by Sierra Dean
I didn’t want to regret killing her.
The guilt probably had more to do with the danger my loved ones had been put in because of my need to kill her, or the deep-seated belief I had that Grandmere was more torn up about this than she let on. But another part of me did feel bad for murdering Mercy.
How could I not feel bad?
I’d killed my own mother.
This was the shit Shakespearean tragedies were made of, if Willy had written about vampires and werewolves. But the elements were all there. A throne in contention, a pretender to the crown, a violent clash between parent and child. Add a crazy chick drowning in a river and my life might as well be called Were-Hamlet.
I wanted to go home.
I needed to sleep in my own bed, and with two of the biggest demons exiled from my messy mental closet, maybe I could get through the whole night without a nightmare.
But I should know better than anyone that killing the source didn’t necessarily stop the bad dreams from sneaking up on you.
I got back to my feet, kicking her one more time for good measure. My bitterness at her doubled back on myself because I felt worse for the extra burden of guilt I was feeling. She was dead and I should rejoice. Yet I’d learned at this point there was no joy to be found in murder.
The Doctor. Alexandre Peyton. Now Mercy McQueen.
They’d all died at my hand, and I didn’t feel happy about a single one.
I just felt tired.
Angling Mercy’s body so she leaned forward, I took a mighty swing at her neck and watched her head fall into her lap.
Then I cried.
I cried so hard my body shook and I struggled to catch my breath. When Desmond found me, I couldn’t stop. I gasped, trying to speak, but only sobbing hiccups came out.
Finally he took me back into the house where Grandmere led me to my basement bedroom.
I wept until my pillowcases were stained pink with my tears.
And when I was sure there was nothing left for me to cry out, the sun rose and I was lost to sleep at last.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Not for the first time, I was grateful I didn’t have to fly commercial.
Between two caged werewolves, a cache of weapons and a boxed head, I didn’t think we’d fare too well in a traditional airport. The idea of a full cavity search at the hands of a TSA agent held no appeal, so when I settled into the plush leather seat on the jet, I thanked my lucky stars.
Spacious though the plane was, the two animal crates wouldn’t fit in the cabin, forcing us to stow Ben and Fairfax in the cargo hold. I’d personally traveled in the same hold once and knew the vamps had outfitted it for basic life support. They might not need to breathe, but they still liked the option. The temperature would get a bit chillier than the controlled passenger climate, but nothing that would endanger them.
All the same, I felt bad for stowing my brother away like luggage.
I’d had the option to leave Mercy’s head there as well, but decided that would be cruelty on top of cruelty. We could all survive the smell of blood if the head traveled with us. She was too freshly dead for the reek of decomposition to take hold. Right now she just smelled like…meat.
It wasn’t pleasant to think of a dead body in the same category as a steak, but when push came to shove, they were sort of the same thing.
Except nobody was going to eat Mercy.
I hoped.
Who really knew, though, with the werewolves? There was a chance they might all get together in a big naked circle around a fire and do some sort of weird ritual with her brain.
I put the box on one of the empty seats, and after a moment’s consideration I belted it in to be on the safe side. A bit of turbulence and the head might go flying. I tried to think of a way that might be comical, but there was no way it was anything other than disgusting. And psychologically damaging to everyone on board.
We were all scarred enough after the previous night; we didn’t need to add insult to injury.
The seats were individual, so I didn’t need to make a big show of things by sitting next to Desmond. I took the seat across the aisle from Grandmere and let the boys take the seats behind each of us. When we got to Louisiana and everything with Mercy was sorted, I’d have a chat with Desmond about how serious his proposal was.
Considering he’d done it when we were on the verge of death, I suspected he meant it, but on the other hand—he had nothing to lose in that situation. If he wanted to take it back, I’d give him a chance.
It also saved me from having to make any serious announcements to Holden or Grandmere for the time being. I wanted to be sure I had something to tell them first.
Plus, if we were in Louisiana, I had to admit I wanted to follow protocol and save us a lot of future turmoil by running the union by Callum first. I wasn’t sure how second marriages worked within the pack. Technically I was still married to Lucas, as far as wolf weddings went. But before approving my marriage to Lucas, Callum had not-so-subtly hinted I was making the wrong choice. He’d known even then Desmond was the better fit.
I hoped his opinion hadn’t changed and things would run smoothly in that department. I had enough to worry about when I inevitably broke the news to Holden.
My guilt ratcheted up a few notches, and I felt like I might throw up. I’d never broken up with anyone before. Not in the traditional sense. My first serious boyfriend, Gabriel, had left me. Lucas had stood me up on our wedding day. Desmond had even broken up with me once. I knew all about getting dumped, because I tended to hang on to my relationships until well past their expiry date. I had no idea how to tell Holden it was over, because half of me didn’t want it to be over.
How could I break up with someone when I still loved them?
Pulling my knees up to my chest, I stared out the window into the dark night around the Steinbach airport. The runway lights and the faint glow of the city beyond were the only illumination. Once we got into the air, those would vanish too. Flying over the prairies at night was a lonely thing.
When we’d arrived the previous day, I thought I would be back in New York within two days, tops. Now I was flying well out of the way, and home wasn’t even on the radar anymore. I never thought I’d miss that part of my life so badly. Nolan had just come home, Shane was becoming a sensible human being now that he was in love, and I still had so many questions for Tyler. My new role within the FBI was fresh, and I’d barely had any time to process what it meant.
I hadn’t thought I’d live to see the day I looked forward to having a sit-down with the FBI. But if things took a nasty turn with the council, there was a chance Tyler might be the one shot I had at survival. The government thought of me as an asset, and they wouldn’t want to lose me. If anyone could protect me against the wrath of the Tribunal, it would be them.
A long shot, sure, but if it meant I lived, I’d take it.
Even if it meant living in secrecy. It wasn’t like that was anything new to me.
“You are a thousand miles away,” Grandmere said. The distance across the aisle was too wide for her to reach for my hand, but she was angled in her seat, staring at me intently.
“It’s been a crazy few days.” How long had it been since I left Paris? It felt like a hundred years ago, but it had actually been less than a week.
“For you, bebe, it has been a crazy life.”
I had to laugh. She was a hundred percent right. My life had never been easy, had it? And every time I thought I had cleared my docket of problems, more cropped up to replace them.
“You think I’ll ever be able to rest? Just sit home and, like, learn to knit or something?”
“You will find peace when you no longer crave chaos.” She gave me a knowing smile. “That’s how life works.”
“I think I’m plenty done with chaos, thanks.”
“Non. You are not, or you would no longer be surrounded by it. You will know when you’re done. You’ll know when the time has come for you to be still.
Though I do not believe you will learn to knit. You cannot sit still long enough.”
“You just had to point out the glaring holes in my plan, didn’t you?” I smiled back at her, and the warmth of her love for me briefly staved off my guilt. I could barely believe I’d saved her. She could have been taken from me, and the only real family I’d known would be gone with her.
In my adult life I’d built approximations, but nothing to match the bond I felt to her. I loved my sister Eugenia, but we still barely knew each other. I loved Ben, but the way one loves a person they are only bonded to with blood. In time I might grow to like him, but for now it was a forced kind of love I couldn’t help but feel. I loved Keaty, but kept my heart at a safe distance. I’d loved Brigit like a sister, but…
Grandmere was the North on my compass. She was the reason I knew I could love at all because I loved her so fiercely I would kill a thousand Mercys if it meant protecting her. There were only a handful of people I would lay down my life for, and she was first among them.
“I cannot believe I agreed to come along,” she said.
Grandmere hadn’t set foot in Louisiana since I was a baby. As far as I knew, she hadn’t been back to the South since we left South Carolina when I was four. That was almost twenty years away from the place she’d called home for much of her life.
Almost twenty-four years since she’d seen her son.
And now I was bringing her back.
I hadn’t forced her to join us, but I’d made it clear I didn’t like the idea of leaving her behind after everything that had gone down. Even though she was out of danger—as far as I knew—I still wasn’t ready to let her out of my sight. She’d agreed to come along so quickly I wondered if maybe she hadn’t been waiting for an excuse.
Convincing the pilot had been another kettle of fish entirely. Since he was technically on retainer to the vampire council, he didn’t love the idea of flying us anywhere but New York. I guess the vampires only had one jet, and I’d been hogging it.
When I reminded him of my position at the head of the council he worked for, he’d stopped arguing. I had a nagging suspicion he was going to call Sig up and tattle on me once we were in the air, though. My authority must not have been very commanding with the bruise still fading over my nearly healed cheekbone and the claw marks that had turned my jacket sleeve to ribbons.
When Desmond suggested I throw it out, I almost cried again.
Funny how something as silly as a jacket could come to mean so much to me, but the damned thing had survived some incredibly hellish situations. I wasn’t about to throw it out now.
Besides which, it had been a present. Sort of, considering I don’t think Dominick had meant for me to keep it when he loaned it to me originally.
A few hours into our flight I decided to get ahead of the bullet and text Sig myself. I sent him a quick message detailing what I knew about the drugs Arturo was supplying. Maybe if he could expose the West Coast leader for what he really was, a little of the heat would come off me. After all, what was worse: a traitor or a vampire with werewolf DNA?
I tried not to dwell on that question because the answer was obvious even to me.
Whatever happened with Arturo, the council wasn’t going to be jumping at the opportunity to forgive me for my lie. Politics wasn’t fun no matter which way I looked at it.
My phone buzzed with a reply from Sig.
Your vendetta is over. The time has come to return.
Thanks but no thanks. I replied, Something has come up with the wolves. I will be back as soon as I can.
A few seconds later I received, Do you think it wise to spend time amongst the wolves right now ;-)
I stared at the screen, and a bubbling snort of laughter escaped me. Had Sig seriously used a winky face emoticon in a text?
That was meant to be a question mark. This technology is infuriating. Who needs to type semicolon dash closed bracket that often?
He actually spelled out the words.
It’s a winking smiley face, I answered.
Foolishness. I am neither smiling nor winking.
That I believed one hundred percent, but it didn’t stop me from giggling whenever I looked back at his accidental wink.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
It was surprisingly warm in Baton Rouge when we landed. Coming from Manitoba to the Deep South meant we’d gone a long ways in running from the weather. I’d definitely experienced hotter, muggier weather in Louisiana, but it was a nice change from the chill we’d left.
A large transport van and a green SUV met our plane on the tarmac. I recognized our two liaisons immediately. Amelia, a middle-aged woman with silver-streaked hair, was Callum’s right-hand woman in situations like this. Her daughter, Magnolia, stood next to her, looking anxious.
Magnolia and Amelia couldn’t have been more different. Where Amelia was cold and domineering, Mags was warm and often too sweet for her own good. I had fond memories of only one of them.
“Secret!” Magnolia greeted brightly, waving as my group disembarked the plane.
Amelia grabbed Mags’s hand and pulled it back down, cutting the wave short. Evidently the older woman didn’t think enthusiasm was warranted here.
For once I didn’t disagree with her.
The last time I’d come to visit Callum, Holden had been forced to stay away because of what he was. This time around, though, I hadn’t even considered the ramifications of bringing him along. I didn’t care. Callum had summoned me here, and given everything I’d just gone through, if he wanted me to come, I was bringing the vampire with me.
“Amelia.” I nodded to the woman. “Ben and Fairfax are being unloaded right now. I’m assuming Callum told you about their condition.”
“Yes. A fine mess you’ve made again…Your Highness.”
I didn’t like Amelia. Amelia didn’t like me. Normally I’d let it slide, but she should know better than to address me inappropriately, and I couldn’t help but think she was using it as a means to belittle me.
“I believe you were present during my marriage ceremony. I would appreciate it, for as long as I remain bound to Lucas, if you would use my proper title.” I stared at her, practically daring her to challenge me.
“Apologies, Your Majesty.”
“Thank you. And I think you’d also do well not to pin the blame for this fine mess on me. I’m not the one who did this to them.” Try telling that to my guilty conscience though. “Once they’re back with Callum, they will be returned to normal.”
She sneered.
I glowered.
The drive back to St. Francisville was going to be an exciting one.
Holden and Desmond came to flank me. “This is Desmond Alvarez, Lieutenant of the Eastern pack king.” I indicated Desmond, who hadn’t joined our group during our previous trip here. Amelia bowed her head slightly, but since the two were relative equals in importance, she did not address him by a title. He mirrored her gesture. “And this is Holden Chancery.”
Magnolia gasped, though it wasn’t because she knew his name. She must have only then really paid any attention to him and realized what he was.
“Secret, he’s a—”
“I’m aware.”
“But we can’t—”
I stopped her mid-argument. “If Callum wants to see me and wants what I’ve brought for him, he will accept all the members of my party as equals, and no harm will come to any of them. Is that understood?” This statement was meant more for Amelia than Mags, since the elder werewolf was the one with all the real power.
“Understood,” Amelia replied.
Magnolia looked as if she wanted to argue some more, so I placed my hand on her shoulder and gave it a tender squeeze. “Let me deal with Callum. If he’s going to yell at anyone, it’s going to be me. I promise.”
And boy-howdy would there be yelling, I had no doubt whatsoever. Callum was likely to flip his shit when he realized I’d brought a vampire among his pack. But if the worst thing that hap
pened to me while I was here was getting chastised by my uncle, I was pretty sure I could handle it.
We loaded the two kennels into the back of the van, and I buckled the box with Mercy’s head in it in the passenger seat next to Amelia. All parties were probably better off with this seating arrangement.
Holden was obviously aware of how uncomfortable he made Magnolia and agreed to ride in the backseat of the SUV. Grandmere took shotgun, leaving no way for Desmond and me to share a seat comfortably. I could have wedged in between him and Holden in the SUV, but I didn’t think I could handle the awkwardness for the whole trip.
Which meant either leaving the boys to ride together, or forcing Desmond to sit alone in the back of the van. I couldn’t ask Holden to switch cars because the two wolves wouldn’t respond well to being in such close quarters with a vampire.
Rather than banishing either of them from the SUV, I decided to sit in the van with Ben and Fairfax. It wasn’t the best solution, leaving Holden and Desmond alone together, but they’d been behaving themselves for several months now, and I suspected they could survive another hour.
This, of course, meant I got to spend some quality time alone with Amelia during the drive.
I’d have rather traded small talk with the head in the box.
After twenty minutes it became evident neither of us were going to be the first to speak, and I think we were both relieved to let the whole trip pass in silence.
It left too much time alone with my thoughts, but sometimes it was necessary to listen to yourself for a little while.
When we finally turned onto the long driveway leading up to my uncle’s old plantation house, I was ready to be out of the enclosed space. Between plane to rental car to plane to van, I was itching for some fresh air in my lungs and the freedom of a solitary run. The werewolf in me was none too fond of being caged up, so I knew Ben and Fairfax must be twice as antsy.