“Really? I never thought of that.”
He was hovering over her again. She could see crow’s feet forming around the outer edges of his eyes, and he had a scar on his neck.
“Where are you from?” he asked.
“San Diego.”
His eyes lit up. “So am I! I used to dance down there. Years ago.”
“How many years ago?” She wondered how long he had been stripping for.
“Twelve years.”
She kind of felt sorry for him. He was like a rock star that was leaving his prime and had nothing left to do. She sensed she was probably the only lap dance he’d get all night. No one wanted him anymore. No one desired him. And stripping was his passion.
She tipped him ten dollars when it was over. “You should also try Curel lotion. It’s the best, and it’s really cheap, too. My dermatologist recommends it. And stay out of the sun. You’re a cute girl. You don’t need a tan.”
She liked Cheesedick and could see them being friends, doing lunch and exchanging tips on skin products.
Val came racing over. She pulled Cate away as if she were saving her from a rabid dog. “Caaaaate! I don’t know what happened! That was not who we ordered for you. I was trying to put an end to it, but Billy was pinning me down the whole time. Chrissy and Nikki are getting to the bottom of this nightmare right now.”
“Val, it’s okay. He was nice.”
“He was nice?”
“Yeah. He gave me all kinds of tips for my sunburn.”
“Tips for your sunburn?”
Nikki and Chrissy approached, frantic. They squeezed Cate as if she had been through an ordeal. “Cate, we are soooo sor-ry.” They shook their heads. “We ordered Brent for you. The one with the fireman outfit, and they mixed it up with Brett. We’re getting you Brent for free.”
“It’s all right. Really, I don’t need Brent.”
“No. You’re getting Brent. And your new friendship with Cheesedick is starting to worry me,” Val said.
“Why don’t one of you guys let Brent dance for you instead? That way we’ll get two dances for the price of one.”
Loni jumped at the opportunity for an intimate moment with the half-naked firefighter. “I’ll do it!”
“Perfect.” The waiter walked by, and Cate ordered them all a round of buttery nipple shots.
“I think we need a picture!” Val threw an arm around Cate’s shoulders. They took five pictures with five different disposable cameras.
After the photo shoot, Cate went to the ladies’ room. While in line she noticed that her cell phone was beeping, indicating she had messages. Excited, she dialed voice mail.
“Hola. I’ve tried to call you three times. Why haven’t you answered? Adios.”
Cate called him back.
“Where are you?” he asked.
“Olympic Gardens.”
“You are? You’re in a strip club. Why didn’t you answer when I called?”
“I couldn’t hear the phone. It’s really loud in here.”
“Well, I’ve been calling you.”
“Well, I’m sorry.” She sensed a little jealousy in his voice and kind of liked it. “I couldn’t hear you.”
“I miss you,” he said.
“I miss you, too.”
Her turn came for the bathroom. “Are you picking me up from the airport tomorrow?” she asked.
“Yes. I can’t wait to see you.”
“I know. Me, too.”
She was having a great night.
The following morning, Cate felt as if she had been beaten over the head with a penis crown. When she stepped out of bed to retrieve aspirin, she noticed that Val’s bed was empty. Then she remembered that her cousin had taken a hit of ecstasy and danced off to a twenty-four-hour nightclub with two of the strippers from Olympic Gardens.
In the bathroom, she rummaged through her makeup bag for her bottle of aspirin. She groaned when she accidentally dropped the bag on the floor and all of the contents scattered across the tile. She picked up the bottle and popped two pills in her mouth, drinking straight from the faucet when she washed them down.
The water tasted delicious. She found one of the only glasses Val had not mixed a cocktail in and filled it. She gulped down three glasses of water before returning to bed.
She lay in her bed, air-conditioning blasting into the room as she tried to piece together the night. Had she done anything stupid? She’d been crocked, that was for sure. But as she recalled, she’d actually been the voice of reason when two of Val’s friends had gotten in a fight over Hunter, the stripping postman. Then she’d spent a solid thirty minutes helping Tina clean puke off her shirt in the bathroom. And after Cheesedick, she’d managed to steer clear of any more lap dances. That was a relief. Guilt would’ve haunted her for ages if she had done anything that would’ve potentially hurt Paul. It would have been unfair to do anything that she would be ashamed to do right in front of him.
She was drifting back to sleep when a loud crash outside the door woke her. She heard Val giggling. She listened while Val fumbled with the door handle. After a few attempts to open the door, she finally made a sloppy entrance into the room, Chrissy and Nikki in tow. They were laughing.
Val was barefoot and holding one high-heeled shoe in her hand. Her crown was gone, something red was spilled down the front of her shirt, and she was missing an earring.
“Good morning!” she declared when she noticed Cate. “My shoe broke!”
The girls erupted in laughter.
“How?” Cate asked.
“Oh my God. It was so funny,” Nikki began.
Val interrupted. “We were dancing and this guy was spinning me around and the heel of my shoe hit a table and came right off. It just snapped off.”
“It flew across the bar . . .” Chrissy said. They were all laughing so hard that they could barely finish the story. “The bouncer thought that Val had thrown something, and we were almost kicked out.”
“Val was more pissed about her shoe than almost being kicked out,” Nikki said.
Val threw her remaining heel to the floor. “Fuckin’ shoes. Those cost me three hundred dollars.”
She flopped down on the bed. “Thank God my flight doesn’t leave ’til tonight,” she groaned. “I need a nap.”
After Chrissy and Nikki left, Cate decided to take a shower. The smell of cigarettes in her hair was making her hangover worse. She was dying to scrub herself. She took a long, steamy shower.
When she turned the water off, she could hear Val on the phone.
“No, sweetie. I didn’t hook up with anyone last night. Did you have strippers at your party?” Cate listened while Val described a PG-13 version of the night to her fiancé. “No. We just stopped in the strip club real quick. Most of the men were completely cheesy. All my friends were flirting with them, but I didn’t care.” She continued to convince Jim that she could probably qualify for canonization. “I love you,” she said.
Cate wondered how long it had taken for them to tell each other they loved each other. She and Paul had been dating for nearly a year and had never told each other they loved each other. Was that normal? Any time she heard Paul use the word love in a sentence her ears perked up with anticipation, and her heart skipped a beat. But he’d always been referring to something else.
Her college boyfriend, Keith, had said it after three weeks. At nineteen she thought his unbridled profession of love was premature. Even though she wasn’t sure what it meant, she’d said it back. For a while she had Keith in the palm of her hand. He called her between classes and came over to watch Friends with Cate and her roommates. She vowed that she would never, ever be like the girls who sat waiting for their boyfriends to call, running to a guy when he said it was convenient to hang out.
She’d had Keith at her mercy until she lost her virginity to him. Then, Monday Night Football had taken on a new meaning for him and skateboarding with the same friends he woke up to every morning became a career. After thr
ee months of analyzing Keith to the extent of being able to provide a doctoral thesis, she threw in the towel. She held her chin high and strode on, concealing her wounded pride.
After Val hung up, she flopped down on the bed.
“Can I ask you something?” Cate said.
“No. I didn’t get laid last night.” She laughed. “Just kidding. Well, I mean I didn’t. But seriously, what were you going to ask?
“How long was it before you and Jim said ‘I love you.’”
She thought about it. “Maybe eight months. Why? You still waitin’ for Paul to say it?”
“Yeah. We’ve been dating for about a year now. But considering how often he travels, I guess the time that we’ve actually spent together has probably been more equivalent to five months.”
“Just be patient. He’ll say it. I was always wondering when Jim was going to say it and as soon as I forgot about it, he said it. Whatever you do, don’t say it first. You’ll scare the shit out of him.”
“I know.” She felt better hearing that it had taken Jim eight months to profess his love to Val. Maybe Paul wasn’t as far behind as she thought.
Val sat up. “I feel guilty.”
“Why?” Cate asked as she wrapped a towel around her head.
“Because Jim was just asking me all kinds of questions. His dad was at his bachelor party. They didn’t even have strippers or anything. They just went to a Padres game and had some beer and peanuts.”
“Well, you didn’t do anything . . .” Cate chose her words selectively. “. . . that could ruin your relationship, right?”
“I guess not.”
Neither one of them seemed convinced.
6 • The Accidental Funeral
“Paul’s coming to the wedding?” Her mother asked, the same way she would say, You’re wearing that?
“Yeah. Why? Is something wrong with that?”
“No. I just thought you said he was going to Boston.”
“He is. But he’ll be back in time for the wedding.”
“Well, you know if he’s already agreed to go, it’s very rude to cancel on these things. It’s very important that they have a precise head count to pay for all the entrées that they order.”
“I know, Mom. He’s not going to flake.”
It was a Friday, and they were in Cate’s car heading to church. About once a month Cate attended noon Mass with her mother at Saint Mary’s, then they had lunch at Trattoria Acqua.
“So, is Paul coming to the rehearsal dinner, too?”
“Yes,” Cate replied.
“I thought his constant traveling was bothering you,” Connie said.
“It was. But I think I’m going on some trips with him soon.”
“Oh really? In the same hotel room?”
Then it happened. She was saved. A cat darted in front of the car. Glory be. Cate slammed on the brakes. Her mother screamed. They missed the cat within inches.
“That was close,” her mother breathed.
“Was that cat black?”
“Oh, Cate. You shouldn’t believe in superstitions.”
“Did you know that black cats are actually a sign of good luck and not bad luck?”
“I don’t believe in luck. I only believe in blessings.”
“All right,” Cate said as they pulled up to Saint Mary’s. The old church was one of the simplest yet most beautiful chapels in San Diego. Cate had attended Mass at Saint Mary’s for over a decade. It was a small, quaint chapel set in the midst of businesses and trendy restaurants in La Jolla. Cate liked the airy feeling inside the church, the way sea breezes wafted through the open windows and soft sunlight cast rays over the polished hardwood floors.
All the curbside parking was taken, which was unusual for a weekday mass. She could see people standing outside and wondered why they were dressed in suits and nice dresses. Weekday Masses were usually jeans and T-shirts. She drove a block away from the church and managed to squeeze into a parallel parking spot.
“Hmm. I wonder what’s going on,” Connie remarked.
Cate felt a flicker of joy. There might be some kind of event going on at church. Maybe weekday Mass was canceled! Being raised Catholic, she knew it was terrible to be happy about a canceled Mass, but she was starving and couldn’t help it if she felt faint.
As they neared the church, Cate noticed that it was extremely quiet, with people whispering. The chapel was half full inside.
“Oh, it’s a wedding,” Cate said, noticing the framed photo of a couple in front of the church. Then she saw the lilies—and the coffin. “Er, uh . . . I mean a funeral.” She prayed no one heard the wedding remark. She felt as if she had just walked in on her mother wrapping Christmas gifts.
Her mother, unfazed, picked up a funeral program and proceeded down the church aisle, waving to a few of her church friends. She took a seat midchapel.
Cate slid in next to her. “Mom, this a funeral. I think we should go.”
Connie shrugged. “I guess Father must have done some weird scheduling thing today. But it’s still Mass. We’re here to receive the Blessed Sacrament. That’s all that matters.”
Cate stared at her mother.
“What?” Connie said. “It’s just Mass, Cate. You need to do penance anyway for never attending.”
“Mother, do you even know this person?”
“No.”
“Are you out of your mind?” Cate was trying to keep her voice low, but she couldn’t help it if it had raised a decibel or two. “I mean, are you crazy?”
Her mom looked at her. “It’s Mass. Anyone can come.” She began to reach for her missal. “You can leave if you want, Cate. Why don’t you leave and come get me in an hour?” Something about the way she suggested it seemed more like a guilt trip than an invitation to depart.
“You’re honestly planning on staying at someone’s funeral that you don’t even know?”
Before she could give her stock answer of it’s Mass, Cate reached for her car keys. “I’ll see you in an hour.”
She made it out of the church just as the organist began to play “Amazing Grace.”
This was worse than the time her mother had confiscated all of her Duran Duran tapes when Cate was a preteen, claiming they were straight from Hell. She remembered how uncomfortable she had felt when her friends had asked what happened to her cassettes. Explaining her mother’s theory that “Rio” was actually a metaphor for the devil, and “Save a Prayer” was blasphemous was too embarrassing. Even Beth’s mom, the head of the San Diego Republican party, let her daughter listen to Duran Duran. Too ashamed of the truth, she’d told her friends that she’d lost all the tapes.
She was heading to her car when she heard someone call her name. “Hey, Cate!”
She spun around.
“Ethan! I keep running into you.”
“I know. It’s amazing how many people I’ve run into since I started this business. I swear I’ve seen more old friends.” Then his smile faded. “You’re not here for the, uh . . .” He pointed toward the chapel. “Fune—”
“No.” She shook her head. “My mom, um . . .” How in the hell was she going to explain this one? “My mom’s here. She . . . uh, decided to stay, and we’re going to lunch after . . .” She felt clumsy with embarrassment and immediately changed the subject. “What are you doing here?”
“We’re catering the reception. It’s in the church hall afterwards.” He ran his fingers through his dark hair. “So how have you been? Did you ever get everything sorted out that night?”
Cate remembered the ride in his van to USD, Claude held at her mercy in the men’s room. “Oh, yeah. Yes. Everything was fine.”
Why did she always run into him in the most bizarre moments of her life? If he only knew that she had locked someone in a bathroom for over five hours, and that her mother was attending an accidental funeral, Ethan would think she was a complete nut. Then again, he’d known Cate for a good portion of her life. When Cate had been grounded for doing something
unholy like sleeping in instead of going to Mass, Ethan had help her sneak out her bedroom window. Then they would walk to the cove and sit on the cliffs, usually with a six-pack of Keystone Light.
“Anyway, I’m glad I ran into you,” he said. “We’re making a new menu and catalogs and stuff, and I remembered that you were a photographer. I wanted to ask if you could take some pictures for our company. We’ll pay you, of course.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, I remembered all those pictures you used to take in high school and the one that got the prize at the Del Mar Fair. I still have some of the photos you sent me when you were at USD. Then you were talking about photography the other night. I thought you might want to make some extra cash while you’re not teaching this summer.”
“Yeah, I’d love to.”
“It won’t be the most exciting photo shoot. It will be mostly our entrées.” Her stomach growled when he mentioned food.
“That’s okay. I’d love to.”
She’d never had a real photo assignment before. Except for her entry in the Del Mar Fair ten years ago, the only other recognition she’d received was a free calendar when one of Grease’s photos had been selected in a page-a-day contest. He’d been September 29. The picture was hanging on her wall.
“Lemme grab your phone number real quick,” he said.
They exchanged phone numbers.
“I’ve gotta get back into the kitchen, but I’ll give you a call this week.”
Cate felt flattered. She couldn’t believe he remembered things she’d photographed from ten years ago.
Her stomach released a loud and obnoxious growl as she walked to the car. She was tempted to grab a fish taco at Wahoo’s but decided to go to Sav-On instead. Grease needed some things. Besides, she loved Sav-On. She could spend an entire day walking down the aisles, putting things in her cart.
She pushed a cart through the entrance. As she passed the rows of registers, she grabbed a Snickers bar and ate the entire thing while she walked toward pet supplies. She picked out some catnip for Grease. He was a little addict. Then she picked out two scented candles, a lint roller, a new fan for her bedroom, and a nail polish—red. At the cash register she included the empty candy bar wrapper in her purchases.
Always the Bridesmaid Page 7