by Venice Kelly
Taking a few steps I let it go for a moment as I make my way inside the climbing gym and wave at Austin Parsons. Austin has been my best friend since grade school we’ve done everything together. I see Austin make sure the leggy blonde attached to the climbing gear is alright and he tells Kyle to watch her while he makes his way over to me. I know Austin knows she is back in town, his mother and Sharon are good friends. They live down the road from the Harvell’s. Austin grabs his water bottle taking a drink before he finally reaches me and smiles.
“You look like someone put you through a meat grinder.” Austin says.
I’m mute for a moment almost numb before my voice finally finds itself.
“I took a drive. She’s home.” I say an edge to my voice that I don’t even recognize it’s not supposed to be there anymore. I’m not supposed to feel anything towards her. I’ve told myself that countless times while I’m in bed with various women I don’t care about her anymore.
“I know. My mom sent over a casserole.” Austin says, his arms cross and I can tell I’ve made him uncomfortable.
“Of course she did.” I say quietly a hint of bitterness behind it.
The problem with being best friends with Austin at this moment is knowing how things affect him too. He is close to the Harvell’s and he lost something that night too. He has taken it much better than the rest of us that were close to Hannah have. Even though Austin was in love with her he’s been able to move on or at least look like he is moving on. I’m never quite sure which it is anymore so much has changed between us all over the years.
“It wasn’t her fault you know.” Austin says quietly.
Logic tells me he is right, my gut tells me he is right but the other small part of my brain screams it is. She was driving the car that night, she was behind the wheel. Her eyes should have been on the road. My chest tightens for a moment as my body wages the two feelings that overwhelm me when I think about that night. Deep down guilt is inside me too. If we hadn’t of had a huge fight about college, where we were going and petty shit Vanessa would have never offered to drive Hannah home.
“Jake?”
Austin’s voice filters into my thoughts and I realize I am staring off into space looking at some blank space on the climbing wall. I can’t hate her, I can’t love her. I can’t feel anything for anymore, if I do it will make it too real and tangible for me. When I do I drift off into moments like this where I feel numb and the only thing I want to do is find Jessica and bury my problems into her for another night.
“I bunch of us are getting together tonight at McGills for drinks. Shane’s back in town it could be a reunion of sorts. It could get your mind off everything.” Austin says waving to Terri one of his female instructors. Terri and I have hooked up a few times, but she is a bit too needy for my tastes. Not to mention the money behind my last name had her seeing stars on the fifth hook up. We ended things courtly of course but I try to avoid her.
I stand there for what seems like hours debating my options about whether or not I am actually going to go out with Austin for drinks. I could very well skip it and stay in tonight take Jessica to bed and forget. Austin seems to read my mind as he lifts his eyebrows at me. “I don’t think she’ll be there.”
So he will stop pestering me about it and because God knows I need to get my mind off Vanessa nod my head at him. “I’ll see you there in a few hours. I gotta drop some contracts back off with my dad.”
***
A few hours later I am sitting in the crowded bat of McGills Austin is with me along with Jessica and Terri. It’s not awkward or anything and as Paige Alexander approaches us with refills for our drinks she smiles. Paige is bubbly, smart with honey butter blonde hair. She used to ride with my sister back in high school and college. She quit halfway through her junior year and then went back to culinary school. At the moment she is saving for a down payment on a bakery she wants to open, something she and I have talked about me possibly investing in. She plasters on a smile but deep down I know she hates Jessica, despises her and part of me can’t help but again feel guilty.
“Here you go.” Paige says setting the drinks down on the table and then placing the tray under her arm. The bartender signals to her that it’s alright to take her break and she slides into the booth beside me. “I’m glad Austin dragged you out it’s been a few weeks.”
I pick up my beer and nod my head at her as I take a sip only to freeze midway through when Jessica speaks.
“She has the nerve to come in here?”
I don’t even see myself taring across the bar to Vanessa walking in and then I look at Paige who moves from her seat and walks towards her. I watch my brain on autopilot not able to tear my eyes away as Paige engulfs her and Vanessa takes a few moments to return the gesture. Over Paige’s shoulder her eyes burn a hole into mine and I know that look. It is the same look she gave me four years ago. Chugging down the rest of my beer I grab Jessica’s hand. I can’t deal with this right now. Austin’s mouth hangs open for a moment before he speaks.
“Dude I had no idea Paige invited her.”
I don’t bother to give him an explanation as I walk with Jessica towards the doorway. I stop for a second as Paige and Vanessa are caught up in what I assume is girl catch up or whatever the fuck you call it. They stop and I feel Vanessa’s hand absently brush against mine. All it takes is a second as her eyes slowly meet mine and I stare into them. My breath catches seeing her far away was alright I was in control then. Seeing her up close however sends my emotions in a spiral. Her eyes still sparkle just a hint, they’re still just as beautiful as I remember. So I do the only thing I can. I pull Jessica to me and kiss her. Hard as if my life depends on it. I want to prove to her I’ve moved on that I’ve forgot. The only thing I get in return is Vanessa turning her head away as Paige shoots me daggers before leading her over to the table with Austin and Terri.
“You want to get out of here?” Jessica asks a grin plastered all over her face looking at me like I’m about to devour her. I nod my head at her knowing that tonight she’s just a warm body nothing else.
CHAPTER THREE
Vanessa
SITTING NEXT TO my mother in the white chair I stare at the pallbearers as they lower my fathers’ casket into the ground. It hasn’t rained today yet though the weather report said it would. It is overcast, which seems fitting for a day like today. On the other side of my mother is my little sister Natalie. Natalie and I have barely spoken since she came home. If anything it reminds me that I don’t know her anymore, most siblings are close. Most families are, ours hasn’t been close since that night four years ago. I see my sister help my mom up from her chair. Natalie is a few inches shorter than I am, she has nearly the same color hair but a few shades lighter. Her eyes are blue just like my mother’s instead of the hazel in mine.
“I’m going to take her to the car.” Natalie says looking at me for a moment. She wants to give me time to say my goodbye.
I suppose that is a good thing as I don’t know how to do that. Natalie was the one home the last few years with my parents. Not knowing what to say to her I nod my head and watch her leave to the waiting line of cars. Over the years my dad always wanted me to come home to spend more time with my family. I insisted that I would only cause more problems by being home. Something my therapist says I do to deflect from what happened that night. Staring at the headstone as I watch the cemetery workers begin to throw dirt on the grave I can feel the sting of tears in my eyes and bite my cheek. I stare numbly at the headstone and nearly jump into the hole when I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder.
“I’m so sorry about your dad.” Paige says. Seeing Paige again the other night at McGills brought me back to high school and early college. When she Hannah and I were best friends inseparable. I was still surprised when she had called to meet up to catch up we haven’t talked in over four years.
“Thanks.” I say my voice is numb as I stare at the casket.
“I told your mom and Nat
alie I could give you a ride home.” Paige says, her voice is clam and soothing something I realize that I have missed over the years. I nod my head at her and she seems to accept that before heading back to the waiting line of cars.
God is cruel I have decided in those moments of silence. A cruel and unrelenting presence in my life that I feel I will never outrun. Life has a funny way of dealing its cards to you. For me that moment came when I was behind the wheel of the car that night. Ten seconds. That was all it took to change my entire life in a matter of moments. Moments that I can’t take back or replace moments that led me here. I’m not going to say my fathers heart attack was my fault, I know it’s not. His physician even said it was completely unexpected no one could have prevented it. However, I feel like I should have been here for it.
I hear the footsteps behind me and wipe at my eyes I can already feel the fresh sting of tears in them, reality setting in. My father is gone and I never got to say goodbye. A wave of guilt washes over me at that thought. I’ve spent the last four years away from home, running from what happened to Hannah that night. When I should have been here with my family, I should have spent more time with my family instead of hiding in LA. Wasted time as my therapist would say.
“It was a nice service.”
I freeze as Jake’s words register with me, his voice is calm as he stands beside me hands shoved in his pockets staring at the ground. I honestly didn’t even know he was at the service. I shouldn’t be mad at him for the other day at McGill’s we’ve both moved on with our lives. It hurts though like an ache I didn’t know could still exist especially seeing him with Jessica. Jessica who was the cause of our fight that night the first place. He could be with anyone else and it probably wouldn’t hurt that bad. But being with the woman that had been gunning for him for years rubs me all kinds of wrong.
“It was.” I don’t know where the words come from or even how they get out but they do. My eyes wander over the cemetery till they reach Hannah’s headstone. I bite my bottom lip to keep the onslaught of tears that are threatening to fall back.
“About what happened the other night.” Jake starts I watch him for a moment as his voice trails off. I wait with baited breath for him to finish. “I didn’t expect to see you back in town.”
He still has those stunning green eyes that draw you into his soul, he has a five o’clock shadow forming on his face. He’s a bit more filled out that I remember I suppose four years will do that to someone. For a second as I stare at his face and then his hands I wonder what they feel like. If they’re still soft with small callouses on them from riding yet soft enough to leave a velvety feather touch on my skin. Despite coming from money and lots of it Jake always preferred the outdoors. Even when his father wanted him at the family business closing development deals, buying land and profiting from it.
“I won’t be here long just a few more days. You don’t owe me an explanation. You made everything clear years ago.” My voice it bitter when it comes out even though it has no right to be.
I was the one driving that night, my punishment was clear. Losing my best friend wasn’t enough I lost Jake too. He was the one that told me when I woke up that he didn’t know if he could be with me anymore. He was the one that walked out of my room that day to never once look back. The hate in his eyes when I showed up at the funeral a week later is something that has never left my mind in the last four years. I couldn’t handle it, it hurt to much to have him look at me with so much hate and disgust. So I left writing him a letter, transferred schools and stayed away. Until now I had no choice this time I had to come home.
“I didn’t say you have to leave.” Jake bites out a hint of frustration in his voice. He runs his hand over his chin, rubbing it before it passes through his hair. I’m not sure if he is agitated or upset but the conversation has clearly struck a nerve with him.
I want to say more to him but instead I turn around to when his hand reaches out and takes mine. It’s familiar and comforting all at once. It rips open old wounds in me and for a fraction of a second I pretend to be in another place and time. Its a simple gesture that I know should mess with my head but it does, we stand there quietly for a few seconds. Out of the corner of my eye I see Paige walking towards us and as much as it pains me I pull my hand away.
“I have to go.” My voice is barely above a whisper as I take a few steps away from him walking towards Paige. I turn my head back for a final glance and I’m not sure what I see in his eyes. It’s not anger instead those green eyes are filled with something much more hurtful that I can’t allow regret.
CHAPTER FOUR
Jake
RETURNING HOME FROM Garrett’s funeral I park the truck in the circle driveway of my parent estate. Sitting back in the seat I loosen my tie, my brain at the moment is a frazzled mess. I don’t even know why I went to the funeral at first, both my parents refused to go. I had no place there I know that but I still felt like I owed it to Garrett to be there. I’ve never hated Garrett, he helped me see things a bit more clear over the last four years. I was an asshole back then no one needs to tell me that, losing Hannah was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Well, one of two things that happened to me. The other was getting a fucking letter in the mail from Vanessa. A relationship that had lasted almost three years over in a fucking letter.
At the time I was still grieving the loss of my sister, still too angry at what had happened that night. I pushed her away. I said and did some pretty horrible shit to her over those first few weeks that Hannah was gone. I can’t blame her for leaving me. I can’t blame her for leaving West Lake and the town that she grew up in, leaving her friends and her family. If anything I blame myself for pushing her to do that. The last four hears have reminded me of that. I’m reminded of it when I take different women to bed and I’m haunted with it when Jessica and I start up our on and off again fling. It’s dangerous territory one Austin has warned me about for years.
According to him I sleep around so much to ease my guilt from destroying the only woman I’ve ever really loved. In his words a way to run from my role in what happened the night of the accident. A way to avoid that Vanessa and I had a massive fight at the cabin that night. I was the one that let her leave, I was the one that watched her pull out of the driveway with Hannah in the car. I was the one that was dealing with pressure from my dad to end things with her. I was torn between the love I had for her and taking the family name. I close my eyes for a bit resting my head on the seat rest, regaining my composure I don’t like to think about that night.
Stepping out of the truck I glance at the massive house. Home sweet fucking home. Well it used to be a home anyway until my mother left two years ago. I can see why Hannah’s death pushed her to the bottle to the point where it was too hard for her to stay. She filed for divorce over Easter last year. I still don’t know why I approached the grave earlier maybe it was the way Vanessa looked staring into the ground. Her hair cascading down her back in soft waves. I didn’t know what I was going to say when I did, it just happened. I hated how dejected she looked while she stared at me. I know that I deserved it. I wasn’t exactly there for her when shit went down. I expected her to be angry at me anything other than how she was today. By the time I reach the front steps I look down at my hand.
I still hours later remember the way it felt having her hand in my own again. The gentleness in the touch, the way her fingers felt against my skin. Her hands are still perfect not to small, not too large. I don’t even know what possessed me to reach out and take it, I have no right to anymore. She’s not mine anymore. She hasn’t been mine in four years. I still think of her as that though mine. I know I shouldn’t and that is when another wave of guilt hits me. I took her hand as a plea, a silent plea to stop the pounding in my chest that had happened when she said those words.
“I won’t be here long just a few more days.”
She’s leaving again I don’t know why I expected her to stay but I did. I hoped she would even if
that hope was fleeting. Opening the door I glance into the massive foyer and I hear the footsteps in the downstairs study. My father Alan, comes out a brandy in his hand as he stares at me.
“Did you get her to sign it?” He asks his voice is cold.
The last two years have been a struggle for me I couldn’t leave home like my mother did. My friends are here my life is here. I shake my head no at him today was not the day I was going to approach Sharon Harvell with the papers for the farm.
“You’re too soft Jacob. Garrett agreed to sell to us finally put that land to good use. He finally came to his senses. It is the least he could have done given everything that has happened.” He says, raising the tumbler to his lips for another drink.
“I’ll do it. Today hardly seemed appropriate.” I say my tone even as I stare at him.
Years ago I would have done anything to please him. In fact I did that night I let Vanessa leave the party. I did the one thing he wanted I gave her up. Now though looking at him I wonder why no matter what deal we close. No matter how much money we make it is never enough for him. Hannah used to tell me dad’s approval was a waste of time to try and get. I’m learning now that is true.
“You know what I think? I think you’re too much of a coward to do it. That you can’t do it. Do you want to know why Jacob?” My father presses, his lips forming a thin line.
“Why?” I know better than to answer him when he is like this. I already know the answer.