by Kelly Moore
“I stole you a pretty blue dress.” I’m taking it out of my backpack as I walk in the door.
She snatches it out of my hand. “That is nice. It’ll match my blue eyes.”
Momma’s eyes are brown, at least that’s the way they always look. Her eyes are so dilated from the drugs and being inside.
“I want you gone by the time he gets here.” She pulls the dress over her head.
I’ll go to my usual spot and read about things I can only dream of. The library stays open until eight, but the librarian lets me stay until she’s ready to walk out the door.
I get back on my bike and go into town. When I walk in, there are several kids that are in my class, sitting at a table together. They snicker and whisper at me when I walk by. I square my shoulders and don’t pay any attention to them. I get lost in a book for several hours before the librarian tells me it’s time to go.
I ride home in the dark. There’s a big black pickup truck parked outside. I’m tired and want to go straight to bed, so I tiptoe inside, trying not to disturb Momma. I’ve graduated from a pallet to a stinky old twin mattress. I think someone died on it. It smells awful.
I hate it.
I change into my pajamas and lie down. As soon as I do, the bedroom door opens, and Momma walks out, smiling.
“Who is this?” The man’s voice is gruff. He wipes his chin with his hand.
“My daughter Nina.” Momma straightens her dress.
“She’s a pretty little thing.”
His words make my stomach ache.
“You like her?” Momma pulls me off the bed with her hand.
“She’s got a tight little body.” He’s eyeing me up and down, making me feel uncomfortable.
“For an extra two hundred dollars, she’s yours for the rest of the night.” My mom holds her hand out.
“What? No!” I jerk out of her grasp.
He pulls cash from his pocket.
“I’m not for sale!” I cry.
“You’ll do as you’re told. You’re old enough to help make some money to help pay the bills.” She points at me, snarling.
“You mean to help you buy drugs. I won’t do it!” I scream and head for the front door. His large hand reaches out and catches me by the hair, yanking me backward.
“Let go of me!” I yell and try to free myself from him. His grip is so hard, a handful of hair is ripped from my head.
“Oww! Please stop!” I can’t help but cry it hurts so bad.
He drags me by the hair back to Momma’s room and slams the door, whipping his belt from its loops. He’s too big and strong for me to fight him.
Chapter 3
Nina - Age 17
“Nina, your grades are so good you can get into any college that you want. You made a perfect score on your SAT’s.”
“I’m not going to college, Mrs. Gary,” I tell my guidance counselor.
“Why not? You’re one of the smartest young ladies I’ve ever had at this school. Why wouldn’t you want to go to college?”
“It’s not that I don’t want to.” I bite my bottom lip and wring my hands together. “My mother can’t afford to send me to school.”
“You’ll get a full-ride scholarship with your grades and additional monies from the state based on your family's income. Have your mother and father come in, and I can discuss it with them.”
I want to tell her my father’s been dead for years, but I don’t. My mother has never stepped foot in school. I’ve always lied and told them she was too busy with her job as a dancer. I’ve gotten good at telling lies and putting on masks.
It’s taken me a long time to figure out how to fit in; my mask makes it so much easier. I put it on, and people see me. I’ve learned to be fake enough to fit in and make a few friends. Well, they aren’t really my friends.
I hate all of them.
But pretending has made my life more bearable. I can stay out late at a so-called friend's house and not have to deal with the men my mother has over, or her all-night, drug-induced binges. I spend all my time studying, finding ways to earn money, and cleaning our shithole of a trailer. The roof leaks every time it rains, and it smells like sex and cigarettes.
Mom still sells me out to her men friends. That’s when a different mask goes on. A colder one filled with indifference and defiance.
I loathe the mask.
When the door is closed, I demand more money and tell them the deal is off if they tell my mother they gave me more. It works every time. I’ve got a stash of money hidden in a can underneath the trailer.
Men disgust me. Even the ones I think might be nice.
I hate all men.
“Nina?”
Mrs. Gary’s voice brings me out of my fog.
“Do you think you could get your parents in here?”
“They’re too busy. If you give me the information, I’ll go over it with them.”
She hands me the application and flyers. “There is a deadline. You’ll need to have these back to me in a couple of weeks, along with the application fee of two hundred dollars.”
“I thought you said I’d have a full ride?”
“You will, but you have to pay these fees.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Gary.” I stuff them in my bag.
“Let me know if you need anything. I could come to your house to talk to them if you want.”
“No, that’s okay. They are both away on a business trip. I’ll call them tonight.” I rush out the door before she asks me any more questions.
When I make it home, one of her regulars is pulling out of the dirt driveway. I walk in, and Mom is rolling up her sleeve, tapping the inside of her arm.
“I’m surprised you have any veins left,” I say, throwing my bag on the couch.
“Don’t talk to me like I’m a piece of trash,” she snarls.
I want to tell her if the shoe fits. “I just met with the guidance counselor at school. I earned a perfect score on my college entrance exams. She said I could go to whatever college I wanted, and it would be paid for.”
“You ain’t going nowhere. I’m sure there was some screwup. You ain’t smart enough to amount to anything.”
Another mask goes into place. The one where I pretend her words don’t hurt me. I’m either stupid or ugly. Those are the mild words she’s called me through the years.
“I found that dumb journal you’ve been keeping.”
The hair on my arms raise. “What do you mean, you ‘found it?’”
“As in I read all the crap you’ve been writing. Half that stuff ain’t true.”
“How would you know? You’re too drugged out to know the truth.”
She jumps out of her chair, and I protect my face with my hands. “Why you ungrateful bitch!”
“Ungrateful? I’ve been the one taking care of you all these years. I’ve done unspeakable things to keep this shithole over our heads and food on the table. You spend every dime you make on drugs. You couldn’t care less about me. I’m only good to clean up your mess.”
“Don’t you dare disrespect me like that!” She raises her hand to slap me. Instead of cowering, I face her and straighten my shoulders.
“I disrespected you a long time ago. When you didn’t give a shit that Rella was gone.”
“Who the hell is Rella?”
I laugh. “My sister. You’ve never even talked about her once since that day.” I refuse to cry.
“I never wanted her in the first place. She would’ve been one more thing for me to take care of.”
“Thing!” I scream. “She was your daughter, not a thing! You never wanted me either!”
She falls on the couch and starts tapping her arm again. “That’s not true. Your daddy and I both wanted you.”
“Yeah, until the two of you got hooked on drugs. The same drugs that took his life.”
She holds a small bag out to me. “Do you want some? Do you have any idea how amazing they make you feel?”
“I know what they’ve d
one to your life and mine. Who do you think has put you back together all these years? I want nothing to do with that shit.” I smack the bag from her hand.
“You bitch!” She scrambles to get if off the floor. “I’ll make sure you don’t go anywhere. I’ll call the cops and tell them you're the one who’s been stealing stuff from the local stores.”
I pick up the phone that’s been disconnected for years. “Call them. I’ll tell them how you’ve been selling your daughter all these years.”
She straps the band around her arm.
“Where is my journal?” I seethe.
“In the trash, where it belongs. That’s where I should’ve put your baby sister when she was born.”
Her words trigger a deep hate inside me, and I snap. It’s a darkness I can’t control. “Do you want help with that?” I point to her needle.
She smiles and holds it out.
I draw up the liquid and get the air out of the syringe. I’ve got tons of experience on how to do this and the exact amount she needs. She holds out her arm, and I inject it. Within seconds, her head falls back, and her eyes roll.
“That’s my girl,” she slurs.
I draw up more, and when she’s completely out of it, I inject into the crook of her arm.
A handful of people are at the gravesite. My mother didn’t have any friends. A few of my teachers, the librarian, my guidance counselor, and my fake friends stand beside me, as I yet again wear another mask. The grieving one. I play the part well.
I hate crying.
After the small funeral, my counselor pulls me aside. “Why didn’t you tell anyone about your family situation?”
I have to work hard to force tears out. “I was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to know.” I cry on her shoulder.
“Do you have any other family to stay with until you graduate?”
“I’ll be fine. I’ve been taking care of myself for years.”
“You really should live with someone.”
“I’ll be eighteen in two weeks and a legal adult.” I sniff and dab my eyes with a tissue.
“If you need anything, you have my number.”
“Thank you. I appreciate it. I’ll have my application on your desk in the morning.”
“Any idea where you want to go to college?”
“Harvard. I want to study physics with a minor in business.”
Chapter 4
Nina - age 26
College classes were a breeze for me. I did nothing but study and avoided making any relationships. I didn’t join a sorority or hang out with the girls that did. I sat in the back of the classroom, going unnoticed like when I was a kid. Except, this was by choice.
I took a part-time job at a laboratory that studied DNA. Every dime I made, I invested in the company that ended up becoming a national lab for genetic testing. After I graduated, I took a full-time job and became the vice president of the company. The president was a man named Bradley West. He was in his late forties, married, and cheated on his wife almost daily. His swinging door reminded me of my mother’s.
I dislike him immensely, but he’s a means to an end for me. He has important connections that I need to start out on my own. Government contracts through the military are profitable. With my science and business expertise, I want to branch out to make foreign connections. My only goal in life is to have so much money that I will never have to be poor again. I’m talking billions. I want a life that most people can never achieve, homes all over the world, fancy cars, nice clothes, and the ability to eat at the most expensive restaurants in the world.
I don’t fool myself into thinking I was born to help feed the world or be a humanitarian of any kind. I’m in it for myself and no one else. I don’t ever want to get married or have children. I had my tubes tied as soon as I graduated college. No mistakes for me. My eye is on the prize. I don’t need, nor do I want a man.
My masks have changed since I was a girl. I have what I call the mask of pleasure. Since I want no ties, I wear it when I get the urge to have sex. Men are so easy. I prefer the married ones. That way, they run back to their wives at the end of the day.
The other mask I wear is when I need to play well with others to get what I want. That one, I don’t mind so much because it’s useful in manipulating investors. They all see me as someone who has her shit together. A past without issues. I’m well respected among my colleagues and the board of directors. They see who I want them to see.
Today, I want them to see a smart businesswoman with a plan. My black heels click on the tile floor as I make my way into the boardroom. A team of twelve men is waiting on me, and I’m betting nearly every one of them has a boner at the sight of me.
“I’ll get straight to the business at hand.” I toss a stack of papers on the oval table. “I want to expand this company’s business into organ procurement. It’s the next likely step for DNA testing.”
“Let me stop you right there,” Bradley says, tugging at his tie. “You and I’ve already discussed this at length. This is not something this company needs to take on, nor do we want to in the near future. We’ve made millions and don’t need to expand.”
I sit on the edge of the table. “Millions is enough for you? We could be making billions. Why sell out short?”
“I wouldn’t call it selling out. This company is successful because we’ve focused on one thing. We’re the best at what we do, and organ procurement has some ethical issues behind it. I don’t want any bad publicity for the company I’ve built.”
“Yes, and part of that is because of me. I pushed you to hire the best in the world and purchased top-rated equipment. The research I’ve brought into this company alone is part of its success.” I get up and pace around the board members. “There is so much more we can do with this company.”
The older man sitting next to Bradley leans over and says something in his ear. “I understand,” he says to him, then squares his shoulders at me. “That is not the direction we are taking this company.” His voice is stern.
“Then you have my resignation, and I’ll be cashing in all of my stock, which will bring this company down to its knees.”
“That’s not necessary.” Bradley stands. There’s no need to cash out.”
I walk over to him and lightly tap his cheek. “There’s no need for me to stay funded in a company that doesn’t want to grow. I’ll take my money and go elsewhere.” I can hear the roaring of their voices as I walk out of the room and shut the door.
They have no vision.
I’ll use my connections and chart my own path. A path that includes one day finding my sister.
Six years later…
* * *
“Mr. Bari, it’s so nice to meet you.” I bow. I’ve been working on this meeting for a long time. I’ve studied Afghanistan, weaponry, tactical skills, and the wealth of his family. He has a wife and a nineteen-year-old son whom he’s been grooming for years. He’s my way into building all the cash I need to fund my next project.
“I’m not in the habit of doing business with woman.” His English is broken as he sits at the small table in the back of a run-down restaurant in the middle of his town.
“Don’t think of me as a woman, but a business partner. I have the means to expand your company into the US market.” I open a folder I brought with me and lay it out in front of him. “I’ve purchased this port in Seattle. I own all the boats and equipment. I also own the men that allow for import and exports in this region.” I point on the map.
“You can move fifty percent of my drugs through this port?” He raises an eyebrow.
“Yes, without being caught.”
“I’ll give you my business on one condition.”
“Name it.”
“The military in this area is trying to take me down. I need protection. My home is well hidden, and I need it to stay that way. If I don’t have poppy fields, there is nothing to sell. My men have been able to protect me so far, but US intelligence keeps snooping a
round.”
“You want me to misdirect them?” I have men in place to run the port out of Seattle. I could contract with the military. I know all the ins and outs of this area, and with my knowledge, I could be a military handler, easily.
“Yes.”
“There has to be more in it for me?”
“What is it that you want?”
“Not only do I want fifty percent of your business coming through me, I want ownership in your poppy fields.”
He scratches his chin. “Ten percent.”
“Twenty-five.”
“No deal.”
I take out another map and pin my finger to a spot on it. “This is your home. I can lead them right to you.” He goes to say something, and I stop him. “Before you threaten to kill me, these records are in a safe with instructions upon my death to be opened and sent to our military leaders.”
“You leave me no room for negotiations.”
“No.”
He laughs. “I like you. You’re intelligent and greedy, like me. We have a deal.”
“Not so fast, there’s more.”
“What more could you want from me?” He slams his fist on the table.
“I know about your other dirty work.”
“How do you know about that?”
“I’m a woman with lots of connections.”
“I will not give you any part of it.” He stands, and the table moves.
“I don’t want money. I want you to teach me the ins and outs of trafficking young women.”
He sits. “Why would a woman like you want to know such things?”
“Because I have bigger plans.”
“Do tell, Ms. Pax.”
“Procuring human organs and selling them to the highest bidder. I do believe you’d be in the market for my knowledge.”