by Natalie Ward
She groans now. “Mmmm, okay I’m convinced.”
“Room service or out for breakfast?” she asks, glancing at her watch. The little while longer turned into three hours later. But it’s been three fucking fantastic hours spent in bed and then in the shower. Three hours spent touching her and kissing her all over. Three hours of her touching and kissing me all over. Easily, three of the best hours of my life, and without a doubt, the greatest birthday I’ve ever had. I watch as she pulls on a sweater, hiding her beautiful body from my eyes.
I smile. “Out. If we stay here, I’m gonna pull all those clothes off you again.”
She walks over to me, kisses me quickly on the lips. “Your choice.” And then it’s me groaning as she grabs my hand and asks, “Hungry?”
I pull her closer to me. “Always,” I growl against her lips.
She laughs, kisses me quickly and drags me from the room. “Come on, let’s get you replenished.”
I laugh as I follow her out, thinking she probably needs the replenishment too. I’m not disappointed to go out, I love New York. And even though the idea of spending a day in bed in our amazing hotel room, doing all sorts of wicked things to her, drives me insane with desire. I also know that we are in one of the coolest cities in the world and it would be wrong not to go out.
“Thank you, Asha,” I whisper against her lips as I pull her towards me when we reach the elevator. “Thank you for last night, for today. For so many things.”
She smiles at me. “I just wanted to give you a good birthday this year, especially as I missed it last year.”
I wrap my arms around her tightly. “Best birthday ever, without a doubt, one of my most favourite days.”
Smiling against my lips, I hear her whisper, “One of your most favourites? Aren’t you supposed to have only one favourite?”
I pull us both into the elevator when the doors open, not letting go of her as I hit the button for the foyer. “I don’t care, I can’t limit it to just one,” I say, lightly brushing my fingertips across her cheek.
“What are some of the others then?” she asks, tightening her arms around my waist.
I smile at her, bending down to press a kiss against her neck. “Where to start, Ash, that would be the question.”
“What do you mean?” she asks.
Smiling against her skin, I slowly kiss up her neck as I whisper in her ear, “Well, for starters, I’d need to count up all the seconds I’ve been with you to answer that one.”
I pull back and watch her face melt into a beautiful smile. A smile that reaches her eyes and lights up her whole face. The exact smile I want to wake up to for the rest of my life. And then before I can start telling her about each and every one of them, she says the only words I want to hear for the rest of my life.
“I love you.”
And all I can do is kiss her and add another favourite to the list.
Track 14 (A side) – (It’s A Lie) I’m Okay
Can still feel the hurt, buried deep in my bones
The pain that I carry, it brings me back home
I thought I’d already said my goodbyes
But the truth is just a pack of lies
∞
“Ready to go?” Ash asks me, standing beside our suitcases as she takes one last look around the room we won’t be back to for at least three months, probably longer if everything pans out. We’re finally leaving for L.A. today. Back to the city I longed to escape from, to make an album that’s always been a dream for us.
“Yeah, think so,” I say, walking towards her.
Ash slides her arms around my waist. “This is the start of it, you know,” she says, pressing up on her toes to kiss me. “This is the start of everything for you guys.”
I wrap my arms around her shoulders, pulling her closer. “Yeah, I know it is,” I say, not wanting to admit that going back there actually scares the fuck out of me. I kiss her again, trying to distract myself, before we grab our bags and walk out of our room.
The record label has sent a van to pick us all up, and we are the last stop. The others are all laughing, excited about finally leaving and I can’t help but smile. I am excited about making this record, really excited about the opportunity we’ve been given. I just have to somehow pretend that we are not doing it in L.A. I have to try and ignore what is potentially waiting for me in that city.
We make it to the airport and as we stand in line, I slide my arms around Ash’s waist and feel her body melt back against mine. I lower my mouth to her neck and kiss her soft skin, knowing she is the perfect distraction to what’s going on inside my head right now.
“Mmmm, I need some coffee,” she murmurs as my lips brush against her skin, kissing a slow trail up to her ear.
“I’ll get you some when we check in, okay?” I whisper.
Her head falls back against my shoulder and I open my eyes, see her smiling face looking up at me. “Thank you,” she says quietly, her hand sliding around to the back of my head and pulling me towards her lips.
I smile as I lower my mouth to hers, somehow completely unaware of all the other people around us anymore. We’re standing in the check-in line at the airport. The rest of the guys are in front of us, flights are being called and bags are being bumped all around us, but the only thing I’m seeing right now is Asha.
I feel her smile against my lips as my hands flatten against her stomach, all sorts of wicked thoughts running through my brain. I slide my thumbs under the waistband of her jeans as I pull her tighter against me so my whole body is now pressed against hers. My legs on either side of her, holding her to me.
“God, Luke,” she groans, her eyes closing. “Are you trying to drive me crazy here?”
I smile, kissing her again. “Well, you are always driving me crazy, Ash.”
“Really?” she asks, her eyes open and looking at me as though she’s not sure what I mean.
“Oh yeah.” I say, as my thumbs start to lightly caress her skin.
“But in a good way?” she asks.
I can’t help but smile at her. “Mmmm, in a very good way,” I say, knowing she distracts me in all the best ways too. “Although at first, it was more of an I am so in love with you and it’s driving me crazy because all I wanna do is kiss you, kinda way.”
She laughs. “And now?”
“Now, Asha,” I whisper, my thumbs skimming over her hipbones, causing her to groan as I put my mouth against her ear. “Now it’s more of an I am really crazy in love with you and I just can’t stop kissing you and touching you, kinda way. Ever.”
“Luke,” she moans, turning around in my arms so my hands slide around her waist and rest against the curve of her spine. Brushing her lips against mine she whispers, “I really like the sound of that.” And then she kisses me and I swear, if we weren’t standing in line at the airport I’d be ripping her clothes off right now.
“Ah, come on love birds, do you two ever fucking stop?” Ben suddenly asks, breaking the moment. It’s probably just as well because I am so turned on right now I’m not sure what I’m likely to do. “Just check in already, then you can go and join the mile high club like the rest of us have,” he adds laughing, loud enough for half the check-in line to hear.
I smile as Ash pulls her lips away from mine, her eyes alive with happiness and I can’t resist saying, “Mmmm that’s not such a bad idea.”
“What?”
I bend down and put my mouth to her ear. “Joining the mile high club.” Ash buries her face in my neck laughing and I wrap my arms around her tightly, walking her backwards as our line starts to move forward. She breathes against my neck, still laughing and I look down at her again. “What?” I ask.
“Oh nothing, just Ben and his big mouth. I don’t know how Sarah puts up with it,” she says smiling.
“Are you gonna be able to put up with it?” I ask.
“What do you mean?” she says looking up at me, still wrapped tightly in my arms.
“L.A., together, for th
ree months, Ash. It’s gonna be a long time.”
She smiles again. “Well, technically it will be longer, remember? The tour afterwards.”
I squeeze my arms, walking us forward in the line again. “Yeah, shit, it will be won’t it? God, even I’m wondering if I’ll be able to put up with him.”
Ash laughs and kisses me. “It’ll be cool, Luke, as long as we can be together, I don’t care.”
I hold her against my lips now. “Always,” I whisper and then I kiss her again.
After we’re all checked in, we head through security and I grab Ash her much promised coffee. The seven of us head to our gate to wait until our flight is called. We’ve decided to all stay together in L.A., rent one house and just live together out in Santa Monica beach. Considering we’re gonna be there for at least three months, it’s a gamble, but I’m happy. More than anything, I’m just happy Ash is with me. I couldn’t care less about where we stay. After everything that’s happened, I can’t bear the thought of ever being apart from her, even for one night. We never have so far, not since that very first night she spent with me. Even when she was in the hospital I stayed with her. And I know, this is something I’m going to make sure never changes, ever. No matter what.
I’d give all of this up for Ash if I had to. And it would be worth it.
Pete is here too, he was a given. Sarah hasn’t come, but her and Ben still seem to be on. The goodbye she gave him ten minutes ago certainly suggests they are. And of course my sister is here, but I have no idea how she’s feeling about going back to L.A. either. Neither of us has good memories of this place, but I’m glad that even though we are both going back, this time she has Jared with her. Fuck knows, our shithead father created enough problems for them too.
“Mmmm, perfect,” Ash mutters leaning her head against my shoulder, distracting me as we sit on the bench seats at our gate.
I shift my arm, wrapping it around her shoulders and pull her closer. “Feel better now?” She smiles as she looks up at me and I lean in to give her a kiss, the taste of coffee still on her lips.
“Thank you,” she whispers.
“Always, my beautiful girl, always.”
Yeah, I’m never giving her up; I know that now more than ever. After nearly losing her like I did, I’m never giving her up. And she alone will make being back in L.A. bearable.
Six hours later and our plane starts its descent into LAX. I’m in the aisle seat, but I can still see the sprawling city out of the window as we fly in over it. My skin crawls in response and it has nothing to do with the disgusting layer of brown smog that blankets the endless sprawl of concrete.
I really don’t want to be back here and I’m beginning to wonder if I was kidding myself thinking I could do this. This city is nothing but nightmares and bad memories, even now. I spent nineteen years wondering who I was when I lived here, and one day was all it took for me to finally work out that I would never know who that person was until I left. I wish leaving had been all it took, but it wasn’t. I wouldn’t necessarily say things got worse, but they certainly didn’t get better right away.
Ash’s hand squeezes my thigh and I turn my gaze from the window to her, and see her worried look, her eyes holding mine. I reach out, my thumb gently brushing the crease that’s formed between her eyes. “Okay?” I ask, automatically.
She catches my hand as I lower it from her face, gripping it in both of hers. “This isn’t you coming back here, you know,” she says. I’m about to tell her I know this, when she continues. “It’s a new chapter, Luke, a completely different story. This is your dream and this is just a city, it could be any city. This is not you returning to your past.”
I smile, leaning in to kiss her quickly. “I love you, beautiful girl, so much,” I whisper against her lips.
Ash lets go with one of her hands and raises it, silencing my lips with her finger. “I’m serious, Luke. Don’t even think about him, not at all. He’s got nothing to do with why you’re back here.”
I gently bite her finger, continuously surprised by the woman sitting opposite me. The woman who has changed so much from the one I first fell in love with, but at the same time, is no different. She is still incredible and she still owns me completely. But it’s the new lease on life she has that really gets me now. It’s her wanting to live, it’s her knowing exactly what I’m thinking without me ever having to say anything, and always knowing the right thing to say in return.
As my teeth nibble at her finger, I watch the smile slowly spread across her face. “Don’t think I don’t know you’re trying to distract me, mister,” she says, her smile getting bigger as I start to gently suck on her finger. “It’s not working you know.”
I raise my eyebrows at her as I suck a little harder. She tries to pull her finger from my mouth, but I follow her, leaning in so my lips are now touching hers, her finger no longer in my mouth. “Are you sure about that?” I whisper against her lips.
“Not fair,” she breathes out before I silence her with my mouth.
She’s right though. I am trying to distract her. But I’m also trying to distract myself. I promised myself when I left this city that I’d never come back here, no matter what. After everything that happened, I never wanted to set foot in L.A. again.
Because I wasn’t going to remember this life, not after trying so hard to get away from it. My life here is so far away from the life I have now. Back then I never expected anything good to ever happen, because it felt like time and time again it hadn’t. When you spend your life dealing with disappointment, it can be hard to get excited about anything. But now, everything has changed, in so many ways. Dreams I never even dared to have are suddenly starting to come true. Asha, music, my friends, Mia; this was all stuff I’d only dreamed about. And although I don’t like to think he has the power to destroy any of it, I’m still afraid.
Yet here I am, about to spend the next three months living here and all I can do is hope I don’t run into him. Because I’m afraid of what will happen if I see him again, and not just because of what he could do to all of these dreams. I’m afraid that next time, despite my best intentions, despite never wanting to be anything like him, it will be my fist connecting with his face.
And I’m scared of what it means that I can even think like this.
Track 15 (B side) – Shattered Dream
Can’t remember a time when I was ever free
A day or a night when I didn’t have to fight
Just to breathe
Your hold was so tight / Colder than ice
But I’m never gonna let you break me
∞
When I come out of the auditorium, it’s the driver who’s waiting for me. I shouldn’t be surprised, it’s what always happens, but for some reason, tonight I still am. For some stupid reason I actually keep expecting them to give a shit about me.
He smiles at me as he asks, “How did you do tonight, Luke?”
I try and smile back at him but it’s hard when I don’t really care. “Okay, I guess.”
“Did you win?”
“Yeah.”
“Well that is good news, Luke, congratulations.”
“Thanks, I guess,” I answer as I follow him to the car. He opens the door for me and I slide into the back seat. Dad is on his phone, as usual. Mom is drinking, as usual. It’s only Mia who looks up and smiles at me.
“Luke!” she says, throwing her arms around me as I slide in next to her.
I smile as I rub my knuckles into the top of her head, before sinking into the empty seat beside her, ignoring both of my parents who haven’t even bothered to glance in my direction. Mia is dressed in a ballerina outfit. “How’d it go?” I ask nodding towards her slippered feet. She shrugs, not answering me. “What happened, Mia?” She rests her head on my shoulder, still not saying anything. “Did something happen during the recital?” I ask.
“No, the recital was fine,” she says quietly.
“But?”
I feel her t
ake a deep breath before she lifts her head off my shoulder. Looking up at me, her eyes quickly flick to our mother before turning back to me. “She told me I looked fat,” Mia whispers, her head falling forward as she slides her hands under her legs.
“What?” I ask, my head snapping towards the woman who is too busy drinking and staring out the window to even notice we’re talking about her.
“Luke,” Mia says, grabbing my hand.
I turn back and see the hurt in her eyes that she’s trying to hide. I fucking hate our mother for the things she says to her. “You aren’t fat, Mia, don’t listen to her, don’t let her get to you like that. Did she even watch you perform?”
“No,” Mia answers quietly.
Bitch, I think to myself. How the fuck would she even know what Mia looks like? Probably too busy drinking with her friends to even bother watching one of her kids actually do something they’re good at. I turn back to look at her, ready to say something for once.
“Don’t, Luke, please don’t do it,” Mia says urgently, knowing exactly what I’m thinking.
Her voice is pleading and her hands are gripping my arm now, silently begging me not to. As always I give in because more than anything, it’s Mia I’m looking out for. “I won’t do it, if you believe me when I say you aren’t fat.” She’s looking at me like she wants to believe me, but can’t. This is too many years of our bitch mother telling her this; too many comments, too many pinches of Mia’s skin, too many everythings. “Mia?”
“Okay,” she finally says.
“Okay what?”
“Okay, Luke, I’m not fat,” Mia says in a voice that says she still isn’t sure she believes it.
“Better,” I say deciding to let it go this time before leaning in and tickling her.
Mia is giggling now as she asks me, “How did it go tonight?”
“Yeah same old, you know.”
“You won? Well done, Luke,” she says squeezing me in her arms as she attempts to give me a hug around our seat belts, all while I keep tickling her. “I bet he’ll get you your guitar now.”