“Why do you do that?” she asks.
“Because you’re funny.”
“No, not laugh. Why do you act like you’re sleeping when you aren’t?”
“I was sleeping.” Not just now, but I was sleeping last night, I think to myself to justify my lie to Leah.
“Stop it, you’re a terrible liar.”
I watch with a smile as my wife struggles to get out of bed. Our baby is growing and it is making it difficult for Leah to maneuver around. “Don’t smile, you’re carrying the next one,” she says as she walks to the restroom. I cringe at just the thought. I get out of bed and lay Leah’s robe on the bench for her. I pick up Jack, Jamie’s stuffed animal and take him to the kitchen with me.
I start breakfast and make Leah some hot tea. She walks into the room wearing her robe I laid out for her.
“What are you doing with Jack?”
I look at her and then the dingy stuffed rabbit.
“I think he needs a bath. He looks dirty,” I say.
“I noticed that the other day. Maybe I can handwash him, I’m not sure he’ll survive a wash in the washing machine.”
“That’s a good idea. Let’s not take a chance on it.”
After breakfast, Leah takes a bath. I go downstairs and work out. I’m not sure how I can keep up the positive attitude. This waiting game is killing me.
As soon as I think Leah is done, I shower and go upstairs. I find Jack is washed and is sitting on the kitchen counter, drying, I walk upstairs and I’m not surprised when I find her in Jamie’s room. The ballerina music box is playing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Leah is holding it and singing softly to the music. She is wearing a white robe and her hair is up in a white towel. I cross my arms and lean into the doorframe and watch. Leah wipes her tears and continues to sing. I wish there were something I could say or do, but there isn’t. I wish I could take away her pain, but I can’t. I just pray that God protects Leah and watches over her for the both of us. It’s completely out of my hands.
Leah
When the song is finished, I close up the music box and set it back on Jamie’s dresser. Robert is dressed and leaning into the door frame of Jamie’s room. I wipe my tears and say, “I’m trying to hold it together, I really am.”
He smiles sadly and walks slowly to me. “I know you are.” Robert holds me tightly and I melt into him.
“I feel like I’m losing it. I feel like I just want to lie down and…”
“Leah, no! Don’t say it. God, please don’t say it.”
I don’t. Robert doesn’t need to hear my dark thoughts. He removes the towel from my head and kisses my head. “God, I love you. I love you so much. Leah, I can’t live without you. I never want to live without you.” He holds me close and I can feel his own fears.
I wrap my arms around him and let him hold me. I fight the black cloud that hovers and I fight to be strong for Robert.
I force myself to do my hair and my makeup. I want to go back to bed and sleep. Sleep until this nightmare passes, but I don’t. Robert keeps his phone close by just in case, our attorney, Bruce calls. How long will it take for the hospital to contact him? The baby moves a lot today and I wonder if he’s not upset. I try to calm myself and think positive thoughts.
“Do you want to go for a car ride?” Robert asks. When I was a child, my parents and I always went on car rides. It’s when you get in the car and drive to no set destination. You just ride until you’re done. Once, as an adult, we drove to the Amish country, went to an auction and then went out of state to a casino. It is one of my fondest memories.
“We can stop by and get some lunch at Yoder’s fresh market, stop at some unknown place and have lunch,” Robert says.
I smile. “You don’t like car rides.”
“I don’t, but you do. Maybe we can carve our initials into a tree.”
I’m not sure if he’s serious or if he’s making fun of me.
“Really?”
“Yep,” he smiles. “Get your Vans on and get a blanket for us to sit on, and I’ll get a small cooler of snack and drinks.”
I do as he says and put on my comfortable Vans brand tennis shoes and get a blanket from the closet. I change into a pair of white capris and a light pink sweater. When I get to the kitchen, Robert is putting ice into a biggie to chill our drinks.
“You’re serious about his?” I ask because I know Robert doesn’t like car rides.
“I am. This will be relaxing,” he says, putting the last of the drinks into the cooler and closing it. “Are you ready, Sweets?”
“I am. After you, Ace.”
Of course, Robert doesn’t go first. He holds the door open for me and walks behind me. We stop by the Fresh Market and get some soup, salads, deli sandwiches, and even some chocolate-covered strawberries for dessert.
“We won’t eat all that. You know that, right?”
“Maybe not, but I want to make sure we have enough food,” he says as we walk around the store. He stops and picks up some pink roses and places them carefully in the cart, too.
“Flowers for Jamie? We just took her flowers,” I remind him.
“We did, that’s why these are for my wife.”
I can only smile at Robert. I can’t remember the last time I got flowers from him.
“They are?”
Robert says, “I don’t do enough for you. I realized that this week.” He hugs me and says, “Leah, you’re my rock and I don’t know what I would do without you. I vow to show you more often how much I love you.”
I cry because I can’t do anything else. He shows me every day how much he loves me. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think he loves me, or Jamie, or our unborn baby.
“I love you,” I say.
Robert leans down and kisses me.
We drive out to the country and have lunch under a big mossy tree. It’s a hot day with a breeze blowing through the tree.
“Have you been thinking about the news we received today?”
I admit, “I can’t think of anything else.” I pick at a blade of glass and look at Robert. “I really wanted Jamie to be our biological child.”
“Me, too. I’ve been thinking about our biological daughter.” He takes a drink of his water. “I wonder if she looks like you, what she acts like, what her voice sounds like.”
“I know. I wonder if I would know her if I saw her. She’s our daughter, you would think that we would be able to recognize her right away.”
Robert says, “I hope she looks like you.”
Robert
Leah looks beautiful sitting in the shade under the tree. I think she blushed when I said I hope our daughter looks like her. “She’ll be five.” I blurt out.
“Is that kindergarten age?”
“I think it is.”
“We’ll have a five-year-old and a newborn in the same year.”
I still can’t get over that we have a five-year-old, that our daughter is alive. I hope she’s alive. I guess I’m assuming she’s hasn’t passed. What will the other family think when they find out their daughter died? Will they grieve for her as we did? Will they love her even though they don’t know her? I love Jamie and I love my unknown daughter. I also love my unborn baby. You don’t need to know them to love them. They will be just as in love with Jamie as we are. They will mourn her loss just as we did and still do.
“Why do you look so sad?” Leah asks.
“Just thinking.”
“About Jamie?”
“Yes, and how sad it will be for the other parents when they learn she’s gone.” I can’t say her biological parents.
“We should make copies of photos, pictures, and relevant documents for them.”
“That’s probably a good idea. I don’t want to part with the originals. In my heart, she’s still ours.”
“I know; I feel the same way.”
We clean up and drive back home. We are both quiet and I know we are thinking of the baby swap mess. Although I don�
�t want to, my mind thinks about how I would feel if I learned our daughter has passed. Imagine learning your child was switched at birth, and then killed before you had a chance to meet her. My heart breaks at the thought. I pray this isn’t the case and I also pray that the other family will understand how much we loved Jamie and how devastated we still are from her passing.
“Do you want to stop for some ice cream before we go home?” I ask.
“I would love to, thank you.”
Later that night, Leah and I discuss making copies of some of Jamie’s pictures. We decide maybe tomorrow will be better. To make copies of Jamie’s baby pictures somehow make finalizes that Jamie isn’t our child and that she never was. Leah cries and it kills me. I hate when she cries and when she is sad. All I want to do is make her happy and it makes me feel like a failure to not be able to do that for her. As much as I want to fix this, there is no possible way I can. I can make it so it won’t happen to us again.
“Do we have permanent markers?” I ask.
“In the desk drawer,” Leah yells from the kitchen. I walk to the desk drawer and open a new pack of markers. “What are you going to do with that?” Leah asks.
I open up the pack and mark an X in the palm of my right hand. I blow on it for a second and try to wipe it off. When it dries quickly and doesn’t smudge, I smile. I show Leah my right hand and say, “It’s for the baby.”
She tries not to laugh but fails miserably. “On both palms and both feet.”
“Okay, sounds good.” I smile still trying hard to wipe the marker off.
“No foreheads, cheeks, or face.”
“Palms and feet,” I repeat so she knows I understand.
“Good.”
“Keep this in your purse, or in the hospital overnight bag. I don’t want to forget it.”
Leah takes it from me and places it in her purse. “Keep it in here, I don’t want it to get lost with the baby things.”
Leah and I go to bed and read from Jamie’s story book. She complains of a backache and I wonder is it’s from sitting on the hard ground today.
The next day, I get up early and get a workout in before Leah wakes up. I have a lot going on, but I refuse to slack when it comes to my exercise or the fight with Kennedy. I plan to walk into the ring and walk out a winner. All of this stress with Jamie is helping in my workout. I focus on Kennedy and beat the bag tirelessly.
When I am showered and dressed, I find Leah sitting at the kitchen table dressed for the day.
“Going somewhere?” I ask.
“I need to go to work.”
“I thought Dove and Bethany were going to work for you this week?” I walk over and pour myself a cup of coffee.
“They are. But I need to go in and balance the books and do the deposits. I haven’t been there for a few days.” She takes a deep breath and adds, “I need to get back to doing something normal. I can’t hide from the truth any longer. Sooner or later people hear or read about this. I can’t hide forever.”
“I thought you could hide until after the baby was born,” I say sincerely.
“Robert, no. I can’t. I know you want to protect me, but you can’t protect me from everything.”
I watch as Leah walks over and gets her purse and keys from the counter. The hell if I can’t. I’ll at least give it a try. I follow her to the door and she stands on her tiptoes to kiss me goodbye. “I won’t be long,” she says. I follow behind her and hold open my car door. “I’ll take you.”
“Robert?”
“I have to go to Crowder Brothers Hardware for some things anyway.”
“Robert?” she stands there with her small hands on her hips, trying to look all badass.
“Leah, get in. It’s just a ride.” I motion with my hand for her to get into the Hummer. It’s not just a ride, it’s my way for me to watch over you and protect her. I’m happy when she finally agrees to get in. I’m even happier when she takes my hand and lets me help her into the vehicle.
We drive through the neighborhood and as we near the gates, we see several news crews, newspaper reporters, and cameramen on the other side of the gate.
“Well, maybe we can hide for one more day,” I say.
Leah
Robert looks over at me and drives past the gate through our neighborhood.
“I’m afraid this is just the beginning,” I say, sadly.
“I’ll call Mom and Dad, and we can use their car until this blows over.”
I know he is trying to help.
I say, “They probably already did their research and knows what cars our parents drive. They’ll be stalking them next. We at least live in a gated community, so we have some privacy.”
Robert gets on his cell phone and calls Gus. He tells him the news crews are camping outside the gate. He says we need a rental car with dark tinted windows. We drive around the neighborhood and he calls both of our parents. He tells them to be careful and if they start getting harassed to call the police.
Since we have nothing else to do, Robert hooks up the photocopier and we begin to make prints of Jamie’s photo. I try to not copy pictures of us with Jamie, but it’s difficult to find any of just Jamie.
Gus and Dove pull up and they are both driving identical black Jeeps with almost black tinted windows. I laugh and say, “These almost look gangsta.”
Everyone laughs and I say, “Why do we need two of these?”
Dove says, “One is ours and one is yours.”
“I don’t understand why we need two identical Jeeps,” I say in confusion.
Robert says, “They got themselves one so we can confuse the news crews of we need to. If they suspect that you and I got this and we all four leave at the same time, they won’t know what vehicle we’re in.”
“Oh, good thinking,” I say.
“I’d like to take the credit, but the credit goes to Dove. She’s the mastermind behind everything.” Gus smiles proudly.
“I knew that.” I walk over and hug her before I walk over and hug Gus. “Thank you for doing this. I hope you guys know how much we appreciate it.”
“We do and you’re very welcome. Maybe this will help for a while,” Dove says. “Now you won’t be confined home for a few days. They’re snakes — it won’t take them long to know this is your car?” she says sadly.
“Well, for today this is good.” I try to sound upbeat for Dove and for everyone.
Robert asks, “Do you want to go to the shop?”
“I would love to. I’ve missed that place — the smell and the feel of it.”
Dove smiles and says, “It’s very relaxing there, and Jo’s cinnamon buns… I think I gained five pounds just working there this week. If you ever need me to fill in again, let me know.” She looks at her watch and says. “Speaking of which, I need to get back to work. Break times over.”
“You and Dove drive the Jeep over and Gus and I will take the Hummer,” Robert says as he holds opened the Jeep’s door. I look at him in confusion. “I just wanna see who they’ll follow.”
“Okay, be careful, Ace.”
“We’ll be there shortly.”
Dove and I didn’t get followed on the way to the shop in the Jeep, but Robert said he and Gus did.
Robert smiles and says, “They thought they could keep up with is.”
“They almost did,” Gus says.
“Nah, they didn’t stand a chance.”
“How did you lose them?” I ask.
Gus looks to Robert and Robert looks to Gus, but neither of them says anything. “You outran them?”
Gus laughs and says, “He was driving.”
Gus, Robert, Dove, and Bethany all hang out at the shop while I do the books and deposit. I am thrilled to see the increase in sales. I call Brooke to let her know I mailed out another check for her and to let her know we once again need more books. She tells me she hired Christina, the owner and operator of CBB Productions. I’m not surprised, she needed an assistant. I’ve been monitoring her books sales an
d ratings on the online selling platforms. It’s just a matter of time before a publishing company picks her up.
Robert helps me with the ordering and we all help with the cleanup. Robert surprisingly resisted Jo’s cinnamon buns. I’m happy to see that he is taking this fight with Kennedy seriously. I know he wants the championship, but I also can’t help but feel there is a personal vendetta I don’t know about.
Later the night Robert reminds me that we have a doctor’s appointment in the morning. With all the things that’s been going on, I totally forgot about it. When we go to bed, I pray extra hard for thanks for our many blessings and for things to work out for both families involved in the baby swap. Robert reads from Jamie’s baby book and I fall asleep on his chest in the middle of it.
Our appointment went well and the baby is growing as it should. They did another ultra sound and we still declined to know the gender. I think I would like to know, but Robert is right, the sex of the baby isn’t important. On Friday, we still haven’t heard anything from the attorney. Robert calls Bruce and Bruce says he hasn’t heard anything. I get a call from Emma asking if I would mind if she came over Saturday. I am excited to see her and excited to have someone over. It’s been a long time. Robert and I used to entertain a lot when Jamie was alive, but since her death, we mostly just stay to ourselves.
On Saturday I am shocked to see a large pickup truck pull into the driveway. I am even more surprised to see Angel, Sara, Brea, Emma, and Molly get out of it. I’m wearing a summer dress and heels and they are all wearing old jeans and t-shirts. I smile and hug each of them. Robert stands in the doorway smiling with his arms crossed over his large chest. He’s wearing his signature t-shirt, jeans and boots. Even in the summertime, he wears boots. Sometimes I wonder if he wasn’t meant to be a country boy. Rugged and masculine — that’s my Robert.
“What are you guys up to?” I ask.
“We miss you,” Angel says, hugging me back.
“I miss you guys, too. Where are the kids?” I look at Emma, Angel, and Molly.
“With their dads,” they say in unison.
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