When had everything become so complicated? She wanted to say that it had all started when Jake had first walked into her life, but she suspected that wasn’t true. There had to be a reason she was so susceptible to his formidable masculine charms. It couldn’t just be the jeans. Maybe she’d spent too much time alone. Maybe her life was so out of balance with all her energy focused on work that when a good-looking man turned up in her office, she completely lost it.
She rolled out another piece of dough and wished it were that simple. Her reaction to Jake wasn’t just because he was good-looking. She knew lots of handsome men, had even dated some of them. But no one had tempted her the way he did. It had to be chemical. Or maybe it was the fierce way he’d protected his daughter from the very beginning. Maybe it was his willingness to admit he’d made a mistake. Whatever the reason, Jake had gotten past her barriers and deep inside her heart. She wanted not to care about him, but it had been too late for that for days.
She was moving the roll to the cookie sheet when she heard a noise behind her. She recognized the light footsteps, but didn’t turn around.
“Annie?” Laurel said softly.
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry I said those things to you. I don’t really hate you.”
Anne pulled off another length of dough and started to roll it. “Thank you for apologizing. I know you don’t hate me, honey.”
Laurel moved close until she was standing next to the counter. Anne didn’t want to look at her, but she couldn’t resist a glance. Her daughter’s face was pale, her eyes wide and red from tears.
“You’re still mad, huh?” Laurel asked.
“I was never mad.” Anne hesitated, then decided she was tired of all the lies in this house. She was through with walking around on tiptoe so that no one was offended. The teenager was old enough to hear the truth. “I’m still hurt, Laurel. I appreciate the apology. I’m not going to punish you by pretending to be angry or not talking to you, but I can’t act as if nothing happened. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t take away the fact that you hurt me.”
“I’m sorry.” Laurel’s lower lip started to quiver.
“I didn’t say that to make you feel badly,” she said, putting the last roll on the cookie sheet then wiping her hands on a dish towel. “I’m pointing out a fact of life. If you say mean things to people, if you lash out without thinking, you’re going to hurt people. They have to live with what you said, and you have to learn to live with hurting them.” She placed her hand on Laurel’s shoulder. “I have to live with the fact I chose to give you up for adoption. It wasn’t a decision I made easily. I have regrets, but I’m not sure it wasn’t the right decision. We’ll never know. I was very young, but I did the best I could.”
“Daddy said that you were only four years older than me when you got pregnant.”
“That’s true,” she said, faintly surprised Jake had been defending her. “I had a college scholarship I didn’t want to lose. I talked about what to do with my mother. We decided that giving you up to a nice family would be best for everyone.” She squeezed Laurel’s shoulder, then lowered her hand to her side. “There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about you, wondered where you were, what you were doing, what you looked like. Especially on your birthday.”
Laurel smiled. “You remember when it is?”
“Of course. It’s my birthday, too.”
“Really?”
Anne nodded. “You were born on my eighteenth birthday.” She remembered that it had been the first time in her life there hadn’t been a big family celebration with her mother and Becky Sue. She’d been in that small hospital labor room, fighting the pain in her body as she gave birth, and the pain in her heart as she realized she was going to have to give up her child.
“Did you cry when they took me away?” Laurel asked, staring at the floor.
Anne reached out and touched the girl’s chin, forcing her to look up. She could feel the tears forming in her eyes. She didn’t try to blink them away.
“They wouldn’t let me hold you,” Anne said softly. “I begged them to. They said it was for the best. Later, one of the nurses told me that you were already gone. I felt as if there were a hole inside of me so big I’d never fill it up. And I didn’t. Not until I met you.” She swallowed and brushed away the moisture on her cheek. “Ellen is your mother. She raised you, taught you, was there when you were hurt or sick. She’ll always be your mother. I’m your mother, too, in a different way. I’ll always love you, no matter what you say or do. You can be mean to me, if that’s what you have to do to survive, Laurel. You can’t make me hate you.”
“Oh, Annie.” Laurel threw herself into her arms. “I love you.”
“I love you, too, baby,” she said, holding her close. “Always. No matter what.”
They stood like that for several minutes. Finally Laurel eased back and grinned up at her. “I guess I have two moms, huh?”
“I guess so.” Anne returned her smile.
“I promise I won’t say anything mean again. And if I mess up, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Anne tapped her daughter’s nose. “Don’t you have a party to get ready for?”
“Yeah.” Laurel started from the room. When she reached the doorway, she turned back. “You’re the best,” she said and ran down the hall.
Chapter 12
Anne started to turn the page of her book, only to realize she hadn’t read a word in the last half hour. Normally she could get lost in a story, forgetting her own troubles with someone else’s, but tonight it wasn’t working.
She paced the bare living room and listened to the sounds of the evening. The hoots from an owl were drowned out by a car engine, then the engine was shut off. She heard a door slam followed by footsteps on the porch. Jake walked into the house.
“Did Laurel get to the party all right?” Anne asked, settling back on the sofa.
“Yeah.” He walked into the room and sat down next to her. He shook his head and grinned. “It turned out that none of the girls were going with boys. This Brad fellow thought he might be able to convince Laurel to go with him because she was new in town. Instead of his father driving, it was his big brother.”
“You’re kidding? I can’t believe he would lie like that.”
“Neither could Laurel.”
“What did she do?”
He turned until he was facing her. His mouth relaxed into a huge grin. She could see his pride in his daughter’s actions. “She gave him a piece of her mind, and his older brother, too. Told Brad he was a lying creep and she never wanted to have anything to do with him. Several of the other girls applauded her. Brad was allowed to attend the party after apologizing. I took him and his brother aside and had a few words with them.”
“You threatened him, didn’t you?”
Jake didn’t even have the grace to look ashamed. “Of course. I told Brad and his brother that if they ever bothered Laurel, I’d hunt them down and beat the—” He paused. His grin got bigger. “Let’s just say they got the message.”
“The macho solution.”
“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”
She shrugged, then gave him a smile. “Time will tell.”
He was wearing a long-sleeved white shirt rolled up to his elbows. As usual, jeans and boots covered his lower half. She wished she could look at him without wanting him. She wished he wasn’t so protective of Laurel and such a good father. It would be easier to dislike him, and ultimately easier to leave.
Slowly the atmosphere in the room changed. The air grew heavy as if charged with electrical current. Without Laurel in her room playing music or flipping channels on the TV, the house seemed strangely silent. Laurel was spending the night with her girlfriend. Which meant, Anne realized with a sinking feeling, that she and Jake were going to be alone.
She cleared her throat, then didn’t have anything to say. She glanced around the room, at the book she’d thrown down, at her athletic shoes, at Jake�
�s boots. The latter was dangerous. She wanted to gaze at his long legs, then his chest, then his face. But that would be a mistake. She could feel it.
“We have to talk,” he said. “We have to come to some sort of resolution to our problem.”
“Our problem being?”
“Laurel and the baby.”
Oh. Of course. It wasn’t about them or the desire flickering between them. There was no “them,” Anne reminded herself. Jake was barely admitting that he liked her. As for the sexual feelings between them, so what? The sex hadn’t been that special.
She cringed in her seat and waited for lightning to strike her dead. It was about the biggest lie she’d ever told. The sex between them had been hotter than a bonfire. She could still feel the heat. But that wasn’t what he wanted to talk about.
“I don’t see a resolution,” Anne said. “You and Laurel live here on the ranch. I’m going back to Houston in a couple of weeks. What do you suggest? I want to stay in touch with Laurel. I thought she could spend time with me in the summer, and maybe on school holidays.”
“She’ll want to see more of you than that.”
“I know. I want to see more of her. But alternating weekends are impractical. They’ll also disrupt her life. But that’s not what you’re worried about, are you?” She risked meeting his gaze.
His brown eyes had been shuttered to conceal his feelings, but she saw the hints of pain in the straight line of his mouth and the tight set of his jaw. A lock of dark hair tumbled onto his forehead. His shoulders were stiff, his hands balled into fists.
“No,” he admitted. “I know that you and Laurel will keep in touch. I think it’s a good idea. As you pointed out before, she’s going to need a woman in her life. It’s unlikely that I’m going to remarry any time soon. I trust you to do right by her.”
“Thank you,” she said. “So the real question is what are we going to do about the baby?”
His gaze dropped to her midsection. Her oversize shirt hid her body from view, not that there was anything to see. Her stomach looked the same as it always had—not quite as flat or as firm as she would like—but there wasn’t any sign of the baby.
He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it and looked away. She ached for him. He wanted so much. But she couldn’t give him this.
“I’m keeping the baby with me,” she said. “I’m sorry, Jake. I know you want him.” She shook her head. “Now you’ve got me talking like I know it’s a boy. I gave up one child. I’m not giving up another one. I know that hurts you, but I don’t have another choice. You don’t know what it was like wondering all the time. Wishing you could be there, just see your child, or touch her. I missed everything about Laurel. I missed her learning to crawl and walk and talk. I missed her first birthday, her first day at school.”
“Now I’m going to miss all that.”
Her breath caught in her throat. She hadn’t thought of it that way. Oh, God, what were they going to do?
He read the question in her eyes. “You could stay here.”
“No.” She stood up and walked to the window. When she reached it, she held on to the wooden frame. “I can’t. It’s not fair to ask me. I’ve spent my whole life working for what I wanted. I finally have it. I have the job I want, I have friends, a life I’m very content with. I’m not going to give that up and come live here.”
“I can’t raise horses in Houston,” he said. “This is my grandfather’s land. It belonged to his father.”
“So we’re back where we started,” she said slowly. “Nowhere. Neither of us happy with the situation.” She leaned her head against the cool glass. “You realize we haven’t figured out what we’re going to tell Laurel.”
“I don’t want to think about that.”
“We have to. There has to be some perfect sentence to explain it and keep her from being hurt.” She turned slowly. “Jake, please don’t let her hate me.”
“She doesn’t.” He frowned. “I thought she apologized to you for saying that.”
“She did. That’s not what I mean. When this whole thing comes out about the baby, she’s going to be very upset. She’s going to feel betrayed. I gave her up for adoption, but I want to keep this child. She’s not going to understand that. Be on my side.”
“There aren’t sides to this. We’re all in it together.”
“I wish that were true.” She walked over to the coffee table and bent down to pick up the photo album. “I’ve looked at all the pictures. I’ve seen the evidence of her growing up, but it’s not the same as being there. I missed so much.” She looked at Jake. He sat on the edge of the sofa, his elbows on his knees, his hands laced together. “I don’t want to deprive you of that. I swear I don’t. I just want to do what’s right for both of us.”
“I wish I knew what that was.”
“Me, too.” She tried to smile, but her mouth wouldn’t cooperate.
He stood up and held out his hand. “Come with me.”
“Where are we going?”
“Trust me.”
He had that peculiar expression on his face again. The one he’d had when he’d first realized he had fathered her child. She set the photo album back on the coffee table and placed her hand in his. His skin was warm to the touch. Instantly his fingers closed around hers. She felt safe and secure, which was insane considering what they still had to deal with. But she couldn’t shake the feeling, so she gave in to it. When he smiled at her, she was able to smile back.
He paused by the downstairs rest room and snagged a box of tissue. “What’s that for?” she asked.
He pulled her down the hall. “It’s kind of how the day’s been going around here. Just in case.”
They stopped in the study. He stood her in front of the leather sofa and placed both hands on her shoulders until she sat down. Then he walked over to the bookcase beside the VCR. After fumbling through a shelf of tapes, he pulled one out and put it into the machine. He rejoined her on the couch.
“Ready?” he asked.
She nodded. He settled back next to her, then shifted and dropped his arm over her shoulders. She thought about resisting his embrace, then figured that she was already pregnant. She could hardly get in more trouble.
The scent of his body surrounded her. She liked the musky fragrance of man and heat and horses. He was hard to her soft. They meshed. She remembered the cold stranger who had come to her office such a short time ago. The result of their chance lovemaking had forced them to deal with each other on a much more immediate basis. She wondered what their relationship would have been like if she hadn’t gotten pregnant. Would Jake still be trying to hate her? Would she be doing her best to ignore him? Or would they have become friends with the passage of time? Had they interfered with or created their own destiny?
A soft cooing sound caught her attention. She looked at the TV screen. A gasp escaped her. She sat up straight, her body stiff, all her attention focused on the flickering picture in front of her.
A toddler, two, maybe three, ran through a petting zoo. The assortment of goats, lambs and ponies didn’t frighten the little girl. Brown hair tied into pigtails bounced with each step. Her pink shorts and ruffled shirt were covered with dust, as were her tiny white tennis shoes. The girl reached out to pet a duck, but the bird ran off. She looked up and laughed out loud.
“Almost, Mommy,” Laurel said to the camera. “A duck.”
“You okay?” Jake asked, and placed his hand on her leg. “You said you missed seeing her grow up. It reminded me of these videos. If it’s too painful to watch…”
“No!” She gave him a quick glance. “I want to see everything. It hurts, but it’s not a bad pain.” She turned back to the screen and smiled. “I can’t believe how beautiful she is. And so small.”
The video continued, showing Laurel enjoying her day with the animals. She petted most of them, chased the duck, all the while quacking. Anne laughed with her, vaguely aware that Jake kept his arm around her in a protective gesture.
She wanted to tell him that she was fine, that the ache in her heart came from bittersweet joy. She couldn’t undo what had been done, but these films allowed her to see pieces of Laurel’s life that she had only imagined.
The picture flickered, then changed to a picnic scene in a park. Laurel still looked young, but her clothes were different. The camera panned across the green grass to the little girl playing with a ball. Suddenly a woman stepped into view. Anne’s breath caught in her throat. The woman was tall and slender, with stylish short dark hair. She walked barefoot across the grass, her narrow hips swaying provocatively. When she reached Laurel, she crouched down beside her, then looked up and smiled.
“That was Ellen,” Jake said.
“I figured.”
Anne wanted to glance at him to try to read his emotions, but she didn’t dare. She didn’t want to know how much he still loved his late wife. She stared at the figure on the TV screen. The photos in the library hadn’t done Ellen Masters justice. She was pretty in a still shot, but in motion, she was pure elegance. Tasteful jewelry glittered from her ears and around her neck. Her summer dress exposed well-shaped tanned arms and legs. She had the long neck and elegant carriage of a fashion model.
Some people joined the picnic, but Anne couldn’t take her eyes off Ellen and Laurel. The woman chatted with her friends, but kept most of her attention on her child. When Laurel toddled off out of the camera range, Ellen hurried after and brought her back. The child’s smiles threatened to turn stormy, so Ellen tickled her belly and blew on her neck until the little girl was giggling.
The scene shifted again. Now the family was at the beach. This time Jake played with his daughter. A younger Jake, looking sinful in swim trunks. The little girl ran toward the waves, then shrieked when the water lapped against her toes. The picture tilted as the camera exchanged hands. Now Ellen appeared, her lean body displayed by a two-piece bathing suit. She took Laurel’s hand and led her to the waves. Laurel was afraid of getting her face wet. Ellen crouched down and patiently encouraged her to try until the child was laughing and playing in the surf.
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