at her she couldn’t say the words. He’d been patient and it would be unfair to let him down now.
‘Lizzie looked lovely, didn’t she?’
‘Very nice,’ Bernie said. ‘It’s a good thing she’s married. She doesn’t need you now, Beth. You can start making plans fo
r our wedding. We shall be married in church and you’ll have a white dress. I’m proud of my Beth and I’ll make things proper for you.’
‘Bernie…’ the words of denial hovered on Beth’s tongue but she couldn’t say them. ‘Are you sure – I mean won’t people say I shouldn’t marry in white?’
‘I don’t mind what they say. Besides, they won’t say it to us,’ Bernie said and something glittered in his eyes like ice ‘You’ll be my wife, Beth. No one will say anything nasty to you or they’ll answer to me.’
For a moment there was something different about him. A little shiver went down her spine. Beth looked round for her parents but they were talking to Miriam Oliver, who had come to the wedding, although her husband had chosen to stay at home.
‘I’ll just say goodbye to Mum,’ she said, but Bernie’s fingers pressed into her arm and he steered her towards his car.
‘I’ve told her I’m taking you somewhere,’ he said. ‘Come on, Beth – I’m going to show you our house and you can choose our room and where the children will sleep…’
Beth let him ease her into the front seat. She had the sense that her life was no longer in her control and felt a moment of panic. She wished that things were the way they always had been, with her and Lizzie living together and Mum looking after the kids – but Lizzie was married and things would never be the same. Beth knew she couldn’t go back, she just had to make the most of the future…
*
Beth knew as soon as Bernie showed her the house that she’d made a mistake. It was old and dark, with heavy ugly furniture and dark cream paint with old-fashioned paper on the walls; it looked as if it belonged to the Victorian era and she guessed he hadn’t touched a thing since his father had left it to him. She hated the musty smell and felt defeated, even though she tried her best to seem pleased and picked the largest and lightest room for their bedroom.
‘Good choice,’ Bernie approved. ‘This was my mother’s room. She slept here alone after she became an invalid – but I’ll have all this stuff cleared out and you can pick your own furniture, Beth. I shouldn’t want to sleep in my mother’s bed.’