Uncle John’s Presents Mom’s Bathtub Reader

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Uncle John’s Presents Mom’s Bathtub Reader Page 24

by Bathroom Readers' Institute


  In a brilliant move that would make television history, Lucy insisted that her pregnancy become part of the storyline. The nervous TV executives gave in, but they substituted the word “expectant” for “pregnant” in the scripts and even hired a clergyman to ensure the morality of the episodes! Meanwhile, rather than being turned off by Lucy’s expanding “expectancy,” viewers were tuning in to set a ratings record.

  Since Lucy was really pregnant, the show was able to tap into the emotions of parents-to-be. One of the show’s most touching episodes is when Lucy is trying to tell Ricky that she is expecting, but she can’t get a moment alone with him. Finally, she goes to his nightclub and makes an anonymous request for Ricky to sing We’re Having a Baby to an expectant father. After searching the room for the dad-to-be, Ricky sees Lucy and realizes that he may be that guy himself. He rushes over to Lucy and the two are overcome with tears. Honest, emotional moments like these made I Love Lucy stand above most sitcoms of the 1950s and are part of the reason why the reruns are still enjoyed today.

  STRESS OF SUCCESS

  Back at the Chatsworth chicken farm, in real life, things weren’t going as smoothly. Lucille adored her kids, but her work schedule meant she had to hire maids and nannies to help take care of Desi, Jr., and Lucie. There were plenty of good and loving times for the Arnazes, but the series that was supposed to help Lucille raise her family actually cost her time with her children and may have even hurt her marriage. It didn’t help that Desi wasn’t the most faithful of husbands and his problems with alcohol weren’t improving. As Desilu Studios grew larger, the pressure increased and more money was at stake with every business decision. Lucille and Desi decided to end production of I Love Lucy in 1957. They worked together for 2 more years on The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour, which ended in 1960. Sadly, they ended their marriage that same year.

  HERE’S LUCY!

  As always, the real Lucy was a trouper. In 1968 she starred in another hit TV series, Here’s Lucy. This show was also a family affair and starred her two real kids as her character’s two teenagers. Working with Lucille wasn’t always easy, but the two children learned that getting laughs on TV was serious business. Problems with substance abuse forced Desi, Jr.’s early exit from the show. After much hardship, Lucille and her son worked through his problems together. Desi, Jr., not only gave up drugs, he also became a motivational speaker and worked to help other addicts recover.

  LOVING LUCILLE

  Lucille continued to perform in Here’s Lucy until 1974. It was her last series except for a few episodes twelve years later in Life With Lucy, when the 75-year-old Lucille appeared as a grandmother. As her career wound down, Lucy moved to New York to be closer to her daughter and grandchildren.

  Lucille Ball faced tough trials and heartaches that she couldn’t always conquer, but like most real-life moms, she struggled to give her kids what she thought they needed. Her life wasn’t a rose garden—or a sunny TV sitcom. But as Desi, Jr., later said, “We went through some painful stages but Mom’s love was intense and tenacious.” Reason enough to love Lucille.

  Would You Like Novocaine with That?

  While American moms value sparkling white smiles on their kids’ faces, other cultures have different ideas about teeth. In Alor, Indonesia, a mom sends adolescents to a have their teeth stained black with a paste made of bark. Their six front upper and lower teeth are also filed down to reduce their height. An Alor Mom considers her teens much more attractive after this procedure is done. But is it cheaper than braces?

  TV Moms V: Tough Mamas

  In the 21st century, moms are tough!

  There have never been TV moms like these. They can run their own lives and sometimes everyone else’s too. These series’ heroines are the matriarchs of the new millennium.

  LOIS WILKERSON: RUNNING THE SHOW

  The Show: Malcolm in the Middle (2000–present)

  A master of psychological warfare, Lois Wilkerson (played by Jane Kaczmarek) stops at little to get her boys to behave. A mother to five boys (six, if you count her husband, Hal), Lois has to be on top of her game at all times in order to keep control of the household. Though Lois seems to be a frustrated major general, in reality she’s a working mom trying to “hold on until the last one turns eighteen.” Her family eats together in almost traditional fashion, although Lois has been known to shave her husband’s back at the kitchen table. Nonetheless, she is law, or as her genius son Malcom would say, “the lord high magistrate and executioner, ultimate arbiter and dispenser of justice, inflicter of guilt.” No wonder he thinks that the best thing about childhood is that eventually it ends.

  Fun Fact: Jane Kaczmarek attended Yale Drama School and was a roommate of Kate Burton, the daughter of Richard Burton.

  LIVIA SOPRANO: MURDERING MOTHER?

  The Show: The Sopranos (1999–present)

  Easily the most evil mother ever to appear on TV, Livia Soprano (played by Nancy Marchand) wins hands down. Widowed 70-year-old Livia claimed to be a weak, helpless lady, but underneath lurked a menacing force to be reckoned with. She often boasted that she gave her entire life to her children “on a silver platter,” but mostly Livia gave her son, Tony, a series of panic attacks by tying him into emotional knots. Tony, a powerful mobster and a coldblooded killer, couldn’t easily gain the upper hand with his mother.

  After Mrs. Soprano accidentally ran down her neighbor with her car and nearly burned her house down while frying some mushrooms, Tony moved her into a palatial retirement home; Livia angrily demanded that he kill her instead. When her guilt trip didn’t work, she put a hit out on her son through another mob boss. Though that hit failed, until the moment that Livia died peacefully in her sleep (actress Marchand died of lung cancer), she gave Tony far more trouble than the FBI ever could.

  Fun Fact: The series creator, David Chase, loosely based the character of Livia on his own mother.

  SHARON OSBOURNE: DAD’S MANAGER

  The Show: The Osbournes (2002–present)

  Harriet and Ozzie started the reality tradition with their series based on their daily life. Today, Sharon Osbourne stars as “the mom” in today’s version of the reality series. Married to rocker Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon allowed MTV cameras into her home in Beverly Hills to track the antics of her husband, her two teenagers, and a passel of California’s most neurotic pets.

  From Harriet to Sharon and Ozzie to Ozzy, TV moms have changed. For one thing, there’s much more colorful language from Sharon. For another, Sharon is more than just a partner to her husband, she’s also his manager. She’s also the pillar of her family, making many of the decisions; the one the kids rely on if they get into trouble; and the one Ozzy turns to for just about everything. As always, Sharon shows that a good mom means good TV.

  Fun Fact: Some say Sharon stole Ozzy away from her father, in a professional sense. Sharon’s father, Don Arden, had been Ozzy’s manager until Sharon, in a savvy business decision, “took over” for him.

  “Women know

  The way to rear up children (to be just)

  They know a simple, merry, tender knack

  Of tying sashes, fitting baby-shoes

  And stringing pretty words that make no sense,

  And kissing full sense into empty words.”

  —Elizabeth Barrett Browning, from Aurora Leigh

  Uncle John’s Stage Mother Awards

  It’s time for stage moms to stop hiding behind their talented kids and come out for awards of their own.

  You’ve seen the Tonys, the Oscars, and the Golden Globes. But does the talent behind the talent ever get recognition? Of course we mean those pushy ladies who shoved their kids onto the stage and screen. It’s time they got the recognition they deserve.

  GERTRUDE TEMPLE: FOR PRENATAL EXCELLENCE

  Gertrude Temple was managing Shirley Temple before the little tyke was even born. Believing in the abilities of thought to shape destiny, the pregnant Gertie set her mind to delivering a baby girl named Shirley Jane. Gertie
then got busy with prenatal education. She went to museums, listened to classical music, viewed great architecture, and went dancing—all for the edification of her unborn Shirley. In 1928, when Shirley Temple finally did see the light of day, Gertrude continued to nurture her infant’s musical abilities. Mom played the radio for her baby and danced her around the house.

  It’s hard to argue with success. Shirley Temple was a movie star by the time she was four. Shirley’s singing and dancing and bouncing curls were so popular that she saved her movie studio from bankruptcy. She even won one of those golden statuettes—a special Oscar in 1934 “in grateful recognition to her outstanding contribution to screen entertainment.”

  ROSE HOVICK: OUTSTANDING

  ACHIEVEMENT IN VICARIOUS LIVING

  What kind of mother would push her daughter into a career as a burlesque stripper? Rose Hovick, that’s who. In her own words, Rose was “a woman alone in the world with two babies to support.” In 1918, when daughter Louise was four years old, Mama Rose put her up on the vaudeville stage with her younger sister, June, who was the star of their act, “Dainty June and Her Newsboy Songsters.” To ensure success, Rose would even sabotage competing acts, filching their sheet music or costumes.

  When June was 13, she eloped with one of her Newsboys, leaving Louise the center of attention. Rose began to realize that vaudeville’s days were numbered. Refusing to give up on vicarious stardom, she put 15-year-old Louise on the burlesque stage. Louise didn’t reveal what she was supposed to, but her shyness and her teasing had appeal. With Rose’s nudging, Louise became Gypsy Rose Lee, the most famous stripper of her day. Rose was delighted—after all, it was top billing.

  In 1957, the stripper wrote Gypsy, a memoir about life with her overbearing stage mother. Adapted from the book, the hit Broadway musical immortalized Rose forever. The show may be called Gypsy, but it’s all about Mama Rose.

  ETHEL GUMM: BEST PHARMACEUTICAL EFFECTS

  Ethel Gumm, a former vaudeville performer, realized that she’d never be a great success. Transferring her ambition to her daughters, she put them on the vaudeville stage as the Gumm Sisters. The youngest girl, Frances “Baby” Gumm, was only two years old when mom started her in show busines. Frances was the most talented of the trio, and even as a toddler, she had a surprisingly full, expressive voice that could stop the show.

  There were times when Frances wished she could stop the show, but Ethel knew that her daughter was special, and she was relentless about keeping her onstage. Mama moved the family to California, where she dragged her talented tyke—who by then had changed her name from Frances Gumm to Judy Garland—to every studio audition she could find.

  Finally in 1935, at 13 years old, Judy was signed by MGM and launched on a path to stardom. Along the way she was also launched on a darker path to addiction. Studio head Louis B. Mayer wanted Judy thinner, and Ethel gave diet pills and sedatives to Judy to help keep her thin.

  Judy won an Oscar for Best Juvenile Performance in The Wizard of Oz. For her efforts, Mama Gumm receives this award and a permanent place in the Hall of Shame.

  SARAH BERLINGER:

  BEST MAMA IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

  Sarah Berlinger was determined that her son was going to be a star. Whenever he performed, she sat in the audience, watching and ready to criticize if one of his rapid-fire jokes fell flat. At a very early age, Sarah made little Mendel Berlinger a child model. (He later changed his name to Milton Berle.) By age 15, Milton had already appeared in silent films with stars like Charlie Chaplin and Douglas Fairbanks and sung in Broadway musical reviews. Sarah put him on the vaudeville circuit and began her career of monitoring every single one of her boy’s performances, even if he did ten a day.

  In 1948, funnyman Milton Berle became the first big star of television. Uncle Miltie’s shows featuring cross-dressing antics and stand-up comedy routines earned him the title Mr. Television. He performed until the doctors made him stop at the age of 90.

  Sometimes other comedians accused Milton of stealing material, but Sarah proudly defended her boy. “He wouldn’t stoop so low!” she declared. “He stoops high!” It wasn’t always easy being the mother of a comedian who was once called the “Thief of Badgags,” but she supported him all the way.

  The Last Words

  “Mother’s love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved.” —Erich Fromm

  “Life began with waking up and loving my mother’s face.” —George Eliot

  “The mother’s heart is the child’s schoolroom.” —Henry Ward Beecher

  “My mother was the making of me.” —Thomas Alva Edison

  Answer Pages

  LIT 101: THE PLAY’S THE THING

  Answers for pages 34–35.

  1. E (Both A & D)

  Medea kills everyone and escapes on her chariot drawn by dragons. Jason is left alone and robbed of all ambition since his former wife has taken everything from him.

  2. C

  The shepherd takes the child, Oedipus, away, but instead of killing him, arranges for him to be raised in far-away Corinth. When Oedipus grows up, he travels to Thebes, mistakenly kills the king, and marries Jocasta. When they realize what they have done, Jocasta hangs herself and Oedipus takes the pins from her robe and uses them to poke out his eyes.

  3. B

  Gertrude seeks out advice from elderly windbag Polonius, a court advisor and father to Hamlet’s girlfriend, Ophelia. Polonius first suggests that Hamlet’s madness is caused by his love for Ophelia. After Hamlet tells Ophelia to get lost, that theory is quickly ruled out. Next, Polonius from behind a tapestry offers to eavesdrop on Hamlet and his mom while they discuss the prince’s weird behavior. Hearing a rustle, Hamlet stabs Polonius through the curtain because he suspects it is his murderous uncle cowering behind there. Gertrude herself doesn’t escape the play alive either. She drinks a cup of wine, poisoned by Claudius, who had intended it for Hamlet.

  4. E (All of the above)

  In this play, which T. S. Eliot called “the worst play written in the English language,” all of the bloody doings above (and more) actually take place. Ultimately, Titus Andronicus hosts a feast at which Tamora is served her sons baked in a pie. For dessert, all the main participants kill one another.

  LIT 101: A NOVEL APPROACH

  Answers for pages 128–129.

  1. E (Both B & C)

  Anna runs off with Vronsky and they soon tire of each other. She has a daughter by him, then neglects her. In the end, she commits suicide by jumping in front of a train. Ironically, Karenin ends up raising her daughter.

  2. E (Both A & D)

  Moll returns to England where she has a number of escapades. She marries Jemy, a former highwayman, who turns out to be her favorite husband of all. Alas, the couple soon runs out of money, and he leaves her to return to his previous life as a thief. Impoverished and alone, Moll herself turns into a common thief and prostitute. Eventually, she is caught and imprisoned. She (falsely) pleads her belly and has her sentence reduced. Luckily for her, Jemy has also been imprisoned. The two reunite in jail and are eventually sent together to the United States.

  3. C

  Hester raises her daughter, Pearl, in a cottage bordering the woods. Pearl turns into quite a rebellious handful as she grows, but Hester never loses her dignity. She uses her sewing skills to earn money and do good works. She never betrays Pearl’s father, who we learn is the town’s minister.

  4. B

  Eliza flees with Harry. With Harry in her arms, she bravely crosses the Ohio River by jumping from one ice floe to another. With the help of the people of the Underground Railroad and a settlement of Quakers, she reaches Canada and is reunited with her husband, mother, and sister-in-law. Eventually she and her family travel to Liberia to found a colony for ex-slaves.

  SPOT THE MOM!

  Answers for pages 232–234.

  1. Indira had two sons. Her eldest son, Rajiv Gandhi (1944–1991), succeeded her as prime minister. The younger son, S
anjay (1946–1980), died in an air crash.

  2. Margaret Thatcher was tough enough to raise twins—a boy and a girl.

  3. Wilma Mankiller brought her two daughters with her when she moved back to Oklahoma. She also has a stepson by her second marriage.

  4. Condoleezza Rice has no children.

  MORE SPOT THE MOMS!

  Answers for pages 250–252.

  1. Beryl had a son who grew up with his father and rarely saw mom.

  2. Jackie never had children.

  3. Valentina’s daughter Elena became a doctor. She was the first child to have had both parents who had been in space.

  4. Dr. Ride has no children.

  SPOT THOSE MOMS, AGAIN!

  Answers from pages 272–274.

  1. Frank and Annie had no children.

  2. Jane Addams never married or had children.

  3. Sandra Day O’Connor has three sons.

 

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