Lord, she was tired.
There was nothing to be done for it. She had tried, she really had tried, but it was over. She had another life to think about now, and as soon as the coach was ready she would leave Longbridge forever.
Exhausted, Adrian entered the long circular drive at Longbridge and cringed at the sight of the traveling chaise packed high with trunks. His heart sank; she was actually going to leave him. Please God, please show me Your mercy once more, just once more, and I swear it, I will not squander it, he hopelessly prayed.
It was even worse than he imagined. As he reined Thunder to a halt on the drive, at least a half-dozen pairs of eyes were on him, including Max’s and a crying Mrs. Dismuke’s, Lewis’s, Dr. Mayton’s, and those of a few of the servants. And in the middle of them stood Lilliana with a fat mongrel on either side of her.
There was no time to think; Adrian slid off Thunder and handed the reins to a young groom who actually frowned at him. Having ridden all night, he was covered with grime and hardly prepared to face her out here, in front of her army. But he had no choice—he would not waste this chance. He swept the hat off his head and raked his fingers through his hair. For a man who had lived life on the edge and had seen his fair share of danger and adventure, there was nothing—nothing—that frightened him more than what he must do at this moment. In front of all these people. Awkwardly, he moved forward, almost afraid to look at her. A silence fell over the little group as he lifted his head and gazed at Lilliana. “Don’t go,” he rasped.
The color left her face; she glanced sheepishly at those gathered around her. Mrs. Dismuke, with her beefy arms folded tightly across her barrel chest, glared hatefully at him. Bertram, the footman, pretended to be looking at the coach, but glowered at Adrian from the corner of his eye. Even Max, loyal Max, pressed his lips tightly together and riveted his gaze on the tip of his boots. Only Dr. Mayton looked even remotely sympathetic. There were no secrets here today, that much was obvious.
Lilliana nervously cleared her throat. “I … I beg your pardon, my lord, but I promised I would meet my family when they returned from Bath, don’t you recall?”
Adrian ignored her attempt to cover the ugly truth. “I am asking you, please, don’t go.”
Her eyes welled. “I have to,” she said simply.
“No. You don’t.” He took several shaky steps forward. “Grant me a word, Lilliana. Just a word.” God, did he sound as desperate as he felt?
Lilliana looked down, silently debating his request for what seemed like an eternity. Adrian shifted uncomfortably, tried not to notice the eyes staring at him, but had the distinct feeling that he might as well be standing on the gallows. He felt the butterflies of shame in the pit of his stomach, the heat of it under his collar. And just when he thought he would expire, she nodded. “A word,” she murmured. Several looked disapproving of that decision, particularly Mrs. Dismuke. But Lilliana walked out of their protective circle to where Adrian stood.
He grasped her elbow and anxiously pulled her a few feet away from the others. “Don’t go, Lilliana—”
She stubbornly shook her head. “I can’t live like this anymore, Adrian.”
“Don’t say that! Oh God—Listen to me. I was so wrong, Lillie, so wrong! I know why you went to Kealing! I know everything now, and in addition to being extremely grateful to you, I realize now how deeply Benedict poisoned us! No, no—that’s no excuse for my enormous stupidity! I should have trusted you. Lord, there are so many things I should have done! If you will but give me a chance, I will prove to you how sorry I am,” he whispered frantically.
Lilliana lifted her pale green eyes to him, eyes that had once sparkled with life. But all he could see was pain. Those eyes pierced his soul, flooded him with her doubts, which were so clearly evident And as tears began to fill her eyes, she slowly shook her head. “You may trust me at the moment, Adrian. But I think your wounds are too deep. I … I don’t know when you’ll close yourself off again, or find something else to distrust! I simply can’t live like this. I can’t … I can’t breathe like this!”
No! his mind screamed. Frantic, he pulled her even farther from the crowd. “All right … you wanted to soar, remember? You told me you want to experience life! I swear it, I’ll experience it with you, whatever you want to do! If you want to climb mountains, we’ll climb them! If you want to sail to the ends of the earth, we shall sail! You and me, Lilliana … and our child,” he pleaded desperately, and placed his hand over her abdomen.
With a sharp intake of breath, Lilliana flinched at his touch, A single tear drifted from the corner of one eye, and she squeezed them tightly shut. “God help us both, Adrian, but I fear it’s too late,” she gasped. “We can never go back, don’t you understand? This was a foolish marriage from the start, and the damage has been done. I can’t stay here! I can’t live with you!”
And as if he had burned her, she suddenly pivoted away from him.
Wild with despair, Adrian blurted, “What about the child you carry?”
Her hand unconsciously went to her belly, and reluctantly she turned her head slightly, glancing at him from the corner of her eye. The regret shimmering in her tears wrenched his heart. “I honestly don’t know,” she whispered hoarsely, and started forward.
Speechless, Adrian racked his brain for something, anything to stop her. He had no idea how to plead for his life—it was as foreign to him as everything else she had taught him. As Lilliana neared the little crowd Mrs. Dismuke opened her arms to her and Adrian saw his moment slipping away. Something deep inside him suddenly reared, and he shouted, “You promised you would never leave me!”
Lilliana halted dead in her tracks. Several of the onlookers gasped; Adrian caught his breath and held it. Turn around, turn around, turn around, he silently begged her, and merciful God, she slowly turned to face him.
“That was different,” she muttered weakly.
Adrian violently shook his head, “No! You swore you would never leave me, and you can’t deny it! You promised me, Lilliana. You promised!”
A stream of emotion paced wet paths down her fair cheeks; she looked so helpless and forlorn that Adrian took several steps toward her, his hands itching to hold her. But Lilliana shook her head and stumbled backward. “You can’t hold me to that vow, Adrian! Everything is different now!”
“Oh, yes, my darling,” he said in a low tone, and took another small step forward. “Everything is different. I am different—and so are you. That is why you can’t just walk out of here, isn’t it? Everything is different! There is so much unsaid, so much hurt between us, so much we have feared! We owe it to our child, Lilliana, we owe our child at least the chance to heal the wounds! Given what you know about my family, can you disagree? You can’t go, Lilliana, not like this!”
His plea was met with a softly strangled cry, and Lilliana buried her face in her hands. Her resolve was slowly crumbling. Clinging desperately to a tiny thread of hope, Adrian anxiously watched her. After a few agonizing moments, he began to realize that Mrs. Dismuke was gaping at him, slowly shaking her head … and astonishingly, sniffling through a few tears of her own. Behind her, Dr. Mayton was beaming over the heads of the others and patting Mrs. Dismuke on the arm. And Max! Max looked curiously at him, then at Lilliana, and after several long moments, he bent over to pick up her small portmanteau. Adrian’s heart seized—but Max startled him by wordlessly turning on his heel and carrying her bag into the house.
And then Lilliana lifted her wounded gaze to him. “One more day. That’s all I can give you.”
He nodded solemnly, belying the crest of renewed hope in his heart, and ignoring the grin Dr. Mayton and Bertram exchanged.
Another blasted tear slipped silently from her eye, and Lilliana bit her lip to keep the flood from coming. In the hours since Adrian had returned, she had been closeted in her rooms trying to make sense of her confusion, trying to decide what she should do. Though it was almost dusk, she was still no closer to an answer than
she had been two days ago.
The truth was that she loved Adrian as much or more than she ever did. She realized now, after hours of reflection, that it wasn’t Benedict who had ruined everything by lying to them—in spite of his many attempts to harm them. In the end, it was the distrust that destroyed everything. Oh, she believed Adrian was sorry for it, just as she was. And he might be grateful to her now for uncovering the truth of his birth—but what would he feel a year from now? Or tomorrow? Would he ever allow himself to feel without a struggle? And how long would it be before he lost the struggle? He had never once said he loved her—did he? Would he ever? She was deathly afraid of the heartache, afraid it would find a way to worm itself back into her life and destroy her.
The tinkle of bells distracted her; she turned to see Hugo wandering in through the door she was quite certain she had shut, wearing the bright red ribbon with a little bell on it she had made when Adrian was blind. Wagging his tail, Hugo eagerly lifted his snout to her face. “Hugo, where did you find your ribbon?” she mumbled, and reached down to scratch his ears. Running her hands through the fur on his neck, she felt something hard and bent down to examine it. A gasp of surprise escaped her—a diamond and emerald bracelet dangled next to his little bell. She quickly extracted the exquisite piece, and as she examined the bracelet Maude came bounding in and crowded in next to Hugo, lifting her snout over his for Lilliana’s attention. Maude, Lilliana quickly noticed, had a little pouch attached to her ribbon. She untied it, then turned it upside down over her lap. A folded square of vellum fell onto her lap next to a necklace made of emeralds and diamonds.
“Oh God,” she whispered, and snatched up the vellum, fumbling to open it. I implore you, please come to the gazebo. Please.
That was it—nothing more, no signature—nothing. But it was enough.
———
Adrian anxiously paced the length of the massive gazebo, around the expensive champagne chilling in a bucket of the river’s icy-cold waters, past the little table set up with a variety of puddings, and almost colliding with the massive bouquet of orchids and lilies. Irritably, he stepped around the bouquet to continue his pacing. With Max’s considerable help, he had scrambled like a madman for this moment, knew it his last and best chance. And he was sick with fear that she would not come.
He grit his teeth—she would come. And when she did, he had the perfect speech planned, one that would explain the forces of the universe in such a way that she could not possibly misconstrue what he was telling her. It was a very fine speech of contrition; he had thought about nothing else since that horrifying ordeal on the drive. His initial victory was fragile, that was plainly obvious, but this speech—he had examined it for flaws, and she could not possibly find anything lacking in his logic.
He pivoted sharply on his heel, preparing to pace again, and gasped with surprise. Lilliana stood at the entrance to the gazebo. Adrian’s heart flipped in his chest as he gazed at her—good God, had she always been so beautiful? In the golden light of sunset, dressed in a gown the color of her eyes and sporting a plunging decolletage above which his peace offering glittered, the woman he had married looked every inch the Princess. For the hundredth time he was sharply reminded of how very blind he had been—to the beauty that glowed from within her, to the brilliant smile that could bring a man to his knees. To the curvaceous shape, the glorious hair, and the sparkling eyes—the depth of his stupidity astounded him.
She clasped her hands demurely behind her back, and he was, he realized, staring at her like a simpleton. Drawing a deep, steadying breath, he said, “I have been so wrong, I can’t imagine that you would want to listen to a word I have to say.”
Lilliana smiled sadly, her gaze flicking to the orchids. “We were both wrong.”
“Yes, well, I have been quite … obtuse, really. Thick is another word that comes to mind,” he muttered, more to himself. “All in all I was spectacularly wrong about you.”
Her brows dipped slightly into a puzzled frown.
“That is to say … I wronged you. I should have trusted you. I should have done so many things—” His speech. Where was his speech? Where were the grand comparisons of their troubles to life in general? The promises he intended to make? Out of his mind, because gazing at her, he felt a surge of warmth in his chest, the unmistakable, irrefutable proof—
“I love you,” he blurted. “Hopelessly so, I’m afraid.”
Her eyes widened, and she drew her bottom lip between her teeth.
“The fact of the matter is that I can’t live without you and I am in mortal fear that you will truly leave me,” he announced, and had the sensation of his heart winging far ahead of his brain. And he couldn’t stop it. Clutching her hands tightly together, Lilliana lifted them to her mouth, and peered at him with such a strange look that he couldn’t say if she was appalled or merely fearful. He braced his hands against his hips, looked wildly about the room as he tried to think of the right words, but it was no use—his heart plunged ahead. “Lillie … please God, don’t leave me. I need you! If you will just let me try and show you how very sorry I am for everything, that I love you … that I love you so much I ache with it—”
Adrian would never really be certain how it happened—he was quite sure he never even saw her move. But she was suddenly in his arms, kissing him madly. He grabbed her waist to keep from falling, but his knees were buckling from the gravity of his emotion, and the next thing he knew they were lying prone on the cushioned benches that circled the interior of the gazebo.
“I love you,” he muttered again, astonished at how the words lifted the invisible weight from his heart. Her hands were fumbling with his neckcloth, then the buttons of his waistcoat. “I never knew what love was until you—and I don’t deserve it,” he continued with breathless determination as she pushed his coat from his arms. “I don’t deserve anything as precious or as good or as beautiful as you. And … and I had you, but I didn’t recognize what you were doing to me until it was too late and I had no just cause to distrust you so, and now, God help me, I haven’t the faintest idea what to do,” he babbled as she forced him onto his back and started on his shirt. “But beg you. Yes, beg you, down on my knees, I beg you Lillie, please love me—”
She silenced him with a deep kiss. Her tongue darted between his lips, and Adrian groaned, all thoughts suddenly vanquished from his head. Her fingers scraped at his shoulders, down his chest and across his hardened nipples, then lower, drifting over the desire straining against his clothing.
Adrian grabbed her head, pulling the pins from her hair and raking his fingers through the silken tresses. He inhaled her into his soul, and then somehow she was beneath him, the fastening of her gown loosened enough that her magnificent breasts had spilled out. He devoured them while his hand fought her skirts, shoving them upward until he could feel the creamy skin of her thighs. “I love you,” he muttered.
“Then show me,” she responded hoarsely in his ear, and Adrian thought it the most erotic thing ever uttered in the history of the world. Lilliana squirmed beneath him and nipped his bottom lip with her teeth. “Show me now,” she insisted. He did not need to be asked again; he freed himself from his trousers and entered her greedily, reveling in the sheer seduction of her body wrapping tightly around his. Lilliana grasped his shoulders and raised herself to him. “I love you, Adrian. More than my very own life I love you.”
And he thought he might very well explode. He thrust hard into her, watching her eyes shimmer with desire and her lips purse with her rapid breath. She rocked against him, meeting each thrust with her own, squeezing him tightly with her legs. Their lovemaking was almost barbaric in its intensity yet equally magnificent in its splendor, and as the desire in him began to uncoil toward a frightening climax, Lilliana’s head dropped backward. She whimpered as she convulsed around him, each spasm of heat branding him. And Adrian lost himself deep inside her, near the womb that held their child and the promise of their future.
They
lay spent, each gasping for breath. To think that he might never have held her again made him suddenly shudder, but Lilliana’s fingers twined through his hair, soothing him with feathery little strokes. “Tell me again,” she whispered. “Tell me so that I may soar.”
Adrian lifted his head and looked into the gray-green eyes of his wife. Humbled and grateful that God had shown him the quality of mercy a second time, he smiled tenderly. In that moment he silently vowed never to squander another moment with her again. “I love you, Princess, more than the very air that I breathe.”
And Lilliana closed her eyes and laughed, exactly as she might if she were soaring high above the earth.
Twenty-five
ADRIAN FROWNED AS a groom led Thunder onto the front drive. Standing with her hands pressed against the small of her back, Lilliana shook her head firmly and frowned right back. “You are making a goose of yourself, my lord husband,” she announced.
Max could not suppress a chuckle at that, and Adrian’s frown deepened.
“Nothing is going to happen,” she said blithely. “I am only seven months, and if anything should happen—which it won’t—Max has already promised at least one hundred times to send for you at once. Mother and Caroline are here with me, so stop worrying and go,” she said, making a shooing motion with her hand.
“It is precisely because you are seven months along that I am worried,” he snapped irritably, and bestowed a look that suggested he might strangle Max if he grinned one more time. “What if the child should come early?” he doggedly continued.
“This child is not going to come early, darling, Dr. Mayton told you so himself. Please, would you go? The Rogues are going to think you are dead on the turnpike.”
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