Gabriel looked at Natalie and, after a quick search of his face, she went to sit beside Arnie. Gabriel closed the door and turned back to face them. “Okay,” he said, rubbing his palms on his thighs. “First things first. Arnie, you’re free to say no, I know this whole thing is…unusual, but I’d like to ask you and Natalie on sort of a double-date.” He paused, glancing at Jack, who smiled at him. “And…Jack and I are…seeing each other. So…it would be you and Nat, and me and Jack, and…” He looked at Alex. “And you, if you’re comfortable with that, and Ben, if he’s willing.”
“As long as you don’t all try to give me homework at dinner or anything,” Alex joked, and Gabriel smiled, turning his attention back to Arnie.
The gym teacher had clearly been caught by surprise, and he glanced from Jack to Gabriel to Natalie. “Okay,” he said, sounding unsure.
“I know I’ve sort of sprung this on you, and I’m sorry. Take your time and think about it.”
“No, it’s not—I mean, I just want to make sure I understand…”
“I’m dating Jack,” Gabriel said.
“You’re…”
“Gay,” Gabriel answered, and he saw Natalie’s surprise, now. She’d never heard him say it. He gave her a small smile, and glanced at Jack as he came up beside him. Jack put an arm around his back, settling his hand onto Gabriel’s hip. He knew that this was a big step for Gabriel, and Gabriel allowed himself to lean into him a bit, accepting the offered support. Natalie’s lips curved upward at the sight.
“Okay,” Arnie said, nodding once. He hesitated. “Wait, this doesn’t have anything to do with Sanderson taking you out of Drama Club, right?”
“No, he doesn’t know yet,” Gabriel said.
“He’s just an asshole,” Natalie muttered. At the sound of Alex’s laugh, she looked at him. “You’re sworn to secrecy,” she told him.
He made a locking motion in front of his mouth and grinned at her.
“We can trust him,” Gabriel said.
“Then yes, I would…like to meet your son,” Arnie said, looking at Natalie. “If that’s cool?”
She smiled and took his hand. “That’s cool,” she said.
“So we’re driving up there?”
“I was thinking Friday night if that’s good with all of you and if Ben agrees. Probably you two in one car and the three of us in one?”
“You two aren’t gonna make out the whole way, are you?” Alex asked. “I’ll drive myself.”
“You can drive us so we can make out in the backseat,” Jack shot back, looking at his son.
Arnie laughed, a short, surprised bark of humor, and Natalie and Gabriel grinned at each other. Jack patted Gabriel’s hip to draw his attention, and Gabriel turned his head, tipping his chin up for Jack’s quick kiss.
Alex groaned, and then they were all laughing.
***
Gabriel was the only person in the faculty lounge when he saw Alex walk past the open door. Most of the staff and students were gone for the day. A few high schoolers were practicing basketball in the gym with Arnie, who was sneaking in as much coaching time as he could in spite of Sanderson’s request that the duties be transferred to the assistant coach.
There’d been no Drama Club meeting scheduled, and Gabriel wasn’t sure why Alex was still in the school. He called the boy’s name, and after a few seconds Alex reappeared in the doorway.
“Hey, I was looking for you,” he said. “Didn’t see you there.” He stopped in the doorway, fidgeting, glancing around the room.
“What’s up?” Gabriel asked, perching on the edge of the table he’d been standing beside. “Come in,” he added, motioning with a hand, and Alex stepped hesitantly into the lounge. Gabriel looked at the clock on the wall. “I didn’t realize it was so late. I was grading these tests here so I didn’t have to drag them home and back.” He could tell that Alex had something heavy on his mind. “Have you been here this whole time?” he asked.
“No, I went to see Eliza,” Alex said, and he started to pace, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
“Ah,” Gabriel answered. “By yourself?”
“Yeah. And then I saw your car was still here.”
“I would’ve gone with you, or your dad—”
“I know. She texted me. They sent her home. She has to see a shrink—a therapist or whatever, but I think their insurance won’t pay for her to stay in the hospital any—” He stopped abruptly and glanced at the door. “Can I shut this?” he asked, pointing at it.
Gabriel nodded once.
Alex pushed the door closed and ran a hand through his hair. “She said you know everything.”
“She and I spoke,” Gabriel answered.
“Some guy—some guy in his twenties, he should be arrested,” Alex said, resuming his pacing. “Right?”
“That’s not up to me.”
“I mean it’s illegal, right?”
“The age of consent in this state is seventeen,” Gabriel said.
“He took advantage of her when she was upset and…and confused…” Alex trailed off and turned to look at Gabriel. He swallowed, looking stricken. “I don’t mean…confused like…Oh God I can’t be that guy,” he said, shaking his head. He scrubbed his hands over his face. “I respect her…feelings…”
“Relax, Alex,” Gabriel said calmly. “I know what you mean. She was in a vulnerable place emotionally. Morally, we can judge him, but she doesn’t feel that he did anything wrong, and no one can make that decision except her.”
“Mr. S, she didn’t even know it was okay for girls to like other girls,” Alex said, barely audible. “She said when she was little she thought God had meant for her to be a boy because she didn’t like dresses and she wanted to kiss other girls—those are her words—and no one ever told her that, like, gay people exist? How is that possible?”
“This is a small town, Alex. Obviously you know as well as I do that there are gay people living here, but it’s not like they’re…like we’re throwing parades in the streets. Eliza’s mother is a good woman—open-minded and kindhearted and intelligent, but she was also raised in a very strict and religious house. It’s possible that it just never occurred to her.” Gabriel felt a fresh surge of guilt. Every adult in Eliza’s life had failed her, and that included him.
“When she first told someone she felt like that, that fricking pastor, he told her it was wrong,” Alex said, and Gabriel couldn’t fault the boy for the anger in his voice. “Now she’s seventeen and she doesn’t even know—she doesn’t even know what she’s allowed to feel,” Alex said, and the tears in his eyes were a mixture of anger and frustration and pain for his friend. Gabriel couldn’t fault him for any of that, either. “She asked me if I thought girls could fall in love with girls. She asked me that! I’ve known her since I was thirteen, probably close to when she talked to that piece of garbage pastor, and I…I failed her,” he said, and Gabriel straightened and moved toward him automatically when Alex’s face started to crumple.
“Son, I know that feeling, believe me,” Gabriel said, putting his hands on Alex’s shoulders. “But you did not fail her. You’re her friend, and she trusts you enough to confide in you.”
“Now,” Alex said, trying to compose himself. “It could’ve been too late. If you hadn’t been there, she could…” He shook his head. “She knew about my dads, I wish she’d known she could talk to me. If I’d been here earlier, before she told that preacher…”
“Alex,” Gabriel told him with a sigh, “we—as humans—internalize a lot of pain and doubt. We keep parts of ourselves hidden away from the world. This is true of everyone, but sometimes there are things that can seem especially…dangerous, and this is made exponentially worse when someone that we trust—a parent, or a church leader, or a teacher or doctor or whoever—feeds into that doubt.”
“I’m sorry for whoever did that to you,” Alex said in a low voice.
Gabriel squeezed his shoulders. “She felt like she couldn’t tell anyone. That doesn
’t mean she didn’t trust you or feel safe with you. You need to understand the distinction. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“She said you told her that I would support her no matter what.”
“I believe she already knew that, Alex, I was just offering her reassurance—”
Alex threw his arms around Gabriel, surprising him. “Thank you,” the boy said as Gabriel patted him on the back. “The world really sucks sometimes and it would be even worse without you.”
Gabriel was struck dumb by this proclamation, and he blinked his stinging eyes, hugging Alex for a moment. Over the boy’s shoulder, Gabriel saw the door open and Principal Sanderson stop in the frame. Alex heard the principal’s entrance and drew back, glancing over his shoulder and swiping at his eyes.
To Gabriel, he muttered, “Sorry. I just wanted you to know.”
“Everything okay?” Sanderson asked.
Gabriel put a hand on the curve of Alex’s neck, meeting his eyes. “It’ll be alright,” he said.
“Students aren’t allowed in here,” Sanderson said.
“I invited him in,” Gabriel answered, looking at the principal. To Alex, he said, “Go home. Talk to your dad. Call me if you need to. Alright?”
Alex nodded, but he looked unsure. Gabriel knew the boy’s uncertainty was due to Sanderson’s sudden presence.
“I’ll talk to you later,” Gabriel said, giving Alex’s shoulder a quick pat, and Alex nodded again. Gabriel watched him turn to leave, watched Sanderson step aside so Alex could pass.
“Mr. Sanderson,” the boy said quietly, and the principal offered a brief incline of his head in acknowledgment.
Gabriel turned and gathered up his belongings, tapping his test papers into a neat stack. He was going to drop them off at his desk before leaving; he’d chosen to grade them in the empty lounge so he could spread out a bit.
“You’re here late,” Sanderson said.
Gabriel smiled, glancing up at him. “You too, apparently,” he answered. “I was grading some quizzes. Heading out, now.”
“McGinty seemed upset.”
“It’s been a tough week,” Gabriel said, slinging his book bag over his shoulder and turning toward Sanderson with the stack of papers in his hand.
“I know they’re pissed off about the Drama Club because you’ve made me out to be the bad guy.”
“How’s that?” Gabriel asked with a small smile.
“I hear them muttering under their breath, you know,” Sanderson said.
“If we can’t tolerate a little muttering behind our backs, you and I are in the wrong profession, Doug.”
“You and I aren’t in the same profession, Gabe,” Sanderson said. “I’m the one who has to make the hard decisions, remember? Do what’s best for the students even when they disrespect me at every turn. You, you get to pretend like you’re—” He cut himself off. “Well. I won’t keep you, since you said you were leaving.”
“I’ve been teaching a long time,” Gabriel said. “You and I don’t have to agree on everything, but I’m a good teacher. And you know it. So, yes, you assigning Arnie to the Drama Club feels personal, and yes, it pisses me off. But I don’t tell my students how to feel about things, Doug, they’re people just like you and me. And I don’t let my emotions affect my job.”
“Really? You’re getting a divorce and your wife is sleeping with the guy who took over your favorite class, and you’re telling me that your feelings about those things hasn’t crept into your teaching at all?”
Gabriel regarded Sanderson in calm silence for several beats before saying, quietly, “That’s an awfully personal and inappropriate thing to say, Doug. If you have a problem with me, there’s no need to bring Natalie or Arnie into it. And if you have a problem with my teaching, I suggest you talk to Superintendent Rodgers and the school board.”
“Half the board are former students of yours,” Sanderson said, as though this were an indictment.
“As I said, I’ve been teaching a long time, and this is a small town.”
“It’s not that small,” Sanderson answered.
Gabriel hesitated, thinking, what the hell does that mean? “I’m afraid I’m missing your point,” he said.
“I’m not making a point,” Sanderson returned.
Gabriel felt an unhelpful urge to laugh bubbling up within him, and he tamped it down with effort. “Then I’ll be—”
“We have a guidance counselor,” Sanderson interrupted. “She gets paid to deal with upset students, so maybe leave the consoling to her?”
Gabriel silently counted to five. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Doug,” he said, walking toward the door.
“Yeah, I’ll be here,” Sanderson answered, and Gabriel drew a breath through his nose and shook his head once he was in the hallway.
Asshole, he thought as he walked toward his classroom to drop off his graded tests.
***
“How’s Alex?” Gabriel asked as he sank onto his sofa with the phone to his ear.
“He’s alright,” Jack answered. “I wish I’d known he was going to see Eliza so I could’ve gone with him, but I’m glad he’s so…supportive. I just worry that he feels too responsible.”
“I know,” Gabriel answered. “They’re so young, and now Eliza has…some very difficult decisions to make. Alex wants to help but aside from letting her know that he’s a friend, there’s not much he can do. He thinks she’s gay and he feels like he should’ve known and been able to help her.” Gabriel knew that there was no way to keep Jack in the dark about these things, not with Alex so heavily invested.
Jack was silent for several moments. “It’s not your fault,” he finally said. He paused again. “Do you not think she’s gay?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I don’t think she knows. She said that she likes girls, and that she thought she was supposed to be a boy,” Gabriel said.
“If she is transgender…”
“And pregnant.”
“Christ,” Jack said. “The poor kid.”
“But like Alex said, she didn’t know that it was okay for girls to like girls. She’s seventeen, but…she talked to her pastor when she was fourteen. She’s been scared and confused and alone. She needs to be told that it’s alright no matter what she feels. She needs to be told that she has options and that her feelings are valid and…that there’s hope that she can get rid of the tightness in her chest that makes it difficult to draw a deep breath, that she can be happy.”
“Gabe. It’s not your fault,” Jack repeated.
“Maybe not,” Gabriel allowed, “but Alex has known her since eighth grade. I’ve known her a lot longer than that, and I knew her mother when she was her age. Do you know, I’ve had gay students over the years, of course, some of them were even out while they were in school and others opened up later, but not one of them still lives here in town. There are other people here, people who’ve moved here like you and Jeff, but no gay people who grew up here that I know of.”
“It wasn’t your responsibility to be a gay role model, Gabe,” Jack said. As always, he’d managed to cut right to the point that Gabriel was struggling to voice.
“Then whose was it?” Gabriel returned. “I taught these kids sex education for the last five years, Jack. I taught them about reproduction and STDs and condoms. And never once did I mention homosexuality in more than the briefest passing. Because it wasn’t in the approved curriculum, that’s the excuse I gave myself, but that’s bullshit. I talked about AIDS but not about an entire fucking generation of gay men who were…lost to it. I was a coward because I didn’t want to get too close to that wall I’d built around part of myself, didn’t want anyone to get a glimpse of it, and I failed all of my students because of it.”
“You did the best you could, Gabriel. You’re too hard on yourself.”
“My mother did the best she could,” Gabriel answered. “But the truth is, she hurt me more than my father ever did. Because I don’t remember a time when I felt like he loved
me. I don’t remember ever feeling entirely safe with him. With her, I did. I trusted her, and she…she failed me, that’s the truth, and her failure hurt more than my father’s betrayal. My students trusted me, Jack, and when they find out the truth, they’ll know I let them down.”
“Can I come over?”
Gabriel sighed, running a hand over his face. “I’m really okay,” he said. “I’m just…thinking out loud, you know.”
“Is that a no?”
Gabriel hesitated, frowning. “No?” he repeated.
“To me coming over.”
Gabriel’s forehead smoothed. “Hell, I’d never say no to that, Jack,” he said, with a smile curving his lips. “It’s just not necessary. I have hardly anything to eat, nothing to do—”
“I can bring something to eat and do.”
Gabriel laughed. “That’s not what I meant. Besides, you have Alex.”
“He’s staying the night with a friend.”
“On a school night?”
“What are you, a cop?” Jack asked, and Gabriel chuckled softly. “Yeah, he’s staying with a boy who lives next door to Eliza. Jordan. Said he wants to be close by if she needs him. I’m not going to refuse, and Jordan’s parents said it was alright.”
Gabriel was silent, considering.
“Gabe.”
“Hmm.”
“Do you want me to not come over?”
“No.”
“I’ll be there in…twenty minutes.”
“Okay.”
***
Jack kicked the bottom of the door twice with the toe of his boot, and Gabriel opened the door with a frown. When he saw Jack, with a flat-screen TV under one arm and his other arm loaded with a DVD player, a pizza box, and a dangling plastic bag holding a coil of cables, several movies, and a six-pack of beer, Gabriel’s expression immediately shifted into one of surprise.
“Oh, shit,” he said, throwing the door open and reaching for the DVD player and pizza. “Why didn’t you call me down to the car—and what the hell?” he laughed, stepping aside as Jack carried the TV and bag into the apartment.
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