by Jessica Park
Of course, he hadn’t planned on Julie sending Finn is God a friend request on Facebook. Or writing to him. It was so incredibly stupid to have replied to that first message when she let him know that she was staying in his room for a few days, but… hell, Matt just hadn’t been thinking. And the lie had already been set up, so he’d just gone with it. What was the alternative? Write her back and say, Actually, Julie, this isn’t Finn. It’s Matt, across the hall. Sorry, but Finn is dead, and my mother gave me a sharp one-liner about how we were all going to stick with Celeste’s preferred version of events just to make things easier, and that was that. No hard feelings? If Matt were honest with himself, he’d allow that it had been surprisingly nice to hide behind that degree of anonymity when he wrote her back. Julie would never meet this fictional Finn, so what did it really matter anyway? It wasn’t as if she would be around for very long. Nobody was around for very long because then they couldn’t all act like lunatics by letting Celeste pretend that Finn was alive and well and cleaning up elephant dung in Africa or whatnot.
A few more days and an apartment would probably turn up. True, Matt and Julie’s day of hunting the Boston/Cambridge area for something non-cockroach and/or hooker-infested didn’t go well, and this was a horrible time to try to find a place to live, but Matt had no doubt that Julie would be gone by the weekend.
And then life would go back to normal. Whatever that meant around here.
He really couldn’t figure out Julie. She looked so relaxed, so disarmingly at home here, and so totally unfettered by life’s challenges. Like that first moment he’d seen her outside her nonexistent apartment. She could have been miserable and upset, but she was still talkative and … so very her. Even in crummy circumstances. Matt was momentarily unnerved when she’d virtually collapsed into him on the escalator the other day, because not only was she genuinely panicked, but…. Well, it had been a long time since he’d had real physical contact with someone. Not that he was a particularly affection-seeking guy, but his parents and sister certainly didn’t look for opportunities to hug him, and he hadn’t been on a date since Ellen broke up with him. Holding Julie in his arms and keeping her from dropping to the floor was the first time that he’d been that physically close to someone in years. But the point was that she bounced back from the incident incredibly well. And the way that she’d managed that first dinner with Flat Finn? Matt didn’t know what to think about that. She was fun, and Matt didn’t really know what to do with fun these days. It was rather ironic that Julie seemed so at ease in this house full of deeply uneasy people.
He sighed and leaned back in his chair, annoyed at his level of distractedness. Changes in the household were not going to be good for his studies.
Julie’s voice echoed softly outside his door. Matt tipped his head and listened, biting his lip to stop the smile that threatened to form. She was talking to Flat Finn. “You and I will be spending more time together, so I expect continued model behavior. Deal? You’re thinking about it? Let me know. Excuse me while I go to your namesake’s room and unpack. We’ll talk later.” She was… a funny girl.
Matt took a thick textbook from his bag. Just as he got comfortable sitting on his bed with his back against a pillow, Erin knocked and simultaneously opened the door.
“Matthew?” She stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. “I thought you should know that Julie is staying with us.”
Matt continued reading, but murmured. “I know. She hasn’t found an apartment yet.”
“No. I mean that Julie will be staying with us for good. I asked her to stay.”
Matt slammed the book shut and glared at Erin. “You did what? What do you mean for good?”
Erin crossed her arms. “I asked her to stay. She can help out with Celeste. Your father is leaving on his trip soon, and we could use someone else around here.”
Right, because their father was such a massive help when it came to Celeste?
“You’ve got to be kidding me? We can’t have her in the house! Why would you do this?”
“Matthew, lower your voice,” Erin said in an angry whisper.
He stood up and moved to stand next to his mother. “How in the hell are we supposed to make this work?”
“Calm down. I don’t see what the problem is. Julie will pick up Celeste from school and be with her until someone else gets home in the evenings. Your afternoons are now free, and considering the workload you have this year, I should think you’d be pleased. It’s a perfect solution.”
The room seemed be spinning. His mother had to be out of her mind. “And just what are we supposed to do about Finn, huh?”
“Finn?”
“Yes. My dead brother,” Matthew spat out under his breath. “My brother who Julie thinks is—”
“Matthew!” Erin’s face froze and it took a moment for her to speak again. “There is no reason to tell Julie about our personal business. The point is that this is a smooth solution.”
“Oh, Mom… Please don’t do this.”
“This is not a discussion. I’m simply telling you about the arrangements that have been made. And, goodness, you need to relax. There’s really no reason to get to riled up.” Erin frowned and tucked her hair behind her ear. “I’m going into my office to get some work done. Make sure Celeste has her lights off by eight-thirty, okay?”
Once alone, Matt dropped to the bed and lay on his side. He closed his eyes for a minute. The sound of the shower running in the next room soothed him a bit. He couldn’t even process what his mother had done. Perhaps there was no point in trying because there was nothing to be done about it. The decision had been made, as most decisions were in this house, without any regard for how it would affect him. It wasn’t that shocking. The systems and routines that he’d worked so hard to put in place and maintain for Celeste’s benefit could easily come undone now.
He opened his eyes and found himself staring at the thick wooden leg of his desk. Of course, it wasn’t his desk. This wasn’t his room. It was Finn’s. Matt’s real room, the one that been his when life was happier, was across the hall and being taken over by a stranger who liked Flat People, Coolattas, and “interesting.”
Things were about to get really interesting.
Matt squinted at the desk leg and then rolled off the bed until he was sitting on the floor. Huh. He’d never noticed this before, and he took a moment before crawling forward a few feet, nearly entranced by what he was seeing. He knelt down and touched his hand to the old wood, feeling the letters that had been carved there so many years ago.
Are you ready to jump?
His computer sounded and Matt slowly got to his chair, suddenly much more at peace with the swirl of changes that seemed to be engulfing him. He clicked the trackpad a few times.
Dear Finn—
Hope you don’t mind if I hang in your room for a little longer. Your mom suggested I ditch the impossible idea of trying to find a Boston apt. and stay here. Mornings at college, afternoons with Celeste, and evenings defending your room against monsters.
Being a girl and all, I’m resisting the urge to immediately paint your bedroom pink and plaster the wall with pictures of unicorns and rainbows. No promises on how long I can hold out.
How is South Africa? Celeste is waiting for pictures… Hint, hint.
—Julie
He smiled softly. If Julie could actually defend his current room against the multitude of monsters that had taken up residence there after Finn’s death, she’d really be one tough girl. If she could make those go away, then…. God, if only. Her enthusiasm, her optimism, her hope? They were all so far from where he was.
He read her message again. And then he sat quietly and stared at the screen.
He should end this now. He knew that.
But then what? Then she would leave, as anyone would, because nobody would stay after learning the truth. While Matt was—if he was honest—a bit taken aback at how well Julie and Celeste connected, the important thing was th
at Celeste was responding to someone. She certainly hadn’t to him, no matter how hard he had tried. It would be understandable to let someone else try to bring his sister back, wouldn’t it?
With the noise of the shower as his background, Matt began to type. Life wasn’t often fun or relaxed anymore, but as he wrote to Julie, a levity swept over him. Even a touch of joy at being able to joke and talk freely with someone who didn’t look at him as broken. Even as he told himself that Celeste was the one who needed Julie, there was a small part of him that wondered if he might need her, too. If he would ever be ready to jump.
Maybe, Finn, he whispered as he typed. Probably not, but maybe.
The Elevator
Flat-Out Love, Chapter 19, MPOV
Matt Watkins Today's Contrition Club meeting has been cancelled: words cannot express how deeply, deeply sorry we are.
Finn is God “It's a possibootily” is my favorite new phrase. I’ve decided it means, “You may or may not get laid later.”
Julie Seagle If I'd known how many times I would hear “Celebration” in my lifetime, I would have murdered Kool and his whole Gang years ago.
Matt knew that Julie was with Seth tonight. He didn’t know exactly what was going on with them—and not that it was any of his business—but he still didn’t like it. The phone call that he accidentally heard yesterday bothered him more than he wanted to admit. What had she said? You mean you’ve had enough time with Celeste and me in the coffeehouse? You don’t find that romantic, and sexy, and hot? And now she was going out with him tonight. Or worse, not going out, but staying in. She’d said something about him making her dinner at his apartment. He didn’t know anything about this Seth kid, and for all anybody knew, Julie’s date had a long history of violent criminal behavior. She left with the car only fifteen minutes ago, but Matt was already edgy. His fingers tapped rhythmically across his desk and he stared at his laptop’s screen. He didn’t know where Seth lived, but he wasn’t crazy about the idea of Julie driving around Boston by herself at night. She might have to park far away and walk down unlit back streets.
Matt pushed his chair back and walked to Celeste’s room. Her door was cracked open, so he knocked as he entered the room. His sister was on the bed, laying flat on her back, with both arms extended straight up and holding a thesaurus.
“Oh, Matthew, I am delighted that you chose this moment to stop by this evening. I have a project for school that Julie has been assisting me with, and I was hoping to work with her. Do you know when she will return?”
“Oh. I don’t know. After you’re asleep, I imagine.”
“So then you do believe that Julie will be returning back here tonight? I had wondered if perhaps this was going to be an overnight excursion, in which case I was unsure about what time to expect her tomorrow.”
“Celeste!”
“Why are you exhibiting a reaction that involves such a chastising tone? I understand that Julie is of an age where one may possibly engage in certain activities that often are conducted only in late hours, during which—”
“Stop right there, please.” Matt held up both hands. “We are not having this conversation or even thinking about this subject matter. Is that clear?”
“You may not be thinking about this subject matter, but as it directly affects my school project, I am.”
Matt sighed. He looked to the bay windows off to his left. It was dark out, indeed. Certain things were more likely to happen at night. Again, not that it was his business, but there were safety issues to consider. Maybe he could give Julie one of those handheld alarms. Or pepper spray. It was probably a good idea. He glanced at Flat Finn, who was positioned in one corner of the room, facing the wall. “What is Flat Finn doing? If he’s urinating on the floor, you’re cleaning it up.”
“Matthew! Flat Finn is most certainly not urinating. Do not be so outlandish.”
“Is he in trouble? He has to stand in the corner and think about what he’s done?”
Celeste lowered her book. “No. I was finding him disruptive.”
“Seriously? How exactly was he disruptive? Were his hinges squeaking?”
“I felt as though he were looming over me tonight. On occasion, I need a bit of distance. It was Julie’s suggestion that there may be times I find I do better with a break from him. So tonight we are having a break. I am entitled to some privacy, Julie pointed out.”
“Oh.” Matt shifted his weight. “I think that’s a valid point.”
“Did you want to speak to me about something in particular? I need to get back to my compilation of alternate words and concepts.”
“I… I… “ Matt suddenly felt mildly embarrassed.
Celeste blinked at him. “Yes?”
“I was just wondering if you knew this Seth guy’s last name?”
“I do not. We could call Julie and find out right now if you need immediate satisfaction.”
“No, no. We don’t need to do that.”
“Why are you interested in his last name? Are you developing a surname fixation? I have always found surnames to be quite interesting myself, so when you find out, please let me know, and I will likely be able to tell you quite a bit about—”
“What? No, no, I’m not interested in surnames. Forget it.” Matt turned to the door.
“Oh, I understand!” Celeste said, suddenly excited. “You would like to investigate Julie’s romantic interest! An amateur background check of sorts!”
Matt didn’t say anything.
“I am right! You are experiencing profound jealousy!”
He turned back her way. “No, I am not experiencing profound jealousy. Don’t be ridiculous. I just think that as her… local family, or whatever… we should be aware of who she is spending time with. There are safety issues here. She is out at night with a stranger.”
Celeste beamed. “I can see that in fact you most definitely are thinking about the aforementioned subject matter from which you steered me away. You have concerns that she may be becoming intimate with—”
“Celeste, seriously, knock it off.” Matt glared at her. “Forget I asked anything.”
“Unfortunately, I do not know Seth’s last name, but I know him from the many visits that Julie and I have taken to the cafe where he works. I have done an investigation of my own on this local student and part-time barista, and I have found nothing indicative of sociopathology. There is no reason for us not to hold him in high regard.”
“Okay. That’s good,” Matt said.
“There is, however, one concerning factor,” Celeste said slowly.
“What? What’s wrong with him?”
“What I dislike quite strongly about Seth is that he currently has the romantic, and possibly sexual, attention of the young woman with whom you are finding yourself progressively more and more besotted.”
Matt practically snorted. “Oh, God. Good night, Celeste. Perhaps a good night’s sleep will bring you to your senses.”
“Perhaps a good night’s sleep will bring you to your senses!” Celeste said matter-of-factly as she lay down and again lifted the heavy thesaurus. “A good night’s repose. A good night’s slumber. A good night’s….”
Matt shut her door and went back to his room. Celeste was out of her mind in more ways than one. He was not besotted with anyone. He took his laptop, sat up in bed to work, and cranked the music with a remote. Besotted. What a ridiculous word.
He checked his e-mail and found a message from Julie telling Finn that Celeste loved her barrette. And that she was exhausted from being up so late the night before. Matt smiled softly. Yes, it had been about three a.m. when he’d finally shut down the computer. He couldn’t believe how long they talked. Her message also said that she would look for him on chat later tonight. Meaning, Matt noted, that she was planning on coming home. The posing-as-Finn thing was a little awkward, obviously, but he and Julie seemed to have found a comfortable online friendship that worked for them both. It really wasn’t much different than the other onli
ne communications he had. Or not entirely different. But it wasn’t as though Julie told Finn everything, either. She had never mentioned Seth at all.
Matt sent a quick Finn reply, knowing full well that Julie was probably not checking out e-mails while on a date.
Yet a minute later, a chat message from Julie popped up.
Julie Seagle
Am flipping stuck in an elevator. Alone. Miserable. Help is on the way supposedly, but I am not enjoying this experience. Starting to seriously panic. Sweating, shakes, visions of brutal death.
This wasn’t good. Julie could not be in good shape. Matt had seen what the escalator ride had done to her, and the idea that she was dangling in a steel box however many stories up was probably not going over well. And there was no one there to catch her this time. A little humor seemed in order.
Finn is God
What??? Oh, no! Do not panic. Have you forgotten that I am a superhero?
Julie Seagle
I had forgotten! Feel totally safe now. Okay, you fly under the elevator and lift me up to safety. Ready? Go!
Finn is God
Unfortunately my flying powers were deactivated because I abused my superhero status. Apologies. I have other powers, though, that will get you through this.
Julie Seagle
Give it your best shot. Convince me that I’m not a million feet in the air.
Matt thought back to the first time that he stood at the edge of an open door as an airplane held him thousands of feet in the air, poised above certain death. Terror didn’t quite capture it. The safety of his training and the emergency backup chute did little to reassure him. There were a few minutes when Matt was so frozen with fear that he couldn’t even back out of jumping. Yet he wanted to jump more than anything. And Finn was there, so high on what they were about to do, so revved up with an energy and fearlessness that Matt wanted desperately for himself. Denial was impossible in those circumstances, so he took another approach. One that might help Julie now.