by Tessa Gray
Throwing back the blankets, she headed into the kitchen to make coffee. Maybe since Adam appeared to be pulling an all-nighter, he could use a cup.
She flipped on the light switch as she padded down the hallway, and when she got as far as the living room, she stopped.
Adam sat on the sofa, a large bottle of whiskey and a glass perched on the coffee table. He had his back to her, and she watched him pick up the glass, pour some of the whiskey into it, and slam the bottle back down on the table.
His black hair was tousled, as though he might have tried to sleep but was unable to. Suddenly he slumped over, and from what she could see from this angle was cradling his head in his hands.
“Adam?” Walking over to where he sat, she seated herself beside him. “Adam, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”
He jerked his head back and stared at her but looked away quickly. She reached out to touch him, but he ignored her.
A Christmas ornament was sitting on the coffee table, next to his whiskey glass. Leaning over to examine it, she asked, “What’s this?”
“Nothing. It’s nothing.” He pushed it away until it rested behind the bottle of liquor.
“I’m sorry I pressured you into going to church with me. You’re upset about it, aren’t you?” When he refused to speak, she reached behind the whiskey bottle and picked up the glass Christmas ornament.
Holding it up to the light, she examined it closely. A tiny, porcelain angel with a baby lamb was surrounded by a golden, crescent shaped moon. At the bottom of it bore the inscription: Baby’s First Christmas. The date on it was from eight years ago.
She fingered the top of the ornament, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle all together.
He reached over and removed the ornament from her hand. Several shocks of hair had fallen across his eyes, but he didn’t brush them away.
“What a lovely ornament, Adam. I’m surprised you didn’t hang it on the tree.”
He traced the crescent moon on the figurine with his index finger for nearly a minute.
When he finally spoke, his voice was raspy. “It belonged to Grace.”
Her heart fluttered as she played the events of the past year over in her head: how secretive Adam was about his marriage to Fiona and why they’d ended it, how reluctant he was to hold Kelsey and Nathan’s baby daughter, Gwyneth, and the strange look on Adam’s face during the church service when the baby directly in front of them had smiled.
He stared at her—a long, hard stare, nodded, and then hung his head. Raking a hand through his hair, he let out an audible sigh.
“Oh, my god, Adam. Grace was your daughter.” She waited for him to say something, but he didn’t.
He slowly rose, walked over to the window, and stared outside into the darkness.
~ ~ ~
As Adam stood at the window, he realized Meredith was still in the room, the lavender scent of her perfume lingering.
He heard the padding of her footsteps behind him, and when she wrapped her arms about his waist, he knew she’d want to talk about this.
“I’m right, Adam . . . about Grace, I mean.” When he didn’t answer, she leaned her head against his back, her tears damp. She let out a sob, and he realized he could no longer keep the secret.
“I shouldn’t have kept this from you, Mere.” Unable to trust his voice, he said no more.
Although he’d given her a perfect segue to agree with him—to press him as to why she’d never told him about Grace, she didn’t. Instead, she led him back over to the sofa and they both sat down.
Reaching for his hand, she brought it to her face. Their gazes locked, and she continued crying. “Oh, my darling. I am so sorry-so deeply, deeply sorry.” Choking back the sea of emotion welling up inside him, he didn’t trust himself to say anything. “If you don’t feel like talking about this, I totally understand.”
“I appreciate that.”
“Just know I’m here for you, Adam. If there ever comes a time when you’d like to tell me about your little girl, I’d love to hear about her.” The tone in her voice was like a soothing balm. For the first time in eight years, he was finally ready to share his pain.
He reached for the whiskey bottle. “Can I pour you a glass?”
“I’ll just share yours, Adam.”
“I’ve had enough for tonight.” After he said it, he poured her a drink.
She took several swigs and set the glass down. Repositioning herself, she curled her legs under her, leaned against his shoulder, and sighed.
Taking a deep breath, he began the descent down that enormous, black hole as he relived the journey that had nearly destroyed him.
~ ~ ~
Meredith rubbed Adam’s shoulder as he began talking—hoping sharing what had happened would help alleviate some of the pain he’d kept bottled up inside him.
“Grace was born just before I got my doctorate. Initially, we’d planned on waiting until I’d gotten a teaching position, but Fiona wanted a baby sooner. Looking back, I’m not sure why I made such a big deal out of when the right time to have a baby was. Grace was a healthy baby, but she was colicky. Fiona spent a great deal of time walking around our room, trying to sooth her.”
Adam stopped talking and jumped to his feet, pacing. As Meredith watched him run a hand across his face, she couldn’t stand seeing him in this much pain. He moved about for several more seconds before walking back over to the window. When he stared outside into the night, the reflection from the window cast a soft glow on his face. She could see the expression on his face now, one of pain and bewilderment, even after all this time had passed.
“I was working on my dissertation, and Fiona kept bringing the baby into our bed, trying to comfort her. We were both so exhausted we could barely think straight. And then, one night I put my foot down. I begged Fiona to let Grace sleep in her own bed. At first she balked, but when I reminded her it was Christmas Eve, that we had big plans for the next day, she relented.”
This was why Adam was so intent on not going to church with her.
Meredith blinked back tears, regretting pressuring Adam into going to the Christmas Eve service with her. He’d lost Grace that night. Of course, he didn’t want to go.
“Fiona checked on Grace several times, and she was fine. I know Fiona barely slept that night because up until then, we’d always had the baby in bed with us.” He paused, before turning to face her. His eyes were filled with pain, and it was all she could do not to break down. But she would need to be strong—for Adam.
“Adam, you don’t have to do this.”
Ignoring her, he continued talking. “Around three o’clock Fiona went in to check on her again . . .”
He began raking a hand through his hair, struggling to continue. “Oh, God. This is so hard. I thought it would get easier with time, but it doesn’t.” Stumbling over his words, he continued. “I . . . I heard the scream . . . Fiona’s scream. And I knew.”
“Oh, Adam!”
He ignored her and continued talking, his voice growing louder once again. “Grace was blue. She was so blue. People always talk about how a person turns blue when the life is snuffed out of them. I always thought it was an exaggeration, but it’s true, Meredith. It’s true.”
“I can’t begin to imagine how devastating this was for you.”
“I picked her up, but I knew. I knew she was gone, but I started breathing into her tiny mouth, wanting so desperately to save her. That’s what fathers do, Meredith. They protect the people they love. I couldn’t save her. I tried so hard, wanted so desperately to get just one more chance with her. Her little body was so still, so cold. God. She was so tiny.”
He suddenly stopped talking, and when he folded his arms about himself, as though blocking out the world, she knew he’d finished.
Wrapping her arms about him, she leaned against him, wishing desperately she had the words that would provide comfort. But she didn’t.
“I loved my daughter, Meredith. I just want you to know that. And if I had it to do over again . . .”
“I know . . .”
“I realize now I should have told you sooner, Mere. It wasn’t as though I wanted to hide anything from you. It’s just that—well—every time I tell anyone, it’s like reliving it all over again. That’s why I don’t talk about it. I didn’t just keep this from you, Meredith, I’ve kept it from everyone.”
She held him for more than a minute. “You’re exhausted, Adam. How about if we go to bed? We can talk more in the morning if you’re up to it.”
He nodded numbly after she said it, as though dazed by all that had unfolded. As they made their way to the bedroom, he suddenly stopped. Gazing into her eyes, he hesitated for several seconds before asking, “Are . . . are we okay?”
“Yes, Adam. We’re good.”
When they got to the bedroom, he hesitated. Removing his clothes, he meticulously put them away, as though needing something to do. When he walked over to her side of the bed, she held out her arms. He fell into bed and she curled up behind him. Within minutes, he’d fallen asleep.
She reached over to him, cradling his head with her hands-much the same way he’d held her during her suicide attempt at Big Bend. As she kissed the top of his head, he murmured something she couldn’t make out.
His breathing grew shallow, and she realized he was in a very deep sleep. As the magnitude of all he’d told her set in, she fought back tears—tears for a man who’d lost so much—tears for a man who struggled to open himself up to others.
She said the words aloud now, uttering her commitment to this man aloud. “I love you, Adam Lightfoot, for better or worse.”
Epilogue
One Year Later
Adam gazed over at his wife as she rearranged Grace’s Christmas ornament, moving it up toward the front of the tree. “There, we’ll move it up here, closer to the others.” He smiled when she began positioning it next to Travis’s clothespin Santa.
His heart swelled with love for the woman who’d turned his entire life around. He watched intently as Meredith stood on tiptoe now, trying to hang Aiden’s First Christmas ornament. He strode over to her, grateful for a chance to rub his body against her again as he helped her hang the decoration.
When the ornament was properly hung, she turned to face him. Their eyes locked and as she smirked. Scrunching up her face, she began teasing him.
“Taking advantage of the fact Carly and Travis are over at Jake’s place?”
“Maybe.” He ran his hand along her backside, squeezing it lightly.”
“You’re the horniest man I know, Adam Lightfoot.”
“Is that a compliment?” He laughed at his own joke when a loud wail broke the silence.
“Your turn to change our son’s diaper. Lucky for you, I got the nasty diaper last time.” Mere rolled her eyes when she said it, and he chuckled.
As he made his way to the baby’s room, Meredith continued rearranging the tree. In that way, she was Katrina’s daughter because both were never satisfied when it came to decorating.
By the time Adam got to the nursery, the baby had begun cooing. He bent over Aiden’s crib, marveling at how much this child resembled him, part of the reason, he suspected that Katrina had slowly began accepting Adam as part of the family.
Aiden waved his tiny fists about, squirming and drooling. He reached for a clean diaper and began changing his boy, talking baby talk to him the entire time. “Daddy loves you, champ.” He picked up his infant son up, cradling him in his arms.
Little Aiden was a true miracle, one which Adam would feel eternally grateful for. His wife had hinted that she’d like to have another child when they first married. At first he’d balked at the notion, insisting that at thirty-nine, a pregnancy could prove difficult for her. They’d spent a great deal of time weighing the pros and cons. In the end, both were on the same page. Thankfully, both Carly and Travis had been thrilled at the news they’d be having a baby brother.
Adam held the baby against him and leaned over, opening the bottom dresser drawer of the baby’s nightstand. He rummaged through his son’s baby clothes until he found the tiny, silver colored box with a small gold bow. “Let’s give this to Mommy now, before the company arrives.”
When Aiden squirmed in his arms, Adam quickly pulled out the box, stuck it in the pocket to his jeans and began making his way back into the family room.
“Hey, how are my men?” Meredith’s eyes sparkled as she looked at the two of them, and Adam leaned over to kiss her.
“Wanna give this to Mommy now?” Adam looked down at Aiden and glanced quickly over at his wife. He handed her the small box and walked over to a nearby chair. “I want you to open this now, before the guests arrive. Aiden and I are going to watch you.”
As Meredith’s mouth tugged into a smile, she stared up at him, her eyes sparkling. When she began unwrapping the small parcel, he watched intently.
~ ~ ~
Meredith gasped aloud as she pulled the tiny snow globe from the gift box. She held it up, studying the white glitter float to the bottom of the globe until it landed on a miniscule figure sitting on the dock, a boat next to it.
“I realize that in Minnesota, you don’t generally sit out on the dock while it’s snowing, but you get the idea.” Adam cradled their son’s head with a hand as he watched her reaction.
“This is me as a little girl when I used to sit out on the dock for hours, wishing for a gazillion kids.”
“And wanting to be an astronaut . . . let’s not forget that.”
She laughed at the comment, knowing full well that part of the dream would never come true. But, of course, the other part had. She studied the pensive expression on Adam’s face as he waited for her to say more about the gift. When she gazed into his dark eyes, she felt her throat tighten. “I don’t have a gazillion kids, but I thoroughly love the ones I have. And I love you, Adam, so very much. My heart is full, so very, very full.”
She caressed the globe, completely amazed the lengths he’d gone to in purchasing the gift.
“Nowadays you can have almost anything custom made. I saw one similar in a catalog and decided to see if this company could custom make one. And to my surprise, they did.”
The depth of her husband’s love overwhelmed her. She’d never met anyone that put such thought into a gift, and when she watched Adam kiss the top of their son’s head, she realized that although it had taken a while, she’d eventually found her soul mate.
She shook the globe one more time, and that’s when she saw several gold specks near the top of the glove. “What are . . . these are stars, Adam. They’re stars. Oh, I hadn’t noticed them before.”
“They’re the stars over Texas, Mere. Remember when we saw them the time we went to see the Marfa Lights?” Remember how bright they were.”
“Of course, I do, darling. It was the first night we made love.”
Adam walked back over to the sofa and sat down beside her. She took the opportunity to kiss her infant son on the forehead, and quickly kissed her husband.
When the baby began kicking his legs, pushing his tiny arms toward Meredith, she realized Aiden had waited long enough.
“Looks like our little guy is getting hungry.” Adam’s expression was one of complete devotion as he handed Aiden over to her.
“Sit with me while I nurse him, Adam. How about if you tell our little man a story?” She set the globe down on the coffee table and smiled at her husband.
Adam helped her get settled and when she unfastened her blouse, he slid the baby against her. Aiden’s head bobbed about for a few seconds before he began nursing. The bab
y’s fists waved about as he drank from her.
And that’s when Adam began telling their son a story. “Once upon a time, there was a little girl who sat on the dock of Lake Minnetonka. She was a beautiful little girl named Meredith. Everyone loved this little girl . . .”
Meredith stared into her husband’s eyes, overwhelmed by the love she felt for him. “Do you have any idea how much I love you?”
Not missing a beat, Adam winked at her. “Yeah, but you can show me again after all our dinner guests leave and the three kids are tucked in.”
“Consider it done.”
He looked over at her again, and this time his expression was serious. “You make me happy, Mere-happier than I’ve ever been. If you love me half as much as I love you . . .”
Choking back tears, she spoke. “I love you more.”
They gazed at one another, that knowing glance that tells a person they married just exactly the right person.
As Adam reached down, allowing Aiden to wrap his tiny hands around his finger, Meredith glanced at her watch, counting the hours until the kids’ bedtimes.
Also from Soul Mate Publishing and Tessa Gray
LAST CHANCE TEXAS
A fiercely independent woman makes the decision to become artificially inseminated but the opinionated, conservative widower she’s met throws a monkey wrench into her plans. The stakes are high. She yearns for a child without the baggage of marriage. He insists on marriage without children.
Available now on Amazon: LAST CHANCE TEXAS