Chapter Three, In Which Tain Bb Meets The Guide And Gets To Know Hello?
‘What was that?’ thought Tain Bb and opened his eyes. A secret artist had drawn new and completely different decorations for this scene. Instead of the floor there was earth, instead of the ceiling – sky. Flashes of sunlight jumped happily through the living foliage and forced him to screw up first one then the other eye. It smelt like herbal toothpaste and ‘Daisy’ shampoo. The voices of birds and the clicking of insects could be heard as well as from the best seats in the cinema. ‘Is it a forest,’ thought Tain, and tried to move his arms then legs. His arms and legs moved. He was lying in the shadow of an enormous oak, and from a branch a ginger squirrel was watching him with interest. ‘Definitely a forest,’ Tain assured himself, sat up, and looked all around.
The edge of the forest was delicately clustered with fir trees or pines or poplars. They waved their tree tops in a friendly fashion as if to let Tain know, ‘Everything is fine, fellow, you’re in the right place, don’t be afraid.’ This idea was also strengthened by the murmur of an invisible stream, and yellow dandelions, and green grass, and a path that made you want to walk barefoot all your life. ‘Cuckoo! Cuckoo!’ a familiar song began somewhere nearby. Tain couldn’t ask the author what the words were so he decided to devise his own:
‘I’m lying by the willow tree,
I hear miaowing doggies,
And on the branch above me,
Are sunbathing two froggies.’
‘Not bad at all,’ Tain dispensed with all modesty. But on the other hand if the frogs are sunbathing, let them go for a dip first. Then it would be:
‘I’m lying by the willow tree’
I hear miaowing doggies,
And on the branch above me,
Having first been for a swim are sunbathing two froggies.’
‘No, there’s something not very smooth about it,’ Tain didn’t like it this time and, in any case, thought of an extra third version:
‘I’m lying by the willow tree,
I hear miaowing bunnies,
And on the branch above me,
Are happy smiling grannies.’
‘Or would it be better with ‘divorced unhappy grannies’?’ Tain imagined two grandfathers with sticks, sadly sitting on a bench, and decided to leave the grannies happy and smiling.
On a scale of one to five his mood was approaching a definite six. A dragonfly greeted Tain, nearly settled on his shoulder, but, changing its mind, hung nearby like a shining little stick. Then it had a complete change of heart about making contact, slipped away upwards and disappeared into the warm fragrant air. A strange thing. Tain walked along the path, without any doubt about having chosen the right direction, although he had no idea where it led or where he needed to go at all. But, undoubtedly, something was guiding him. He knew it as sure as his name was Tain Bb, and not Macca Pacca or, let’s say, Iggle Piggle.
A couple of hours flew by unnoticed. Tain found a thin stick and smashed toadstools with satisfaction along the way, scaring the curious mosquitoes that were flying after him in a jolly flock. The path turned sharply between the trees, then somehow widened unnoticeably and turned into a real forest road. Everything was wonderful until Tain decided to move off the side of the road.
No sooner had he set off to see if there was anything interesting under an enormous burdock leaf than a pine cone cracked him on the head and fell nearby. ‘A squirrel’s throwing cones!’ guessed Tain, and started to laugh, for some reason completely unsurprised by this wondrous fact. However precisely half of his laughter stuck in his throat when from somewhere above a wheezy voice said provocatively: ‘Hey, you!’ One hundred and two goose-bumps started from his very heels and, having completed a universal trip around Tain’s entire body in a fraction of a second, finished in the region of the back of his head.
Having little experience in matters of war and peace, Tain never the less decided to take the truest course of action. He straightened his shoulders, put his hands in his pockets, and, whistling something, unhurriedly set off back to the road. His entire look said: ‘I didn’t hear anything, and if I heard then it’s got nothing to do with me.’
Of course he was right: it doesn’t do to take the statement, ‘Hey, you!’ as grounds for pleasant acquaintance, especially when you find yourself alone in an unfamiliar place. But the plan didn’t work. A yet more stern and threatening ‘Hey, you!’ forced him to stop.
‘Look here…’ Tain was indignant, looking around helplessly.
‘Oh, come on!’ the voice wheezed in an unexpected friendly way, and spat invisibly.
‘I saw one of your umbrellas here recently. Bewitching…can you make me one?’ he asked ingratiatingly and, without waiting for a reply, began to laugh wheezingly. ‘Only joking…I’ve nothing to take it with – no hands,’ he explained, yawning.
‘Aha!’ rejoiced Tain. ‘I can’t see you unfortunately but I see that you know me. Who are you?’
‘Look here,’ mimicked the Voice and started to shake as if from fear (it was obvious he was holding back laughter).
Tain snorted. Unable to hold it any longer the Voice let the laughter out. The sound of thunderous laughter shook the air for several minutes. Having finished laughing and cleared his throat, the Voice pronounced instructively:
‘You’re right. I really do know you. You are Tain Bb. You are making your way into the Light Forest and you have a stro-o-o-ong desire to see someone there.’
‘Yes, that’s right,’ Tain thoughtfully pronounced. ‘But how do you know this?’
‘The Trumpeter-at-Dawn told me that you would appear today.’
‘The Trumpeter at which dawn?’ Tain didn’t understand. ‘Did he pass by?’
‘No, son,’ laughed the Voice. ‘He doesn’t go anywhere and I’m always on the move.’
‘But who are you? And why can’t I see you?’
‘I…’ the Voice pronounced importantly and significantly. ‘I am the Guide. And you can’t see me because I’m invisible.’
Tain was surprised. He didn’t understand what use the invisible guide was.
‘Ok, fine,’ the Voice laughed again, as if reading his thoughts. ‘Where do you think you are going now? Where do you need to get to? Or don’t you know?’
‘Honestly,’ Tain admitted, ‘I don’t know the way. But somehow it seems to me that I’m heading in the right direction.’
‘That’s it!’ the Voice drawled instructively. ‘You just feel that something is directing you. And this something isn’t ‘something’ at all, but ‘someone’. It’s me. And if you mistakenly take a wrong turn. I’ll let you know. For example, I’ll throw a fir cone at you. Do you understand?’
‘Ahuh!’ Tain agreed. ‘That’s what I’ve been thinking about: I’m kind of going somewhere, without any idea where, but I’m not worried at all.’
‘That’s it!’ the Guide said patronisingly, and added merrily, ‘Well go on, darling, don’t cough. Bye bye, ta ta, till next time!’
Making the sound of shuffling steps with invisible lips the Guide slowly departed.
Tain Bb managed to get to the road and cheerfully moved in the previous direction, resolving not to be surprised by anything. The indistinct image of the Head Feathermuncher, gobbling feathers with mayonnaise and ketchup, stood before him, demanding attention. Tain shook his head and a vision of smoking pancakes with cabbage readily sprang up in his imagination. ‘In the forest there’s plenty of food, I won’t starve,’ he decided.
It has to be said that every summer Tain visited his grandmother in the country. They went to the forest together, and so Tain knew his mushrooms and berries well. Thus he knew, for example, that berries sometimes grew in bushes, sometimes on trees, but mushroom only ever grew in the soil.
By this time the sun had begun to set and Tain began to worry a little. He wanted to find a place to sleep before nightfall.
A strange, non-forest-like noise arose from nowhere and seemed to approach quickly. At first Tain
tried not to notice it, then waved it away like a fly. But his hearing, in union with his brain, helpfully drew conclusions. And Tain, already having ceased to doubt the natural origin of this noise, was struck by a painfully familiar ringing that seemed so inappropriate here. A bicycle bell! In a strange place, in a strange time! Where was it from?
‘Hey, you!’ shouted someone from behind his back. ‘Off the road!’
‘There it is again: ‘Hey, you!’’ bristled Tain Bb. ‘What manners they have here! I’m not going anywhere! There’s enough space to get a tank through!’
At precisely that moment for a completely unknown reason Tain Bb suddenly grew a long fluffy tail, making Certain Rabbit look an enormous squirrel. A beautiful tail, it has to be said! But it would have been better had it appeared a second later, because, passing by at high speed, the bicycle pushed him without pity into the soft clay, after which the tail disappeared, screwing back into its owner’s body.
‘That’ll do you no good!’ Conscious of his offended honour, Tain Bb bared his teeth. Losing all control of himself, with enormous kangaroo-like jumps, Tain caught up with the offender. Evidently some ancient instinct had awoken in him, because Tain surprised himself by seizing the back wheel with his teeth and biting a hole in the tire. It hissed, the bike turned and, together with its rider, tumbled into the bushes.
‘Got you!’ the excited avenger cried with malicious glee, thrusting out his chin aggressively.
‘Hey, you! Yes, ‘Hey, You!’ Come out here, hey, you!’
The bushes rustled and from out of them a girl appeared, grimacing in pain. Moaning she sank to the ground, rubbing her injured knee, and looked Tain over with contempt from top to bottom.
‘What’s wrong with you? Are you mad? Have you escaped from a mental institution?’ she shouted angrily and made circles around her ear with her finger.
‘How could you grab the wheel! With your teeth no less…that’s just not normal!
Tain was silent. He was very embarrassed. Partly because of his action, but there was also another reason. He had always liked girls like this one, with a strong independent character. For some reason he was always interested and at ease with them. And now Tain, looking approvingly at her green dress with big black spots and ginger fringe that stuck out from beneath an idiotic cowboy hat, tried to think of an appropriate apology.
‘Certain Rabbit,’ he shyly introduced himself, unable to think of anything. And added, helping the girl to her feet, ‘My friends call me Tain Bb.’
‘Hello?’ without looking at him, the girl pronounced haughtily, tossing her ginger fringe.
‘Is she on the phone?’ Tain was surprised. But, not noticing any kind of supplementary devices, he decided to introduce himself again.
‘Tain Bb,’ he blurted cheerfully and, so as to leave no room for doubt, tapped himself on the chest.
‘Hello?’ the girl replied sarcastically. ‘That’s my name, and my friends…call me Hello?’
Her face lit up with such a warm and open smile that Tain, like a good robot, did four things in an instant:
First – he retrieved the bike from the bushes.
Second – he removed the wheel and glued the tire.
Third – he pumped up and replaced the wheel.
Fourth – he slid the bike back to its owner.
‘Fine,’ she said laughingly. ‘I can see you’ve completed the course ‘Instant Universal Repairs’. What did you say your name was? Tain Bb? It’s a lovely name, reminds me of birdsong.
Tain blushed. He liked this girl more and more. Especially her eyes, mocking but at the same time a little sad.
‘However, this isn’t a theme park,’ the thought ran through his head. ‘I wonder what she’s doing here?’
‘Forgive me for asking,’ he began timidly, ‘You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. Why are you here at all?’
‘How can I explain…it’s a long story,’ she shrugged her shoulders vaguely. ‘Listen, it’s going to be completely dark soon. Have you thought about that?’
‘I’ve thought about it,’ Tain nodded. ‘You see over there? There by the water next to the fallen tree…we’ll make a fire…cook something. If of course you’re comfortable with that, he added delicately as the thought suddenly occurred to him.
‘Why not?’ agreed Hello?
And, pushing their metal friend in front of them, they descended to a small forest lake.
Adventures of Tain Bb, Hello? And Dumb Page 3