by Natalie Ward
I could fall any more in love with you
But with every single second that passes
I do
∞
“What do you feel like for dinner?” I ask as we walk back into our apartment. We got back to Boston earlier today, in time for Ash’s last doctor’s appointment. She has her stitches out now and everything apparently looks good. Aside from the missing spleen, there’s no permanent damage according to her surgeon. I’m not so sure the same can be said for me, though. Getting away to Jared’s parents’ house didn’t get rid of the nightmares.
“I don’t mind,” she says, following me into the kitchen. “Let’s just get a pizza.”
“You don’t want me to cook for you?” I ask, pulling her into my arms.
Ash smiles up at me. “No, I want you to rest,” she says, her arms wrapping around my waist.
“I’ve been resting for the last week and a half, Ash,” I say, knowing that apart from the crappy sleeping, we did nothing but sit around reading, watching TV, and laughing at Mia and Jared as they started up their Guitar Hero battle again. I never knew my sister was so good, but it was damn funny watching her kick Jared’s ass.
“I know,” she says, pressing up on her toes to kiss me. “So what’s one more night then?” she asks before she turns to grab the take-out menu.
And that’s when I realise what she really means. I might not have done much for the last few weeks, spending all of my time with Ash and making sure she was okay. But, she also knows I haven’t been sleeping on any of those nights either, even after we got away from here.
I might have got a couple more hours while we were at Jared’s parents’ place, but it was still only a few hours of nothing, until the horrors of that night once again played out in graphic detail. I’m still getting the variations; no dream ever seems to be the same as the one before. But they do all have one thing in common; they end with me losing her. A horrible nightmare that I can’t stop and worse still, render me completely powerless. Every night I wake up with a pounding heart, my body covered in sweat and if I’m really unlucky, a strangled cry which tends to wake her up too. And this is infinitely worse, because she needs her sleep and more than anything, I don’t need her to be experiencing all of this shit with me.
But she’s right, I’m exhausted from trying to fight it all, from trying to the stop what took place that night in my nightmares. Exhausted from trying to fix everything that happened to Ash, or from wondering if the police are ever going to catch the fucker who did this to her. But no matter how many times the scenario plays out in my sleep, I just can’t let it go. I can’t stop it from happening, I can’t take any of it back and I cannot stop reliving it. And it’s fucking killing me.
I don’t even want to go to sleep anymore.
“Luke, what do you feel like?” she asks, bringing me back to the here and now, where both of us are safe in our apartment.
I shake my head, trying to clear it. “Whatever you feel like, Asha, you pick, beautiful.” And I catch the look she gives me before she picks up the phone and places our order.
We eat our pizza on the couch in front of the TV, catching a re-run of the original Fast and Furious movie. I know she loves these, I remember smiling when I found the set in her movie collection way back before she moved in with me. She has this thing about certain movie series, and even though we own this movie, this is what she picks to watch tonight.
Halfway through the movie though, I’m no longer watching it and neither is she. Instead, I’m lying on the couch with Ash’s body half lying on mine as she kisses me, neither of us paying any attention to the TV.
We are home alone. Jared and Mia are still back in Connecticut, staying on for another week. My hand has found its way under her sweater and my fingers are pressed against her warm skin. Ash slides her hand under my t-shirt and over my stomach, sending a shiver all through me. I want to pull her sweater off so fucking badly right now. But I don’t. I’m so scared I’ll hurt her after everything that’s happened, and as much as I want her, I force myself to hold back.
Eventually it’s Ash who pulls back, her breathing harder as she looks down at me with a smile on her face that makes my stomach flip. “I’m gonna take a shower and go to bed,” she whispers, her voice achingly sexy. “Want to join me?”
I swallow hard, my voice disappearing now as I can only nod at her.
She lifts herself off me and I watch as she reaches over and switches off the TV before heading to our room. I know that if I jump in that shower with her, I’ve got absolutely no chance of keeping my hands off her. None.
But still, I get up and walk into our room. And when I hear the sound of the shower starting up, I don’t even think about it, I start to pull my clothes off. I have no idea how I’m going to control myself in there with her and when I open the door and see her standing under the water, her body arching as she rinses the shampoo from her hair, I’m absolutely positive I’m going to lose it.
I step in anyway and watch as Ash combs her fingers through her hair before turning to face me, wrapping her arms around my waist as she pulls me closer. I step under the water, which right now I wish was freezing fucking cold so I could at least try to calm myself down. It’s no good though, the second this girl’s hands are on my body, I’m helpless. In fact, the second she looks at me, I’m gone.
“Asha,” I moan as she steps even closer, pressing herself against me.
“What?” she whispers and I can feel her lips against my neck.
I close my eyes as my arms wrap around her shoulders, holding her tight. I want this woman so badly right now. “Take it easy, beautiful. Please…” I whisper, and even I can hear how completely unconvincing I sound.
“I’m okay, Luke,” she says, smiling against my neck, her fingers digging into my hips.
I want to believe her, I really do. I know her doctor said she was fine and she certainly seems like she is. And right now, my resistance is on the verge of completely caving. I’m just about to say fuck it and give in to what my body is screaming out for, when she pulls back. Glancing down, I see she’s smiling up at me, the soap in her hands now as she turns me around and starts washing my back. I actually groan out loud at how her hands feel against me, and I have to grip onto the shower door just to steady myself. I really need to get out of here before the last of my so-called resistance just completely disappears.
When she’s done washing my back, I turn and grab her cheeks with both hands and press my mouth hard against hers. I kiss her deeply, stepping closer so my body is pressed entirely against hers and showing her exactly how much I really do want her. If this is going to happen, which at this point, I’m certain it is, then it needs to not be in here. I need to get out of here and wait for her, wait to see if she really wants this.
“I’ll see you in bed,” I whisper against her lips, before turning and getting out of the shower.
By the time Ash comes out of the bathroom, I’m lying in bed, pretending to read, even though I wouldn’t have a clue what book is even in my hands. I have a million thoughts racing through my brain, all of which involve Ash and the things I want to do to her. As she walks towards me, my eyes are fixed on hers. She’s completely naked, which is nothing unusual, neither of us ever wears anything to bed. But it’s the way she’s looking at me as she walks over that really takes my breath away. She’s looking at me like she’s pissed I got out of the shower and just left her there. She’s looking at me like she’s completely frustrated and on edge.
And she’s looking at me like she’s got only one thing on her mind.
Sex.
I try smiling, my heart skipping in my chest as my mouth goes completely dry with lust for this woman. She gives me a tiny smile back and just when I didn’t think it was even possible, she looks at me in a way that turns me on even more than I thought possible.
We haven’t been together since the day she got shot, in that back room at the club, and I’ve missed her so bad it hurts. I
love her; really love her. Love every single thing about her, but she makes me want her like I’ve never wanted anything else in my life. But I’ve been so afraid of hurting her that I’ve waited. Waited until she is ready.
It looks like she’s ready now though, really ready.
We’re still staring at each other when she comes to a stop by the bed. She’s on my side, not hers, but she doesn’t get in. Just stands there, naked, gorgeous, and so unbelievably sexy, it hurts. My eyes drift down to her scar, which has a faded a little. The redness has gone, and although it still brings back painful memories, I can look at it now. Because now I’ve realised what her scar really means. It’s her saving my life. It’s her coming back to me. And it’s her finally starting to live again. And because of that, I think it’s beautiful, just like she is.
I look back up at her and she’s still standing there looking at me.
“You okay?” I ask, throwing my book onto the bedside table. I watch her bite her bottom lip, still with the tiny smile on her face and it makes my stomach flip, makes me want to drag her down to the bed and kiss her. Kiss her senseless. “Ash?”
She doesn’t say anything, just pulls back the covers and gets in on my side of the bed, straddling my naked, and still very turned on, hips. My heart starts to hammer in my chest at the same time my hands reach out and rest on her waist, holding her against me. I run my thumb lightly over the scar, never taking my eyes off her face. She’s looking at me with nothing but that sexy little grin on her lips and a fire in her eyes. I can’t look away. I cannot take my eyes off her.
“You sure?” I ask, my voice hoarse with want now.
She leans down to kiss me but just before her lips touch mine she whispers, “Oh yeah, Luke, I’m very sure.”
I feel my hands slide up her naked back, the lingering warmth of the shower still on her skin. Ash slides her hands over my chest and around my neck and I groan so loudly it’s almost embarrassing. “Asha…” I hear myself say. “You sure you’re okay?”
I feel her smile against my mouth before she says, “You know, you ask me that question a lot, Luke.”
“I do?”
“Yeah,” she whispers, “you do.”
“It’s only because I need to know,” I whisper, my mouth against hers. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Her hands hold my face as she looks into my eyes. “I’m okay, Luke, I’m actually a whole lot more than okay. At least I will be in a second.” She’s smiling now and that fire is still there. I groan again, because I just can’t stop it.
She slowly moves against me as she sits on my hips and I sit up, pulling us closer together. Our arms wrap around each other, our chests touching and we kiss now, like we haven’t kissed each other in forever. Her fingers are digging into my back, and I just want her closer. I slide us down the bed and pull her down so she lies on top of me. I’m kissing her like I can’t get enough of her and I know it’s because I can’t. It’s only been weeks, but it feels like years and all I want to do is be with her, be inside her… love her.
“Fuck, I want you so bad, Asha,” I hear myself saying, unable to control anything anymore.
“Luke,” she whispers, her lips still kissing mine.
“Yeah?”
“Show me.”
“Show you?”
“Show me how much you want me.” It’s like she’s reading my mind, like she knows exactly what I want, what I need. And it’s exactly the same thing she wants.
I groan again. “Asha, I want you more than anything. More than anything.”
She pulls back and looks me in the eye. “Show me.” Her voice is confident, sure, determined. So I listen.
I roll us over so she’s beneath me now. Running my hand all the way down her body and over her hip, I reach her thigh, the back of her knee, hitch it up so I can slide into her. She groans as she arches her body towards mine, her head pushing back against the pillow. I press soft kisses up the length of her neck, all the way to her jaw as she wraps her leg around me, holding me against her. I have to stop for a second so I don’t completely lose it. It’s almost like being with her for the very first time.
“Show me, Luke,” Ash begs, lifting her head, her lips touching mine. “I want you to show me.”
So I do. And even though I don’t want to hurt her, I can’t help it, I lose total control. But Ash doesn’t complain, if anything she pushes me harder, forces me to keep going. Her words and her response, her reactions to everything I do, destroying whatever tiny bit of resistance I was still hoping to hang on to.
I lose complete control with her, and both of us love it.
When I wake up it’s still dark. I’m not sure why I’ve just woken up though, what it was that pulled me from sleep. I turn and look at Ash, expecting her to be sleeping beside me, but instead she’s wide awake and smiling.
“Hey,” she says, reaching out and brushing her fingers over my cheek.
I smile back at her. “Can’t sleep?” I ask.
“Mmmm, just enjoying the view,” she says. “Looks like you’re finally sleeping though.” I stop for a second. Yeah, she’s right. No nightmare tonight. Whatever it was that woke me up just then, that wasn’t it. “No bad dream?” she asks, reading my mind.
“No,” I say, rolling onto my side, sliding my arm around her waist and pulling her closer. “No dreams at all tonight.”
She smiles bigger now as she says, “Maybe it’s ‘cause you got lucky, huh?”
I laugh, leaning in and kissing her. “Who knew getting laid was the secret.”
“Mmmm,” she says smiling. “Wanna try it again?”
“Fuck yes,” I say, rolling over and pushing her into the sheets as I smother her with my body. It’s only been a couple of hours, but right now it feels like an eternity since I’ve been inside this woman. I actually want her more than I’ve ever wanted her in my life, more than I ever thought possible.
“Yes?” she asks me, her lips pressing against mine.
“Yes, Asha, I most definitely want to try it again,” I tell her, knowing I’m not even close to making up on all the time we’ve not been together.
And when she kisses me hard, I know she’s thinking the exact same thing.
Track 13 (A side) – For You
Your every look and every smile / Your every kiss and every touch
If I could count up the moments / Every single one / It couldn’t compare
To the love that I feel, the love that I have
For every look¸ every smile, every kiss and every touch
But most of all, the love that I have
For you
∞
“Hey Mia, what’s up?” I say, answering my cell as I walk into the diner.
“Not much, what are you doing?” Mia asks through the phone.
I frown at her weird question as I look around the diner, checking to make sure Ash isn’t here already. I take a seat at a table in the corner. My view of the door is blocked by a couple of people, but all the other tables are full or reserved. I’ve never seen this place so busy. “Ah, just waiting for Ash actually.”
Mia laughs on the other end of the line and I’m about to ask her what’s going on when she continues, “She’s already there, Luke, I was your distraction, go to the booth by the window. Have a good night.” And then she hangs up on me.
I stand up from my seat and sure enough, there she is, looking right at me. I could’ve sworn she wasn’t there when I walked in. I walk over to where she’s sitting and slide in next to her, my arm wrapping around her shoulders as I pull her in for a kiss. “Were you here already?”
She smiles against my lips. “Yep.”
“What’s going on, Mia said she was my distraction?”
Ash is full on smiling at me now. “She was.”
“What’s going on, Ash?” I ask, smiling back at her.
“I’m re-creating something,” she says, leaning in to kiss me again. “Although it will be a little different this time around.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, confused. Ash told me around lunchtime that she had to go out and do some stuff, but wouldn’t say what. I wanted to go with her, but she said I wasn’t allowed to tag along. It was the longest we’ve spent apart since the night she got shot and it was a very strange experience.
“You don’t recognise this place?” she asks me, her smile bigger as she waves her hand around the diner.
“Um, sure, we’ve been here before,” I say, still confused. She’s laughing now as she leans in to kiss me again. I can’t help myself when I hold her against me a little longer. I’ve missed her these last few hours, a lot. Much more than I expected to.
“Do you remember around this time last year, Luke?”
I think back. It was before Ash and I were together, although not that far off. I do remember something, vaguely. And then suddenly, it hits me. Smiling I turn back to her, “The diner where the guys saw you, when I was on the phone with Mia?”
She’s smiling at me and her eyes are so alive it’s magic. “Exactly. The night of your birthday, only I didn’t know it at the time, because someone conveniently didn’t mention it,” she says, squeezing my thigh.
I can’t resist leaning in to kiss her again as I whisper, “Fuck, I thought I’d been given the best present of my life when I walked out and found you sitting here with them that night.”
Ash wraps her hand around the back of my neck, holding me against her as she whispers, “I think that every morning I wake up beside you, Luke.”
And I can’t stop the groan that falls from my lips as I lean in and kiss her, deeply. She kisses me back, teasing me with her tongue and I just want to lie her down on this bench seat we’re sitting in and run my mouth all over her body.
“What can I get you guys?”
I pull back, my heart racing and my eyes glazed over. I hear Ash laugh as she says, “We’ll take a pitcher of beer, thanks.”
I shake my head, trying to focus my attention on the fact that we are sitting in a very public place as I tell her, “Yeah, I think I like this version a lot more than last year’s.”