“Yes it does.”
Jill sighed. “Why are you so afraid to talk to him?”
“Because I don’t want to hurt him. Don’t you see? Everything has changed now. We hooked up. He has expectations. He wants more than friendship, and I am now in a situation where I have to tell him that I don’t want the same thing. I’m going to hurt him, and I just haven’t figured out how to do it yet.”
“Well, totally blowing him off is probably the best route,” Jill said sarcastically.
“I’m not blowing him off!” Cate was defensive. “I guess I’m just trying to lay the foundation—send him hints—so it’s easier when I do have to break it to him.”
“What you’re doing is acting like a man.”
“No, I’m not. Look, part of me doesn’t know what to think about Ethan. Sometimes when I think about him, I get butterflies, but then something changes inside me, and I become afraid. I can’t torment him while I try to figure myself out. It’s not fair. I honestly don’t know what to do.”
“Why can’t you just see where it goes with him? I don’t understand why you have to make such a bold decision about him all at once. It’s called dating, Cate. You don’t have to marry the guy. You spend time with him to see if he is the one for you.”
Before Cate had a chance to answer, the phone rang. She glanced at the Caller ID. “It’s him!”
“Answer it.”
“I can’t! Not yet! Not now!”
In a flash, Jill grabbed the phone. Cate tried to rip it from her hand, but Jill was stronger. “Don’t! Don’t you dare answer that,” Cate said between gritted teeth.
Jill looked at her the same way Timothy Sickle did the day she told him not to put glue in his mouth and he proceeded to shove the entire glue stick between his lips like a lollipop right in front of her.
“Hello,” Jill said coolly into the receiver. “Ethan! How are you? Good. That’s great. I’ve been good, too.” She eyeballed Cate, who was making a dash for the front door. Jill raced to the door, barricading the only exit with her body. “What? Oh no. Everything is fine. The cat was just, um . . . doing something he shouldn’t have been doing. Cate? Yes. She’s right here.”
She passed the phone to Cate. “You are going to pay for this,” Cate whispered before she took the phone. “Hello.” She walked into her bedroom and closed the door behind her. She didn’t want Jill eavesdropping.
“Hey!” he said. “Finally, I got a hold of you.”
God, she knew how he felt. She was treating him the same way Paul had treated her.
“I know. I guess we’ve been playing a little game of phone tag. I’ve just been so busy with school and other stuff.”
“Yeah.” There was an awkward silence. “Well, I’d like to see you again soon.”
She wanted to blink three times and disappear into the Twilight Zone. “All right.” She said it cautiously.
“What are you doing Thursday?” he asked.
Think of something—fast! “Thursday . . .” Her mind was blank, completely devoid of excuses. “Thursday’s um . . . okay.”
They planned to meet at six.
“What are you gonna do?” Jill asked after Cate told her about the Thursday plans.
“I don’t know, Dr. Jill. Thanks for putting me on the spot.”
“Well, just go out with him and see what happens.”
“I can’t! That would be fine if he was some average Joe that I met last weekend at some average bar. But he’s not. He’s Ethan. He is my friend, and I can’t just play with his feelings. You can’t experiment with people you care about. You can’t just see where it goes.”
“Well, it’s a little late for that, sweetie. You’ve already crossed the line.”
Cate spent the following two days dreaming up excuses to cancel. Parent-teacher conferences. A wedding-related event. A mandatory family function that she couldn’t refuse. She knew it was terrible, but she could not go out with him. She tossed and turned all night. She became even more conflicted when she was struck with unexpected flashes of desire to see him. She liked the way he never beat around the bush and the way his eyes stayed round even when he smiled. But she knew she couldn’t lead him on. He didn’t sweep her off her feet. She’d never become giddy or nervous when he called. There had never been an immediate spark like she’d had with the rest of her boyfriends. The chemistry wasn’t there, and she couldn’t toy with his emotions.
She even asked her mother for a good excuse.
“You can’t cancel!” Connie yelled into the phone. “That isn’t nice. It’s bad manners, Catherine. You can’t do that to him, unless you are bent over sick in the bathroom.”
Sick. That was it. She’d be sick on Thursday. “I’m just going to tell him I’m sick. These things happen.”
“Ethan is a nice boy who wants to take you out. You will hurt his feelings if you cancel.”
Even her mother was campaigning for him. And he wasn’t even Catholic! They all loved him.
Thursday morning, she made the call. She wanted to catch him before he left for work. He answered after the second ring.
“Hey, what’s up, Cate? Are we still on for tonight?”
“Well, actually, that’s why I was calling. I’m sick. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been throwing up all morning.”
“Oh no.” He was disappointed. “Do you think you have food poisoning?”
“Maybe. It could be bad sushi or something. I had sushi last night.” That wasn’t a lie. She did eat sushi.
“Geez. I hope you’re okay.”
“I’m sure I’ll be fine by the weekend.”
“All right. Well, give me a call. We’ll have to get together this weekend.”
She felt sick with guilt after she hung up.
The following night, Cate went over to Sarah and Miles’s house for dinner. She didn’t return until three A.M. because they had made caramel apples, then watched their wedding video. She even caught glimpses of Ethan in the background wearing his catering uniform. Each time she saw him, she was tormented with stabs of guilt and a surprise punch of confusion.
She felt fleeting flickers of warmth in her stomach, like on the night they kissed, or how she felt each time Paul called in the beginning of their relationship. But the heated feeling in her tummy was always followed with an unexplainable, strange feeling that made her want to run and hide from him. The thought of kissing him or letting him touch her seemed exciting yet embarrassing and peculiar.
When she returned home, she had one new message. The Sprint lady indicated that it had been sent at two-thirty-three A.M. Who would call at that hour?
Ethan’s voice came crackling to life. Blasting music and the sound of lively blended voices filled the background. “Hey, Cate! It’s Ethan.” His voice sounded chipper, his words a tad slurred. “I was just calling to say hi. I just wanted to see how you were doing and if there was anything you needed. I hope you are feeling better, Cate. I really want to see you soon. Okay? I miss ya.”
They played phone tag all weekend. This was mostly because of Cate, who deliberately called when she figured he wouldn’t be home. They were on round three of phone tag when she called on her lunch break on Monday. She knew he wouldn’t be home in the middle of the day. She was all set to leave a message when he answered.
“Ethan! Hi.” She felt ambushed. “How are you?”
“I’m good. How are you? Are you feeling better?”
“Yes. I am.”
“Good. What are you up to tonight?”
“Uh . . . I don’t know. Nothing.”
“Well, do you want to grab a drink or something?”
No. She didn’t, but again was at a loss of excuses. “All right.”
They made plans for him to pick her up at eight.
After she hung up, she realized that this was probably for the best. She couldn’t go on avoiding him for the rest of her life. Besides, it was cruel to string him along. She was confusing him even more. Ethan was a v
ery mature, understanding person. He deserved the honest truth. She wanted to explain that while she loved and adored him as a friend, she didn’t see a romantic future for them. Just thinking about it made her ache with nervousness.
Again, she wanted to blink her eyes three times and escape to another galaxy.
He wore a hooded sweatshirt with stripes up the sleeves and baggy jeans when he arrived. His hair was still wet from the shower he had apparently taken before he came to pick her up. She inhaled a whiff of a clean-smelling bar soap. Irish Spring perhaps. He gave her a hug.
“It’s good to see you finally.”
“You, too.” She meant it. It was good to see him.
“I was beginning to feel like you were avoiding me.”
She released a nervous laugh.
“Cate, you’re not weird about the other night, are you?”
She sat down on the couch. “Actually, I’m glad you brought this up.”
He took a seat next to her.
She took a deep breath before she spoke, and she could feel her hands shaking. “Ethan. It’s not that I’m weird about it. I’m just . . . look, I love our friendship. I’m so glad that we started hanging out again and I just . . . I don’t know if I want to be romantically involved.” She found it hard to make eye contact with him, especially since his round eyes were focused on her. “I just don’t want to ruin what we have.”
She babbled, filling the awkward silence with insignificant words. “I don’t know . . . I wish it could work. It’s just that—”
“It’s okay, Cate.”
“It is?”
He nodded. “I understand.”
“You do?”
He feigned a weak smile, but his eyes were more telling. He looked hurt. “Yeah. It’s just not there for you, and that’s okay. You can’t force something that isn’t there.”
“Please promise me that we can still go to China Inn and World Famous for happy hour.” God, she sounded like Paul.
“Yeah, of course. Always.” He was taking it well. “Maybe it’s best if tonight we just . . . do our own thing.”
“Yeah. Maybe that’s a good idea.”
Grease jumped between them on the coffee table, and Ethan rubbed his ears. The cat nudged his nose against Ethan’s palms the same way he did when he was rubbing against furniture.
“Well, I should probably go then.” He stood up. His eyes had a far-away gaze in them and his lips were a thin, straight line.
She walked him to the door. She opened her arms. “Let’s do lunch this week,” she said as she hugged him.
“Yeah. I’ll give you a call.”
She watched him walk down the hall. His shoulders looked relaxed, but his every move seemed determined to get out of the building quickly. For a second she wondered if she had just made the biggest mistake of her life.
29 • New Faces and Names
The lunch date didn’t happen. He failed to call, and she was struck with a vicious case of the flu that kept her out of school, and in bed, for a week. Jill was tentative about spending too much time at the apartment because she couldn’t afford to have any sick days at beauty school. But she occasionally dropped off magazines and videos to keep Cate entertained.
By the middle of the week depression had snuck up on Cate, and she felt not only physically ill but emotionally drained as well. A continuous dull ache inhabited her heart, and she cried over episodes of It’s a Miracle and reruns of Terms of Endearment.
It was worse than when Paul had dumped her. This time she wasn’t sure why she was sad. Everything seemed empty. She was alone. She had Jill and her mother, who called every day. She had Grease. But she didn’t have a partner, someone to share everything with. It seemed like everyone—with the exception of Jill—was getting married. They all had someone to pick out movies with at Blockbuster, someone to keep them company at the laundromat, someone to make boring errands seem like a blast when they ran them together.
She hadn’t realized how much she would miss Ethan. She missed hearing his voice say hello when he answered the phone. She missed listening to his stories about all the crazy parties he catered. She missed watching him pet Grease, and picking out appetizers they were going to order whenever they ate at restaurants.
She realized what an important part of her life he had become. She’d always looked forward to spending time with him. The thought of him had always put a smile on her face. Now it all seemed to be over. She should’ve abided by a three-drink limit rule. She wanted to call him but couldn’t. It wasn’t fair. She’d just be confusing him.
She received one business phone call from an aspiring fashion designer who wanted Cate to shoot a fashion show she was having in November.
“So you must’ve seen the ad?” Cate said after they set the date.
“Ad? Oh no. I’m a friend of Ethan’s. He referred me to you. He’s so helpful.”
After she hung up, her heart sank. After all that she’d done to him, he still wanted to help her. For a moment she felt happy. She could call him. And thank him for the referral. She dialed his number, eager to hear his voice, but was only greeted with the familiar sound of his answering machine.
On Thursday night, Jill came over, dressed to the nines, and looking for a partner in crime.
“Are you feeling better?” she asked. “Nick was asking about you. I’m meeting up with him and some other friends tonight. Do you want to come?”
Cate shook her head before she released a sneeze that made her brain shake. She felt a headache coming on.
“Bless you,” Jill said as she offered her a Kleenex. “Well, rest up, because I want you to go out with me tomorrow night.”
“We’ll see.”
She made Cate a cup of chamomile tea before leaving.
After the door closed behind Jill, the apartment seemed deathly quiet. Was this how it was going to be the rest of her life? Nights spent alone in front of the television.
The phone rang, and for a moment she hoped it was Ethan. It was her mother. “Have you been taking the vitamin C I gave you?” she asked.
“Yes,” Cate lied.
“Why don’t you come over for dinner tomorrow night? I’ll make soup and cornbread.”
“All right.”
She said good-bye, then took two aspirin and a cough drop and tried to ignore the stinging sensation around her nostrils from blowing her nose so often.
Then she checked her E-mails. Her in box was full of lame advertisements that she deleted without opening. She thought it was odd that she had not heard a single peep from Leslie since the wedding. She was kind of curious to know what Bora Bora was like, so she sent her an E-mail.
Hey Les. I haven’t heard from you in a while and was wondering how married life was treating you. I’m dying to hear all about the fabulous honeymoon in Bora Bora!
Love,
Cate
The following day, Cate felt somewhat better. Instead of blowing her nose twenty times an hour, it was down to twice an hour. The mountain of used Kleenex next her bed had ceased to grow, and she had an appetite for more than chicken broth. At around three, Jill showed up.
“How are you today?” she asked.
Cate could smell her strong scent of perfume. That must mean she was getting better. “I’m feeling okay. How was your night last night?”
“It was all right. Oh! I saw Ethan.”
“You did?” Curious, she sat up. “Where did you see him? At the Fox?”
“No. It was actually at the end of the night at Ramone’s. He was with some girl.”
“Who?”
“I don’t know.”
“Did it seem like they were dating?”
“I couldn’t tell. I think he paid for her food.”
“He paid for her food? Was she pretty?”
Jill thought before she answered. “Yeah. She was pretty. She was really petite, long blonde hair, blue eyes.”
Cate pictured Sarah Michelle Gellar. “Who was she?”
&nbs
p; “I forget her name. He introduced us, but I can’t remember.” Jill smirked. “You’re jealous.”
She was but didn’t want to admit it. “No, I’m not. So what are you doing tonight?”
“Well, that’s why I stopped by. I’m going out with Ted and Nick again and I thought I’d see how you were doing. It doesn’t look like you’re going out though.”
“No. I’m going to go over to my parents’ for dinner.”
After Jill left, Cate checked her E-mail. One new message:
FROM: Leslie Lyons
The Subject box was empty.
Hi Cate.
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I’ve just been getting settled and getting used to married life. Bora Bora was nice. I’ve been meaning to cal you. I had a minor breakdown the first two days of the honeymoon.
What? Breakdown? Cate read on.
When the ticket lady at American airlines called us Mr. And Mrs. Rose I broke down crying. I guess I wasn’t prepared to lose my identity. I’m fine now and the rest of our honeymoon was good. Well, how is everything going? I’d love to catch up. I’ll call you next week.
Love,
Leslie
That was the most bizarre thing Cate had ever read. “Lose my identity”? She had wanted the party, the dress, the horse, not the name change. Maybe she should’ve hyphenated her name. Cate couldn’t help but wonder if all of Leslie’s fantasies about getting married had been geared toward the wedding, not the marriage. Or had it been winning that Leslie wanted? Was getting the ring a prize rather than a lifelong commitment of love to another person? Now that Leslie had one, marriage didn’t seem all that fun.
She wondered what Russ was doing during the two days that Leslie had a breakdown in Bora Bora.
When she arrived, the house smelled like a home-cooked meal.
“Hi!” her mother called.
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