We're All Mad Here (Tim Miller's Twisted Tales Book 1)

by Tim Miller

  She turned and ran into a tall man wearing chain mail and holding a sword.

  “Fear not dear maiden!” The man said. “I am the Great Guadalupe!” The man had a long handlebar mustache and a pointy hat. He lifted his sword and charged at the dogs screaming. “Get thee back oh hounds of hell! Lest I slice you to pulp and send you back from whenst you came!” He waved the sword at the beasts as he admonished them. Alice stood and watched in bizarre fascination at whoever this guy was.

  Without even slowing down, the creatures pounced on him as one bit into his head and chest while another into his legs. They pulled until he was ripped in two. His insides spilled out onto the ground as the hounds swallowed each half in one or two gulps. They all looked back up at Alice who turned and began running again. This time she went full speed toward the woods just ahead. The giant dogs were getting closer and closer as she ran.

  The trees and brush looked incredibly thick. She might lose them in there if she could make it. If she so much as tripped she’d be done. One of the hounds nipped at the back of her foot, just barely missing as they gained on her. She reached the tree line and dove through the trees and into the thick bushes. She let out a scream as she landed in a large thorny bush. Thorns dug into her face and hands as she tumbled through.

  The dogs went from growling to howling. She worked her way out of the thorns and looked behind her. The pack was standing at the edge of the tree line, pacing and looking for a way in. She was right. It was way too thick for them to come after her. She walked further into the forest, though it got darker and the foliage got thicker as she went. At one point she walked right by a good sized mound of dirt. The idea of lying on that and falling asleep seemed wonderful to her. After everything so far, she just wanted a nap.

  Chapter 4

  Alice ran through the woods as best she could. There was no trail, just thick trees and brush. Each step she took something would poke her or scrape against her face or body. She’d stumbled on for a while when she finally stopped hearing the psycho hell hounds. Alice stopped to catch her breath when she heard a familiar voice.

  “You probably don’t want to stop too long in these woods,” it said. She turned to see the large, crazy cat staring at her with its permanent and twisted smile.

  “Holy shit! How’d you get here?”

  “Oh, I get around. At least you avoided the dogs. Poor Guadalupe. I knew he’d go too far one day.”

  “So what else do I have to worry about?”

  “You’ll see. Oh, I think that’s them now.”

  There was a strange humming sound from above. She looked up and there was a swarm of bees swooping out of the trees and right toward her. These bees were huge, like the size of baseballs. They also had human faces on their bee bodies. The buzzing sounds they were making didn’t even sound like actual buzzing. It sounded like a bunch of guys going “Mmmmm!” as loud as they could.

  She turned and ran yet again, stumbling over logs and bushes trying to make her way to safety wherever that may be. There was no sign of the forest ending anytime soon. Alice wove through trees and finally stumbled, landing on her face. The buzzing got louder until they were right over her. She curled up into a ball bracing herself for the thousands of stings that were sure to be coming.

  Instead she felt herself being lifted off the ground. Opening her eyes, she was already well into the air, just hovering above the trees. Each of the bees had grasped on to her clothing and were lifting her into the air.

  “What’s going on?” She asked as she cleared the trees. Soon the trees were tiny beneath her. Looking ahead she could see the rocks and the hill, and there was a huge castle just over the crest of the hill. “Where are you taking me?” She wasn’t sure if she should expect an answer as they were bees after all.

  “The Queen of Hearts wishes to see you. So that is where you go.” One of the bees said.

  “I don’t even know her. What does she want with me?”

  “You’ll find out soon enough. Now shut up. You’re heavy enough as it is, we need to focus.”

  Rude little shits, that was for sure. They flew almost to the hill before landing in an opening in the rock field.

  “Why are we here?” She asked.

  “We need a rest. So we’re stopping here for a few.” One of the bees said.

  “What are you?”

  “We’re bees stupid!” He said as he buzzed around her head. She couldn’t help but notice the bee talked like Gilbert Gottfried for some reason.

  “I can see that, but you have human faces.”

  “So do you! Aren’t you observant?”

  “Hey! The bees are here!” Someone yelled. Alice looked and two large, greasy men maybe? Something, were standing next to a large rock. They were both fat, with slimy, pasty skin covered in warts and blackheads. Both were bald and wearing nothing but overalls. They were both smiling and both were missing several teeth.

  “Oh great! These two!” The bee said.

  “Hey Beezus. Been a long time,” one of the fat ones said.

  “Yeah yeah. I avoid this place like the plague if I can.”

  “You lead a swarm of bees. Isn’t that kind of a plague?”

  “Oh, now you’re a comedian. You two ever bathe? Like at all? Water, on your skin, or scales or whatever?”

  “Who is this?” They asked ignoring his jab.

  “This is Alice. She’s not from here. Alice, this is Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass.”

  “You’re name is actually dumbass?” Alice asked.

  “TWEEDLE Dumbass.” He corrected.

  “Wow.”

  “See what I mean?” Beezus said. “I can’t believe I didn’t smell you two coming.”

  “Why are you so mean to them?” Alice asked.

  “Look at them. They’re fat and gross and they stink!”

  “Will you stop calling people fat? What the hell is wrong with you? That’s the first thing you told me.”

  “Hey! I gotta lift your asses and haul you around.”

  “You’re awful chubby for a fucking bee. Jesus, you’re big and round like a baseball.”

  “It’s Beezus, not Jesus, and what’s a baseball?”

  Alice threw her hands in the air.

  “Hey Alice, you wanna come play cards with us?” Tweedle Dee asked.

  “Cards?”

  “Yeah, we got a cool card game.”

  “No!” Beezus said. “No one is playing cards! Let’s go. The Queen wants to see her.”

  The twins took a step back.

  “The Queen? See her for what?”

  “I don’t know. She says go bring them, I bring them,” Beezus said.

  “She usually beheads people she summons,” Tweedle Dumbass said.

  “Will you shut up? No! No one is being beheaded.” Beezus buzzed around Alice’s head trying to calm her down. “Don’t listen to him. No one is being beheaded.”

  “Why would she behead me? I’ve never seen the woman.”

  “Trust me, she’s not going to behead you!” He said as he turned to glare at the Tweedles. “Couple a drama queens these two are. Ok, enough rest for now. Let’s get going guys.” Beezus ordered as the bees swarmed around, grabbing Alice and lifting her off her feet. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass waved as she drifted off the ground. She waved back and soon they were tiny dots beneath her.

  They flew over the hill until the castle appeared. As they got closer, it didn’t look nearly as majestic as it had from a distance. It was old, broken down and even had large holes in places. There was a road beneath them leading up to the large door. Along the road there were severed heads on spikes. There were more heads lining the top of the walls of the castle. All together there were at least a hundred heads.

  “Those are people’s heads!” She yelled.

  “Good observation!” Beezus said.

  “You said no one was being beheaded!”

  “Not that I’m aware of any way!”

  They flew over the outer wall in
to the courtyard.

  “Ok! Here we are!” Beezus yelled as they flew down, setting Alice down in the center. As she looked around the courtyard, there were numerous people, like actual humans chained to the walls of the courtyard. Most were so emaciated they looked like living skeletons. Many were crying out to her.

  “Help me! Please! Help!” They screamed. Panic set in as she took it in. There were more people lining the upper walls, but creatures as well. Some like she’d already seen, others unlike anything she’s seen so far. As she looked around a door slid open on the far side of the court yard as a group of dwarves dressed in tuxedos came out carrying large horns. They sounded the horns in unison as another came out between them.

  “All subjects of Wonderland! Behold, your Queen of Hearts!”

  Chapter 5

  The queen walked out to the center of the courtyard flanked by two taller guards carrying spears. The queen was taller than all of them and wearing this hideous red dress. Though as she got closer, Alice realized why it was so ugly. It was made up entirely of human hearts. There were flies buzzing around her dress as she approached Alice, glancing her up and down.

  “This is the outsider?” She asked as a group of men came straggling up behind her. These men were of normal height and all wearing bright, white suits.

  “Yes, your grace. She came in through the human world.”

  “Why? Who let her in?”

  The man instantly became visibly uncomfortable. He began to sweat as he stepped away.

  “I...um. I don’t know your grace. She just appeared.”

  “Just appeared? Just appeared? No one around here just appears. Off with his head!”

  Seconds later one of the guards took out his sword and lopped the man’s head off. The other advisors stepped back as his body collapsed to the ground, blood squirting from the fresh stump. Alice jumped back in horror as blood splattered her face and clothes. The guard knelt down and cut into the dead man’s chest. Alice could hear the ribs breaking as the guard snapped them and cut some more before removing the heart, and carefully placing it onto the queen’s dress. The queen nodded to him and looked back at Alice.

  “So, I guess it doesn’t matter from whence you came! You might make a good bride for my little prince. Remove her clothing! Let me see her!”

  Alice stepped away.

  “Are you insane? You’re not taking my clothes!” She screamed, though already horrified watching the man beheaded just inches from her. Several of her guards grabbed her by the arms and held her back. Another came up with a knife and began cutting at her sweatshirt, ripping it off her. He cut off her pants and undergarments until she was completely nude. They let go of her as she held her hands up over her breasts, and hunched over as much as she could. Her body wasn’t something she’d ever been very comfortable with.

  “Stand up straight!” the queen ordered. Alice did as she was told, but it wasn’t enough. “Lower your hands!”

  One of the guards smacked her on the ass with the flat side of his sword causing Alice to jump.

  “Hey!”

  The queen circled her, looking her up and down.

  “You are flabby. Why is this? Your flesh hangs off you as if you have too much of it. This repulses me.”

  “I didn’t ask you, but thanks for the vote of confidence.”

  “Silence!” The queen removed one of the smelly hearts from her dress and took a bit out of it. “You see this? This is how I stay young and beautiful.”

  Alice was wondering if she wasn’t on some extended acid trip. Maybe her sister had slipped something into her soda earlier. The queen had a face like Al Pacino and her hair was pulled back so tightly, Alice thought at first she was Asian.

  “You have potential though. Nice bosoms, plentiful birthing hips. You can birth my son plenty of heirs. I expect at least six grandchildren!”

  This lady was out of her fucking mind.

  “Look, can I put my clothes on now? I’m not having six kids, especially from your fucked up gene pool lady.” Alice said as she moved toward her clothes but a guard kicked them away.

  “Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Bring me my son! We shall have the royal wedding at once!”

  Alice stood around while the lunatic queen ran around barking orders at attendants who hurriedly set up tables and flowers and such. After a few minutes another horn sounded as they all snapped to attention. One of the little people called out.

  “Ladies and gentleman! I bring you, his Majesty, Prince Benji the Ruthless!”

  Benji the Ruthless?

  An attendant walked out with a short man next to him, well he looked short because he was hunched over. He was wearing a stocking cap, carrying a stuffed teddy bear but he looked like he was forty years old.

  “Is this her mama? Is this my new queen?”

  “This is your bride, yes.”

  “Oh! I like her, I like her!” He squeaked, jumping up and down. Alice just wanted to get dressed and get out of there. Hell, she’d be happy with just getting out of there, screw getting dressed. “Can I touch her boobs?”

  “Excellent! The prince approves! You may now consummate your marriage to your new bride!

  Consummate?

  “What? There was no wedding?”

  “Yes there was. I have declared it so, therefore it is so. Lie down on the ground and open yourself, to take in my son’s manhood. Do this at once!”

  “No! Fuck you guys!” Again Alice tried to walk away, but another guard grabbed her as two more forced her to the ground. She kicked and flailed and the reality suddenly began to set it. As bizarre as this all was, she was about to be raped by this freak, and there wasn’t a thing she could do to stop it. These guards were all incredibly strong.

  They held her to the ground, on her back and pulled her legs apart. Her wrists and ankles stung with pain as the men’s grips tightened. Prince Benji dropped his pants while giggling and panting like a dog in heat. His boner was long, but skinny. He dropped between her legs and thrust his dick against her, as he started moaning.

  “Oh yeah! That feels good!” He moaned. “Oh! Wow, oh shit yeah!”

  Thing was, he wasn’t inside her, He was humping her thigh, but she wasn’t about to tell him so. She just lie there and hoped he’d be done soon.

  “You fool!” The queen called out. “Don’t ejaculate yet! You’ve missed her vagina!” She walked over and bent down, grabbing her son’s erection. “Here, let me put it in for you.”

  As bad as all of this had seemed so far, it was turning out to be much much worse. Alice closed her eyes and tried not to cry as his sticky, bony penis began thrusting inside her, slamming into the inner walls of her vagina. Hopefully it would all be over soon.

  Chapter 6

  Alice tried to shut out the pain and the noise as Benji thrust in and out of her. The captive crowd was even cheering and celebrating despite their own captivity. Apparently her suffering was more enjoyable to watch. Benji kept making these weird giggling and grunting noises as he drooled the entire time. One trail of drool dripped down onto her cheek, running down her face.

  “Have all of you gone mad?” A man’s voice said. She looked up and it was The Splatter, whom earlier had tried to eat her. He had on his huge top hat, and stared at each of them with his hollow eyes.

  “How dare you interrupt! This is a royal wedding being consummated before all our subjects!” The queen shouted.

  “I suppose so, but I’m the one who found her. So technically she’s mine.” The Splatter said.

  “What? Is this true?” She asked another advisor. He looked around confused.

  “I, um. He is correct your grace. Any outsiders who come to Wonderland are property of the finder.”

  “What fucking idiot wrote such a law?” The queen screamed.

  “You did your grace.”

  “Insolence! Off with his head!” She shouted as another guard lopped the advisor’s head off instantly. The man dug his heart out for the queen’s d
ress as she walked over to Alice who was still being held on the ground.

  “Mommy. Take off this ugly skull man’s head! He interrupted my lovely wedding!” Benji cried out.

  “Yes, he did. Offing his head does no good. It just keeps growing back.”

  “That it does my queen.”

  “It is too late though. My son’s wedding has already been consummated.”

  “Not yet mama. I need to spit my load inside her!” Benji protested.

  “Very well. You may continue planting your seed.”

  Alice lie there taking in this insanity. Whatever these people were, they were all completely insane, there was no doubt about that. Though in the commotion, she noticed one of the guards had become more focused on watching the action than in holding her. His grip had begun to loosen. She looked up and he was knelt down next to her left ear, the sheath of his short sword in arms reach. As Benji climbed back on top of her, she allowed her body to become totally limp.

  The guard’s grip relaxed even more. She began moaning and pretending she liked it. This would require some acting as she was repulsed by this whole situation. So her moans got louder as she began to grind her hips. Benji giggled louder as the guards began to snicker and giggle. She writhed even more, pretending to be more and more into it as the guard’s grip finally let up completely. She grabbed his short sword, pulled it from the sheath and thrust it into his throat.

  Blood shot out of his throat as he tried to plug the leak with his hands. Alice withdrew it and slashed at the other guard’s head, taking it off on in one swipe. Benji’s dick went limp inside her as his eyes went wide. She grunted as she jammed the sword into his throat and pulled it out. He collapsed to the ground as she jumped to her feet and took off running.

  “Wow! Feisty one that one is!” The Splatter yelled from behind her.