by Ostrow, Lexi
Another pound from the hammer into the nail wedged into her heart. At this rate, she would shatter before she left the room.
“Does it start to help?”
Regina nodded, the turban on her head slipping just a little exposing her mostly bald head. She said nothing as she resituated it. “It does. It won’t until you’ve really accepted what is happening to you—and at Stage Three, I know you’ll be starting treatment soon.” She gestured around the room at the other six who had moved from sitting in a circle to standing in one. “It’s needed. Other people, they don’t understand what this feels like. They’ll pity us, tell us they want to help, but in the end, you need people like you. Terry’s husband left out of the blue—sometimes the signs are apparent. Sometimes groups like this become chemo session buddies. Morbid, sure, but true.”
“How old are you?”
“Seventeen. Cancer makes you wise.” Her sideways smile was as heart-wrenching as it was kind.
“Thirty. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through.”
“That’s the beauty of this group—soon you’ll have firsthand experience.”
She winced. “Can I ask you something . . . personal?”
Regina shrugged. “That’s honestly the point of these meetings.”
“Is it hard to be in a relationship with someone when you have this . . . this illness hanging over you?”
“I think it can be hard sometimes. I’ve been with my boyfriend since we were fifteen. Sure high school sweethearts are nothing, but without him, I might have given up a long time ago. Are you thinking about ending something with someone so they don’t get hurt if you die?”
Cassandra might as well have been falling backward into an enormous hole. Black threatened to overtake her vision, and the voices in the room were little more than murmurs. “I’d never thought of that. Oh my god.”
She dropped back into the chair. Cassandra had been against starting something with Gabe because she hadn’t wanted someone to be with her because she was broken or to have someone pity her. She’d never imagined she could die and hurt him. “I was so tangled up in myself, and how I was feeling, I didn’t even think what this could do to someone if I died.” Not having a family reared its ugly head once more. With no one to care about her, she hadn’t had a moment to realize her death could actually hurt someone.
“I think if you’re the one running from the relationship there’s a good chance they’ve already thought about the hard fact of your death. Don’t run. Love makes you stronger, and we need that. Shay and Damon aren’t just some random success story.”
Her hands tingled again like they had in Judy’s office. It wasn’t a symptom of anything other than her panic. Turning, she stared at the couple in the group, noticing the way they fit together with their hands intertwined and Shay’s head on Damon’s shoulder. Love brightened their smiles.
Do it. Cassandra spoke to herself before she’d even thoroughly thought about what it was she doing. Lay all the cards on the table and if he’s in, don’t push him away. What if he’s the one to save you?
“Thank you, Regina. You’re right. Cancer does make you wise. It’s not much, but you’ve helped at least me tonight.” She wished she could hug the young girl, but didn’t dare risk seeming insensitive to the concern of germs.
In a short moment, Cassandra went from thinking talking to people suffering from cancer was too much to handle, to realizing exactly why Judy and Diana insisted she go to this group. She was still wary, but she understood. They had experience Cassandra wouldn’t. She would learn and hopefully teach someone when the time was right. This was the point of being with others like herself. Walking away from Regina, she stood just far enough away from the others not to intrude. “Excuse me?”
Six eyes landed on her.
“I wanted to say thank you. I didn’t speak to all of you, but I am grateful something like this exists. It’s funny, I thought I wouldn’t be even remotely interested in returning, but I am. Already.”
“Glad to have helped. I’m Toby.” An older man, obviously past his sixties, waved at her. “Care to join us for dinner?”
“I’d love too, but thanks to Regina, I’ve realized there’s something else I actually need to do. Next week?”
He nodded, warmth shining from his almost brown-black eyes.
She turned, letting out a breath. Stopping just before the door, she pulled her phone from her jeans pocket and sent a text message to Gabe asking if he’d meet her for a walk. Everything was changing, but it didn’t mean things had to fall apart. Not unless she let it.
Twelve
“Excuse miss, did you call for a walking buddy?” Gabe’s voice rang out from where he stood at the street corner, waving as he walked closer.
Butterflies danced in her stomach when she saw him. She had no right to feel as excited as she did to see him, but it was undeniable. He was every bit as handsome as the past two times she’d been in his company, only this time, she was picturing how he looked underneath his clothes. Cassandra! Hissing at herself for the dirty thought didn’t remove the smile as she imagined how his broad body would look as he lay on her bed.
You’re getting ahead of yourself. One moment you wanted to push him away and now you’re ready to sleep with him—or at least sleep in bed with him? Take a breather.
She couldn’t stop her smile. In fact, her happiness went bone deep. Just the site of Gabe made her feel . . . better. She was either insane to be resting so much on this one man she’d just met, or the universe had other plans for them.
Snow had fallen, the first snow of the season. He looked so gallant as he jogged across the street, kicking up the freshly fallen snow.
“That would be me.” She couldn’t take her eyes off a shimmering glow around him as he walked closer. Rubbing her eyes did nothing. Her imagination made him almost godlike.
“Well then, your date has arrived.” Gabe dropped a kiss to her cheek when he stopped before her, his enchanting eyes filled with something she couldn’t entirely determine.
He extended his hand, and she was glad to see he had on gloves this time. Unlike Gabe, she paused at the notion of slipping her hand into his. What they had was so new, she wasn’t ready to dive in—but would it be so wrong to take a leap?
Desire or not, Cassandra wasn’t a risk taking kind of girl. She shoved her hands the pockets of her coat. “I don’t know if I’m ready for something like that. I know it sounds silly since I texted you to meet me.”
“Say no more. However, like it or not, I’m going to consider this an official date. Walking you to the hospital was merely out of concern. The other night only happened because of my jacket. I promise you, I came here now with full expectations of this being our first date.”
“You’re refreshingly open.” She began to stroll away from the hospital, towards the tree-lined median in the center of the street. The white Christmas lights were already lit, even in late November, providing a beautiful warm glow for them to walk under.
He quickly matched her pace and walked beside her. “That’s a good thing, because I don’t know any other way to be.”
They were silent for a moment, sidestepping a man and his daschund out for an early evening walk. The dog shied away from her, likely able to smell her sickness.
“Can I ask what prompted your text? It’s been a few days, I figured you were done with me after returning my jacket.”
A smile lifted the corner of her lips at the slight insecurity she heard. “If a man like you can be insecure over a woman’s affection, I don’t know what the world is coming to, but you’ve been with all the wrong women.”
“Suffice it to say I’m okay with that since it led me to the woman I might have been waiting for.”
She flushed red, and not from the cold. Taking her hands from her coat, she rubbed them together before cupping them against her mouth and breathing. It wouldn’t warm her gloved hands, but it did wonders for her chilled nose.
“I’m sor
ry. Since you’re honest, I’m going to do my best to be. I didn’t call or text because I was certain there was no reason to. You lent me your coat, I returned it. I didn’t want to entangle myself with the handsome, seemingly well-to-do man who threatened to unbalance my already shaken world.”
“What changed your mind?” He walked beside her, glancing at her as he spoke but mostly focused on the trees they passed.
“I went to my first group session—not exactly therapy, but it felt like it. The people there, their stories were so much further along than mine, and yet, their lives were still going. One boy was losing hope, his doctor’s had given up on him. A woman’s husband walked on out her because he didn’t want the burden of caring for someone with cancer.”
“Those sound like horrible reasons to want to see me.” He frowned and his hand brushed against her shoulder.
“I’m not finished.” He reminded her of some of the young boys when she told them stories; always rushing to know the end.
“Then, please, continue.”
“It was probably one of the most horrific experiences I’ve had since I was nine and my first foster family returned me.” She put air quotes around the word return and didn’t bother to hide the disgust she felt for the action. “But there were two sides of the coin. A young girl, far too young to be suffering, has been with her boyfriend for two years through the disease. Another couple found each other in group, and both say it made them fight harder.”
He arched a blond brow. “I’m a little denser than I appear—what are you telling me?”
She blew out a breath and watched as it danced on the air thanks to the cold. Slipping her hands from her jacket pocket, she took Gabe’s, stunned by how much heat his hands generated when he closed his hand around hers. “I’m saying that if the guy who lent me his jacket still has ulterior motives, I’m open-minded where that is concerned.”
“I promise you, my motives are the same. And if it means I play a part in saving your life, I’m more than interested.” He leaned down, allowing his lips to brush hers for the briefest of seconds.
It was the second time they’d shared such a chaste kiss, and her body warmed from the small touch. She wanted him to do it again, and without being such a gentleman. “I’m becoming far too interested in kissing you.”
“Why the change of heart? I’m going to hope it’s more than you found out a - romantic entanglement as I believe you referred to it - will save you.”
“You have a wonderful memory.”
He shrugged and tugged her over to a metal bench that was free of snow. “My worst feature, I assure you.”
She chuckled. “I enjoy being with you. Both times were short, but you made me laugh in moments when laughter should have been impossible. You just did it now as well. Even if death did not have my number, I’d be looking for someone whose career gives back, who’s funny, charming and hot.”
He blinked twice. “Did you just refer to me as hot?”
Throwing her head back with laughter she grinned at him. “I find you incredibly sexy. I’m not blind and if sex helps me fight for a cure,” she leaned into him and let her lips hover above his. “I am fairly certain there is not a man I’d rather have it with in all of Boston.”
Forwardness had never been a character trait she’d possessed, but the group showed her the importance of living at the moment. I guess the fear of dying without truly living will make a person do some very . . . presumptuous things. She knew it was precisely the reason why she wanted to make every moment with Gabe count.
Gabe was certain that nothing short of losing his wings bedding this woman was going to ease the throbbing in his cock. The lust surging through him as she toyed with him was unlike anything he’d ever experienced. Forbidden fruit. Though as her lips slanted over his, he knew another reason made him desire her.
The coolness of her lips on his worried him, just for an instant, about the cold.
“Cassandra?”
“If you tell me you’re not interested now that I’ve opened up to you and am throwing myself into PDA I’m going to hurt you.”
He chuckled, running his hand down her cheek. “You feel cold. Are you certain being out here is smart?”
“Apparently until I start treatments, everything is the same. I don’t think I’ll catch a cold sitting here with gloves, a sweater and a jacket on. So, if you were using that as an excuse to see my place, you’ll have to hold off, buddy.”
Smiling, he tilted her chin back and kissed her. Her moan of pleasure was like a hand caressing his shaft. He twisted and wrapped his arms around her body so he could tug her onto his lap. Every single moment they kissed was a step he walked closer to falling.
He couldn’t justify away the way his tongue slipped into her mouth, stroking hers until she lay her hands on either side of his face. This wasn’t about getting close to her to present her case to the Council of Angels, this was simply about getting close to her.
Gabe knew the moment his control slipped. His hand began to unbutton the large black buttons on her camel-colored coat, and he stopped.
“I’m going to add perfect gentleman to that list of reasons why I’m here with you right now.” She kissed him again, her lips closed but lingering over his for just a moment as she rocked her body against his. “Because you saw what was a moment of weakness and instead of taking advantage of it, you stopped.”
His hands went to her hips, locking her against him. “Make no mistake about my intentions. If we weren’t sitting on a park bench, there is no chance I would have stopped.” He felt nothing but the truth as he uttered the heated statement. A revelation that shook him to his core.
Angels fall all the time. You’re going to be one of them if you don’t report back to the council immediately.
Her weight shifted, and he could no more stop his groan of pleasure than he could stop breathing.
“I’m going to be an even bigger gentleman and point out that we should get you inside. We might be on fire, but the air is getting colder. If we’re going to one day find out what comes next, I’d like to make sure I’m part of the reason you’re still healthy.”
Without warning, tears sprang into her dazzling eyes. She sobbed twice and wiped at her eyes. “I’m so sorry. I don’t normally fall apart at kind gestures. I promise.”
Something as simple as simple as caring for her, a basic human dignity, means the world to her. She’s broken. The thought nearly brought a tear to Gabe’s eye. Instead, he stood with her, tugged her up and wrapped her in his arms, cradling her against his chest. Her skin was cold, but he knew humans ran colder than angels and breathed a sigh of relief that she wasn’t feverish or freezing.
“Come on then. Let’s get you home.”
Cassandra sighed and stepped out of his embrace. “While I am very interested in seeing where this could go, I stand by my comment the other night. I refuse to ever be a damsel in distress. I’ll see myself home.”
He chuckled, impressed once more by her determination to do everything independently. “You amaze me. You travel the world for work, wanted to tackle the harshest illnesses on the planet alone and you don’t even let a man be a gentleman and walk you home.”
Her smile was infectious, and he took comfort in knowing she could still find joy. She was going to need joy once her trials began.
The ring of her phone cut through the strange silence surrounding them. “I don’t need to get that.”
“You might.” He gestured with his head toward her bag. “You never know now.”
Frowning, she reached into her bag. Gabe couldn’t see if the caller had been saved in her contacts because of the angle she held it on, but she did answer.
“Hello?” Quick pause. “Hi, yes, I’m Cassandra.”
Gabe could hear a woman’s voice, but it was far too quiet and muffled with the phone pressed to Cassandra’s ear. What I wouldn’t give for my Guardian hearing. Without the ability to hear what was being said, he focused his gaze on Cassan
dra’s face.
A blast of fear cast a shadow over her, and he noticed her fingers grew white where they gripped the cell phone. The unfamiliar racing of his heart was unpleasant. He’d never experienced worry like this as an Angel, and he didn’t enjoy it. Understatement. You’re ready to snap the phone from her hands to listen in, you hate it.
“Okay, yes.” She pulled the phone from her ear, and her gaze was little more than a blank stare.
She said nothing as she put the phone back in her purse, her eyes still fixated on something in the distance, unblinking.
“Cassandra?” He took a step closer to her worry that she might collapse riding him. She didn’t so much as blink her bright blue eyes at her name. So he tried again, putting his hands on her shoulders and squeezing gently. “Cassandra?”
“Sorry.” She didn’t shake her head or turn to look at him, but she did at least blink. “That was my doctor.”
Gabe might as well have swallowed a two-ton weight with the pit in his stomach. “Is everything alright?”
“My results came back.” She pulled her gaze to him finally. “I start chemo in two days.” Tears brimmed in her eyes and spilled over without her even closing her eyes to release them. She was calm though her hands shook.
“Cassandra, let me walk you home.”
She appeared catatonic still as she shook her head.
“Cassandra, please. This might seem odd, but I do care about you already. I want to get to know you more, and I’ll be a nervous wreck if you don’t let me walk you home.” Every part of his being knew he was in over his head, but he didn’t care. Getting his charge home safely was all that mattered.
She finally switched her stare over to him, and after a few seconds, her eyes lost the faraway look. “I appreciate the offer, and I appreciate you saving me from myself and joining me on such short notice.” She looked around at the snow, some of the happiness slipping away from her expression. “I don’t think I’ll be able to enjoy the snow again.” Her hands balled into fists at her side. “Just one more reason to fight this. I don’t want to be trapped living in a bubble doing volunteer work for the rest of my days.”