by Venice Kelly
I watch her saunter into my office her long legs tanned with her pencil skirt and she takes a seat next to Austin in the leather chairs. “You asked me to swing by,” Jessica informs, placing her bag down by the chair. It takes a moment to remember our text messages, but looking down at the phone, it all comes together. I did invite her down here. It seems like so long ago.
Austin looks like he wants to gag into his mouth as he rises from the chair. I want to tell him not to leave, but I know I can’t.
“Nice to see you, Jess. I’ll see you later, Jake. I’ll text you the details,” Austin says over his shoulder, as he walks out of the office.
I sit there for a few moments as I watch him leave. Leaving me alone with Jessica. I watch her get up from the chair and close the door to my office, locking it behind Austin. She walks towards me and leans her lips down to mine. It takes a few moments before I react. I kiss her back, grabbing her hips and pulling her into my lap. I can do this with Jessica. I need to do this with her. It’s better than the alternative: thinking about Vanessa leaving again. I close my eyes to shut off my brain and lift Jessica onto the edge of the desk, bunching her skirt around her waist.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Vanessa
MY SISTER PARKS the truck on the dirt path. I asked her to come with me to the party, mainly because I needed a ride . . . but also so we could talk. I unleashed on her the other day, and that was unfair of me. She just spoke some uncomfortable truths that I wasn’t ready to come to terms with just yet. Over the past few days, I’ve had no choice in the matter. Jake was part of the reason I came home, and as much as I have tried to ignore that, I can’t anymore. My mother was speechless when she came home and I informed her of my decision to quit my job in LA. Brian took the news quite well, however, and we agreed he should come out for a visit.
After that, I called my roommate Charlotte Gaines. As a nurse, Charlotte has been my friend since I transferred to LA. We were roommates through college and outside of college, even though the last few months most of my time has been spent at Brian’s place. She was happy to hear from me and, of course, asked me all kinds of questions, which I guess for a girl from LA was expected. She asked about the farm and the horses. We talked about boys for a bit, and when I asked her to pack up my stuff and send it, she asked about Jake. Not that Charlotte doesn’t love Brian as my boyfriend—she does. She is one of the few people in Los Angeles who know about my past with Jake, and what he means to me.
“I still can’t believe you are staying,” Natalie says, as she gets out of the truck and packs her cellphone and the keys into her purse.
“You and Mom need me here,” I reply, as I open the door and let my flip flops hit the ground. My sundress seems to fit the mood of the setting sun in the mountains, and the lake this time of year. If we want to swim, it will be just right—neither too cold nor too hot.
“About the other day in the arena,” I begin, hoping to explain that I was dealing with my own shit, and that she didn’t deserve that slap I laid on her.
“I said some shit that was out of line. We’ll call it even alright?” Natalie concedes, as walk through the path towards the lake. We walk about a quarter of a mile before we make it.
It’s still gorgeous this time of year; the deep blue waters like a calming ocean in the middle of the mountains. Paige picked a great spot along the shoreline. She is already there, with Shane next to her, and I can’t help but wonder what happened with them all those years ago. Austin is also here, and so is Kyle, of his instructors at the gym. It’s just a group of friends getting together, but I realize I’m still holding my breath. Jake’s not here and both dread and relief fill me all at once at the realization. I don’t have to see him.
There are a few fishing boats on the water. The tide is barely coming in, and it’s just how I remember it. I try to not let the bad memories flood my head as I look out over the water. About another mile down the road is the guard rail. Even though I can’t see it, I know it is there. They’ve probably fixed it by now, and I don’t know if there is a marker there for Hannah or not. I can’t see the crash site from my current vantage point, but if I really wanted to, I could start walking the beach until I got to it. Laughter breaks me out of my thoughts, as Paige throws her arms around my neck.
“Yay, you came!” Paige says, her tone eager and cheerful. She throws her arm around me in another awkward embrace.
I don’t let it bother me this time, since I’m staying in town now. If anything, I hope it allows Paige and I to bond again. I’ve come to realize that I missed her over the last few years. I missed her bright personality and how close we were as kids. I consider it a strong start to starting over, if you will
“Natalie over there twisted my arm,” I offer, giving her a smile as she lets out a hearty laugh and tugs on my hand to lead me over to the campfire.
I don’t know much about Kyle, only that he works at Outdoor Adventures, but he seems close with Austin. I haven’t seen Shane since I left town either, and I can tell that a lot has changed. Growing up, Shane was always the odd kid out in our group. He wasn’t in the same grade as us girls, and he wasn’t in the same grade as Austin and Jake either. He was in the military until recently, or so my mother has told me. That might explain why quite a different Shane is standing over there, a far cry from the one I once knew.
“I did not,” my sister scoffs, as she takes a Corona from the cooler. I want to mutter that she knows I can’t drive anymore, and really needs to take it easy on the booze, but I don’t.
“Well, I’m still glad you came. Do you remember when we used to come down here when we were kids? You and Jake used to go for long walks on the beach—walks that went a little too long if you know what I mean! Austin and Hannah stayed behind by the fire.” Paige pauses, realizing that drudging up my relationship with both Jake and Hannah has hit a sore spot. She takes a sip of her beer. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
Austin watches me as I take a seat on the log that’s near the campfire. My sister is silent as she stares into the flames. It’s the first time in over four years I’ve ever really thought about any of this. Kyle hands me a beer, which I take before setting in the sand. Drinking and driving are something that I don’t do, even if I don’t drive anymore. Having your life picked apart by the police and district attorney will do that to you.
I wasn’t drinking that night, but still it doesn’t matter to me. I got behind the wheel. I was the one who was more concerned with my cell phone and what was happening with Jake than watching the road. I took summers at the lake away from Austin. I took moments with Hannah from her family.
“I remember,” Shane offers our group. His eyes meet Paige’s over the flames. His hands are busy peeling the label off his beer bottle. “I think it’s good we remember the bad along with the good.”
Austin nods at him. “I agree. Hannah would want that.”
Paige is still standing on the beach, looking at us through the fire, and I can’t tell if her head is even at the bonfire party she wanted to throw. Her eyes look so far away, so distant from what Shane just said. I know they broke up years ago, or at least that is what my sister tells me. What I don’t know is the how or the why behind it. When I left, Paige and Shane were solid . . . or I thought they were.
“Please tell me someone brought some marshmallows.” My sister’s quirky voice should be an annoyance to me, like it normally is. This time, however, it provides a great distraction and Kyle nods his head.
“I have some up in my truck,” he says, rising from the log opposite mine, and brushing off his shorts.
“Great. I’ll go with you,” Natalie replies. She looks to me for permission, which I don’t understand. I’m not her mother.
When I don’t object, they begin to walk back toward the path. I don’t know much about Kyle, but then again, I don’t know Natalie very well, either. They seem comfortable around each other, and they look about the same age too. Austin trusts him, so I suppose I can trust him to
o. I shift my feet in the rocky sand for a few seconds as the rest of us fall into an eerie silence. Paige eventually comes and sits down next to me.
“I’m glad you’re home. I’ve missed you. After everything that happened life, kinda stopped for a while,” she says, staring at me.
It’s the first time since I’ve been home that we’ve really had a moment alone to talk. I want to ask her what about life stopped, but I don’t. Instead, I nod and smile. “Well, I’m home now.”
“What about when you leave again?” There is a sadness to her question. I can tell in the way she looks at the ground as she speaks. It’s almost as if my leaving again isn’t something even she can bear.
“I’ve actually decided to stay home for a bit. There are some things going on at the farm. My dad’s life insurance hasn’t come in yet and with him gone, my mom needs my help,” I say, picking up the beer bottle from the sand and bringing the cold glass to my lips. I take a small sip. No one except my sister and mother knew I was staying until now.
“You’re really staying?” Shane’s voice is half between monotone and an octave higher. I nod. He lifts his glass in tribute. “Well, then, I say this is cause for celebration.”
Paige nods as she holds up her own glass, another warm smile on her face. Austin has the faint lines of a smile on his own mouth at the revelation and does the same. I hold my glass up as I see Natalie and Kyle coming back down the path a bag of marshmallows in her hand. They’re laughing and having a good time. For once in four years, I feel a sense of home in that moment.
***
A few hours later, while the bonfire is still burning and the rest of my friends are splayed out on the beach or on the logs looking up at the stars, I’ve managed to sneak away and walk the beach alone. In the moonlight, the water reflects just enough light in the summer night to not be too dark to see. Fall and winter are different in it normally is pitch black. I finally make it to the section of beach that is my favorite, the one where you can see directly where the water goes out to the creek. I sit down. It’s our spot, mine and Jake’s. I haven’t been here in years. Paige wasn’t wrong earlier when she said we would walk—we would, to this exact spot and we’d stay gone for hours.
Tucking my knees to my chest, I rest my head on my arms as I stare at the water. I should dip my toes in see how it feels. I resist mainly because the last time I was in the lake was that night. Years ago, we’d come out here and fool around. Jake would hold me and we’d discuss our silly plans for our future. Looking back on those memories brings a small smile to my face. It’s those memories that I miss the most of home, the time in my life that was good and not so clouded. Hearing some footsteps beside me, I look up to see Jake staring at me. His hands are shoved in his pockets, his hair sticking every way out from his head. He’s wearing tight fitting jeans and a t-shirt. I go to say something only for him to beat me to it.
“I thought you were leaving?” he says, looking down at the ground for a moment before glancing up at me.
“I was, but I need to stay home for a bit. I won’t be in your way.” I keep my voice calm and even with him.
Being around him has always been a weakness with me. I attempt to get up from the sand and, of course, my flip flop comes out underneath my foot. I almost topple over, only for his arms to catch me. His hands grip my waist and we are both still for a few seconds. His eyes show a hint of desire, mixed in with what I can only imagine is pain. It still feels safe to be in his arms, calming, and I know it shouldn’t. I have a boyfriend, and Jake obviously has something going on with Jess. We’re at different places in our lives.
“I didn’t say you would be in the way.” His voice is quiet when he speaks, and the next thing I know, he is leaning in, brushing his lips against mine.
It’s a sweet gesture and for a moment, I’m unsure of what to do with him. He deepens the kiss, sliding his mouth over mine and my own mouth meets his eagerly. He lets out a groan into my mouth and pulls me towards him, his hands roaming my sides softly as if he is exploring my curves all over again. I give in for a few seconds. His hands go to my hair, his fingers tracing my jaw line. He still smells like oranges, with a hint of spice. The kiss continues for what feels like forever. My hands have clutched the back of his neck, digging into his scalp. I am pretty sure somewhere along the way, I let out a whimper into his mouth. He pulls his face back and moves his lips down my neck.
“I like the mint,” he manages to mumble against my neck. “It used to be cherry.”
“Hey Vanessa some guys is—shit.” The voice behind us breaks my brain back to reality.
I pull away looking at Jake, confused as I stare at Austin over his shoulder. I realize I am shaking from the kiss as Jake stares at me biting his lip. There is clear annoyance on his face. I try to offer an explanation to Austin, but I don’t really have one. I don’t owe him one, anyway. Instead, I do what I am good at when faced with memories of Jake: I walk away, leaving him standing there looking out at the water.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Jake
I WATCH HER walk down the beach and instantly start kicking myself mentally. I did the one thing that I haven’t stopped thinking about since I saw her pass me the other day. The one thing I haven’t stopped thinking about since that small glimpse. I kissed her and now I feel like I’m going fucking crazy. I shouldn’t still be that drawn to her. I’ve told myself that over and over again. Austin is still standing there looking at me and I am pretty sure I’m hard as a rock. Not that other women don’t do that for me they do, but I don’t desire them the way I do her. The way I’ve always wanted her and I know I shouldn’t want her.
“So you’re just comforting her?” Austin says, the snark in his voice unmistakable almost as if he is telling me he told me so.
“Shut up.” I say looking back at him. His words moments ago are now registering in my head in ways I’m not even sure how I feel about them.
Some guy is looking for you.
I have no right to be jealous over that statement and I know that but it slices at me in ways that I can’t even describe. It cuts deep down inside of me reminds me that I let her go four years ago. It makes me see red in every direction in my beyond screwed up life at the moment. It makes me hate who I was four years ago, makes me hate the way we ended things. I don’t bother to say anything back to Austin before I turn back around and head back with him to the bonfire. A bonfire I didn’t bring Jess too though she tired her best. Including sending me stupid emoji’s all fucking day and finally a nude.
We walk along the beach in silence I need to wrap my head around this before we go back to the bonfire. I close my eyes listening to the waves and the only thing that flutters into my head is how badly I still want her, how her lips now taste like fucking mint instead of cherries. How those little gasps and whimpers make my heart beat a little faster and how if Austin hadn’t of come by when he did I would have done more than kiss her. By the time we reach the bonfire I get a good look at the him Austin was talking about I already hate him, he looks like LA.
He’s wearing slacks, a button down shirt with rolled up sleeves and fucking loafers on the beach. He looks around our age perhaps older, he’s got a silver watch on. He’s got slightly sandy brown hair and brown eyes. I watch him wrap my Vanessa up in his arms for a hug and I am pretty sure my entire body goes stiff. She hasn’t been my Vanessa in some time. Natalie is over on the log with Kyle and she casts me a glance before looking away. In the last few years when we did talk Vanessa rarely came up. She has no right to feel guilty for keeping this from me it wasn’t like I asked. Looking back I don’t know how I would have taken it either.
“You weren’t supposed to be in for a few more days.” Vanessa tells him when she pulls back from him.
“I was worried and able to close a deal early.” The guys voice already grates on my nerves. I’m not sure if the dude even knows who I am when he takes a few steps towards me and holds out his hand. “Brian McAllister.”
Ye
ah I hate him. Even his name screams LA to me. I can’t think of another way to describe it as I stare at him.
“Jake.” I don’t bother with a last name. If he doesn’t know who the fuck I am, then he’s dumber than a bag of bricks.
He stiffens a little and for a small moment I feel like I’ve won some battle in my head. I had her first. He can’t take that from me. I wait for her to say anything, do anything other than look away from me. Austin holds out his hand despite knowing what he saw us doing not even half an hour ago he holds it out the bastard.
“Austin Parson pleasure to meet you.”
Shane gets up from the log and holds out his hand. “Shane Fairman.”
It’s not a pleasure to meet him as I look at him shaking hand with my friends. Watch him wrap his arm around Vanessa’s shoulder and pull her to him. If anything it twists my insides to the point of pain one that I haven’t experienced in a long time. It was easier to not miss her when she lived on the other side of the country. When states and mountain ranges separated us. This however is like someone stabbing me in the back repeatedly and rubbing salt in the wound.
“How did you know where I was?” Vanessa’s voice breaks me out of my train of thought. Kyle is over in the corner of my eye handing the asshole a beer and I want to tell him to go away.
“I called your mom when I landed told her I was surprising you. She said you were at the lake with some friends.” Brian says his eyes meet mine with a glare and inside I want to give him the smuggest smile I can.
I can’t help but notice the way he says friends like it is some condescending thing or the way he said it right as he looks at me. I catch two things from this he hates that I’m even remotely around and second she doesn’t tell him everything. If she did she wouldn’t be avoiding looking at me and him at the same time. I’m not sure if it is from guilt or the fact that she clearly wasn’t expecting him. She was locked up in my lips and arms a little bit ago.