by Every, Donna
Sarah dreaded Thomas’ next trip to town. He had not been for a few weeks now and she knew that he would soon be coming back. Although the Quakers had left, the group had taken to meeting at the Brown’s and talking about some of the things they had learned and some of the ones who could read, like Deborah, read the Bible to them.
She knew that she couldn’t continue to entertain Thomas in her bed, not if she wanted to do what was right. Why was this so hard? She knew that most masters in Barbados bedded their slaves and many also had free women as mistresses. These women often lived in Town and its surroundings and the men frequently came to spend time with them, as Thomas did with her. But just because everyone was doing it did not make it right. She prayed for strength to resist him even as she longed to see him again. Unless he was prepared to just visit her as a friend, she would not be able to see him anymore.
Sarah felt as if her thoughts conjured up Thomas when he appeared in the shop before noon the next day. He looked so handsome that she devoured him with her eyes even as she felt a pang in her heart that she could no longer have him in that way. He took the key to the door upstairs so that he could put down his bag before he went about his business in town and when he returned it, she could see him looking at her with anticipation.
A sudden anxiety gripped her and she could barely concentrate on dealing with her customers that day. She didn’t know how she would tell him that she could no longer sleep with him. After all she had never refused him before but now she was free and she had a choice. She considered using Deborah’s excuse but knew that she would only be delaying doing what she had to do. She had begun to feel peace and joy such as she never had before in her life and she didn’t want to lose that so she would have to make the hard decision.
Deborah saw how distracted her mother was and knew that she was thinking about what she would tell Thomas that evening. She didn’t envy her as she knew how hard it would be. Why was life always so hard? When would things ever work out for them? She would love her mother to find a free man and get married since she was still young and beautiful; someone who would love her and appreciate her and be free to do so. She knew that Jethro had a soft spot for her mother. Maybe Master Thomas would free him and they could get married. She would pray about it. She had no desire to pray for anyone for herself as her heart was still bruised from losing Richard.
By the time evening came and they closed up the shop Sarah was in turmoil. Thomas had not returned yet and for that she was glad. It gave her some time to freshen up and prepare herself to talk to him. She prayed for the right words to say and she hoped that he would understand.
When Sarah greeted Thomas later that evening and led him into the kitchen where she watched him eat the meal she had prepared she could hardly sit still and kept getting up to fix things that did not need fixing.
“What’s the matter, Sarah?” asked Thomas with concern. He had never seen her so jittery.
“Let’s go into the parlor so that we can talk,” she suggested. Deborah had headed for her room after coming upstairs so that her mother and Thomas would have some privacy.
Thomas sat in a two-seater chair but rather than sit next to him Sarah sat in a straight backed chair close by.
“About a month ago, Deborah and I went to a Quaker meeting,” she began.
“Quaker meeting? Those people are nothing but troublemakers,” Thomas exclaimed.
“You may call them troublemakers but they told us the truth and they made us realize that how we were living was not right.” Thomas already sensed what was coming and he braced himself.
“I never really thought about how the mistress must have felt about me and you. But I know now that it was wrong and she only treated me bad because she felt bad. I know that if you were my husband and you didn’t come in to me but you called for Hattie or Cassie, I would feel real bad.” The pang of conscience that stirred in Thomas as Sarah spoke became a full force by the time she had finished. He could say nothing. There was no argument for the truth.
“So what are you saying Sarah?” he asked sadly, already knowing the answer.
“I real sorry Thomas, but I can’t sleep with you anymore. I know that it wrong. But you welcome to visit us whenever you in town. I can sleep with Deborah and you can have my room unless you want to stay at a boarding house.”
Thomas felt a deep sadness that their almost twenty year old relationship was finished; at least the way it used to be. He knew that there was no point trying to change Sarah’s mind because he could see that she was as saddened as he was and he knew that it could not have been an easy decision.
“OK, Sarah. I will have to accept that this is what you want. As long as you know that if you ever change your mind, I will be here. I would still like to come and see you and Deborah and make sure that you are alright.” Sarah nodded. She couldn’t speak past the lump of emotion in her throat. All she could do was pray that God would take away the pain in her heart.
October 12, 1696
Charles Town
Carolina
The Fairfax family was dining alone for a change. Richard was relieved, as he had no interest in attending another party or entertaining friends. In fact he had begged off many invitations, insisting that Charles escort Ann in his place. His mother, in particular, was less than pleased but he really did not feel like humoring her. He was surprised that rather than getting dimmer with time, he missed Deborah as acutely as the day he left and he therefore had little patience for Ann and her constant desire for social interaction.
He had been to see Anise once, and that was only to bring closure to their relationship since he had no desire for her. So here he was, being without a woman for almost three months and no desire for any other than Deborah. When he thought back to the conversation he had had with Charles months ago, when he scoffed at love, he felt that his own words had come back to taunt him.
He had thrown himself back into his work and at Ben’s urging had also started investigating the equipment and manpower he would need to begin cultivating rice. They had even started to prepare the budget but it did not give him the excitement that it would have a few months before.
He did his best to avoid being alone with Ann and he hoped that she believed his hints that it was because he was tempted to pre-empt their marriage vows when in fact it was quite the opposite. He did not know how he would marry her and if the truth be told, he had recently begun to ask himself if he could marry her. The idea depressed him and he felt as if he would be giving up his freedom. But freedom to do what? He would have the freedom to run her father’s plantation as he wanted, so what was it that he was really afraid of giving up?
“Richard,” his mother interrupted his thoughts. “Don’t you think it’s time to set a date for your wedding? You have been at home almost three months now and I have not heard any talk of it from you. In fact one would think that Charles was Ann’s fiancé since he seems to escort her about more than you. What has gotten into you? You have not seemed yourself since you came back from Barbados. All you do is work and skulk about in your room.”
“Mother, I do not skulk about in my room. I am usually so tired after working that I prefer to go to bed early rather than go to the endless social events that you ladies seem to love to attend.”
“If I didn’t know better,” chimed in Charlotte who was visiting with her husband of just one month, “I would say that he is heartsick.”
“That would presume that he has a heart,” derided Charles who resented how badly Richard had treated Ann since his return. Of course it was to his benefit since she poured out all her concerns on him and he was happy to comfort her.
“I would appreciate if you two would desist from speaking about me as if I am not present,” Richard admonished them. Truth be told he did feel heartsick as Charlotte claimed, but Charles was also right when he said that he had no heart because he had left it in Barbados.
“But it’s true Richard. Now that Charlotte has mentioned it, you
do seem to have the symptoms of someone who is sick at heart. Tell me you didn’t fall in love with a girl in Barbados as poor Ann feared.”
Richard wondered what they would do if they knew the truth. What was the truth anyway? All he knew was that there was an emptiness where his heart should have been and he wondered if running the Carlisle’s plantation could really fill it? Could he settle for Ann after he had been with Deborah? He didn’t know what he wanted anymore. Life had been so simple before he went to Barbados. He wished for that simplicity again. Throwing down his napkin he muttered his excuses, pushed back his chair from the table and stalked away.
Even his father, who had not got drawn into the conversation, looked up from his plate in surprise and asked, “What in the world has gotten into that boy?”
“I would guess that one or more of you has hit upon the truth,” offered Charlotte’s husband. “I think I will go and have a man to man talk with him,” he said pushing back his own chair.
Richard sat on the patio, glad for the cover of darkness to hide his face when he saw Albert coming out to join him. Although they were good friends and he knew that he was concerned about him, he didn’t feel like talking. He hadn’t even worked out what was going on in his head yet; far less to discuss it with someone else. Or maybe what he needed was an objective opinion.
“I must admit that I have never seen you like this, Richard, and we’ve known each other since we were boys. What’s this about?” Albert came straight to the point. Richard had always liked that about him.
He hesitated for a few moments, debating how much to tell him and then made his decision.
“This is not even to be shared with your wife,” he warned Albert who nodded, more curious than ever.
“My uncle owned a slave called Deborah. She is actually his daughter who he had with a mulatto slave so she is a quadroon. She is the most beautiful woman I know. From the time I saw her I wanted her but my uncle said that she was off limits.”
“Eventually he agreed to sell her to me. I bought her for £20, which was a bargain because many planters wanted to buy her and would have paid handsomely.”
“You bought her?” exclaimed Albert. Richard ignored his outburst.
“I promised her that if she came to my bed willingly I would free her when I left Barbados. I ended up freeing her a month before I left but she stayed with me, even though she was free to go.”
“Why did you free her before you had to?”
“I don’t know. It was her eighteenth birthday and I wanted to give her something memorable. Something that would be precious to her.”
“You love her.”
“What makes you say that?”
“It’s obvious. No man would free a woman he still wanted, knowing she might leave, unless he loved her.”
“Well if this empty feeling means that I love her, then yes I do. I never thought I would hear myself admit that.”
“So that’s why you’re so miserable.”
“Yes. Charlotte is very perceptive,” Richard admitted. “So now I have to decide if I’m going to go ahead and marry Ann and run her father’s plantation or if I should take a chance that Deborah will have me and go back to Barbados.”
“What will you do in Barbados?”
“There are a number of options. My uncle has offered me a position on his plantation if I want it. Rather than using the agent there I can set up an agency in Barbados and expand our shipping routes and cargo, if my father does not disown me because of this,” he said half-seriously, knowing that the alliance between the two families was very important to him.
“And what will you do about this Deborah? Do you plan to marry her?”
“I don’t know. I do not even know what the laws are in Barbados about marriage between races, although I know that it’s illegal here in most states.”
“Are you sure she’s still available? And does she feel the same way about you?”
“I don’t know, but I need to go back to Barbados and find out.”
“What will you tell Ann?” Richard paused. He hadn’t thought that far ahead. He had entered into an agreement with Ann’s father. He couldn’t just cancel their engagement. His head hurt just from thinking about the situation. It would make things so much easier if Ann decided that she didn’t want to marry him. Was that what he had been hoping by ignoring her and pushing her and Charles together? He owed it to her to talk to her.
“I don’t know,” he finally answered Albert’s question. “But it’s time I had a talk with her.”
Next Day
Once his mind was made up, Richard wasted no time in seeking out Ann. He had planned to take her on a picnic but the day had turned nasty and it was pouring rain. It perfectly fit his mood as he knocked at the Carlisle’s front door. He would have preferred not to have this meeting here but it could not be helped. He needed to have this resolved today.
Ann was beautifully dressed when she joined him in the parlor. It was as if she made sure that she looked her best for him.
“You look lovely, Ann,” he complimented sincerely.
“Thank you, Richard,” she said sitting down on a blue velvet sofa. Richard remained standing, uncharacteristically nervous. He didn’t know where to start.
“I have hardly seen you since you came back,” Ann observed. “Thankfully Charles has been very good to escort me about. I have grown very fond of him.” He waited for her to continue but she didn’t say anything. She was not going to make this easy for him.
“I’m glad to hear that. I always felt that you two would make a better couple.”
“I did not say that we were a couple. Is that what you were hoping?” Ann’s voice had taken on a hard tone and he really couldn’t blame her. She sounded more mature than she had before.
Rather than answer her question, he asked instead, “Do you remember when I was leaving for Barbados and you warned me not to fall in love with any Barbadian girls?” He paused, not sure how to proceed without hurting her feelings.
“I’m afraid that I did not listen to your warning. I am very sorry, Ann, I certainly did not plan on it happening and it was the furthest thing from my mind but it happened. However, I want you to know that I will not renege on our agreement.”
Ann’s face turned white. “Do you really expect that I would marry you, knowing that you love someone else?” she asked angrily. Pulling the ring from her finger she extended it to him. “I knew that you never really loved me, not as Charles does, but I had wanted you from the time I was a girl and I thought it would be enough but I have grown up in the last three months and I realize that it’s not. I deserve more and I believe that Charles can give me that and wants to; so you can have your freedom. I just wish I hadn’t wasted so much of my life pining after you. You were not worth it.” Richard could not debate that. He knew that he deserved her ire for the way he had treated her.
“You are right. You deserve a lot better than me,” he agreed taking the ring. “You and Charles have my blessing, not that you need it. Thank you for releasing me from our agreement.” Ann did not respond so Richard bowed slightly to her before heading for the door. As he closed it behind him, a feeling of freedom that he had never before experienced came over him and he wondered if this was what Deborah had felt like when he gave her the manumission papers. He only hoped that he had not thrown away his dream to go after her, only to find that she did not return his feelings.
Chapter 28
October 14, 1696
Charles Town
Carolina
Dear Uncle Thomas
I hope that you are well and that all is at peace in the house now. Forgive me for taking so long to write this letter but I know that you will understand since we share the same dislike of letter writing. So you must know that I have something of utmost importance to communicate.
First of all I am long overdue in expressing my gratitude for the way you and Aunt Elizabeth welcomed me in Barbados and made my stay so enjoyable. To tell the t
ruth, apart from learning even more than I expected, the trip completely changed the course of my life, as this letter will explain.
When you told me I would be unable to get Deborah out of my system I never considered that it would be true, but now I humbly admit that you were right. Once I returned to Carolina and saw Ann I was reluctant to go through with our engagement but I was prepared to honor my word. Nevertheless I had to be honest with her and let her know that I had fallen in love with someone else (yes I do love Deborah) and gave her the choice to proceed with the engagement if she still wanted to. Thankfully she did not and she and Charles, to whom she became quite close when I was in Barbados, will soon be announcing their engagement, for which I am extremely grateful as it eases my conscience considerably.
Once my father recovered from the news of my broken engagement and was happy that the Fairfaxs and Carlisles would still form an alliance through the marriage of Charles and Ann, he did not disown me. I was therefore emboldened to suggest to him that I should move to Barbados and take over the agency for our shipping, with the plan to expand our routes and the cargo that we carry as I have been discontented with our agent’s performance for some time now. I obviously had to explain my desire to return to Barbados so soon but I did not go into any details about Deborah and as far as all are concerned, I have fallen in love with the daughter of a plantation owner, which in fact I have.
I am therefore pleased to let you know that I will be setting sail for Barbados once again in about three weeks and I would be grateful if you could appoint an agent to identify a house in St. Michael’s Town or its environs for me to rent initially or possibly buy later depending on how things turn out.