by Man, Alina
As soon as she walks away, Shelly continues her conversation as if she was never interrupted. “So like I was saying, the authors of these books are probably laughing all the way to the bank. I mean, how brilliant of an idea is this. It gives the mild-mannered housewife a way to explore unimaginable territories, the husband collects the rewards, and the author makes a fortune. It’s a win-win situation. For everyone. Cheers to the eBook.”
“I’ve always thought you were a little nuts, but you just confirmed that theory.”
“Oh pfff. Like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”
“Well, I guess. So what have you been up to? Mom said you were getting serious with Lloyd or whatever his name is.”
“Yeah it’s Lloyd. Not that it matters. We were pretty serious until we went to his place one evening and while we were making out, he started talking. Not just talking but dirty talking. At first, I thought ok maybe I’m hallucinating. I mean, it just didn’t sound right, you know? Then he asks me to talk back, and I swear I almost peed myself laughing. I mean what the fuck, are you kidding me? So needless to say, he didn’t find my laughing amusing, so yeah. That was it.”
At this point, I’m holding my stomach, tears streaming down my face. I’m half way on the floor, wine gushing through my nose, laughing. And I can totally picture her cracking up as he is all into it trying to get her to talk dirty to him. Priceless.
“What is wrong with guys nowadays? I mean, seriously girl. Do I have a fuck-me-then-leave-me sign on my forehead? Why can’t I just meet a decent guy, someone to grow old with?” The laughing disappears, and I push myself up to give her a quick hug. I guess no matter how hard the outside shell is, inside we’re all soft and mushy, in need of love.
“Maybe because that special guy is not ready for you yet.”
“Awe. That’s such bullshit, but I love you for trying to make me feel better anyway.” By lunchtime we’re both buzzed, Shelly more than me, but we’re equally happy. The food is as delicious as any other dish her mom has ever prepared. We eat and drink some more.
“Oh my God, girl. I can’t remember the last time I was this full.” Her mom has already gone to lie down, and we’re left alone in the cozy kitchen. “I know I’ve told you before, but you must know just how lucky you are to have your mom. She really is one amazing woman.”
“So is yours. Which makes me wonder how did we end up so screwed up?” She laughs wholeheartedly, and at this point, I’m not sure if it’s me or the wine doing the laughing. “I have to move out girl, and I have to do it fast. It’s not good for my mom to have me here.”
“What do you mean? She loves having you here.”
“She’s stressed out of her mind. She’s worried about me and that’s why she does the one thing she knows how to do best. Cook.” Is this why my mom is always trying to feed me?
“I’m sure that’s not true. She’s always loved to cook. We both know that.” Shelly shakes her head in denial.
“Not like this. This is so much more than that. She did tell me once that she’s worried I’m going to die alone. I tried to joke about it and told her I’ll just have to make sure I’ll die before her. Not a good joke, I know, but it was the best I could come up with on the spot. Let’s just say she almost started crying. So I’ve been keeping quiet, and now I just stuff my face every time she puts a plate in front of me.”
“Listen Shel, if you ever need a place to stay, you can come and move with me. There’s plenty of room.” One minute I’m trying to comfort her, the next she’s squeezing the life out of me in one of those tight hugs that she’s always been known for.
“I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it, and I’ll keep that in mind. But for now, I have to find myself. Find out what it is that I want to do with my life. Thirty is not too far away, and I feel like I’ve wasted so much time already.”
“I know what you mean. Come on, let’s clean this kitchen up before we both start crying and scare the crap out of your mom. I don’t think I can eat anything else for another month.”
Chapter 15
My mom finally returns home, and Shelly and her mom join us for dinner. It almost feels like old times, yet it’s not the same. At midnight, we exchange gifts and take turns telling stories from way back, high school days.
Shelly’s mom cries when she sees the mixer I got her. What she doesn’t know is that it was one of my gifts from my bridal shower. A gift that was never used. It never came out of the box. We, Sam and I, didn’t want to use it until we were done remodeling the kitchen. Instead, we had most of the gifts still packed away in storage. It didn’t feel right to use them now. They were meant for both of us, gifts for a soon to be married couple, not a widow. God, I hate that word.
It was after one in the morning when Shelly and her mom finally went home. Mom kissed me goodnight, the same way she did when I was little, and I was left alone, just me and my thoughts. The living room looks like a winter wonderland, every nook and cranny filled with snowmen, angels, and colorful lights. Mom always loved Christmas, and from the looks of it that love hasn’t changed. If anything, it has got stronger.
I pour myself a glass of red wine and grab one of mom’s old paperbacks. Nothing like a good book to take your mind off things. I’m about to dive in when I get the text from David. Just seeing his name light up the screen makes me smile.
“Merry Christmas Jenny”
“same to you. How’s Lily?”
“she’s good. She loved your gifts. You spoil her too much”
Would it be weird if I told him that I loved that little girl as if she were mine? That there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her? Maybe it is weird. It sounds weird even to me, but it’s true.
“she went to sleep dressed in all the three princesses’ outfits”
“I can just imagine how cute she must look. I’m glad she liked them. I wanted one for myself but they didn’t have them in my size”
“lol I wouldn’t mind seeing you dressed in one of those outfits”
Before I could reply, the phone rang and I had to take a few short breaths to calm my nerves. It was as if this was our first time talking on the phone. Pull yourself together woman.
“Hey, babe. How come you’re up so late?”
“Maybe because I knew you would call?”
“Do you always have to answer a question with a question?”
“Haha, very funny. Why are you up?”
“Lily didn’t want to go to bed, then I started talking to Dad about things, and before I knew it, it was almost morning. I’m sorry I texted you so late.” His voice wraps around me like a soft warm sweater.
“I wasn’t sleeping anyway.”
“So, did you decide? Are you coming here this weekend? Ring in the new year with me, Lily, and my family? They would love to meet you.” Did he tell them about me already?
“No, but thanks for the invite. I’m actually going to spend it with mom and my next door neighbor.” There’s a momentary silence and I wonder if I lost him. “Hello?”
“Next door neighbor?”
“Seriously? Come on, you can’t be jealous.” I want to add that we’re not even officially a couple, but I decide that it’s best to keep that to myself.
“Damn right I am. So who’s this neighbor?”
“Relax. Her name is Shelly and we went to school together. I’m sure you’ll get to meet her someday.” I hear him let out a loud sigh. Was he really jealous? I don’t think Sam has ever been jealous. Not that he had reasons to be. But he was so confident in himself, in us, that jealousy was never an issue.
“Oh Shelly? Well ok.” Another long pause follows, yet it’s not uncomfortable. By now I know how he is. He’s probably over-thinking this whole thing, maybe even coming up with ideas of how to get me to go spend the New Year with him. He also knows that he will not be successful. “I wish you were here. I really miss you.”
“David, look—”
“Please babe, don’t ruin it. Just let me do the t
alking. I don’t expect you to say anything until you’re ready, and I know right now you’re not. But I feel what I feel and that’s not going to change, even if you say things like ‘David, look.’ So I’ll say that I miss you so much it hurts, and I would give anything to have you right next to me right now, and you’re going to be a good girl and listen.” How does he do that? How does he make me laugh all the time, even when I don’t feel like it?
A few minutes later, we say goodnight. I hang up and I’m sitting there all alone, and I realize that I miss him, too. The book no longer appeals so I walk up to my room with thoughts of David following me every step. He’s done it. He’s found a way to mend my broken heart. I don’t know when I finally fell asleep, but the smile I had on before I went to bed was still there in the morning. It was going to be a good day.
“I still don’t know why you won’t stay here until after the holidays. I don’t have to go visit Gloria.” I’m having breakfast with Mom and she’s not happy with my decision to go home today. Gloria is her sister, and I know she would have more fun there than staying home with me.
“Ma, it’s not a big deal. Besides, I’m sure there’s some kind of block party I could crash if I feel like celebrating. Stop worrying about me, please.”
“Who else do I have to worry about, sweetheart? You are my baby, no matter how old you get.” She holds my face in her soft hands and pulls me closer for a kiss on the forehead. It makes me think of Shelly’s words. Until she sees some change in my life, she will never stop worrying.
“Maybe after the New Year I can have a small party at my house. Invite Shelly and her mom so they can meet David.” Her face lights up the moment I say David’s name. Like he’s the answer to everything. If that’s what makes her happy, then I’m ok with it.
“Oh honey, that’s a wonderful idea. Maybe like a housewarming party since you didn’t have one when you moved it.”
“Sure Mom, why not.” I can almost see her wheels turning. Already planning everything. “I’m going to go say bye to Shelly then go home. I don’t want to get caught in a snowstorm.”
“You do that. I’m going to pack some food for you to take home.” That meant I had at least thirty minutes to visit with Shelly. When it comes to packing food, she always makes sure to give me enough to last at least a week.
The chill hits me the second I open the door. I cover my face with my wool scarf and hurry as fast as I can down the few steps towards Shelly’s driveway. I find her outside on the porch smoking.
“What in the, woman? Are you crazy? You’ll freeze your ass off. I can’t believe your lungs are not frozen already.” She smiles but puts out the half-finished cigarette.
“Let’s go inside, softie.”
“Can’t stay long. I’m driving home today.”
“How come? Big plans with Mr. Take-It-Slow?”
“Very funny, but no.” I follow her inside, thankful to be out of the cold. It smells like cinnamon, warm dough, and coffee.
“Want some coffee?” she asks and pours herself a cup.
“Sure why not. Where’s your mom?”
“She didn’t feel good so she went back to bed.” I take the cup from her and wrap my fingers around it.
“I’m sorry. I hope it’s nothing serious.” She slowly drinks the hot liquid and shakes her head.
“She’ll be fine. I told you she worries too much. Why are you going home? Didn’t you say David is out of town?”
“He is.”
“Umm, then why are you going home again?”
“Because I want to, now stop being such a mother. I’ll call you, ok? Oh, and let me know if you ever need a place to crash.” There is a plate full of cinnamon buns on the table, glaze and everything. “She made this for you?” I ask Shelly and point at the plate. “What time did she get up?”
“That’s the thing. She didn’t go to bed last night. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t wait for the year to be over so I can start my job search again. No one is hiring right now and most of the places are closed for the holidays.” I stay silent. I don’t know what to tell her. How can I comfort her when my life is such a mess?
“Have you tried to talk to her Shel?”
“She won’t listen. She just changes the subject. I think she looks at Lucas and how happy he is with his family, and immediately feels that since I don’t have that I can’t possibly be happy. We are both exhausted. Me, from trying to make her see I’m ok, and her from trying to fix me with every single bachelor she comes across. Anyway, it will be fine. Next year is going to be great, I can feel it.”
“I am here for you. Just tell me what you need and if I can, I’ll help you.” I look at the clock on the wall and decide it’s time for me to head out. “I better get going. I hate the traffic right now with all the last minute shoppers.”
“These are not shoppers,” she laughs. “These are the people that realized they spent too much on Christmas and are now returning the shit in hope to get some of that money back.”
“You’re still nuts, I tell you. Call me anytime, you hear? I don’t sleep much anyway.”
“I will. Don’t start worrying about me too. I have enough of that here at home.”
I walk back to the house and just in the short walk, I can tell the temperature has dropped a few degrees. Mom is busy packing food and cookies for me to take home. The kitchen table is covered in plastic containers but I pretend not to see them. If I say anything, she’ll get her feelings hurt so I might as well smile and prepare to eat turkey and sugar cookies for at least six months.
“Honey, you’re all set. I got you two jars of your favorite jam and there are two boxes of cookies here. Just one is for you. The other is for Lily. Don’t forget. I really wish you would stay, but I know you’re stubborn just like your dad, may he rest in peace.”
“Mom.” When she doesn’t answer, I turn her around and gather her into my arms. “Mom, I want you to promise me that you’ll have fun at Aunt Gloria’s, and in return I’ll promise to do anything I can to get my life going. What do you say? Do we have a deal or what?” I watch her shake her head and a little smile forms in the corner of her mouth.
“You got yourself a deal, missy.”
Chapter 16
I spend the next few days writing and making a dent in the box of cookies. I go through cups a coffee like a high-end coffee shop, which could be the reason why I no longer feel the need to sleep. The novel I’m working on is nothing like any I’ve written before. It’s light and full of fluff, cheerful. The way it’s heading, it will most likely have a happy ending. Do I believe in happy endings?
Shelly keeps calling, making sure I haven’t gone crazy again, and I love her for that. She knows just what to say and when to say it. I listen to her talk about the party she’s going to on the thirty-first but as before, I decline the invite.
She calls again on the day of the party. The last day of the year. The day I write on my calendar as the last day of my old life.
“Why are you stubborn? Just say you’ll go, and I won’t bug you about it anymore. Come on. You can be my date. What if I end up going home with some psycho?”
“I think you’ll be just fine without me. Maybe even get lucky and find someone worth your time. Listen, are you still looking for a job?”
“You know it. Are you going to hire me to be your muse or something?” God, she’s crazy.
“I got all the muse I need for now, but I’ll keep you posted. But seriously, as I was driving home the other day, I saw a big help wanted sign at Johny’s.”
“The bar? You kidding me?” Her voice goes up an octave, a clear sign of excitement.
“I take it you want that job?”
“Hell to the yeah, girl. You know how good the tips are there. I’m going to call right now. Scratch that. I’m driving there.” She hangs up without saying goodbye but it doesn’t bother me. I know how she is and she’ll call back again to apologize. One thing about Shelly? She hasn’t changed a bit. Still a
ll over the place, still lovable and loyal. Still the Shelly I’ve known all my life. Unlike me, she did not let her past change her. I wish I could say the same about myself, but I know better.
I make a quick cup of tea and look out the kitchen window while the water boils. The street is empty and there are no footprints in the snow. It looks so peaceful, like a postcard. Perfect weather for some writing. I grab the cup of tea and move to my office to do some work. I stare at the computer screen and smile for no reason at all. After a quick call to my mom, I decide to check in with Valerie.
“Hello dear?” her cheerful voice greets me.
“Hi Valerie. I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”
“No, I was actually getting ready to go out. What about you? Any plans for tonight?” A while back I would’ve lied to her about my plans.
“Nope. Staying home and getting some work done. But then again I might change my mind the last minute and join Shelly or something.”
“Good, good. You shouldn’t be alone, tonight of all nights.”
“You’re right. Listen, I won’t keep you any longer. Have a wonderful time and Happy New Year.”
“Same to you, dear. Same to you.”
“Oh, and Valerie? Thank you for everything. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me. Just wanted you to know that.”
“You’re very welcome,” she says after a short pause.
We say our goodbyes and before I can forget, I send a quick text to David. I don’t want to talk to him right now. He’ll know I’m all alone on New Years and there’s no point in ruining the fun for him. I stare at the phone for a few seconds, but there’s no reply from him. The battery is almost dead so I turn it off and plug in the charger. No distractions mean more work.
I type until my fingers go numb and the room grows dark. I glance to the clock and see that it’s almost midnight. Another year is about to go by. Another year wasted. I turn the laptop off and stretch my tired bones. Maybe a sandwich and some TV will help me sleep tonight.