“Oh my God, J. You feel so good, baby.”
My sentiments exactly. I gripped her waist but didn’t do anything other than touch her. Since she wanted to make demands, she could run this thang. I smacked her ass.
“Ride this dick, Lee.”
Without hesitation, she started a slow, rise and fall movement, rocking her hips forward with every down stroke, similar to riding a mechanical bull.
“Is this my dick, J?”
“Shiiiit.” Her pussy felt so damn wet, and when she twisted her hips in a circle as she came down, my synapses fried.
“I said, is this my dick, J?” She pressed her hands to my chest and leaned forward, bouncing her ass on my dick.
“Uh, uh, uh.” I couldn’t think straight. What was she asking me?
“Answer my question, J. Is. This. My. Dick?” That damn twisting motion again.
“Yes, Lee, shit! You know that, baby. Please, don’t stop what you’re doing. Gotdamn!”
A satisfied smirk curved her lips and she bent forward, pressing a soft kiss at the base of my throat. “Yes, Daddy.” Then, she swiveled around on my dick, making me damn near bite a damn hole in my lip as she started squeezing her pussy as she bounced that beautiful ass on me.
“Lisa! Shit! Fuck!”
What in the hell had gotten into this woman? Usually, Lisa was a more passive participant when we made love, allowing me to set the pace and following my lead. This shit right here was far from passive. She was working the fuck out of my dick and I loved every second of it. I felt the tightening in my loins that indicated my orgasm was close but I was helpless to stop it. I jerked beneath her, clenching my glutes as she pulled my seed out of me.
“Ah, babe!”
My climax must have triggered her own and Lisa ground down on me, her arms shaking as her pussy held my dick in a vice grip and drained every drop out of me. She froze like that—head down, back to me, leaning forward on her hands—through the multitude of aftershocks. When my breathing evened out and I could think clearly, I realized that there something off about her trembling. I sat up slowly, eyes on her back.
“Lisa?”
Instead of responding, she shook her quickly, setting off alarms in my head. I grabbed her around the waist and lifted her off of my softening erection. Her hands immediately covered her face as I turned her in my direction. I could tell by the shaking of her shoulders, even though her face was covered. Gently, I pried her hands down then chuckled lightly when she tried to turn her head in the opposite direction.
“Lee, did I hurt you?”
She shook her head. Okay.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
She tried to lift her hands but I held them firmly.
“I just want to wipe my face.”
“I got you.” I maneuvered both of her wrists into one hand and used the other to wipe as moisture from her face as possible. “Now, tell me why you’re crying.”
She took a deep, stuttered breath and released it. “I’m cr—I’m just—” She stopped and her eyes fluttered closed for a second. When she reopened them and turned them my way, my breath stopped in my throat. I was unprepared for the mix of pain and regret that I saw there.
“I’m so happy to be home, J. I missed you so much. I—” Her voice cracked and a fresh set of tears fell from her eyes, but I was right there to catch them with my thumb. “I tried so hard to be positive these last few months. I kept telling myself that no matter what happened, as long as you were okay, then it was all worth it. But, God, it’s been so hard, J. Hurting you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and at times I wanted to kill myself for what I was doing to you.”
The honesty in her eyes, in her voice, had me speechless.
“I wasn’t sure if we’d make it back to this. If I’d ever to get to be with you like this again. To have this closeness. I just—I see how precious what we have is, and I’m never taking it for granted again.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. What Lisa felt was completely different from what I was feeling. I didn’t think that we had gotten back to anything. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go back to what we had. Hell, I was still trying to come to terms with the fact that everything I thought over the past few months had been a fabrication. I released Lisa’s hands and watched as she scooted to the edge of the bed and made her way into the bathroom. I laid back against the pillows and linked my hands behind my head.
Was I willing to try my hand at a do-over with Lisa? Could it even be done? I loved her, that was without question, but just as I’d told Ja’mya, love wasn’t enough. Our break up showed me that we’d been living a disproportionate life, with me giving in 100% of the time, and Lisa doing 100% of the taking. At one point, I’d been sure that I loved her a hell of a lot more than she did me. The knowledge of what led to our break-up proved that theory to be wrong. So, knowing what I know, now what? What would something new—something different—even look like?
Chapter Fourteen
Lisa
I was home, but things weren’t back to normal. Jeremiah was polite, and Ja’mya was obviously happy to have me home, especially after she found out about the baby, but it didn’t feel like it used to. And I didn’t understand why.
I mean…
I understood why, but then, I didn’t.
No matter how many times I asked Jeremiah if everything was okay, he gave me the same response.
“I’m alive, so it’s all good.”
But it wasn’t all good, not by a long shot. So, even though things between the two of us were different, I did what I’d always done when I needed help understanding Jeremiah Saul Hawkins, but couldn’t get it out of him.
I called his mama.
To my surprise, Sabrina sounded like she’d been expecting my call. She agreed to meet me at the small, hole-in-the-wall burger joint not far from Hawkins Realty that I chose specifically because of their fantastic malts. I arrived after her, and nearly dissolved in her warm embrace when she pulled me in for a long and tight hug. Sabrina wasn’t treating me like things were different and for that I was grateful. Confused, but grateful.
As instructed by a disembodied voice behind the tall counter in the back of the narrow space, we chose our own seats and waited for a server to see us. I ordered an extra-large peanut butter and chocolate malt with a side of chili cheese fries, and Sabrina ordered a fish burger combo with onion rings and a coke. Once the server left to hand over our food order to the chef and owner in the back and grab our drinks, I blurted the first thing that was on my mind.
“I’m surprised you don’t hate me.”
Sabrina shook her head. “I could never hate you. It’s because of you that my first born still breaths today.”
“Well, you were highly upset with me.”
She gave me an indulgent smile. “Yes, I was.”
“Enough to threaten me.”
Her laugh was hearty and amused as she threw her head back, causing her curly ponytail to swing slightly. “Oh no, baby. That was a promise.”
I pursed my lips. Well, alrighty then. “Okay…” That was encouraging.
She waved a hand in my direction as she took a sip of the coke the server placed in front of her. “Don’t be like that, honey. It’s all water under the bridge now, right?”
Hmph. I nodded. If she could forgive me then I could surely forgive her, so yes, her promise to “break me in two” was water under the bridge. Too bad it wasn’t that simple in my own household. Which brought me to the reason I’d invited her here.
“I need your help setting things right with J.”
She quirked a brow. “Setting what things right? Aren’t you back home?”
“Well, yes…”
“The two of you are under the same roof, and sleeping in the same bed at that, huh?”
“Yes, Sabrina, but—”
“He’s not treating you bad, is he?”
“No, of course not—”
“Well
, honey, you’re going to have to tell me something good, because I don’t see what the problem is.”
I ran my tongue over my teeth. Her point was obvious but I wouldn’t be swayed. Those points aside, I know I wasn’t crazy; things were different.
“He’s just…distant. Physically, he’s present, but there is a wall up between us that wasn’t there before and I don’t know how to get over it.
“Distant, huh? What, do you think he’s seeing someone else? Maybe your friend, Candice?” She gave me a sly look over the rim of her cup.
My mouth dropped into an ‘o’. The thought had crossed my mind, but I didn’t want to entertain it. I was still angry about their shared kiss and even though weeks had passed, I still found it hard to look at Candice the same way. I would drive myself crazy if I seriously considered the possibility that they had anything beyond a kiss. To hear Sabrina bring it up was a shock.
“How do you know about that?”
“My cocoa baby came to me with it. I suggested that she mention it to you.”
I stared at her. Sabrina Hawkins never ceased to amaze me.
“It had crossed my mind, but I don’t think so. He’s not a cheater and he definitely wouldn’t double dip…”
The waitress set our food on the table and Sabrina began to slice her burger in half.
“It’s not cheating if he’s single, right?”
As nonchalantly as she’d delivered those words, she might as well have just punched me in the gut. No matter how much I hadn’t meant them, those words still haunted me, as did the look on Jeremiah’s face when I hurled them at him. Is that was this was? Was Jeremiah punishing me? Was this a form of passive revenge?
I gritted my teeth. “You know that I didn’t mean that, Sabrina! I’ve never cheated on J.”
With widened eyes and feigning innocence that I didn’t believe for a second, Sabrina dipped her chin once. “I never said you did, honey.”
“Then how long am I going to pay for it?!” The mounting tears clogged my throat, causing my voice to sound a note lower as I tried not to cry. Sabrina’s teasing expression fell, and she reached across the table to grab my hand.
“Oh, honey, don’t cry! It’s okay.”
“If it’s okay, then why won’t he forgive me?!”
She squeezed my fingers. “He does forgive you.”
“No, he doesn’t. He won’t talk to me, not unless I talk to him first, or Ja’mya pulls him into our conversation. It’s like he avoids being alone with me, and he wo—he won’t even initiate sex anymore!” I was full-on crying and unashamed about that, or that I’d put our sexlife on the table for his mother to see. My pride or sense of privacy was overshadowed by my desperation to sturdy the crumbling walls of my relationship.
As ridiculous as I probably sounded, the sex was currently the hardest point of contention for me. The pregnancy hormones had shot my sex drive through the roof and I thought it would be fine because Jeremiah used to want it almost daily. To my surprise, and dismay, since I’d been home, he wouldn’t sleep with me—or beside me—unless I physically pulled him into bed with me.
Through my blurred vision, I saw Sabrina roll her eyes and shake her head.
“Lisa, I’m trying very hard to be gentle with you because you are carrying my grandson, but you’re making it hard.”
I declined to point out that neither she nor I knew the sex of the child in my belly. “You had no problem threatening me with bodily harm,” I quipped smartly, causing her to grin.
“You’re absolutely right. Let me put my kiddie gloves back in my purse.” She folded her arms on the table and leaned forward, pinning me with a hard stare. “Stop being selfish.”
I frowned and she nodded.
“You heard me right. You’re sitting your little ass here blubbering because he won’t talk to you or screw you as if you didn’t break my baby’s heart! You’re selfish. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean it, every word—every action—hurt him. For at least two months, he walked around thinking that he wasn’t good enough, that he’d failed to be everything you needed or wanted, and that for all of these years, his love had been for nothing. You told him that you’d gotten engaged! And after you rejected his proposal more than once, no doubt! Because of the history y’all have, you knew what to say to hurt him the most, to achieve the desired effect. But now that you’re back, you want to act like you didn’t inflict deep, gaping wounds!? No, ma’am. You won’t be doing that with my son. If he wants to keep you at arm’s length to protect himself, then you’d better shut up and take it or carry your self right back across the way to LaTrisha’s house.”
I grabbed several napkins from the dispenser at the end of the table and blew my nose. I had no words to defend myself because Sabrina hadn’t said anything worth disputing. I thought I had been doing well with giving him space to get used to me again, but I guess my impatience had gotten the best of me. I was ready for things to go back to normal. I wanted my J back, and I would do whatever I could to make it happen.
“Okay, so how do I make him forgive me?”
“If I have to tell you that, I might as well call up Candice and tell her as well.”
My eyes narrowed to slits. “Once again, you’re bringing her up. Is there something else you want to say to me, Sabrina?”
She bit into an onion ring and chewed slowly her eyes on me the whole time. I was reminded of Jeremiah’s younger brother, Hawk, who was known for his intense and focused stare. It was unnerving, but I forced myself to hold eye contact with her. When she swallowed her food, she grabbed a napkin and wiped her mouth.
“I’ve said all I have to say.”
I blew out an exasperated breath. “Then why do you keep bringing her up?”
“I just want to make sure that you understand that there is someone else out there who wants him. Someone who will treat him right and give him the love he deserves. See, I could tell you all about the women who constantly send me their daughter’s information in hope that I’ll pass it on to my son, but it won’t mean much because those girls are all faceless. You don’t know them, so they don’t matter. That’s not true for Candice. You know her; you know how beautiful she is, how sweet of a person she is, and how domestic she can be. You also know that at one point she’s had the opportunity to get…let’s just say, too close for comfort. She’s tangible.”
“Okay, but why do I even need to think about that?? Why does it matter?? Jeremiah isn’t about to leave me for her! He doesn’t even like her! He won’t mess up what we have for something new and unknown. Especially not with my freaking friend!”
“Hmm,” She tapped her chin. “What exactly do you have, Lisa?”
I opened my mouth but stopped short. I know what we had, but I couldn’t claim that because things were different. In truth, I didn’t really know what we had. I scrambled to say something so that I wouldn’t be sitting there looking stupid.
“We…have a history.”
Sabrina shrugged and took another bite of her onion ring. “That’s also called ‘a past’.”
“We have a child.”
“He doesn’t have to be with you to be a father to Ja’mya.”
I could feel a wave of tears prick the back of my eyes. “We have a baby on the way.”
“I still haven’t heard anything that will keep a man from seeking greener pastures.”
I couldn’t believe her. Was this really the same woman who had called me ‘daughter-in-love’ on a regular basis? Why was she talking like it was a sure thing that Jeremiah was going to leave me? Is that what she was hoping for?
“So, you want me to just hand him over to Candice? To just give up?”
“I just want what’s best for my son.”
“I’m what’s best for him!”
Unaffected by my outburst, Sabrina cocked her head to the side. “And why is that, Lisa?”
“Because I loved him enough to let him go, even though I knew it was a possibility that it could damage us irrepara
bly! I risked my own heartache, my own headaches, and endured the wrath and judgment of virtually everyone I know, without complaint. I dealt with my own child—my flesh and blood—giving me attitude and even refusing to speak to me, and even with all of that, I still wake up in the morning, pleading for his well-being and good health before I even think to ask for something for myself! There is no one out there who could love that man more than I do. Not Candice, and definitely not some faceless woman whose disrespectful, church-going mother sends you her phone number.”
Unless I was tripping, that was pride, or maybe approval shining in her eyes.
“Okay, then show him that.”
Drained, I collapsed against the worn booth seat. “I have!” I whined. “I tell him how much I love him every day and—”
“Uh, uh, uh,” she tsked. “You’re not listening. I didn’t say tell him, I said show him.”
I peered at her, dazed as her words sunk in. Oh. Did she just…?
She smiled, winked, and tucked into her food, and I sat there in an impressed stupor. Sabrina Hawkins really was a piece of work.
Chapter Fifteen
Jeremiah
J—
Boy you know it’s true.
Ooh, ooh, ooh
I love you.
Lee—
I did a double take as I breezed past the bathroom sink on my way to the toilet. When it was clear my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me, that there were definitely several sticky notes on the mirror above the sink, I stopped completely and backed up. As I realized what I was looking at, an uncontrollable smile pulled at my lips. Lisa had recreated the heart-shaped love note I’d left for her on Valentine’s Day. Only, instead of the first words I’d ever spoken to her, she’d scrawled a line from a classic ‘80s jam. It had been her way of letting me know that the feelings I’d held—had been holding—were reciprocated. And even though she sang the words to me, complete with a shoulder shimmy, I’d immediately felt a sense of relief that I hadn’t made a mistake in being the first one to say those three words. The knowledge that she loved me back brought me an immeasurable amount of joy.
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