by Natalie Ward
∞
I wake up the morning of the funeral to the alarm. The music is soft, muted almost, like the volume wasn’t set loud enough. I lean over to switch it off, wondering if I didn’t set it right, and see that Ash is wide awake and watching me. She reaches out and runs her hand over my cheek, holding it there.
“Hey,” she whispers, leaning in to kiss me.
I kiss her back. “Were you already awake?” I ask, surprised she could possibly be awake before me, or the alarm. That never happens.
“Yeah.”
I watch her. Her hand is still on my cheek and I can see the concern in her eyes now. “That’s gotta be a first,” I say, trying to smile.
She leans in and kisses me again. “Just want to make sure you’re okay,” she says.
“Asha,” I breathe against her lips. Our eyes are open watching each other. “I’m okay, beautiful, really.”
I can tell she doesn’t believe me, but she wraps her arm around my waist and pulls herself closer, pushing me onto my back. Leaning up on her elbow, she looks down at me. “I’m here, okay. I’m here for you today and every day after this. I need you to know that.”
I smile up at her, feeling surprisingly okay given what’s about to happen today. “I do know that. But right now, do you think we could do something really good to start this day?”
She finally smiles back at me. “Oh yeah, and what would something really good involve?” she asks.
“This,” I say pulling her mouth to mine and letting myself drown in her.
Mia, Jared, Ash, and I walk in to the church together. Pete, Steve, Ben, and Sarah, who flew in last night, are behind us. It feels so surreal, that we are all together again, even if it’s for a funeral and not the concert like we’d hoped. It sort of pisses me off that this is what got us all together again. But then I take a deep breath, remembering that I’m letting all of this shit go now. He is gone; he is no longer in my life. And with that comes the knowledge that he can never really fuck it up for me, or anyone else I care about, ever again.
The church is almost full, but there are several pews up the front that must be reserved for family. I turn to Mia, unsure whether we should sit there or stay at the back, but she nods, so we walk down. Everyone follows us and I’m so grateful. If there was ever a time I needed my family, my real family that is, then this is it. Ash is holding my hand in both of hers and she squeezes it as we approach the front, letting me know she’s here for me, as always. I look down at her and for the millionth time since the day I met her, I’m eternally grateful for having this amazing woman in my life. I remove my hand from hers and wrap my arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer.
Mom sits in the row in front of us. She looks like she’s somewhere else completely and it’s almost reassuring to see that nothing’s changed there either. I glance at Mia and see her watching the back of Mom’s head like she’s trying to see through her. I’m surprised the bitch can’t feel the holes Mia must be boring into the back of her head. Jared looks up at me as he wraps his arm around Mia’s shoulder and I can’t help but smile, grateful that he is here for her. I watch as he squeezes Mia’s shoulder, taking her focus off Mom and onto him.
Our mother hasn’t spoken two words to either Mia or me, but I’m not surprised by that either. Everything was always about her, she made sure of that, and this will be no different. I watch as she sits in front of us crying dramatic tears for the husband she probably hated and who really meant fuck all to her when he was alive, but ignoring the two children who sit living and breathing behind her. Her relationship with us was always the same, ignore what you don’t want, and not having him around isn’t going to change that. I have no intention of speaking to her at all, I have nothing to say to her and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have anything to say to me either. It’s best if this is the end with her too.
Ash squeezes my hand, and I look down. “You okay?” she whispers, leaning over so her lips are against my ear.
I press a kiss to her cheek. “I’m okay, beautiful, really.” And I actually am. Yes there’s still a part of me that can’t believe this has all happened and I know there are things I wish I could have said, maybe even done, but if I’m being honest with myself, the one thing I am feeling right now is relief.
It’s over, everything to do with this man who nearly broke me, is over. I will never have to fear him coming back into my life, or fucking with the people I care about. anymore. I know that Mia can have the life she wants and nothing he does can interfere with that anymore. So can I, and for the first time, I feel like I can breathe.
Someone gets up to give a speech on the allegedly amazing man who was my father. They obviously didn’t know the real man. Either that or even in death, they’re still afraid of him. I’m not sure who all of these people who speak are. I’m guessing business partners. Neither Mom nor any of Dad’s brothers get up to speak and there is no way Mia or I are going to.
The service is long and I don’t really pay attention to it. I’ve never been religious and I’m not about to become it now. Neither was my father as far as I know, and he certainly never went to church. It kinda surprises me he wanted this, but then he was all about appearances. And it’s been like that in death too, this whole funeral almost like some big production, showcasing this amazing man who contributed not only to the business world, but also the community in general. There’s no mention of his family and in a way, I’m glad. Because it would probably be too much to listen to someone who’s never met us and never seen the side of my dad that we saw, try and sing his virtues as a father. I’m not sure I’d have been able to sit through that.
When it finally finishes, Mia leans over and whispers, “We’re not going to the cemetery right? Can we just get the hell out of here?”
I half smile as I turn to face her. “You read my mind, Mia,” I whisper back. “Let’s go home, yeah?”
The eight of us stand and walk out of the church. Mia and I have absolutely no desire to go to our mother’s house afterwards. Fuck knows she’ll only make that all about her anyway. So we walk out, knowing that we are finally walking away from this forever.
We go home and despite what’s happened this morning, the eight of us are strangely happy. We spend the rest of the afternoon by the pool, catching up with Sarah, and discussing our upcoming show and the tour. No one speaks about my dad, and although Mia and I get a couple of hugs and looks, I know they are just letting us deal with it.
Late in the evening, just as the sun is setting, I collapse into a lounger by the pool, the exhaustion of today, of the last few weeks, finally catching up with me. At least I’m finally managing to sleep a little better.
“You doing okay?” Jared asks, taking a seat on the lounger next to me.
I glance over at him. “Yeah,” I say lifting my beer to him.
“Thank fuck for that,” he says tapping his bottle against mine, and although it’s said as a joke, I know he means it. Jared’s seen what I’ve lived through because of my dad, more than anyone else has. And more often than not, he’s been there to pick up the pieces.
“Indeed,” I say in agreement.
We both sit in silence, sipping our beers. The relief I feel right now is amazing. It’s like the last little weight I was carrying around, the one I’ve had my entire life, has gone. Pieces of it have slowly been disappearing over time. When I left school, when I got into music, and definitely when I met Asha. But for a while there, new pieces started being piled back on top, starting when she got shot and only getting worse after we came here and he showed up in my life again.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to live through it all over again and maybe him dying is an easy out for me, but right now, I’ll take it. Because the relief at having all of those pieces gone, knowing that he can never bring them back, is like nothing else in this world.
“How are you feeling about the album and touring now, after everything?” Jared suddenly asks, reminding me of the other reaso
n some of that weight got lifted.
I smile as I turn to face him. “Pretty fucking excited.”
Jared grins back at me. “It’s gonna be so cool, huh?”
“It sure is,” I say, knowing we are grinning like a pair of goofballs over this.
“I’m glad they’re coming with us,” Jared says, looking over at Mia and Ash as they sit catching up with Sarah. “Even though I know he’s gone, I…” He trails off and I know exactly what he’s thinking about. “Anyway, it’s gonna be a blast and who’d have thought?”
“Thought what?” I ask, still watching Ash as she laughs with the other two.
“That a road trip nearly nine years ago could end up with us in L.A., about to become rock stars?”
I laugh, remembering back to when I first met Jared. “I don’t even know what made me get off the bus that day you know. Not sure why I thought that diner, at that stop, in that town, was the place to get off.”
“Who knows, maybe it was fate,” Jared says. “Although life could’ve been a bit easier if you hadn’t just fucked off when we’d hit Boston you know,” he adds on and I know what he’s talking about.
When we’d arrived in Boston at the end of the road, I’d kinda been hit with a hard dose of reality. Not just how real it all suddenly was, leaving school and my family behind, but also having made a decision about where I was going to try and live this new life of mine. Wandering aimlessly had made it seem like a dream. Choosing somewhere to actually live turned it into a reality. And when I’d apparently earned a friend in the process that had freaked me out even more. I didn’t do well with reality back then. So, like a complete asshole, I’d blown Jared off the second we’d got into town. The one guy who had helped me, and I just walked off and tried to pretend none of it had ever happened.
“I was a dick back then,” I say, my head falling back on the lounger now as I stare up at the darkening sky.
“Yeah, you kinda were,” Jared says laughing. “An angry one too.”
I smile, knowing how true that was. It didn’t seem to matter that I’d finally escaped, I was still carrying all of the anger I had for my father with me. And letting go of that had been a lot harder than I thought. I don’t actually think I let go of the last of it until today. “I know. I’m sorry, J. You do know that right?”
Jared exhales loudly, pushing his hand through his hair as he kicks my leg with his foot. “You know, you’re really gonna have to stop apologising to me, Luke.” I glance over at him. “Because I’m getting really fucking sick of it.” He’s smiling now, but I know there’s a seriousness to his comment.
“Yeah, yeah,” I say, trying to make light of it all. “I know I am. Last time though, okay?”
“Fucking better be,” he murmurs and I can’t help but laugh.
“Hey,” Ash says, as her and Mia wander over now.
I reach out and grab her hand, pull her down so she’s sitting on my lap. I have so many memories of days and nights spent by this pool, both alone and with her, as I struggled to work out what the fuck to do about everything. But this time, tonight, it’s nothing but good. “Hey, beautiful,” I whisper, pressing a kiss to her temple.
“You doing okay?” she asks, her hand on my cheek.
I smile at her. “I am, Asha. I really am,” I say, meaning every word of it. Ash smiles at me again as she leans in to kiss my lips and despite thinking this before, I can’t help but think that life does not get any better than this.
“What were you two talking about?” Mia asks, sitting between Jared’s legs.
Jared laughs, wrapping his arms around Mia’s shoulders as he says, “We were talking about when Luke and I first met.”
“The road trip, right?” Mia says, leaning back against him.
“Yeah, the road trip,” Jared answers. “But it wasn’t really until we met again, nearly a month after that, that we became friends.”
“Really?” Ash says, glancing at me. “I thought that road trip is what started it.”
I smile at her. “It sort of was,” I say, smoothing the hair back from her face. “But I was kind of a dick when we got to Boston and I blew him off.”
“Dude, that actually sounds kinda dirty,” Jared says, as Mia laughs.
I smile, rolling my eyes as I still look at Ash. “Anyway, it was maybe four weeks before I ran into him again.”
“Still in Boston?” Ash asks as she settles against me now. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her close.
“Yep, still in Boston. He and Damien found me camping out in the back of their record store.”
“What?! Are you serious?” Mia asks. “You were fucking homeless, Luke?”
I glance at my sister and see she looks shocked, concerned even, and I can’t help but smile. “I was sis, yeah. But trust me, anything was better than what I’d been forced to put up with before that.”
“Fuck,” Mia breathes out, looking between Jared and me now. “So what happened?”
Jared glances over at me, smiling as he says, “You wanna tell them the story?”
“Sure,” I say, as I sink back on the lounger and remember back to when my life changed for a third time.
Track 32 (B Side) – Scarred
Staring back
Can barely recognise my own reflection
This mask I wear, a clever deception
Scars exist, buried deep inside
Their pain I carry, but try to hide.
∞
A noise in the shop is what wakes me. Pulls me from the one hour of sleep I’ve managed to get since I finished up at the restaurant. My body aches and I really need to take a shower. I feel like I’ve been walking through the last four weeks half asleep. I lie still in the darkened room, hoping that whoever it is isn’t going to come out here. For a brief minute I wonder if it’s a break in. I don’t think so, because I always set the perimeter alarm and I’m fairly certain it wasn’t glass smashing that woke me up.
“Do you know where it is?” comes a voice from the front of the store.
Fuck. It’s Damien. The guy who owns this place and is my new boss. I hear another voice too, which sounds strangely familiar although I can’t place it. It sounds like they are looking for something and I can only hope they don’t come looking for it out here. The last thing I need is to lose my job and my place to sleep. I know I shouldn’t be here, but I can’t really afford anywhere else, at least not on my own. Plus I spend so many hours at work now, between the music store and the restaurant, that it doesn’t seem worth it to pay rent anywhere. Of course, right now it seems like maybe I should have revised that decision.
“I’m just gonna check out here,” I hear the familiar voice say.
The door opens and a blinding shaft of light fills the room. I sit here stunned, staring into it and knowing I’m about to be kicked out.
“Luke?” the voice asks me. It’s not Damien, but the guy acts like he knows me.
I see his shadow block the light and when my eyes refocus and I can see again, I understand why. “Hey,” I murmur.
“What are you doing here?” Jared asks me.
I run my hand over my face, exhausted beyond belief and wanting nothing more than a shower and to go back to sleep. “Um, I sort of work here,” I finally get out.
“You’re the new guy Damien hired?” he asks, surprised.
“Yeah,” I answer, standing up now. “You know Damien too?” I ask as I start to pack up my stuff. I know I’m going to be asked to leave when Damien comes to the door as well.
“Luke, what the hell are you doing here?” he asks me, no sign of anger in his voice.
I exhale loudly, my body fighting the weight of tiredness that isn’t just because I’ve only had one hour of sleep. I thought all of this would stop when I left home, when I got away from him. But I’m beginning to wonder if this is a burden I will never get rid of; that I’m destined to carry with me forever. “Ah, I sorta needed a place to crash,” I say, forcing myself to meet his stare. “I’m sorry, I
know it was wrong of me to stay here. I’ll leave now.”
“Luke,” Damien says, taking a step into the room. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I want to tell him why. I want to say it’s because I’ve never had to ask for anything like this. I might not have been listened to, but I never had to worry about a roof over my head, clothes on my back, or money in my wallet. But in order to be heard, I had to give all of that up and now I have no idea how to ask, how to tell someone, I need anything. But I don’t, I just shrug and finish gathering up all my stuff. “I’m sorry,” I mumble, pushing past both of them as I head out to the front of the shop. I have no idea where I’m going to go now and I’m not sure what I’m going to do with any of my stuff when I have to go to work tomorrow.
“Luke.”
It’s Jared this time and something in the way he says my name, forces me to stop. I don’t turn around though.
“Luke,” he says again. “Why don’t you come and crash at my place. I have a spare room.”
I shake my head immediately, knowing I can’t do this.
“It’s a good idea, Luke,” Damien says now. “And a good place. I should know, I used to live there.”
I turn to face both of them. I had no idea they were even friends. I’ve never seen Jared in the store before, but I’ve only worked here a couple of days, sleeping in homeless shelters before this. I wonder why Damien isn’t surprised that Jared knows who I am.
“It’s true,” Jared says, shrugging as though it’s no big deal. “But the bastard has gone and moved in with his girlfriend, so I’m actually looking for someone to take the room.”
I swallow, unsure of what to make of his offer. None of us says anything for what feels like forever. I don’t know what to say.
Finally Damien speaks. “You still have a job here, Luke, don’t worry about that, but you should really take the room, not sleep here.”
I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut and I can feel my fingers gripping the handle of my bags so tight, it’s a wonder they haven’t snapped off.
Jared takes a step towards me and I feel my body tense. “Just try it out, see what you think. You don’t wanna stay there, no problem.” He’s reaching out now, as if to take one of my bags. I don’t move at all.