by Natalie Ward
I smile at her, but I know she doesn’t buy it. “I can’t, Ash, I just can’t,” I whisper, glancing away so I’m the one staring at the guitar picks in our window now.
“Luke,” she says, her hand on my cheek and forcing my attention back on her. “Tell me why?”
I take a deep breath. “Because I don’t want to be apart from you, Ash. I can’t spend months in L.A. apart from you.” And I can’t. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her, not even for one night, not after what happened a week ago.
Ash smiles back at me now and I don’t understand. I watch as she leans in and presses a kiss to my jaw, before pulling back. “I was planning on coming with you, Luke,” she says, smiling at me. “I thought you’d know that?” she adds, an eyebrow raised as if she can’t believe I’d think differently.
And with her words I can’t help but wrap my arms around her and pull her onto my lap, relieved that not only can I do this, but that I don’t have to go back to that city without her. I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about going back to L.A. at all, but at least now I know I will have Asha with me, and that alone makes it seem better. “I really hoped you would, because I really want you to,” I whisper, my mouth at her ear. “I don’t want to do this without you, I can’t do this without you.”
Ash pulls back a little, her fingers on my cheek again, tracing the other reason I know she understands is part of why I don’t really want to go back there. “You won’t, Luke,” she whispers. “We’ll do it together, okay? All of it we’ll do together.”
I lean in so my forehead rests against hers, as I promise her, “Always.”
“Want me to help you?” Ash asks, standing on the other side of the kitchen counter as I check out what’s in the fridge. Everyone’s coming over tonight for the celebration that Ash insisted we have. It’s actually a cool idea, and even though at times it’s hard to see what’s worth celebrating given what happened, I have to remember that she made it, she survived. And that is definitely worth a celebration.
“Luke,” she says and I can’t help but laugh as I walk around to her. “What?” she says, hands on her hips.
“Ash, beautiful. I love you more than anything,” I say, stopping in front of her. “But your cooking…I’m really not sure how much help you’re gonna be in there,” I say, laughing at the look on her face. It’s kinda true, she can’t really cook, even if it is adorable watching her try. The few times she did it for Jared and me, both before and after she moved in here, were hilarious and always ended with me in the kitchen rescuing a pot that was boiling over or something that was on the verge of catching on fire. But I loved that she kept on trying, and I will always be here to rescue whatever meal she’s in the process of destroying.
“Hey,” she says, stepping closer as she slides her arms around my waist. “I can help.”
I wrap my arms around her shoulders as I look down at her smiling face. I remember the very first time I tried to teach her how to cook, fucking hell that was hot. “Well,” I whisper, leaning down so my mouth is at her ear. “We could always make tiramisu for dessert.”
I hear Ash groan as her hands go to my chest now, pushing me backwards into the kitchen as she kisses me hard on the lips. I’d love for this to go further and on any other occasion it would. But not tonight, because she is still in pain and as I hear her wince, I pull back.
“Please be careful, Ash,” I beg, kissing her softer this time. “You’ve only been home three days.”
“I know,” she says, her hand smoothing down my cheek. “Come on, let me help, I’ll behave, I promise.”
By the time we are sliding the lasagna into the oven, Jared and Mia are walking out of their bedroom, and Pete and Steve are at the front door. Ten minutes later, Ben and Sarah show up, hand in hand and Ash and I share a smile, both of us wondering how serious this might be.
It feels good to have the eight of us together again; it hasn’t really happened since the night we played the club. I walk out of the kitchen, watching Ash, who is sitting at the table, laughing and talking with Mia and Sarah. I can’t help but notice how good she’s doing, really good actually. She’s almost like a different person. Maybe she’d been getting there anyway, after she finally confessed her fears and secrets to me, but it’s like that night has changed her, and in such a good way.
Now, she’s more alive than ever and I love it.
“So we found your guitar,” Jared says, as he hands me a beer. “Someone actually handed it in to the club.”
I can tell from the look on his face that it’s not good. But honestly, after what I’ve just gone through in the last week, I couldn’t care less about my guitar. The two of us join everyone else around the table. I take a seat beside Ash, taking her plate as I start to pile a heap of food on it for her.
“I don’t really want it back,” I tell him, knowing I could never play that guitar ever again.
“What?” Ash asks. “Your guitar?” I nod at her. “Is it okay?” she asks me now.
“It doesn’t matter, I don’t care about the guitar,” I say, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I only care about getting you better, alright?”
She looks up at me. “Yeah but it’s your acoustic one,” she says, taking her plate. “Thank you.”
“It’s okay, Ash, really. Don’t worry about it.”
She frowns at me, turning back to Jared. “Is it?”
He scrapes his hand across his mouth, glancing at me quickly, before turning back to Ash. “No, not really. I’ll get Damien’s guy to have a look at it, but honestly, I don’t think it’s salvageable.” Jared glances back at me now. “It doesn’t look good.”
I hear Ash exhale loudly beside me. “It’s okay, I’ll sort it later. Right now there are more important things to worry about. Don’t worry about it, Ash, please.”
She looks up at me again. “I’m just pissed the night got so ruined for you, Luke.”
I close my eyes as I press my lips to her hair. “Please don’t be, Asha,” I whisper in her ear. “This wasn’t your fault, beautiful girl. It wasn’t your fault. You came back to me, and that is the only thing in the world I care about. The guitar is nothing, but you, you are everything.”
I feel her hand against my cheek and I keep my eyes shut for a second while I try to bury all the shit I’m still feeling. I just need to be okay for her. Suddenly she sits up, a small gasp as she is reminded of the pain. “So what about the record people, any more news?” I smooth my hand down her hair, trying to get her to relax and take it easy, but she doesn’t seem to notice.
Now Ben smiles. “Yeah, I got a text this morning saying they want to speak with us again before they fly back. Sort some dates to head out to L.A. and make this all happen. We need to set something up with them.”
Ash turns and looks up at me, a huge smile lighting up her face. I smile back at her, but in the back of my mind, I’m still thinking about that night and everything that happened. I still can’t stop thinking about it all, and of course it doesn’t help that I was reminded of it in vivid fucking detail again last night, and the night before, and the night before that.
And I know tonight, it will happen again. Another nightmare that will wake me up, but only after it’s forced me to live through some other sick version of the night I nearly lost her. I’ve barely slept more than two hours a night since we got home from the hospital, which means I haven’t slept more than two hours a night since all this happened.
I’ve been drinking coffee and coke and anything else I can think of, just to get me through the day. When night falls though, I’m suddenly more awake than ever, too afraid of falling asleep because of what I know I’m going to see. I’m going to lose my fucking mind soon if I don’t stop these nightmares, but I have no clue how to do that.
And there’s not a chance in hell I’m telling Ash about them, I’m lucky she hasn’t caught me already. I’m just hoping that tonight, after the beers I’ve had, after watching her with everyone else, seeing her so happy
and alive again, that it’s enough to stop them.
Because I really need to make them stop.
Track 9 (A side) – Nightmares
The darkness, it’s pulling me under
I try to crawl out, but can only surrender
No light to see, can barely even breathe
Brings me to my knees in defeat
∞
I wake up with a start, my body covered in sweat and the beginnings of a scream about to erupt from my throat. Luckily I catch myself in time, although my heart is racing in my chest right now and my breathing sounds really loud compared to the silence of the night.
The room is mostly dark, even though the blinds are half open, and I can see the snow that is now falling. Everything is quiet except for the sound of my breathing. That and what sounds like a fucking drum inside my chest.
I turn and take in Ash beside me. She’s curled into my side and I can’t believe I haven’t woken her up. But her breathing tells me she’s still asleep and I’m grateful. She still hasn’t caught me yet and the last thing I need is for her to know I get these nightmares every fucking night. She’s been home for just over a week now, and without fail, the nights I actually manage to fall asleep, the nightmares come back. I’ve tried everything I can to get rid of them. Not sleeping at all, but that only lasted a couple of days before sheer exhaustion caught up with me. I’ve tried drinking, but I don’t particularly want to get wasted every night and even though a few drinks will send me to sleep, the nightmare always returns. Nothing I do seems to help, and I’m getting desperate because I can’t keep going like this, not for her and not for me either.
I reach out and grab my glass of water, gulping down half as I try to get my racing heart to slow down. It’s always the same nightmare, every single night, ever since I brought her home. It’s as though now she is home and safe, my brain wants to remind me of everything I almost lost.
And the visions I have, fuck, it’s like I’m being reminded in high definition, only it’s stuck on repeat, every fucking night. The gun and being unable to stop her from moving in front of me, the explosion of noise and Ash collapsing in my arms. The whole fucking nightmare that came afterwards.
But, of course, in my version of events, as a nice little kick in the ass, the others aren’t ever there, and the ambulance never shows. The man with the gun doesn’t just smile, sometimes he actually fucking laughs at me before he slowly turns and walks away. And all that's left is me and Ash, alone in that alley, with her slowly bleeding to death in my arms. Nobody comes to help us and nobody comes to save her. And the worst thing I could ever possibly imagine, the one thing I don’t even want to say out loud, actually fucking happens. It’s horrific and the worst nightmare I’ve ever had to live through, and it’s now being repeated for me, every single fucking night, just to torture me all over again.
Tonight though, I got snow.
The ground was covered in it and the dark night was filled with thousands of tiny flakes falling all around us, covering everything in white. On any other occasion I would think it looks beautiful, a reminder of the first and only night I ever slept in Ash’s old apartment. But in my nightmare it’s different. It isn’t beautiful because all it does is magnify the blood that was draining from her body. The huge red patch that only got bigger and darker, the longer I stared at it. I couldn’t take my eyes off it, the blood that flowed out around us and stained everything. There wasn’t even snow that night. Why am I seeing snow now?
I run my hand over my face, try to scrub out the images before sliding back under the covers. I curl myself around Ash’s warm body, gently wrapping my arms around her. She stirs a little, burying her face in my chest like she always does, and I feel my heart stutter at the thought that I nearly lost all of this; that I could have lost her. I know a part of me was destroyed that night at what I had to see and everything I almost lost, but it would have killed me if she never came back.
I breathe in and out. Exhausted by all of this. Exhausted by never being able to sleep for more than a couple of hours, but more than that, exhausted at having to relive it over and over again.
“Luke, what’s wrong?” Ash whispers, her breath warm against my chest in the almost darkness. I jump at her words, surprised she’s awake.
“Nothing, beautiful, go back to sleep,” I say, running my hand through her hair again, softly trailing my fingers down her spine.
I feel her moving her head as she shuffles so we’re facing each other on the pillow. She’s sleepy, but her eyes are half open. “Bullshit,” she says quietly, but in a way that tells me she knows everything. “You had another nightmare, didn’t you?”
Fuck. “You know?” I ask, thinking she’d always slept through them all.
“I know,” she whispers, her hand reaching out to brush against my cheek. “You’ve had them every night since we got home, Luke. This isn’t good you know.”
I exhale, knowing she’s right. And of course she’d know about the nightmares, Asha knows me better than anyone. I’m guessing that her not saying anything at first, was just her way of letting me deal with it. I’m thinking that’s not going to be the case anymore, though.
“It’s okay, Ash, I promise. Go back to sleep, beautiful, you need to rest.” I gently press a kiss on her forehead, hoping she’ll give in and close her eyes. I know she still gets tired, even if she tries to say otherwise. I’m fucking exhausted, so I can’t imagine how she must feel. She’s been through much worse than I have.
“Luke, you can’t keep going on like this.” Nope, guess I’m not getting away with it this time. “Talk to me, please,” she begs me now. I don’t want to tell her what I see every night. She doesn’t need to hear it and I don’t need to give her those visuals. But she gets me when she leans in and kisses my lips and asks me again. “Please?”
I’m sure she knows I can never say no to her. I take a deep breath. “It’s that night, Ash. I just keep seeing that night.” I say quietly, hoping she’ll drop it.
“And?” she continues.
“And it breaks my heart having to watch it, having to see you go through it again and again,” I say, exhausted by the constant reliving of it. Going through it once was bad enough.
“But I came back, they brought me back and I’m here now. With you,” she says, lifting my hand and putting it against her heart as if to prove it.
I don’t know if it’s the exhaustion or the sheer frustration that catches me off guard, but the words are out before I can stop them. “Not in my version of events.”
“Oh…” she whispers, shifting so she’s pressing her whole body against me. I can’t stop myself from wrapping my arms around her, momentarily forgetting that she still has a wound and stitches as I bury my face in her neck and try desperately to stop this.
“Luke,” Ash whispers, her hand running over my hair, back and forth in slow rhythmic movements. “It’s okay. I’m okay, you’re okay.”
I press my lips to her neck as my heart starts to pound again, just like it was when I woke up. I know she’s okay now. I know that. She’s right here in my arms, warm, safe, and alive. But watching her do what she did, nearly losing her like I did, somehow I can’t deal with that; my body and my brain just won’t let me fucking forget it.
I feel Ash’s lips on my cheek, her hands as they force me to look at her. I know there are tears in my eyes, my blurred vision when I look at her tells me that. Ash gently wipes them away, her thumbs brushing across my cheeks as she softly kisses my lips.
“We have to fight this, Luke, you and me. You taught me that, remember? To fight, to choose, and to never give up. Fight this with me, Luke, please,” she says, her hands holding me in place so I can’t look away. “I need you to fight with me because I need you,” she whispers softly kissing my lips.
“I’m just so afraid I’m gonna lose you, Ash, so fucking afraid,” I finally manage to get out.
She smiles at me now as she says, “That’s never going to happen, I promise.
You are my reason, my reason for why that’s never happening. I know you think what I did that night was crazy, stupid even.” I try nodding my head as she holds it. “But,” she continues, her fingers tightening a little against my cheeks. “It’s something I had to do. I had to do it, Luke. And the only thing I regret about it, the only thing, is what it did to you, what it’s doing to you right now.”
“Asha,” I whisper, my eyes closing.
I feel her lips press against mine. “If I could take your nightmares away, Luke, I would. I would do it in a heartbeat,” she murmurs.
My eyes open, catching the serious look on her face. Her eyes are no longer sleepy; they’re boring into me as though she’s forcing these words inside my head.
“I would take all of it away for you, Luke, but I would never change what I did, because I did what I had to, to protect you, to not lose you. And I won’t lose you now, okay?” Her eyes are imploring me, begging me to listen to her. I want to, I want to believe everything she’s saying to me, but I can’t get the image of her covered in blood out of my fucking brain. Her broken body in the hospital as the doctors tried to slam the life back into her. Her back arching up off the table as a machine tried to do it as well. They are all seared into my brain and they are the only things I see every fucking time I close my eyes.
“Luke,” she says to me again, forcing me to really look at her. “You asked me to fight once, for me, for you, for us.” She’s staring at me unblinking and all I can do is nod at her words. “Well, now I’m asking you to fight too.”
“I will always fight for you, Asha,” I whisper pleadingly, wanting her to understand that’s not what this is about. “You know that.”
“No, I want you to fight for this,” she answers, smoothing her hand over my cheek and down my neck to my heart. “Fight for this,” she says, her hand flattening against my chest. “Fight like you asked me to fight.”